And that purpose wasn’t so much to rescue Jehovah’s favourite people from a life of impoverished slavery as it was to have an ancient religion for Lindsay Lohan to one day convert to in an effort to prove her undying gay affection to a rather ugly lesbian.

That being the case – it looks like Moses’ many efforts are about to pay off – Lohan is reportedly taking the Jewish plunge.

We imagine it was right after Samantha Ronson was officially declared a man at her bar mitzvah that Lindsay Lohan got to thinking about a full-fledged Jewish conversion. She probably saw Sam looking so happy as she read from the Torrah, smashed dinner plates on the floor, drew pictures of the wailing wall and delicately explained to the mohel how he needn’t even try as God had basically circumcised her in the womb.

We took many artistic liberties with the listing of those bar mitzvah activities. Our conscience demands we tell you this.

And Lindsay Lohan’s conscience demands she accept Judaism almost immediately – at least according to the Mirror. They said:

“…former party girl Lindsay is converting to Judaism – to prove her devotion to Jewish Samantha…Lindsay has even made her decision “official” – by updating her Facebook profile to say “I’m converting”. That’s commitment. LiLo and Sam walked into the synagogue arm-in-arm for their first visit on Friday. When an onlooker asked the Hollywood starlet if she was converting, Lindsay revealed: “I’m trying.””

Well this sounds like it could bring some much needed healing to the Lohan/Ronson relationship – it’ll especially quell all the fist fights they always get into with each other over whether or not the current Pope would be able to pummel Noah should the opportunity ever arise. Sure that sounds trite, but we heard it’s what caused their Valentine’s fight.

The conversion will also serve several other purposes Lohan so desperately needs filled. It will help keep her grounded for one, and if she adheres to things strictly there’ll definitely be no more sniffing cocaine off of dead or dying pigs.

If she ever did that anyway.

But perhaps most importantly, a full-fledged Jewish conversion with a lesbian twist will bring her that much closer to her goal of one day hooking up with Anne Frank in any kind of Torrah-based afterlife. This, we sense, is what the whole Ronson fling has always been about anyway.

And really, can you blame her? Frank looks good on that book cover.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

But Madonna isn't happy with just getting a man under her proverbial spell, oh no – she is literally controlling the mind of Alex Rodriguez, the man she is allegedly getting it on with. Well, according to Rodriguez's estranged wife, Cynthia, that's what Madge is doing. Wait – what?

Yes, the jealous spouting of a woman scorned has taken another turn for the 'huh?' as Cynthia Rodriguez revealed, through an anonymous friend, that she believed Madonna has been using kabbalah, the mystical side of Judaism, to warp her husband's mind. Oh that's right – blame the Jews again, it's not like they don't already get the flack for everything else in the world, ever.

Cynthia may have a point though – the rumours have been flying about that Madge and Alex have become closer than just close friends , as well as that her marriage to Guy Ritchie is on the road to destruction , and not just because she's woken up to what a no-talent arseclown Ritchie actually is. At least Alex can hit balls really hard, or something. He's probably a more convincing cockney too.

None of it is definite, there's a lot of aimless speculation – the kind we really like – and there are some audacious claims flying around. It's a fine recipe for disaster already, prime for the tabloid vultures (hello!) to come in and pick the carcass dry. Then the rogue element is introduced and all hell breaks loose – this is another moment that needs to be fully taken in, so sit back and read it one more time: Madonna, as in 'Papa Don't Preach', 'Material Girl' and some other, newer, shitter songs, is being accused of controlling the mind of a man she is supposedly having it off with.

There are times when you just don't need words; all you need is to react to whatever is going on.

The 'friend' of Cynthia told the press that this is what the estranged wife thought, through the miraculous powers of language:

"I feel like Madonna is using mind control over him, I don't recognize the man he's become. He was a
sweet, beautiful, loving husband and father. Today he's very cold and
calculating."

Well, consider hecklerspray convinced – that sounds like grade 'A', bona-fide Jewish mind control of the highest order. Just the kind of ridiculous crap Madonna would be likely to partake in, like having a gap-tooth or a ridiculous camel toe on show, even though she's about 86-years-old. It's a pretty open and shut case, to be honest.

There is always a chance that this is just a jealous rant by a heartbroken woman, and something that seems likely given her fragile state of mind. After all – who doesn't want to blame the Jews every now and then?

But if this is a pile of truth nuggets, we just hope Madge can further brainwash Alex Rodriguez into thinking (or should that be 'knowing'?) that A-Rod is the single most ridiculous name ever given to anyone, anywhere, ever, and it makes him sound like a massive prick. In more ways than one.