Hecklerspray » judges

Simon Cowell Almost Put Genitals Into Paula Abdul

Euan L Davidson — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 14:30:17 +0000

Sometimes, you hear a piece of news that changes everything. Where were you when you heard about 9/11, for example? Do you remember the exact second you heard when Brookside was being cancelled? When Osama was killed? When Slobodan Milosevic was finally taken to task for his war crimes?

But this is next level.

Simon Cowell, the man with perfectly cube-shaped hair, has announced to anyone who’ll listen (idiots) that he almost, but didn’t, put his glans into the former American Idol judge and cat botherer Paula Abdul.

Despite being engaged, Cowell told American press all about the almost-romp, telling sources that he just “couldn’t go through with it”.

Ah, been there mate. “Too many drinks”, “nerves”, I get you. Wink, nudge, weep.

hecklerspray doesn’t expect you to be able to function properly having read this, and then, considered the image (funnier if you think about MC Skat Kat looking through the window at their writhing bodies in disdain) of either Simon Cowell’s penis as an instrument, or the actual thought of their having sex.

The thought of Cowell and Abdul having sex reminds us of a particular scene from Lars Von Triers’ ‘The Idiots’. If you’re a Guardian reader, you’ll absolute get that joke and be appalled by it.

For everyone else, we tried to reach Cowell’s reps (by simply shouting at the sky) but could not get a confirmation or denial that Simon Cowell “settled for a blowie”.

Ah well.

Simon Cowell Has A Threesome, Hates Condoms And You Lose Your Lunch

Mof Gimmers — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 12:00:33 +0000

Fancy puking your ring up? Then continue reading because we’ve got an image to place in your mind that no amount of brain bleach will remove. This is the kind of thing that will haunt you ’til the day you die.

Simon Cowell has had a threesome.

Imagine that. His flaccid moobs being gently slapped by two separate ladies wearing see-through body stockings with enough hairspray to erase the protective gaseous layers on every planet in the solar system. Just think of that. His todger, flapping around to the sound of an expensive water bed while he mutters his dirty thoughts in their ears. JUST THINK ABOUT THAT.

Cleaned the vomit from your mouth yet?

Good.

See, while Cowell was talking to not-actually-that-shocking-a-shock-jock Howard Stern, the Pop Culture Mogul talked about his past dalliances and the turbulent state of his current engagement tofiancée Mezhgan Hussainy.

At the moment, he’s got no idea whether they’re still engaged. When asked, he said

‘not sure’

Annoyed by the convo, Cowell spoke of being betrothed in past tense and grumpily said that he wouldn’t be talking about it any further.

Spokesman Max Clifford says:

‘He likes to keep (his relationship) private. In terms of the relationship, it is long distance. He is back in England at the moment, and when he goes back she will be doing things. When he goes back to the States, she will be doing stuff. To my knowledge they are not having any problems.’

Applying the rule of Anything Max Clifford Says Is Likely To Be The Polar Opposite Of What’s Going On, we can assume that Cowell is indeed having problems and that he isn’t in England and that Simon Cowell is in fact a woman.

Or something.

Still, you want to know about the threesome. Simon confessed to having one years ago, as well as having a date with Denise Richards while she was heavily pregnant with Charlie Sheen’s child.

Talking about his disgusting ménage-a-trois, he said:

‘A threesome? Yeah, years and years ago… I mean a long, long time ago, I was with these two girls and ended up in bed. It was cool. It was a lot of fun.’

And dating Richards, a former Bond girl no less:

‘We arranged to meet at a hotel polo lounge. She turned up eight months pregnant and had a dog in her handbag.’

A dog. In a handbag. Did she have kittens in her coat pockets and a lizard secreted in her colon too? Hollywood is weird.

Cowell also isn’t a fan of condoms either. Apparently, they’re

‘something you wore when you were 17 or something’.

‘There are other alternative methods’

Push your boobs together, because Cowell is coming! Oh, X Factor USA starts on September 21 at 8pm on Fox.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Simon Cowell Wants To Reanimate His Own Corpse

Mof Gimmers — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 15:00:32 +0000

Should you be unlucky enough to live for the next 300 years, aside from the agony of reanimation, the clawing sense of disenfranchisement with our new ape leaders and, of course, the horrible realisation that you are a disappointment regardless of the time you live in, you might be on the end of a withering aside from Simon Cowell.

That’s right. The music molester has stated his desire to live forever and ever so he can belittle people long into our dark future.

