Imagine being Annie Lennox. Just think of that for a moment. Gah. It’s rubbish isn’t it? Just think, looking at Annie Lennox’s face in the mirror. Imagine hearing that voice coming out every time you spoke.

Imagine people saying “Hello Annie Lennox” at you. It’s enough to make you want to die.

Annie Lennox has noticed this too, opening up about her battle with panic attacks thanks to being Annie Lennox. However, she’s decided to share some tips with us all about getting over stress, panic and anxiety. You’ll notice that her life is a lot less Dave Stewart based these days, so we suspect the main tip would be “don’t ever work with Dave Stewart – have you heard that terrible cod-reggae album he’s made with Mick Jagger and Joss Stone?”

Appazzently, the former Eurythmics singer suffered from anxiety issues for years and admitted in some self-serving blog that she always felt “excruciating stage fright” before her shows. This anxiousness was very much in-line with anyone who bought tickets to see her perform too.

So what is this marvellous piece of stress-relieving wisdom?

In a blog post, entitled Beating Stress under Duress, she writes:

“I used to suffer quite badly from the fear of flying, but I seem to have managed to overcome this over the last few years. I practice a fairly simple technique. It’s called ‘F… It.’ And I invented it all by myself.”

Get that? Annie Lennox invented the notion of shrugging.

“Every time I went on stage to perform, I’d get excruciating stage fright. I’d have a knot in my stomach just thinking about it, particularly during the small hours of the night before. I don’t buy into the notion that it’s good to be nervous before you go on stage. It’s not good. It’s rubbish! For me, it’s essential to be relaxed.

“Fear creates tremendous blocks. We carry it around subliminally most of the time… so I just tell myself… ‘F… it’… and it seems to work a treat!”

Brilliant, just brilliant. Go and die already you bloated shitehawk. Should we feel guilty for saying that? Two words – FUCK IT.

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Oh dear GOD! SuperHeavy – the collaboration between Mick Jagger and Eurythmics founder Dave Stewart, alongside Joss Stone, Damien Marley and Oscar-winning composer A.R. Rahman, wasn’t a sick joke after all.

See, it’s obvious what’s going on here. We’re dealing with the folly of the jet set. They’ve looked at absolutely everything they like and thrown it all in the same pot.

It’s like someone offering you a plate with all your favourite food on. Imagine a mixture of fish ‘n’ chips, a hamburger, apple pie, a cup of tea, blue cheese, Coco Pops, gumbo, bacon, 4 pints of beer and a punnet of strawberries all blitzed in a blender and offered to you as something worth downing.

Ostensibly, what’s going on here is an exercise in cod-reggae. We’re experts in cod-reggae and this hums of it. What’s worse, SuperHeavy are literally throwing everything they’ve got at the project with all the subtlety of a brick being inserted into your tear duct.

Lead single, Miracle Worker, sees Damien Marley saying the word “preposterous”, while Mick ‘n’ Joss prance around like they’re Peter Andre doing Mysterious Girl. Meanwhile, Dave Stewart hides behind a beard, shades and hat combo embarrassed of being alive.

Considering Dave Stewart’s questionable musical past, that’s saying something.

If you haven’t heard it… and you almost certainly haven’t, here it is.

Fact is, in an interview with the Associated Press, Jagger reveals more horrors.

When asked about his rapping skills (yes, you read that), Jagger said:

“I was just copying Damian. I do a little bit. I went toasting, we call it, but it is the same thing. Damian was doing this really good toasting, West Indian rapping, so I thought, “I could do that. It can’t be that difficult.” It actually was quite difficult. With a bit of practice, it is all right. It is a laugh.”

Get that. Jagger. Rapping. It’s a sound that will chill you to your core. Even Mick had his concerns, which as usual, he didn’t listen to.

“I said to Dave … “Is this really stupid?”“

Yes. Yes is it. It’s an idea utterly bereft of the soul of the music you so greatly admire. Miracle Worker – as is the whole damned album – is to reggae, what a glittering yacht is, watching the slums of Kingston from a very safe distance through a telescope.

They should’ve called this project United Colours of Reggaeton.

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We asked and you responded – here come the long-awaited results of the hecklerspray UK Trainwreck Of The Year survey 2007.

Back in November we asked you to tell us which British celebrities had buggered their lives and reputations up more than anyone with either alcohol, booze, a scant regard for the law or just gigantic, all-encompassing stupidity, and you responded in your thousands. Thank you one and all. But who is the biggest UK Trainwreck Of The Year?

