Downton Abbey is great for many reasons: its faithful commitment to anachronism, its stringent adhesion to the patriarchal values of an aristocratic class that should by all rights be extinct and, of course, all the lovely shiny things. 

If you’re a magpie, or a viewer in possession of a lower than average IQ, you probably spent the heavily-ad-breaked episodes of Downton thinking only of the shiny things, whilst occasionally wondering how Michelle Dockery keeps her face so very, very immobile.

Well, guess what, stupid magpie folk: you can buy replicas of all the shiny things you saw on those ass-kicking Edwardian heroines! From a knotted pearl necklace (quiet at the back) as modelled by Lavinia before she died the lamest death ever, to Lady Sybil’s token feminist gesture earrings, it’s all here! There’s also a cloche hat, for if you like Downton but also take fashion cues from Notting Hill circa 2005. Oh, and a teapot and mug set.

The collection isn’t actually licensed by the Downton Machine Conglomerate (or Carnival Films, whatever), who got predictably sniffy about not making any profit from the collection.

Julian ‘richer than Croesus’ Fellowes was likely too furious to make any comment other than a strangled aristo sputter, so the production company said this:

“We did not authorise the sale of Lady Mary jewellery. Our lawyers have been in contact with PBS in order to remove these items from sale.”

The items haven’t been removed, but all mention of Downton characters has. Which is actually a good thing. You might think it romantic to buy your wife a Lady Mary or Lady Edith necklace, but what you’re saying there is that she’s either a cold bitch who’d fuck a Turkish diplomat to death, or a plain ginger who is destined to a lifetime of spinsterhood and put downs from Dame Maggie Smith.

Speaking of Dame Maggie, where’s the Dowager Violet Hat and Cane set, eh? Ageist bastards.

This was written by Becca Day Preston with her own blood

You know what movie we’d love to see? A movie starring the pointless one from Hancock and the pointless one from Lions For Lambs.

And guess what? That movie is being made. According to reports, Charlize Theron and Tom Cruise are set to team up for an adaptation of French movie The Tourist, with a script written by Oscar-winning writer Julian Fellowes.

Without knowing too much about The Tourist, it’s safe to say that Tom Cruise is still after that Oscar. It seems clear to us that Tom is only making the movie to glean Oscar-winning tips from Fellowes and Theron, and then put them to use in his next movie – which we’re expecting to be about a dirty-faced, slightly disfigured woman played by Tom Cruise who talks in lots of half sentences over himself all the time.

If we were Tom Cruise – which we assume we’re not because we aren’t rich and we don’t need a stepladder to kiss normal-sized girls on the cheek – then we’d be signing up for movies all over the shop at the moment.

Tom’s Nazi movie Valkyrie could go one way or the other – its release date has been ominously shuffled about all over the place, but its trailer does look pretty spiffy – and if it does end up doing a Lions For Lambs, Tom will need to have as many other movies on the go as possible. That way he can still have a career as an actor instead of committing himself fully to being a silly little lunatic who believes in aliens.

And, to his credit, that seems to be what Tom Cruise is doing. He’s already lined up his next film, and the omens look good. It’s The Tourist, a movie about a normal member of the public who’s coerced by a spy to help flush out oh for God’s sake it’s The Man With One Red Shoe isn’t it? Nice one Tom Cruise. What next? A high-remake of The Burbs?

Anyway, let’s not lose hope entirely, because The Tourist sounds like a very highbrow remake of The Man With One Red Shoe, as Tom Cruise’s co-star will be Oscar-winning actress Charlize Theron and they’ll be working from a script by Oscar-winning writer Julian Fellowes. Ropeofsilicon reports:

The Tourist, the Bharat Nalluri-directed remake of the 2005 French thriller Anthony Zimmer, is shaping up nicely as Charlize Theron is now in negotiations to join the cast. The flick will feature Theron as a female Interpol agent who uses an American tourist in an attempt to flush out an elusive criminal with whom she once had an affair. Obviously, Cruise is the tourist.

OK, so The Tourist is a thriller. That doesn’t help much. What we need to know is if this is a flashy blockbuster-style thriller, or if it’s a gritty indie-style thriller. Knowing that would really help, because we’ve got a formula to tell whether it’ll be any good or not. For instance:

LOW BUDGET INDIE:

Charlize Theron will disappear into her role, taking on a brave physical transformation for the sake of visceral realism.

Tom Cruise will try to disappear into his role, but still end up looking and acting like Tom Cruise.

BIG BUDGET BLOCKBUSTER

Charlize Theron’s character will be 85% shiny hair to 15% tits and it’ll be revealed that she and Tom Cruise have been lovers throughout history five minutes from the end even though that makes zero sense to any of the rest of the film.

Tom Cruise will spend the entire movie running as fast as he can while pulling a face that makes him look like he’s straining for a poo.

We only hope the producers have taken these calculations into consideration.