Junior Apprentice - HecklerSpray

TV Review: Junior Apprentice Episode 6 – The Final!

August 5th, 2012 By Nik Johnson

Previously on Junior Apprentice: Flogging, fighting and fannying.

They open by meeting Sir Alan at an aquarium at about 7.30am, when we suspect it’s not actually open. Hewer looks like he can jimmy a lock though, so they manage to sneak in and glare at the sharks. Their task is to sell bottled water by creating a brand, bottle, TV advert, jingle and pitch it to Industry Experts.

But with this being the final episode, the folks that got fired are back, and lined up ready to be picked for either team. Nawty Adam is back, and the LAD quotient increases a million fold, while first week’s fired twat Jordan De Courcy is last to be picked, and stands looking increasingly uncomfortable as he realises nobody wants him.

TV Review: Junior Apprentice Episode 5

August 5th, 2012 By Nik Johnson

Last week on Junior Apprentice: Art, arrogance and arseholes.

The task opens in Amsterdam, which leads the teams to consider all the things that they’d do over there: Tim puts on a rubbish Dutch accent and Emma would sell windmills and clogs. If Adam hadn’t been sent home the other day, he’d probably have gone on a three-week drugs and hookers binge culminating in a vomiting experience over the Anne Frank museum and a hasty cover-up with Nick Hewer to prevent a diplomatic incident.

They arrive in a Dragon’s Den-esque warehouse to be confronted by a serious looking Hewer, Karren Brady and a video recording of Alan, because he can’t be arsed to fly out. Who can blame him, KLM are rubbish. In fact, their first class bit is the same as the rest of the plane but with a curtain drawn across so the snobs don’t have to look at the plebs.

TV Review: Junior Apprentice Episode 4

June 3rd, 2010 By Nik Johnson

Previously on Junior Apprentice: Cupcakes, cock-ends and crap cupcake costumes.

The children of the damned arrive at the David Beckham Academy for the most tenuous of reasons: the academy is there to spot the talent of the future, and that's what they?ll be doing. With art. ?I wonder if David will be there?, muses one contestant. She's disappointed. There's no David Beckham. Instead, there's a crotchety old midget in a suit, there to bark orders at them like a pissed off hedgehog.

Tim, the wolf-man that shirks responsibility at every opportunity, is project managing midget Kirsty and eerie blonde Hannah. He's not happy about being PM, and later complains that he was forced to make all the awkward decisions. The poor sod.

TV Review: Junior Apprentice Episode 3

May 27th, 2010 By Nik Johnson

Previously on Junior Apprentice: Camping! Campness! Cardboard! Reinforced Cardboard!

This week, our intrepid teams of the weird, bullied and damned are sent to Oxford Street, to ice and sell cupcakes. VALUE ADDED cupcakes, as Lord Alan keeps mentioning.

Rhys is hounded into being project manager for his team, because he once worked in a kitchen. He also ends up not working in the kitchen.

On the other team, Lipstick and Emma Walker (16, sells eggs and sweets) get into a pissing match over who bakes the most cakes. “I like baking.” “Well, I love baking.” “I REALLY love baking.” Eventually Emma Walker (16, sells eggs and sweets) gives up, because she’s used her quota of words for the series. Lipstick takes centre stage once again. Squee, pretty, etc.

Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

August 4th, 2012 By Chris Laverty

French bread and French people.

Folded:

Red Dead Redemption hits the shelves (and cancels your social life for the next three months)
Laughing at Junior Apprentice (you feel bad for taking the mick because they're only kids. But they're just so damn weird)
The Deadliest Crash: the Le Mans 1955 Disaster (sensitively made documentary about one of the most horrific sporting tragedies of all time)
Super 8 (sincerely hoping this is not the new Cloverfield)
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (if you have any children, take ?em. Otherwise don't bother)

Creased:

TV Review: Junior Apprentice Episode 2

August 5th, 2012 By Nik Johnson

Nine junior horrors, one job (not actually a job, because even Lord Alan’s not mental enough to hire a foetus to work on whatever Amstrad do these days) and just a couple of weeks to pick one out to be… the Junior Apprentice.

Previously on Junior Apprentice: Cheese. Sales. Puns. Tears. Jordan De Courcy.

Zoe, played by Robyn caked in lipstick, answers the phone while the camera hovers for an uncomfortably long time staring at her arse. It follows her upstairs as she wakes the boys up, who are already dressed in suits. They’ve probably been in them all night, waiting for the Lord Sugar batsymbol to appear in the sky, calling for them. It’d be in the shape of a barrow.

TV Review: Junior Apprentice Episode 1

May 13th, 2010 By Nik Johnson

Remember when you were 16? It was just like Skins, right? An orgy of drugs, violence and sex. Or, like 95% of people on the Internet, it was furtive, frantic masturbation the moment you were alone and trying to get served in pubs.

You probably didn't spend those precious years running an international importing and distribution business. If you thought the dicks on The Apprentice were hateful turds, The Junior Apprentice is sure to boil your piss in new ways. It's one thing when the back-stabbing business-botherers are ten years older than you, but when they look like they've rolled on set straight from an episode of Grange Hill, it's somewhat dispiriting.

Yes, it's The Junior Apprentice, in which six teenagers prove they have the mettle to argue with Lord Alan, who sits peering and at them and scrutinising like a fussy paedophile, while Karren Brady, with her daft spelling, glares at them like Margaret Mountford, only older and weirder.