It's a prestigious title, that's for sure – similar in status to an Oscar or a sainthood – and the top ten Trainwrecks include Kate Moss, Jade Goody, Heather Mills, Pete Doherty, Charley From Big Brother, Joss Stone, Amy Winehouse, Victoria Beckham and Naomi Campbell – but in what order? Let's find out…

10 – Joss Stone, 2%
Although only being the country's tenth-biggest Trainwreck might come as a disappointment to some, Joss Stone still has every reason to celebrate her inclusion. That's because Joss Stone managed to pack an entire year's worth of Trainwreckiness into 35 glorious seconds at the Brits in February.

Stumbling around in the dark, dedicating "big love" to Robbie Williams while doing a spot-on impression of Lloyd Grossman, singing a soul-destroyingly self-conscious snatch of an Amy Winehouse song, Joss Stone packed it in tight. "Why does everyone in the UK hate me?" Joss has often been heard to cry throughout the year. We really have no idea, you purple-haired transatlantic wazzock.

9 – Naomi Campbell, 2.3%
Sneaking through on residual Trainwreck fumes from 2006 is Naomi Campbell, the supposed 'violent super-bigot' supermodel whose idea of an employee bonus is to lodge a diamante-encrusted Blackberry deep inside the back of her cleaner's skull instead of a regular plastic one.

This year, though, Naomi Campbell has sadly dialled down her Trainwreckiness – she pleaded guilty to assault rather than smashing the courtroom to splinters with her bare fists, and she even managed to complete community service without trying to choke a stranger on the business end of a ploppy mop. A disappointing year, all said – but we'll be rooting for Naomi to shriek back to form and punch a nun or something in 2008.

8 – Charley Uchea, Big Brother, 3.9%
Even though Big Brother has basically turned into Britain's Got Aggressive Histrionic Personality Disorder, this year Charley Uchea managed to accomplish the impossible feat of out-Trainwrecking almost every other Big Brother housemate in the show's history.

Loud, obnoxious, self-absorbed to the point of mania, this summer Charley managed to briefly unite the whole of the UK in wondering if there was a well somewhere that we could push her into. Now that she's a civilian again, Charley's full-time job seems to be either falling over outside nightclubs to try and get in the papers or being attacked by kindly passers-by who just want to put the poor girl out of her misery. Spectacular.

7 – Kate Moss, 4%
Even though 2007 was the year that she dumped Pete Doherty for good – an act so audaciously anti-Trainwrecky that it makes us feel physically ill to the pits of our stomachs – Kate Moss nevertheless made a blazing last-ditch effort to get onto our list in the closing stages of the year.

First Kate Moss had a bit of a loud party that upset the poshos she lives near, and then a DJ claimed that he saw her fall off the drug wagon so violently that she single-handedly managed to invent a fleet of enduring Trainwreck catchphrases. All together now: "Make me rave! Make me rave!" Come now Kate, we don't think you need our help for that.

6 – Kerry Katona, 6.2%
If Kerry Katona was legitimately famous instead of being the lardy northern chav off the Iceland adverts – incidentally: sterling work Iceland, you picked a blinder of a representative there – then we don't doubt she'd have gained herself a podium Trainwreck finish.

But since she barely counts as a celebrity, Kerry Katona should be proud of her sixth-place status. Truly Kerry is an inspiration to women everywhere, proving that they only need to fall pregnant 38 separate times each month (and smoke throughout), develop a suspected drug habit, get robbed at gunpoint in their own house and declare themselves to be bi-polar and they too can end up in the anonymous midway point of an sarcastic British blog's end-of-year idiot list.

5 – Victoria Beckham, 6.9%
2007 was meant to be Victoria Beckham's year – the year she went to LA with David to become a big TV star in her own right. But anyone with even a semi-functioning set of senses can see that it just hasn't happened for her.

Instead, Victoria Beckham has looked isolated and alone, with just Tom Cruise's suspicious wife and her own ludicrous breast implants for company. Victoria's TV career has tanked – consisting of a failed special, three seconds on Ugly Betty and one jabbered, indecipherable line on an advert for a supermarket. Worse still, Victoria Beckham isn't even as famous as Mel B any more. To Victoria Beckham, that's literally worse than an acid-bath suicide.