Basically, he wants to have his body frozen after his death as “an insurance policy”, where in the distant future, he can hold a talent contest between cannibalistic apes to see which one can sing the best, while reintroducing the phrase ‘this means everything to me’ and getting some monkeys to cry about being orphaned by science, and that this Whitney Houston song got them through genetic experiments.

Cowell first showed interest in having his body preserved in liquid nitrogen back in 2009. Presumably, he got the fear of death after seeing Paula Abdul up close.

And he’s still at it, wanting to outlive us all.

In an interview with GQ, Cowell insists that he would like to be frozen, in the hope scientists can find a way to bring him back to life like they’ve done on science documentary, Futurama.

He says:

“It’s an insurance policy. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. But if it does work, I’ll be happy. If it’s possible – and I think it will be – why not have a second crack? Does that sound crazy?

He then added:

“I think it’s a good idea. I have a feeling that if I don’t do it, I could regret it in 300 years.”

No, if you don’t do it, you’ll be dead. Berk.

What’s All This About Simon Cowell And His Amazing Anti-Ageing Potion?

Mof Gimmers — Tue, 19 Jul 2011 15:30:27 +0000

Simon Cowell isn’t looking as old as he used to. Sure, he’s looking weirder than he used to, but that’s clearly down to American dentistry, leaving him looking like a boiled potato with some dentures jammed in.

While you may think the music mogul/overlord has been under the surgeon’s knife, well, you may well be right. We’ve no idea. We’re more interested in the news that he’s been swigging a magic potion to thwart the ravages of time.

But is it so magic that it will reverse the ageing process so much that he will return to his baby form, gurgling and filling his high-waisted trousers with liquid green crap?

It has been reported (ergo, ‘made-up’ or ‘speculated’) that Cowell has TURNED HIS BACK ON BISCUITS (what kind of ghoul turns their back on biscuits?) in favour of becoming obsessed with an exotic smoothie.

Get that! A smoothie, but exotic!

Some source who has probably never even seen a picture of Cowell, let alone met him, assures us:

“He’s obsessed with staying healthy and wants to look after himself. The drink is an extension of that. It is not cheap to make and involves lots of hard-to-buy fruit which we need to take on the road. But for someone like Simon it is not a big deal if it costs a lot”

It probably contains unicorn tears and freshly squeezed rocking horse heart as well.

Apparently, this voodoo glug is made for Simon every day while he’s on the road for his travelling grief circus. And you want to know what’s in it don’t you?

Start shopping for lingonberry, acerola berry, choke berry and aronia juice, if indeed, they exist at all.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Look! X Factor USA Is Imminent! Simon Cowell’s Nightmare In Video Proves It!

Mof Gimmers — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 12:30:02 +0000

Hark at this! The brand spanking new X Factor USA has finally started advertising itself and, despite shameless product placement, they’ve only gone and made an adspot that isn’t wholly awful. In fact, it’s almost charmingly witty. Although, Paula Abdul’s face takes the prize as funniest thing on the video. Anyway, here it is. Watch it with your eyes. It’s going to take over the world isn’t it?

Cheryl Cole Predictably Gets American X Factor Gig

Mof Gimmers — Fri, 06 May 2011 10:00:33 +0000

What has Cheryl Cole done to get such unswerving favour from Simon Cowell? Seriously. He seems absolutely determined to make a superstar of her and it can’t solely be down to the fact she’s hard working, good looking and willing to do as she’s told.

We can only imagine the horrors that lie in his undercrackers which Cheryl has been faced with in order to become his right hand woman. Are we being too cynical?

Either way, with Cowell’s help, she’s become the Britain’s pop princess, hoping to leave behind all that Ashley Cole and Smacking A Toilet Attendant In The Face business. And now, thanks to her predictably landing one of the judging jobs on the American X Factor, she’s looking like she’s going to go global.

It looks like being a busy year for Cheryl as there’s rumours flying around that Girls Aloud are going to get back together for the London Olympics (which would be really, really great). It goes without saying that Cole’s rise to the top will be a massive sore point for the increasingly unpopular Nadine Coyle who just can’t seem to cut it without her GA chums (increasingly so as Nicola Roberts’ imminent solo LP is whipping up quite a lot of excitement).

Either way, Cheryl is going to be on the American version of the X Factor and we can now chunner about elocution lessons and the need for subtitles because, obviously, Americans are stupid and can’t pick a Northern English accent to pieces.

Think we’re exaggerating? Just remember that USTV had to stick subtitles on the last series of Skins, despite the fact that the whole cast is achingly middle class, and thereby, incredibly easy to understand.

Cole says:

“Americans are always really sweet about my accent and seem to find it intriguing, which I think is quite funny.”

