Firstly, let us say that gastroenteritis is not funny – unless it happens to Josh Hartnett, then it kind of is.

No. No it isn’t. Alright, yes it is. A bit. Anyway, Josh Hartnett has got gastroenteritis severe enough to call an ambulance and get taken into to hospital for treatment. Of course, you may know gastroenteritis by its more common name – the Little Bit Of A Tummy Ache – but it’s worse than that, because it usually results in acute diarrhea.

Don’t die, Josh Hartnett! Don’t crap yourself to death! You’ve got so much to live for! Specifically Hollywood Homicide 2!

We want you to do something for us. We want you to imagine a world with no Josh Hartnett in it. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine the utter outright despair that we’d all feel if Josh Hartnett had never been born? Who would have played the part of Capt. Danny Walker in Pearl Harbour if Josh Hartnett wasn’t around? Or the lead in that film about the boy who wanks a lot? Or whoever he was in Lucky Number Slevin? Some other dull-looking box-faced charisma vacuum? Come on, that wouldn’t be the same at all.

Well, people, that day might finally be upon us. Because – we really don’t really know how to break this to you – Josh Hartett is… oh God. Josh Hartnett is a bit poorly in his tummy-wummy. There, we said it. We finally said it.

Worse still, Josh Hartnett’s stomach pains are so bad that he’s been hospitalised for treatment. That means, in all honesty, that it might be serious. The Boston Herald reports:

Hartnett’s publicist said the “Black Hawk Down” star went to the hospital, by ambulance, early yesterday after “a flare-up of a gastrointestinal problem that plagued him while he was starring in the west end of London during the production of ‘Rain Man’ last year.” The 30-year-old Hartnett remains under observation, but is resting comfortably, according to his publicist.

Resting comfortably? Oh God, oh vengeful God, how could you do this to poor, poor Josh Hartnett? Resting comfortably is only 35 – maybe even 34 – stages down from having a terminal disease! Don’t you dare take Josh Hartnett from us, God? Who’d star in the Emporio Armani Diamonds For Men fragrance commercial if he died? Jonathan Rhys Meyers? Well, yes, probably. But would it be the same? Well, again, yes. Yes it probably would. But what was our point here? We’ve long since forgotten. You hear that, God? WE’VE LONG SINCE FORGOTTEN!

Anyway, we’d like to wish Josh Hartnett a speedy recovery from his gastroenteritis. It can’t be pleasant for him, spending his days writhing around in agony on a hospital bed in front of fleets of nurses who probably used to fancy him before they saw him splutter pint after pint of burning-hot diarrhea out of his red-raw anus against his will.

So get well soon, Josh. We want you back on your feet so we can continue to ignore every single thing you ever do again. It’s the natural order of things.

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Heterosexual males and homosexual females – and anyone else who has a pulse – unite and take note: Scarlett Johansson’s relationship to actor boyfriend Ryan Reynolds may be on the rocks.

According to a ‘Stateside spy’ working under cover for the Daily Mail, their relationship has ‘hit a rough patch’. It seems Scarlett has been scared off by Ryan’s mentioning of babies and weddings. The spy said:

"Scarlett is younger and has no desire for a husband or family just yet."

What’s this? An A-list female celebrity who prioritises her career above procreation?

How refreshing.

The couple have been dating since last year, after Ryan's split from fiancée Alanis Morisette, and Scarlett’s two-year relationship to king of the uber-dullards, Josh Hartnett, had come to an end.

The spy went on to comment about rumours suggesting Scarlett, 23, had moved in with Ryan, 31, at his Los Angeles home:

"Scarlett hasn't moved in full-time. She has just moved in some of her stuff so that if she stays over she has some belongings there. She is very much focused on her career and is filming three movies back-to-back this year."

So, she's sort of moved in but hasn't really, which therefore means – as far as hecklerspray is concerned – that she's sort of available, but isn't. And 'sort of available' is enough for us.

Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett's window is slightly ajar. If we all combine forces we could wrench it wide-open, so far open that even a normal person like you could scuttle in. Only if you can out-charm hecklerspray first, of course.

If you're reading this, Scarlett, then come over here, darling, cos' hecklerspray's got a bottle of KY, three viagras and a pack of pork scratchings with your name on it.

To all pretenders to our throne – Good Luck.

Read More – Boyfriend's marriage hopes on hold as Scarlett's wedded to her career – Daily Mail