Articles tagged with: jonas brothers
Sorry Everyone On Earth, The Jonas Brothers Aren’t Splitting Up
Sorry. You were probably having quite a good day, weren't you? And now we've come along and trampled all over it. Or worse. Maybe you were having a terrible day. And maybe the news that The Jonas Brothers aren't splitting up will be the last straw for you. Maybe hearing this will be what finally pushes you to climb that clocktower so you can start systematically blasting away at strangers with a sniper rifle until you're inevitably taken out by a police helicopter. Either way, The Jonas Brothers aren't splitting up. In fact, The Jonas Brothers are so not splitting up that they've gone to the trouble of actually telling people that they're not splitting up. Sorry.
Sorry. You were probably having quite a good day, weren't you? And now we've come along and trampled all over it. Or worse. Maybe you were having a terrible day. And maybe the news that The Jonas Brothers aren't splitting up will be the last straw for you. Maybe hearing this will be what finally pushes you to climb that clocktower so you can start systematically blasting away at strangers with a sniper rifle until you're inevitably taken out by a police helicopter. Either way, The Jonas Brothers aren't splitting up. In fact, The Jonas Brothers are so not splitting up that they've gone to the trouble of actually telling people that they're not splitting up. Sorry.
Teen Choice Awards Won By… Oh, You Can Probably Guess
Without irony or hyperbole, the Teen Choice Awards sounds like the worst place on the face of the planet. Why? Because Robert Pattinson was there. And The Jonas Brothers were there. And it was held yesterday, in Los Angeles in the summer. And Robert Pattinson and The Jonas Brothers are famed for making teenage girls urinate uncontrollably. And the sun is famed for its ability to evaporate liquid. So put it together and what do you get? Piss clouds. You get thousands of people at the Teen Choice Awards inhaling giant clouds of each other's piss. Plus: Miley Cyrus! Ugh.
Without irony or hyperbole, the Teen Choice Awards sounds like the worst place on the face of the planet. Why? Because Robert Pattinson was there. And The Jonas Brothers were there. And it was held yesterday, in Los Angeles in the summer. And Robert Pattinson and The Jonas Brothers are famed for making teenage girls urinate uncontrollably. And the sun is famed for its ability to evaporate liquid. So put it together and what do you get? Piss clouds. You get thousands of people at the Teen Choice Awards inhaling giant clouds of each other's piss. Plus: Miley Cyrus! Ugh.
Hollywood Records; THE Premier Label For Unashamed Whores
Hollywood Records is a label imprint for the Walt Disney Company. Therefore they have a truly horrible roster of ’stars’ like Hayden Panettiere and Vanessa Hudgens. Although I will pretty much listen to any tween piece of crap, some of this stuff is truly bone-chilling. The label pretty much makes its money solely on the premise that if teenagers like to see rubbish actors in movies, they will LOVE hearing them sing. Unfortunately for us, this appears to be true. Basically, being an artist on Hollywood records is like being a chef at McDonalds. Prime examples after the jump...
Hollywood Records is a label imprint for the Walt Disney Company. Therefore they have a truly horrible roster of ’stars’ like Hayden Panettiere and Vanessa Hudgens. Although I will pretty much listen to any tween piece of crap, some of this stuff is truly bone-chilling. The label pretty much makes its money solely on the premise that if teenagers like to see rubbish actors in movies, they will LOVE hearing them sing. Unfortunately for us, this appears to be true. Basically, being an artist on Hollywood records is like being a chef at McDonalds. Prime examples after the jump...
Joe Jonas Splits With Camilla Belle, Sobs Like An Actual Baby
Like everyone else, we were praying that Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle would get married and have kids. We don't want to see them happy, you understand. No, it's because Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle have both got massive eyebrows and so their offspring would end up freakishly hairy, and we'd be allowed to chase it into the forest with pitchforks and torches as a result. But that dream is over - Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle have split up. Still, Joe Jonas took the news like a man - a man who openly weeps at his own concerts. Video? Oh yes.
