Posts tagged as:

jurors

Michael Jackson Jurors Selected In The Dr. Conrad Murray Moonwalking For Justice Trial

by Matthew Laidlow on September 26, 2011 0 Comments

Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, roll up for what promises to be the greatest court case spectacle that the world has ever seen!

In the UK, we only get hastily sketched drawings of court proceedings, sometimes making us think that cartoon characters actually carry out heinous crimes. But in America, good old fashioned family time can be spent watching an alleged murderer on TV! AMAZING!

We’re not sure if the court case brought against Dr. Conrad Murray will suffer a similar fate, but after endless delays and arguments, the trial is set to go ahead. No doubt it’ll drag on forever and the eventual outcome will be appealed, but for now, everything is running correctly. One of the most difficult tasks was the jury selection process and, after months of screening potential jurors, twelve have been selected. Are there any questionable doubts? Of course there are, stupid. It is a Michael Jackson trial after all.

Read More >>>

Britney Spears Trial Dies Of Boredom

by Stuart Heritage on October 22, 2008 0 Comments

We’d just like to take this opportunity to apologise to anyone who’d emotionally invested in the Britney Spears hit and run trial.

If this is the case we’d like to make a two-part apology. 1) We’re sorry you’re an idiot and 2) you’ve obviously wasted your time, because not even anyone involved in the Britney Spears hit and run trial had any emotional investment in the Britney Spears hit and run trial.

Yesterday, after the jurors took twice as long as the length of the trial itself to decide that they didn’t know if Britney Spears was guilty of hit and run or not, the judge officially called a mistrial. What’s more, nobody can be bothered to go through a retrial, so Britney Spears is in the clear. Don’t get us wrong – everyone wanted a retrial, but they had more urgent things to do, like repeatedly bashing their head on a desk and weeping.

Read More >>>

We'd just like to take this opportunity to apologise to anyone who'd emotionally invested in the Britney Spears hit and run trial. If this is the case we'd like to make a two-part apology. 1) We're sorry you're an idiot and 2) you've obviously wasted your time, because not even anyone involved in the Britney Spears hit and run trial had any emotional investment in the Britney Spears hit and run trial. Yesterday, after the jurors took twice as long as the length of the trial itself to decide that they didn't know if Britney Spears was guilty of hit and run or not, the judge officially called a mistrial. What's more, nobody can be bothered to go through a retrial, so Britney Spears is in the clear. Don't get us wrong - everyone wanted a retrial, but they had more urgent things to do, like repeatedly bashing their head on a desk and weeping.

OJ Simpson’s Jury As White As White Can Be

by Stuart Heritage on September 12, 2008 5 Comments

Just as we predicted yesterday, the jury for OJ Simpson’s armed robbery and kidnap trial has now been picked – but there’s one tiny problem.

They’re all white. Every single one of them. Now don’t get us wrong, it almost wasn’t an entirely white jury. It’s just that one prospective black juror was quite religious and therefore capable of forgiveness so she had to go. We’re not making this up, you know.

So, here’s how OJ Simpson stands before his trial properly starts on Monday. He’s being tried for the first time since he was acquitted of two murders he’s widely believed to have committed, for a crime with several witnesses that he was actually recorded participating in, and the only thing stopping him from spending the rest of his life in jail is a group of 12 white people who’ve been specifically chosen for their lack of forgiveness.

Yeah, we’re sure he’ll be fine.

Read More >>>

Just as we predicted yesterday, the jury for OJ Simpson's armed robbery and kidnap trial has now been picked - but there's one tiny problem. They're all white. Every single one of them. Now don't get us wrong, it almost wasn't an entirely white jury. It's just that one prospective black juror was quite religious and therefore capable of forgiveness so she had to go. We're not making this up, you know. So, here's how OJ Simpson stands before his trial properly starts on Monday. He's being tried for the first time since he was acquitted of two murders he's widely believed to have committed, for a crime with several witnesses that he was actually recorded participating in, and the only thing stopping him from spending the rest of his life in jail is a group of 12 white people who've been specifically chosen for their lack of forgiveness. Yeah, we're sure he'll be fine.

