Breasts-on-legs celebrity Jordan has split from her husband, tiny Australian Peter Andre. Form an orderly queue, gentlemen.

Probably a queue where you’re all naked and desperately trying to stop yourself doing a milky manwee before it’s your turn.

Fame. It’s a funny thing. Some people achieve it by being blessed with good looks and acting skills. Some get there by using their beautiful voice and hedge-like eyebrows to charm the hearts of millions. And some stuff a load of jelly-filled bags into their boobies, then wander round thrusting the hilarious results down camera lenses.

Ladies and gentlemen of hecklerspray. We have some grave news to impart. You should perhaps sit down, because this will rock you to the core. We know how much you’ve invested in the marriage of Jordan and Peter Andre – God knows, we have ourselves spent hours worrying about their long-term stability. But today we must deliver the sad news that the two have split up. Please, lean backwards immediately to avoid getting tears on your keyboard.

The whole cynical publicity exercise crazy love-adventure began in 2004, when Jordan and Andre appeared on I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here. Hypnotised by Jordan’s ludicrous silicon valley, Andre spent his time ogling her gargantuan titties and unsuccessfully trying to hide his stiff little fella from the hundred and fifty cameras recording every moment. While Jordan decided that she might come across as less like an employee of Doncaster’s third-best lapdancing club if she started using her real name, Katie Price.

The pair decided that they could make potloads of money would be eternally happy if they were to wed. And so it came to pass. In a ludicrous display, apparently modelled on an 11-year old girl’s English essay called “Princess Florentina’s Weding With The Prince Handsome In A Betiful Pallace‘.

Peter Andre has spent the last five years suckling fame-milk from her massive celebrity breasts.

Now, with terrible yet unstoppable predictability, the pair have announced that they are splitting up. Get your Kleenex ready, as MTV reports:

“Peter Andre and Katie Price are separating, after four-and-a-half years of marriage. They have both requested that the media respect their families’ privacy at this difficult time.”

Which, we believe, is tabloid-speak for “Please be aware she will soon be shambling out of a club with her boobs out and knickers in her handbag. Get your upskirt cameras ready“.

So, we wish you the best in making it through the rest of the week with this tragedy foremost in your mind. Please, talk to someone you trust if it all gets too much, and remember: no one’s died.

Like, by being dragged into the huge vortex of Jordan’s fanny and suffoacating. Could happen.

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