4 – Jade Goody, 10.8%
We know what you're thinking. You're thinking that Jade Goody is officially the fourth-biggest Trainwreck in the country because of her outrageous display of bigotry and racism on Celebrity Big Brother this year; a display so utterly repellent that people in India actually made little Jade Goodys out of straw and set them on fire in protest.

But you're wrong – Jade Goody isn't here because in the space of three angry January minutes she destroyed her entire career by racially abusing a Bollywood millionaire over some stock cubes. No, in fact Jade Goody is the UK's fourth-biggest Trainwreck because of the Celebrity Big Brother moment where she let her mute boyfriend jizz up her leg. Obviously.

3 – Pete Doherty, 12.3%
Pete Doherty carries a heavy weight on his shoulders today, and we don't mean his constantly-ballooning chubface, either. In fact, Pete Doherty is the only male to have made the 2007 UK Trainwreck top ten. But, by God, is he ever representing the gender well.

The Trainwreck that other Trainwrecks judge themselves against, at various points this year Pete Doherty has lived in a caravan after being dumped by a supermodel and was accused of angrily threatening to slit the throat of a young woman's mother, all the while churning out music that sounds like a cheap Buddy Holly tribute act as heard through a couple of kitchen funnels sellotaped to the side of your head – and yet somehow he's managed to avoid jail for all these things. We're so stunned that we haven't even worked out if that's a good or a bad thing. Bad, we'd imagine.

2 – Heather Mills, 24.6%
Heather Mills is either a saintly woman bravely fighting evil with the sword of social justice, or a mental weirdo who keeps saying the word "paedophile!" in a funny high-pitched voice on breakfast TV a lot. And, of course, this depends mostly on whether you're Heather Mills or not.

Already a high-ranking Trainwreck contender for the way she basically forced the world into siding with a granny-faced millionaire with a bad dye-job over her divorce, Heather Mills really kicked her Trainwreck campaign into overdrive this autumn by going on every single TV show in the land to roll her eyes, froth at the mouth, compare herself to Princess Diana and generally do a far better job of sending herself up than we ever could. That's an unattainably high level of Trainwreckiness, right? Not quite…

1 – Amy Winehouse, 26.5%
Who else could it possibly be. You want to know why Amy Winehouse is the biggest Trainwreck in the country this year and you're not? Have you overdosed on heroin, cocaine, ketamine, ecstasy and alcohol all in one go? Have you got a husband accused of beating a man so severely that he needed metal plates inserted into his face? Have you then threatened a crowd of 13,000 disappointed booing concertgoers with violence at the hands of said husband? Have you ever stalked through London barefoot on a winter's night in just your bra? Have you ever got into a gory razorblade fight with anyone who tries to stop you taking drugs with a hooker you just met?

Chances are you haven't, but Amy Winehouse has. Winning the 2007 hecklerspray UK Trainwreck Of The Year poll must be a bittersweet way for Amy Winehouse to end the year – any initial elation at winning such a prestigious title will probably be tempered with the gut-churning realisation that somehow she's going to have to top all this next year. But you can do it, Amy! We believe in you!

As sure as night follows day and the drinking of cheap supermarket cider instills a sense of self-loathing, so Mondays will forever herald the arrival of a brand new hecklerspray Celebrity Haiku Competition. At least until we get bored of it. Or until those of you who take this contest far too seriously begin stalking us, glistening kitchen knife in hand as you ramble on about syllables and syntax and how mummy kept you locked in the cupboard between the ages of seven and nine.

Until that day, let the slightly pointless fun continue.

This week we're looking at pop starlet Joss Stone and her new job as a chocolate saleswoman. Before that, though, let's take a sneaky peek at last week's winner…

Seven days ago, we asked you to come up with the best haiku about the fact that Radiohead had closed down their free download service for In Rainbows and decided to sell it the old-fashioned way instead. The victor was someone called Euclid, whose poetic ode ran thus:

In Rainbows' makers:
"What could be better than free?"
Bigger pot of gold

Well done, sir. But – hey – don't the rest of you go worryin'. Just because you lost out last week, that doesn't mean you're not in with a chance this time around. Just come up with the winning haiku on this week's topic:

Singer Joss Stone is to be the new Cadbury's Flake girl.

Just remember the golden rule of haiku: five syllables, seven syllables, five syllables. Why, here be an example (based on this week's story):

Joss Stone eating flake

will now be all over your

television set

Yeah, yeah. That was lame. And you can do better. Entries in the comments box below…

Read More:

Joss Stone Set To Be New Flake Girl – Daily Snack