Simon Cowell meanwhile referred to Cheryl, presumably fondly, as a “brat”

“I’m thrilled for Cheryl. She is massively excited about this show, and has been fantastic to work with. She is also a complete brat! Most importantly, this girl can spot talent.”

So there you have it. America is about to be on the receiving end of the British Invasion, pt2.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Simon Cowell Ruins Top Of The Pops Forever

Joanna Bolouri — Wed, 04 May 2011 15:00:07 +0000

Simon Cowell wants stuff. Feel free to replace the word stuff with ‘EVERYTHING’. He wants big houses, flashy cars, the systematic psychological destruction of vulnerable human beings for entertainment purposes and he probably wants that sandwich you had for lunch earlier.

But what he really wants, more than anything the whole wide world is to launch his own version of Top of the Pops.

Remember Top of the Pops? A British institution, designed to annoy parents and delight music lovers throughout the country. Well, until it went a bit wrong and folk stopped buying records but regardless for a long time it was genius and we secretly wish it hadn’t gone away.

But before you get remotely excited, please remember that this comes from Simon Cowell’s greedy little mind, where just having something unique to the UK is never an option.

At a press conference he said:

“It’s not cost effective just doing it in the UK.”

“To do it properly it would need to be bigger than one country.”

So basically it will be a bastardised version of a once cool television show, filled with X-factor winners and ‘exclusives’ from mentally disturbed pop stars like Miley Cyrus and her creepy dad.

Of course he’s too busy for all this at the moment, what with X Factor USA, so don’t be expecting it right away:

“It’s for a year down the line”

In the shouty words of Christian Bale:

“OH GOOD! GOOD FOR YOU!!”

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Simon Cowell Is Still Wary Of The Completely Insane Paula Abdul

Mof Gimmers — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 14:00:18 +0000

With The X Factor about to hit US shores (brace yourselves Americans – you won’t know what’s hit you once it gets going), every single celebrity – alive and dead – has been linked to the chairs of the judging panel.

Of course, this is all great news for Simon Cowell, who is so needy for the world’s attention, that once, he appeared on a children’s show dressed up as the world’s poshest super hero canine.

And someone else who likes to hang around with cartoon domesticated pets is Paula Abdul who has also been linked to The X Factor, which has delighted her eight fans and thrilled those who enjoyed her erratic appearances on American Idol.

Now, Cowell has stated that Abdul will be joining the new reality series, he’s quick to point out that nothing has been set in stone. Chances are, she won’t be on the judging panel, rather, she’ll make an appearance at the section of the show where the wannabes go to the judges ‘houses’ and have a little singing camp before they are asked to go through the ritual humiliation of the sing-off.

Which lasts forever.

Properly confirmed for the show are Girls Aloud’s Cheryl Cole (which must be a source of amazing irritation to Nadine Coyle) and recording brain, Antonio L.A. Reid. So who will get the golden fourth spot alongside Cowell and his impossible man tits and ultra-white teeth?

Simon’s rep says:

“Paula is one of many people Simon is talking to. There’s nothing new.”

One thing is for sure – Cowell won’t be joined on the X Factor by Sean Combs (Diddy, P.Diddy, Puff Daddy, Puffy, S. Diddles, Smedley Puft Marshmallow Man, Glebe Combly Man, Piffy Shin Bone, The Derby Area, etc), Mariah Carey, Cee Lo Green or Gloria Estefan.

Apparently, this process is as difficult as “casting a dinner party” and that under no circumstances, must the hideously still-faced Sharon Osbourne be allowed anywhere near him.

Or something.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Nicki Minaj And Every Other Celebrity On Earth Is Linked With X Factor Gig

Mof Gimmers — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 12:00:44 +0000

Taylor Momsen has been linked with the US X Factor job. So too has the tiny membered Enrique Iglesias. They’re poles apart aren’t they? One, a hokey, saccharine beige egg, the other, a tickle-me slut doll.

However, the most intriguing of the rumour pile is Nicki Minaj.

And why is she the most exciting? Mainly because she resembles a blow-up doll that has been designed by an anime loving Japanese psychopath with a fondness for Lil Kim. Who wouldn’t want to see something like that on their television every week?

According to the New York Post, Minaj – who starred in a video once saying that she ‘ate the box’ of Remy Ma – is in talks with Simon Cowell to become a judge on music competition show The X Factor.

And a word of warning Americans – you thought American Idol was guiltily fun and trashy? You ain’t seen nothing yet.

Seriously.

