Hey, remember that time that Josh Duhamel was accused of cheating on Fergie by boning a stripper?

Sure you do. It only happened a week ago. What? You’ve forgotten already, on the basis that Josh Duhamel is the dullest man who’s ever lived? You think that wasting even a drop of brainpower on someone as inherently dreary as Josh Duhamel is a criminal misuse of humanity’s potential? Yeah, us too, actually.

But tough, because the stripper who Josh Duhamel allegedly had his ferociously mundane way with isn’t letting go of her moment in the spotlight. She’s publicly apologised to Fergie for having sex with her husband, whatever his name is. We’ve forgotten already. That’s how boring he is.

We’re ready to declare this – Josh Duhamel is a genius. Somehow he’s managed to become so unremittingly dull that he can get away with anything he likes. Take this stripper thing – Josh has been accused of having sex with a stripper behind Fergie’s back. Anybody else would have been hounded by the press until they broke down and confessed, but not Josh Duhamel. Josh Duhamel is so boring that nobody cares.

It’s such a brilliant tactic. Nobody can rouse any enthusiasm for anything he does, so he may as well do whatever he likes. If Josh Duhamel can get away with allegedly having it off with a stripper, then he should see what else he can do before anyone starts to notice him. He should rob banks, happyslap pensioners for their chips and start annexing small European principalities willy nilly. Sure, it’d annoy people but, so long as it was being done by Josh Duhamel, nobody would be able to rouse the enthusiasm to complain about any of it.

But just because Josh Duhamel is a wandering vacuum of all-encompassing nothingness, it doesn’t mean that everyone’s given up on the stripper story. Nicole Forrester, the stripper at the centre of all this, is still doing her best to bang on about it at every opportunity. So much so, in fact, that she’s decided to publicly apologise to Fergie for all the terrible things she did with Josh, just to string out her 15 minutes. US Magazine reports:

“I’m sorry.” At the time of the one-night stand, she explains “I thought, ‘Nobody’s gonna find out. It’s not gonna hurt anybody… I’m sorry that I didn’t think of it like I think of it now.” Things have been tough for Forrester since the news broke. Her son even told her “‘you’re disgusting. I didn’t know you had sex with him,’” she claims.

You have to feel for Nicole Forrester. After all, how was she to know that allegedly sleeping with a married actor and then voluntarily doing numerous high profile paid interviews about it on TV, radio and in print would lead to people finding out about it? She’s the real victim here. That poor woman.

Still, at least the total public apathy towards Nicole Forrester’s claims mean that Josh Duhamel’s film career won’t be put in any danger. He’ll still be able to turn out first-class performances like he did in… oh, look, we don’t know. We can’t even be arsed to Google him. He’ll be fine.

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We know what you’re thinking – why would Josh Duhamel even think about cheating on Fergie with a stripper?

Well, let’s count the ways. First, both Josh Duhamel and Fergie are apart a lot. Then there’s the knowledge that he’d be having sex with someone statistically less likely to burst into My Humps during orgasm. And also, if you enjoy having sex with people with a fondness for crystal meth – like Fergie does – but you don’t enjoy hearing them bang on about it all the time – like Fergie does – then where do you go? That’s right, the strip club.

Nevertheless, Josh Duhamel says that he definitely didn’t have sex with a stripper, even though the stripper says he definitely did.

What is it with the cast of Transformers, eh? First Shia LaBeouf knackers his hand in a car crash, then everyone decides that they hate Megan Fox and now Josh Duhamel – boring old Josh Duhamel, the boring one from Transformers who’s so unremittingly boring that you wouldn’t notice if he was replaced by a sheet of plywood with a jawline painted onto it – has been accused of having it off with a stripper behind his wife Fergie’s back. Next thing you know, Optimus Prime’s going to get caught jerking off a ladyboy behind a branch of Dorothy Perkins and we’ll all be done for.

But we digress. This is about Josh Duhamel, the boring husband of Fergie from Black Eyed Peas, and the accusations that he did it with a stripper in Atlanta. Apparently, according to the stripper herself, Josh Duhamel met her at the club where she works, claimed he was a porn star, took her number, invited her back to his hotel room and had it away with her while he was drunk.

