Justin gaston - HecklerSpray

Miley Cyrus Splits With Justin Gaston, Because God Apparently Hates Love

June 10th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Love is beautiful. Teenage love is magical. The love between a teenage girl and an adult underwear model is, um…

Oh, what’s the word we’re looking for? Creepy? Doomed to failure? Yes, either of those will probably do, actually. Because, readers, we’re sorry to report that Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston – the Posh and Becks of obnoxious teenage millionaires and uncomfortably older, professionally nude men – have split up. It’s on Twitter and everything.

It’s sad news, but it’s not completely bad. At least this way we know that Miley Cyrus’s next album will sound like bloody Joy Division or something.

Relax, Miley Cyrus’s Much Older Boyfriend Totally Loves Jesus

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

You might think that, because he’s five years older than her and wriggles about in knickers for a living, Miley Cyrus’ boyfriend is a rum sort.

But he’s not. He’s really not. Miley Cyrus has been on the radio in America defending her alleged new boyfriend Justin Gaston to the hilt, claiming that he’s ‘awesome’ and a ‘really great Christian guy’. And what Miley Cyrus says, we have no option but to believe. Justin Gaston, you’re awesome and a really great Christian guy and we apologise for thinking wrongly of you.

And the fact that on the same day as Miley Cyrus’ interview, pictures were leaked onto the internet of Justin Gaston rolling around on the floor in his underwear with an unidentified woman and giving the camera the finger? Well that’s just awesome and Christian too. We hear that Jesus did a very similar thing once himself, actually.

Miley Cyrus’ Dad Loves Her Much Older Knicker-Model Boyfriend

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Just about the whole world went to the great big hideously expensive Miley Cyrus Disneyland 16th birthday party – with one notable exception.

And, of course, that was Justin Gaston – the 20-year-old undercracker model who might very well be Miley Cyrus’ special and conspicuously older boyfriend. It’s not really a surprise that Justin Gaston didn’t go to Miley Cyrus’ birthday party – he’s too old for Disneyland and was probably doing something cool like riding a motorbike or drinking cider at a bus stop or something.

But Miley Cyrus’ dad Billy Ray Cyrus doesn’t mind. He’s heaped praise on Gaston despite his no-show. And so would you too, if you knew that pretending to enjoy the fact that your little girl is probably in some kind of relationship with a full-grown man was the only thing stopping said little girl from financially abandoning you the second she turns 18.

Hey, Miley Cyrus’ New Boyfriend Likes Taking His Clothes Off Too

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Being Miley Cyrus’ boyfriend must be horrible – you’d be constantly fighting the urge to slap Billy Ray Cyrus’ silly face every time you saw it.

In fact, 15-year-old Miley Cyrus has got quite the wishlist when it comes to her boyfriends. Firstly you can’t be intimidated by Miley Cyrus’ fame and wealth. Secondly you have to be as gormlessly God-fearing as she is. And thirdly, if you’re so much older than her that it’s a little bit creepy and you use your body as a sexual object for a living, then that’s great too.

So, with that in mind, say hello to Miley Cyrus’ new boyfriend – he’s Justin Gaston, he’s 20 years old and he’s an underwear model. If this hasn’t ended in tears by this time next year, then we’re afraid we’ll have to go away and question everything we thought we knew about the universe.