As a teenage country singer, Taylor Swift is bound by convention to get pregnant as soon as possible – preferably by a member of her own family.

But don’t hold your breath. Following reports of her fury at being dumped by Joe Jonas recently, rumours quickly spread that Taylor Swift was in fact pregnant. But this isn’t the case at all, and Taylor Swift has publicly declared that it would be ‘impossible’ for her to be pregnant.

Of course it’s impossible. Look at the facts – Taylor Swift is a good, church-going Christian girl from the heartland of America who’s only just reached the legal age of consent and whose last known boyfriend is a self-confessed virgin. Of course it’s impossible for Taylor Swift to be pregnant. She’s obviously a man.

Grammy-nominated performer she might be, but Taylor Swift needs to be taught some country and western lessons as soon as possible.

For example, Taylor Swift was recently dumped by a Jonas Brother. How did she react? By making a short internet video starring a doll, that’s how. That’s not country. If Taylor Swift was serious about being a country singer she’d have rushed to the nearest bar and choked a waitress. Or at least shot a stranger in the face. That’s country.

Honestly, at this rate Taylor Swift risks losing the hearts and minds of country fans altogether. She needs to do something real country real fast – something like getting pregnant.

That’d be perfect – just think of the credibility that an illegitimate baby born out of wedlock would give Taylor Swift’s country career. Once it was born, she could call it Bobby Jed, dress it in little dungarees and give it a job driving a truck before it’s old enough to walk.

Except she won’t do that. Despite a raft of recent rumours to the contrary, Taylor Swift has come forward to comprehensively deny that she’s pregnant. More than that, in fact, Taylor Swift says that pregnancy is an absolute impossibility for her. The LA Times reports:

The 18-year-old country singer wrote on her MySpace page: “I read a very creative rumor this morning saying I’m pregnant, which is the most IMPOSSIBLE thing on the planet. Take my word for it. Impossible.”

You hear that? The notion that Taylor Swift could ever be pregnant is literally the most impossible thing on the planet. Think of anything you like – like a bee the size of a bus, or representing √2 as a rational fraction p/q, or a man who poos marshmallows – and it’s bound to be a million percent less impossible than the idea that Taylor Swift, an 18-year-old woman with what we only presume is a functioning reproductive system, might possibly be pregnant.

That’s all well and good, but it doesn’t help Taylor Swift’s country credentials, does it? At this rate she’ll be kicked off the scene by the end of the week unless she does something profoundly country. Our suggestion? Taylor Swift should deny that she’s gay immediately.