The X Factor is going to knock all your reality shows into a cocked hat and completely take over your lives and twitter feeds. Cowell is the master of must-see television (for better or worse).

Anyway, Minaj reportedly met with Cowell in L.A. to discuss the possibility of her coming on board and of course, she’d be a great addition because, firstly, she’d look great on TV and secondly, what with her being rather open about her bisexuality, we can hope that she shags absolutely everyone who goes near the show.

Provided they’re legal of course.

Keep your fingers crossed that Enrique doesn’t get it because… well… he’s more boring than a retired chest of drawers. No-one, apart from sexually jaded middle aged women want him on screen.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

The X Factor Judges Are All Basically Children

Stuart Heritage — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 15:00:54 +0000

The live X Factor finals start tomorrow, which we’re giddy about because it means we get to watch the exact same thing every week until we want to die.

However, there’s just one little thing that could derail the entire show, and that’s that the X Factor judges are being great big babies. According to reports, X Factor judges Louis Walsh, Dannii Minogue and Cheryl Cole are all fighting because some of them don’t want to sit next to other judges and one of them has a slightly bigger dressing room than the rest.

What’s more, Cheryl Cole doesn’t like Louis Walsh because he’s got BO, and Louis Walsh doesn’t like Dannii Minogue because she keeps her lunch inside an ice cream tub instead of a real lunchbox like he does, and Dannii Minogue heard Carly Robinson from 7F tell her best friend’s cousin that Cheryl Cole had nits and was a lesbian IDST.

We’ll admit that we haven’t really been paying attention to X Factor this year. That’s mainly because, whenever we’ve tried to watch it, someone has been crying. If the contestants aren’t crying because they’re happy or because they’re sad or because their dead rabbit’s last wish was for them to enter X Factor and it’ll never get to see them succeed, then Cheryl Cole’s crying because, like, getting paid hundreds of thousands of pounds to tell a bad singer that they’re bad at singing is the most difficult thing she’s ever had to do.

And if neither of those are happening, then chances are we’re crying because X Factor is shit and it makes us want to kill ourselves.

Tomorrow sees the start of the X Factor live finals – the culmination of months of hard work after which one lucky contender, if they believe in themselves and strive to be the best they can be, might wind up a tenth as famous as Chico.

However, it’s been reported that tensions between the X Factor judges might threaten to tear the entire show apart, and it’s all down to who sits next to who and who and who gets the biggest dressing room. Apparently, the biggest faultlines lay between the following:

Louis Walsh – An X Factor stalwart, Louis Walsh has been on the show since the beginning, apart from the time when he decided to spuriously resign for a week and the other time when Simon Cowell fired him for about 30 minutes. Louis Walsh doesn’t like fellow X Factor judge Dannii Minogue, because he’s loyal to previous X Factor judge Sharon Osbourne – who Dannii didn’t get on with – even though it was Sharon Osbourne who once threw a glass of water over Louis on a live TV show.

Dannii Minogue - Unfamous sister of Kylie Minogue, Dannii Minogue joined X Factor last year and didn’t get on with Sharon Osbourne because Sharon went on TV with clingfilm wrapped around her head and Dannii thought she was mocking her heavily botoxed face. After the rift caused Sharon to leave X Factor, Dannii Minogue decided she also didn’t like her replacement Cheryl Cole, because Cheryl Cole is young and pretty and sexy and Dannii Minogue was supposed to be the young, pretty sexy one on X Factor even though she’s almost 40 and has a face like a brass doorhandle. Dannii also doesn’t get on with Louis Walsh because, oh, who cares.

Cheryl Cole – Nobody likes Cheryl Cole because she cries all the bastard time.

Got all that? Good. Now here’s The Mirror to explain their new scrap:

Dannii Minogue insists she should sit apart from Louis Walsh â€“ and the feeling is mutual. But all-powerful Simon, 49, likes to sit next to this yearâ€™s new girl Cheryl Cole, 25. A source explained: â€œDannii is fuming she is placed next to Louis. The pair are well known for their disagreements and both are not keen on having to sit next to each until Christmas. Simon wants Cheryl beside him â€“ but she wants to sit beside Louis!”

What’s more, there’s one dressing room in the X Factor studios that’s slightly bigger than the others, and Louis, Dannii and Cheryl all apparently want it. And we’re promised that these arguments are real, and really could put the future of X Factor in jeopardy. You know, just like how they’re real every year and aren’t just a way of getting people to stop watching Strictly Come Dancing.

Still, whatever stops people from remember they’re going to have to spend the next three months of their lives watching endless piss-weak Whitney Houston karaoke, eh?