Duhamel has repeatedly denied this accusation, although the stripper – a woman named Nicole Forrester – claims she has text message and polygraph results to prove that she’s telling the truth. And, as E! Online reports, she didn’t to to the press with the story, and she’s only making such a big deal about this because she doesn’t like being called a liar:

She denies feeding the story to the National Enquirer herself, saying that the tabloid came to her, offering her $500 just to come in and talk, after an anonymous tipster reported that Duhamel was bragging on the set that he had “banged a hot, blond stripper at Tattletales.”

Now we don’t know one way or the other, but from the paragraph above we think we can see where Josh Duhamel made his first mistake. He went to a strip club called Tattletales, for crying out loud. Look, Josh, we know you’re not exactly known for your towering intellect, but Tattletales? What, couldn’t you find a strip club called I Promise To Go To The Press About You While I’m Rinsing Myself Out Afterwards?

But it’s Fergie who’s the real victim here. We wonder how she’s taking it, and hope that her torment ends soon. Unless it’s caused her take a vow of silence, of course. If that’s the case then we hope her torment lasts for about a decade.

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But now she’s also Mrs Duhamel. On Saturday Fergie married dangerously minor actor Josh Duhamel during a beautiful ceremony in Malibu. So, you know, if you thought you’d heard the story about how Fergie took crystal meth as a kid too often, have a little sympathy for Josh Duhamel – he’ll have to hear it every day until he dies.

Best of all though, every single D-lister who’s ever walked the earth saw Fergie and Duhamel get married. Oh Sarin, you’re never there when you’re needed.

So far, 2009 hasn’t been a happy one for celebrity romances. Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson are on the rocks. Jennifer Love-Hewitt has split up with her fiancee and so has Katy Perry. Lily Allen split up with that very old man she kept snogging on the beach. Sarah Jessica Parker’s about to split up with Matthew Broderick, Jennifer Lopez is about to split up with Marc Anthony and Patricia Arquette and her husband have split up. And we’re only 12 days into 2009, for crying out loud.

What we need is a burst of positivity – an affirmation of the power of love by a superstar. And did that happen at the weekend? Well, no. OK, an affirmation of the power of love by a regular star? No, that didn’t happen either? OK, well did the screeching labia-obsessed woman from Black Eyed Peas get married to an actor who’s inexplicably even less famous than her? Yes, apparently that last one did happen. So let’s go with that.

On Saturday Fergie – the one from Black Eyed Peas who wets herself and used to take crystal meth you know – got married to Josh Duhamel, who’ll you know as the one from Transformers who wasn’t Jon Voight, Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox or one of the giant borderline-offensive Ebonics-speaking robots. People reports on the ceremony:

The Black Eyed Peas singer, 33, wearing a Dolce & Gabbana gown, and the actor, 36, tied the knot at the Church Estates Vineyards in Malibu. Fergie carried a bouquet of white flowers studded with crystals as the couple exchanged H. Stern rings engraved with personal messages. Ten bridesmaids were dressed in contrasting black. The ceremony was followed by a reception in a tent decorated as a forest of trees.

White flowers studded with crystals? Nice. It just goes to show that while you can’t buy class, you can buy, um, some white flowers studded with crystals. We think that was our original point there.

Anyway, more impressive than the flower/crystal mash-up was the wedding’s guestlist. All the other members of Black Eyed Peas saw Fergie marry Josh Duhamel, as did AC Slater from Saved By The Bell, the bloke from Kangaroo Jack, Kid Rock, the one from Bride Wars who isn’t Anne Hathaway, a female wrestler and – oddly – Slash. We don’t know what Slash was doing there. Maybe he mistook it for a version of the November Rain video and was waiting for someone to ask him to play a nine-hour directionless solo on the edge of a cliff or something.

Anyway, congratulations to both Fergie and Josh Duhamel. Now don’t get pregnant for a while, will you, because we’ve used up the three facts we know about either of you here and we can’t be bothered to do any more research. Deal?

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