Like everyone else, we were praying that Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle would get married and have kids. We don't want to see them happy, you understand. No, it's because Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle have both got massive eyebrows and so their offspring would end up freakishly hairy, and we'd be allowed to chase it into the forest with pitchforks and torches as a result. But that dream is over - Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle have split up. Still, Joe Jonas took the news like a man - a man who openly weeps at his own concerts. Video? Oh yes.
The Jonas Brother That Nobody Likes Gets Engaged
The Jonas Brothers are so adorable, aren't they? Which one is your favourite? Nick or Joe? Oh, we can't decide either! What? Kevin Jonas? There's a Kevin Jonas? You mean that weird-looking guy who usually stands behind the other two is a Jonas Brother as well? Wow. We just assumed that he was their manager or their dad or a particularly persistent beggar or something. Anyway, Kevin Jonas has just got engaged. No date has been set, although hopefully it won't happen until Kevin Jonas has finished On Chesil Beach and properly developed his desperately profound fear of physical intimacy.
The Jonas Brothers are so adorable, aren't they? Which one is your favourite? Nick or Joe? Oh, we can't decide either! What? Kevin Jonas? There's a Kevin Jonas? You mean that weird-looking guy who usually stands behind the other two is a Jonas Brother as well? Wow. We just assumed that he was their manager or their dad or a particularly persistent beggar or something. Anyway, Kevin Jonas has just got engaged. No date has been set, although hopefully it won't happen until Kevin Jonas has finished On Chesil Beach and properly developed his desperately profound fear of physical intimacy.
WEBTHUMP! Tuesday 12 May 2009
10 - Courtney Love's Twitter feed put through Babelfish - Mychemicaltoilet 9 - MANBABIES! - Manbabies 8 - More Keyboard Cat than you could ever wish for. Brilliant - Playhimoffkeyboardcat 7 - Man apologises for Oprah's KFC blunder in a sinister accent - Amygrindhouse
Jonas Brothers Topless In 3D Movie: All 12-Year-Old Girls Have Just Exploded
Attention, girls and creepy old men: the Jonas Brothers go boobs-out in their new film! We've seen some pretty nasty things at the cinema. Saw II. Albanian midgetporn. And that bit in The Love Guru between getting out of the car and getting back in the car - just sickening. But even our battle-hardened stomach has warned us we’re not to go and see the new Jonas Brothers movie, which shows the boys larking about backstage while semi-naked. It said if we try to watch the film, it'll start flinging organs up through our mouth one at a time until we promise to be good. Or die. Y'know, whichever.
Attention, girls and creepy old men: the Jonas Brothers go boobs-out in their new film! We've seen some pretty nasty things at the cinema. Saw II. Albanian midgetporn. And that bit in The Love Guru between getting out of the car and getting back in the car - just sickening. But even our battle-hardened stomach has warned us we’re not to go and see the new Jonas Brothers movie, which shows the boys larking about backstage while semi-naked. It said if we try to watch the film, it'll start flinging organs up through our mouth one at a time until we promise to be good. Or die. Y'know, whichever.
Weekend Box Office: Tyler Perry Beats Off The Jonas Brothers
The Jonas Brothers are a genuine sensation - in all seriousness, they might just be the biggest act on Earth. And the Jonas Brothers had a film out on Friday. So what's the number one movie at the weekend box office this week? You guessed it - it's Tyler Perry's Madea Goes To Jail. Poor old the Jonas Brothers - they weren't really supposed to be beaten by a man dressed as a fat old lady for another decade until their success waned and they developed drug habits that opened them up to a world of mind-bending transsexual S&M. Those lucky Jonas Brothers.
The Jonas Brothers are a genuine sensation - in all seriousness, they might just be the biggest act on Earth. And the Jonas Brothers had a film out on Friday. So what's the number one movie at the weekend box office this week? You guessed it - it's Tyler Perry's Madea Goes To Jail. Poor old the Jonas Brothers - they weren't really supposed to be beaten by a man dressed as a fat old lady for another decade until their success waned and they developed drug habits that opened them up to a world of mind-bending transsexual S&M. Those lucky Jonas Brothers.
