Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman. There’s all that mucking about with howling at the moon once a month, either unsupported or badly scorched boobs, the constant struggle to be heard within an oppresive patriarchal society, and to quote Bernard Black, oh, the dancing!
But then again, sometimes it’s hard to be a thunderously self-obsessed, overpriveleged jackanape as well. So you’ve really got to feel for poor old Julia Roberts in Eat Pray Love, drowning prettily in an exotic blend of both of these maladies. My goodness, it’s a wonder she can move her puny bones under the weight of her first world problems. So, is it worth 140 minutes of our time watching her fret and eat and ponder and pray and laugh and love?
Seriously? Eat Pray Love? Well, let us put it this way. Puke Scream Die.
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Everyone knows that, in movies, it’s tough being a woman.
The roles on offer tend to only be those of kindly nuns, tearful wives silently rinsing cups in the sink, or unbelievable ball breakers. There is no real middle ground. Of course, one other role that we haven’t mentioned yet is that of a wonderful prostitute.
Everyone’s played one, from Jane Fonda to Charlize Theron. So with that in mind, we thought it best to highlight the greatest on-screen hookers of them all. Read More >>>
Ever since gorgeous Marilyn Monroe stepped out with George-Formby lookalike Joe DiMaggio, a handful of famous stunners have continued the trend of unveiling their new boyfriends to the sound of a thousand showbusiness journalists dry puking whilst attempting to write short hand.
Surely the rules dictate that great looking people should stick to their own kind, not dabble in the swamp waters of the ugly pool? Not so, say these five beautiful rebels…
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hecklerspray probably has 10 nightmares a night. The most recent one included us stuck in a jail that was entirely made of fish. It was terrifying until the jailer brought us tartar sauce – then it was scrumptious.
The second most recent night terror we had included Julia Roberts riding a Harley straight out of hell. It looked almost identical to those three Meatloaf album covers actually, except in Roberts' one fist she was clenching the spinal columns of what appeared to be 200 babies, and in the other she was leafing through the script for Pretty Woman II: The Moral Dilemma Of A Hooker In Love. Oh, and she was wearing the cutest pink skirt. Other than that the imagery all looked exactly like Meatloaf's albums.
A few Paparazzi recently got closer to our nightmares than we would ever hope to be. Morgan Freeman jumped on their car and started hosing them with a Super Soaker full of that black stuff from a smoker's lung. Wait – no that was our third to last dream. It's always celebrity something or other. What happened to those camera flashers was a fraction less disease-encrusted but equally scary.
They got chased down by an angry arm-waving horn-honking Julia Roberts.
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Now, ask any man who lives in the past to name two actresses that he'd like to see have a bit of a wrestle in a mud-filled paddling pool and, after some heavy prompting, there's a chance he might say Julia Roberts and Angelina Jolie.
That wouldn't happen now, though – nobody in their right mind would want to see the scrawny adopting lady and the middle-aged woman with the horse's mouth do anything even vaguely erotic – but it isn't stopping Julia Roberts from getting all bitchy about Angelina Jolie. According to reports, Julia Roberts hates Angelina Jolie and says she could have easily done a better job at A Mighty Heart than Angelina – something that we'd be inclined to agree with. After all, Angelina Jolie really didn't explore the goofy, fun-loving, spontaneously-laughing-out-loud side of Marianne Pearl when she went on the harrowing journey through Pakistan to track down her dead husband as well as we'd have liked.
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