For some reason, we’ve credited you slobs with some intelligence. Christ knows why. We’ve read the comments you leave. Either way, some of you ain’t so bad. Some of you have probably only seen Jersey Shore out of morbid curiosity.
If you watched it, you probably thought ‘By Jove! This is faker than Kim Kardashian’s wedding!‘
If you’ve been watching the antics of Snooki & Co, thinking that it’s BLATES REAL (or whatever you wobbling colostomy bags say these days), then we’ve got news for you. And someone with more spare time has made a video which proves it. OKAY?
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You know Jersey Shore? That’s right – the thing you can blame dreck like Geordie Shore and The Only Way Is Essex on. Well, one of the stars of the show – The Situation – is a monumental penis who has somehow weaselled his way into the VIP section.
So all is well? Not quite.
See, while he’s the star of a hit MTV show, some people aren’t so taken with him. Despite the free advertising that comes with appearing on a widely watched show, Abercrombie & Fitch have posted a statement on their website asking Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino to stop wearing their clothes. That’s how much they hate him.
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THE BIG DOG IS IN THE HOUSE! 6 words that, when you hear them on the radio, let you know that it’s time to change the station, because the whitest man in history, Tim Westwood, is about to start broadcasting.
It’s fairly safe to say we all hate Westwood, after all what is there to love about a man who looks like a geography teacher painfully trying to hard to appear ‘street’ to keep his pupils interested?
But none of us seem to hate Westwood quite as much as Mark Bulcock.
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Snooki – a cross between a shaved Har Mar Superstar and a tin of off-creosote – is, once again, being filmed for some vapid, gaspingly bad television programme for MTV, the music channel that doesn’t show any music videos.
And while shooting (with cameras, not guns sadly) the fourth season of Jersey Shore this weekend, good ol’ Snooki managed to crash into a police car that was accompanying them, injuring two officers.
The astonishing thing there is, of course, that Snooki has enough faculties to actually have a legal driving license. Beggars belief.
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We feel sorry for Dannii Minogue: she’s never really had it as good as her older sibling. Kylie has been given all of the bigger, better and catchier pop hits, she looks better and oddly, Kylie has been given her own range of car adverts which don’t make any sense. Perhaps Simon Cowell gave Dannii the X-Factor job out of pity. Or he lost a bet.
Even though the actual show hasn’t started, X-Factor has bored us rigid already. Cowell has buggered off to launch it in America while Cheryl Cole finally was announced as judge after the American authorities turned a blind eye to her conviction of assault. Arguably, the shows two biggest judges have gone Stateside, leaving Kylie Minogue’s sister and Louise Walsh to crush the dreams of thousands.
Only problem is that says before filming starts, Kylie Minogue’s sister has left the show. Surely this couldn’t be a PR stunt?
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New Jersey is having something of a state crisis. There’s a $112.3 billion funding gap for next year according to the Center on Budget and Policy Priorities. Worse than that is House Republicans are planning on pushing through a plan to cut off further funding which will take away a further $32 billion.
Granted, that’s not your typical opener for a hecklerspray article, but digest those shoddily researched figures for a moment before considering this:
A New Jersey state university called Rutgers paid $32,000 of tax-payers money Snooki to give a speech about partying. Brilliant.
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The organisers of Hard Rock Calling, that sort of festival like thing that happens in Hyde Park every summer that isn’t the O2 Wireless festival, have decided that former Fall Out Boy bassist and pioneer of the musical equivalent of object dá, Pete Wentz, is a suitable choice for a battle of the bands judge.
Right? RIGHT?
If you’re lucky enough to have forgotten the mid noughties, here’s a crash course in all things Pete Wentz:
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Hybrid of Har Mar Superstar and the thing that comes out of the screen in the Ring film, Nicole Polizzi of Jersey Shore, has reached the point of being utterly sick and tired of… well… herself. Now, this isn’t going to end up in some kind of suicide bid, where she finds herself on a rooftop threatening to chuck herself off and into the blades of a passing combine harvester.
Rather, she’s pretty bored of her own nickname. Her nickname is Snooki if you were wondering and, no, it isn’t a reference to how good she is at clocking 147 breaks on the baize.
The Thing That Occupies Valuable Fame Space says that, while the name undoubtedly helped her to be kinda famous, she’s thinks that it is all a bit old and now, she misses being called by her name… which of course means that people will now shout “Oi! Nicole Polizzi! I’ve seen you on TV! You dick!”
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