OJ Simpson Trial: The Jury’s Almost Picked

by Stuart Heritage on September 11, 2008 0 Comments

OK, hands up who thought that it’d take 400 years to pick the jury for the new OJ Simpson trial because the whole world obviously hates OJ Simpson.

Anyone? Just us? OK, well then we’re the wrong ones. In actual fact, the jury for OJ Simpson’s armed robbery and kidnap trial has almost been completely picked. What does that mean? Well, most importantly it means that the scene is set for us to plunge headlong into the nitty-gritty of the OJ Simpson trial itself next week.

Secondly it ostensibly means that there are a handful of people in Las Vegas who say they don’t care about OJ Simpson murder acquittal in 1995. But what it actually means is that there’s a handful of people who’ve either hidden their furious bitter hatred of OJ Simpson well enough to pass the jury selection process or are currently busy phoning publishers and scribbling down the first draft of their new book How I Banged OJ Simpson Up. Fun!

Read More >>>

OK, hands up who thought that it'd take 400 years to pick the jury for the new OJ Simpson trial because the whole world obviously hates OJ Simpson. Anyone? Just us? OK, well then we're the wrong ones. In actual fact, the jury for OJ Simpson's armed robbery and kidnap trial has almost been completely picked. What does that mean? Well, most importantly it means that the scene is set for us to plunge headlong into the nitty-gritty of the OJ Simpson trial itself next week. Secondly it ostensibly means that there are a handful of people in Las Vegas who say they don't care about OJ Simpson murder acquittal in 1995. But what it actually means is that there's a handful of people who've either hidden their furious bitter hatred of OJ Simpson well enough to pass the jury selection process or are currently busy phoning publishers and scribbling down the first draft of their new book How I Banged OJ Simpson Up. Fun!

OJ Simpson Robbery Kidnappy Trial Thing: Jurors Getting Picked

by Stuart Heritage on September 9, 2008 2 Comments

You know how the nights have started to draw in earlier lately? That’s not autumn, that’s nature setting the scene for OJ Simpson’s newest trial.

You know, the trial about how OJ Simpson allegedly stormed into a sports memorabilia collector’s hotel room with a bunch of gun-brandishing heavies and demanded that they give him everything with his face on it, or thereabout. Well guess what – OJ Simpson’s trial started yesterday, or at least the jury selection process part of it.

It’s an extremely tricky part of the trial procedure, too. Not just because OJ Simpson faces the rest of his life spent in jail if he’s found guilty of his charges, but because the judge doesn’t want to pick jurors who’ll punish OJ for his murder trial acquittal. Jurors who’ll punish OJ Simpson for his creepy book about the murder or his role in the underwhelming Naked Gun 33/3, sure. Just not the murder thing.

Read More >>>

You know how the nights have started to draw in earlier lately? That's not autumn, that's nature setting the scene for OJ Simpson's newest trial. You know, the trial about how OJ Simpson allegedly stormed into a sports memorabilia collector's hotel room with a bunch of gun-brandishing heavies and demanded that they give him everything with his face on it, or thereabout. Well guess what - OJ Simpson's trial started yesterday, or at least the jury selection process part of it. It's an extremely tricky part of the trial procedure, too. Not just because OJ Simpson faces the rest of his life spent in jail if he's found guilty of his charges, but because the judge doesn't want to pick jurors who'll punish OJ for his murder trial acquittal. Jurors who'll punish OJ Simpson for his creepy book about the murder or his role in the underwhelming Naked Gun 33/3, sure. Just not the murder thing.

R Kelly Kiddy Porn Trial: Three Wonderful Jurors Picked

by Stuart Heritage on May 13, 2008 4 Comments

Picking a jury for the R Kelly child porn trial must be an unrelentingly difficult procedure.

The process involves weeding out those who really like R Kelly, those who really hate R Kelly, anyone who’s formed an opinion about R Kelly based on the mountain of press he’s received over his alleged underage sex tape, those who like the idea of watching child porn a little too much and those who did all of the above on purpose to get them out of jury service.

But, despite all that, three jurors have been chosen for the R Kelly child porn trial. The big news, however, is that yesterday R Kelly sat next to a toilet and the poo-stink went up his nose and he got all sad. No, really.

Read More >>>