When Demi Lovato split from Joe Jonas, it all started going wrong. She ended up suicidal, self harming, developing an eating disorder and in rehab. It was pretty gruesome really, seeing as she was only about six years old or something.
We might have that completely wrong. We can’t tell these young stars apart. However, she had one person she could rely on – Colombian footballing legend Carlos Valderrama.
Recent reports noted that the pair were romantically involved, but alas, before we could all thrill at such an amazing union, it’s believed the couple have now ended their relationship.
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There is a definite trend of companies recycling their expensive adverts of yesteryear in order to save themselves a bit of cash. To be honest, there isn’t a lot we can say as a criticism of that. Times are tough and if your product hasn’t changed very much then why bother going to the effort of making a whole new advert to extoll the exact same virtues.
While there’s nothing wrong with it on the face of it, some ads remind us that they were completely awful in the first place and, like last week, we’re looking into the murky, sugar-loaded world of soft drinks.
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Remember the halcyon days when Westlife were a five-piece. They all looked so perfect in photographs with their highlighted curtains and work-sweaters from River Island. They really were the most refreshing thing to get off a stool in pop since GG Allin.
Then, the band went all off-balance when, unfathomably, Brian McFadden decided to go ‘indie’, which actually meant growing a bit of a beard, wearing a parka and… well… still peddling turgid, plodding pop music. Westlife, of course, continued doing exactly the same as before (which actually means, ‘doing as they were told’) and set about becoming the most earnest entertainers in the history of mankind.
BUT WAIT! Is McFadden going to rejoin Westlife? Have they seen Robbie’s reunion with Take That and thought ‘Hey! That’s a really clever, cynical marketing ploy to shift a few more tickets and albums! Provided Brian doesn’t do that rape song…’? Read More >>>
Delta Goodrem is a singer. Now, you may find that patronising, but we thought you might need reminding as it would appear she’s only famous for having cancer and being dim enough to see Brian McFadden as a suitable mate.
Of course, once McFadden had released his date-rape classic, ‘Just The Way You Are’ (listen here if you missed it), it didn’t take Goodrem long to bin the former Westlifer off.
And now, much to screaming girls annoyance, Goodrem has been spotted out and about holding hands with crooning clone Nick Jonas.
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White cliffs of Dover-haired, auto-tune fiends John and Edward have taken the time to point out the cripplingly obvious fact they must be celibate. ‘Jedward’ who, until recently, were conjoined twins connected by the vocal chords have stated in an interview that they have taken a vow of celibacy.
Members of their female fan base, the twins revealed their desire to keep their pale cocks in their pants in an interview with GT magazine. The Irish twins insisted that they won’t be taking advantage of their groupies because sex is strictly off limits; clearly ignoring the fact that most of their fans are too young to give a good porking to in the first instance.
The pair were said to have taken their vow in front of their proud parents and a presumably furiously masturbating Louis Walsh who managed to turn toward an intern just at the moment of orgasm, otherwise that couple of seconds would probably have been the focus of the news story.
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Demi Lovato may well be a young, tender and impressionable woman, but we can all take great joy in her having personal issues because she worked for Disney and it is completely fine to mock anyone who came through its ranks.
Why? Don’t ask us. We didn’t make the rules. Like Blue Peter presenters, if they’re to be roundly hooted at when they balls-up in life.
And so, Lovato’s anguish of what she described as a “nervous breakdown” may well be upsetting normally, the fact that she’s Mickey Mouse’s spawn makes the whole thing rather hilarious! SHE WANTED TO DIE! HAHAHA! WHAT A HOOT!
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Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene have, crushingly, called time on their romance. What will us plebs aspire to now in matters of the heart. For here, we lie jaded, broken and listlessly twitching on our knees, wondering if true love even exists anymore.
It is gone, blown away on a cruel, tender breeze along with our hopes which are fading like the last lingering flickers of the day as the sun sets in all of our hearts.
And Joe Jonas (who may or may not be pictured right, we’ve no idea which clone we’ve featured) is totally not a great big gay. Okay? He’s not. He’s really not a massive gay. Just to clear that up.
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Despite technically being her biological father, Billy-Ray has always seemed to have been a sort of peripheral figure in the life of Miley Cyrus. We, like most people, just assumed that this squealing, garishly coloured infant that was thrust onto our screens/music charts/cinemas/nightmares a few years ago was grown organically in one of Disney’s many factories, like all teen stars. Possibly incubated in pork render, agar, MSG, and ‘fairy dust’ (which is the trademarked term they use for the last remaining precious spoonfuls of Uncle Walts ejaculate, apparently).
So imagine our surprise when we learnt that it was none other than the combination of the by product of a faux cowboy’s testicles and a genuine human woman’s warm embracing vagina that were contracted out to design and produce her. Under the aegis of the Disney corporation, obviously (probably).
Because of this embarrassing start to life, Miley has tried to distance herself from the biological process that marks her out from the rest of Disney and shown almost no emotional response to her ‘parents’. Until now.
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