Sherlock Holmes is one of the most abiding detective characters in literary history. Along with his sycophantic companion, Dr John Watson, the amateur consulting detective uses his powers of deduction to solve the most fiendishly cryptic cases in Victorian London amazing one and all with his capacity for lateral thinking and disguise as he does so.
Conan Doyle’s books have been adapted for television, radio and film on many occasions and every iteration of the classic stories brings its own idea of how the Holmes/Watson dynamic works. Just look at ‘Sherlock’, the BBC’s surprisingly enjoyable updating of the series which began with a reimagining of A Study In Scarlet and you can see that the world of Sherlock Holmes is as relevant to today’s audiences as those half a century ago.
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Rod Stewart is one of the most unlikely sex symbols in history. Face it, he looks like a melted waxwork of Sarah Jessica Parker crossed with a dead leopard and a nylon bag filled with hammers. Yet somehow, women still want to have sex with him.
One sexual encounter produced a child called Kimberley who, rather than suffering the misfortune of looking like her father, is a carbon copy of Joely Richardson. It’s eerie.
And now, the Russian doll effect continues as she’s about to give birth to a child after Kimberley swapped fluids with ice-cream vendor, Benicio del Toro (who these days, looks like Tim Curry if he lived in a tea pot). This means, for the first time, Rod the Mod is to be a grandfather.
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If Jude Law really loved us, like he said he did in that dream we had, then he’d know how crushed we are that he’s been spotted running around with Lily Cole.
The nerve.
It’s only been a matter of days since he split with Sienna Miller for the 322nd time and does he seem remotely bothered? Heartbroken perhaps? DOES HE CARE ABOUT ANYONE? WELL DOES HE?!
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Eerily symmetrical professional penis, Jude Law (essentially a Tesco Finest Callum Best), is back on the market, destined to make absolutely everyone and everything he touches pregnant. This man is more potent than a rabbit’s ballbag.
Jude and Sienna Miller have decided to do us all a massive favour by officially ending their on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again, relationship.
Of course, Jude hasn’t had the simplest of times when it comes to affair of the loins, getting up to all kindsa mucky business when throwing the keys in a bowl with Sadie Frost, sticking his engorged member into nannies and models and of course, Sienna Miller isn’t exactly an angel herself, being dubbed a marriage wrecker. We are, naturally, seething with jealousy.
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Can robots really be sexy? Can a mechanical object devoid of human emotion and personality really turn you on? Of course it can – just look at Emily Blunt.
But, obviously, it helps if they look like Blunt, Grace Park, Tricia Helfer, or anyone on this list. Two of them even made toasters sexy, for God’s sake. We have never looked at the office Rowenta the same way since.
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There’s not many things that can plaster a great big dribbling grin on your face, quite like the theme tune to Sesame Street can. Everything about the show is brilliant from top to bottom. That’s why anyone who is famous wants to appear on it. Johnny Cash, Stevie Wonder, John Candy, Tom Hanks and C3PO have all stepped foot on the famous street.
So who might be next?
Well, Sesame Street is not a show to disappoint as they’ve lined up some seriously famous faces along with some ace segments that’ll lampoon shows that are squarely aimed at adults who still tune in. Read More >>>
Robert Downey Jr. is Sherlock Holmes…
Our inspectors are baffled by the mystery of it: somehow, our favourite Victorian hero was mistaken for Inspector Gadget. Guy Ritchie resurrects London’s drug-reliant super-detective and ditches his deerstalker hat for ninja skills and fruity dialogue. Accompanied by Watson (Jude Law), a plot involving the occult and other destructive powers sends Mr. Holmes on a mission fraught with explosions, bare-knuckle boxing and ridiculous acrobatics.
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For thousands of years, Afghanistan has weathered a near-constant stream of violent invasions. Why? Because Jude Law wasn’t around to sort them all out, obviously.
But luckily that’s all changed now. Jude Law went to Afghanistan on a mission of peace yesterday, to call for a one-day ceasefire that would allow food deliveries and vaccinations to take place. But only if it’s called The First Annual Ceasefire And We Love Jude Law Day and everyone is given a Jude Law mask and a badge that says ‘Jude Law Is My Hero And Also A Fairly Underrated Actor’.
That’s a lie. But while Jude Law’s Afghan peace visit might seem like an embarrassingly hopeless display of celebrity vanity, it might just work. After all, it’s a little-known fact that the Taliban universally considers Jude Law’s portrayal of a sexy robot prostitute in AI to be the pinnacle of artistic achievement in all of history. It might work after all!
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