You. You know who you are. You people who started the rumours about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie splitting up.

Yeah, you. You’ve got a bloody nerve. Look what you’ve done. Because of you, we had to put up with those insufferably stage-managed photos of Brad Pitt and Angeline Jolie smooching at the Super Bowl. And now that Angelina Jolie has apparently patched things up with her estranged dad Jon Voight, we’ve been forced to wade through yet another offensively public display of Jolie affection, this time in Venice with the evil old man from the last season of 24.

Still, join us again soon when Angelina Jolie decides that she quite likes Cillit Bang, and proves it by deliberately dry-humping a bottle of it on the back of a giant golden revolving unicorn at the closing ceremony of the Winter Olympics.

For all her successes, Angelina Jolie is a woman whose life has been marked by profound disappointment. There’s disappointment over the fact that none of her films turn out to be quite as good as anyone expects. There’s disappointment over the fact that the father of her children now has a face like a Romanian pensioner’s vagina. There’s disappointment over the fact that she’s never been able to give any of her children a name that doesn’t look like the world’s worst Scrabble hand when it’s written down.

But most of all there’s disappointment over the fact that Angelina had become estranged from her father Jon Voight. The rift began close to a decade ago, when Voight gave a TV interview claiming that Angelina Jolie had ‘serious mental problems’. But now that Angelina Jolie has proved him wrong by covering herself in tattoos, shacking up with a man who looks like he’s regurgitating Bruce Forsyth‘s wig and adopting all kinds of children just so that she can give them names that consist of nothing but arbitrarily-picked consonants, it’s time for them to reconcile.

And that’s what they’ve done. On a boat, in Venice, in full of what appears to be every single paparazzi on the face of the planet, Angelina Jolie and Jon Voight have been reconciling the shit out of each other. MSNBC reports:

A photo taken in Venice showed Jolie and Voight together, along with Pitt and their oldest daughter, Zahara. Pitt played a big part in bringing the father and daughter back together, according to a source. “Since (Pitt and Jolie) have been together, Brad has been encouraging Angie to smooth things over with her dad,” the source said.

This is good news indeed. Life’s too short to bear grudges with people as important as family, and everyone involved here will benefit from Angelina Jolie’s decision to bite the bullet and make friends again. Not least her children. With Jon Voight back in their lives, they’ll now have two grandfathers to play with. That’s way better than what most of them had before, which was one grandfather to play with, one grandfather to avoid and two biological grandfathers to occasionally think about between jetting around the world and having loads of money and stuff. Well done them.

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Roseanne Barr isn’t really known for being particularly funny, but this time she’s managed to make us all laugh.

See, there are times when celebrities get angry at other celebrities – they usually mean a few cross words and not much else. We smirk at these times. We enjoy. We forget.

Then there are times when a celebrity unleashes a furious rant at other celebrities – and this is exactly what Roseanne Barr has gone and done, and in whose direction?

Why, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, of course. The easiest of the targets, as we all know too well.

The internet is a wonderful thing – once we would have to wait for weeks or even months to hear of the spats between two sets of people we don’t know and are unlikely to ever meet. Now, thanks to the popularity and ease of use of blogs, we get to know about even the smallest of arguments straight from the horse’s mouth.

Or Roseanne’s mouth, which – let’s be honest here – isn’t particularly horsey. More beastly.

Yes, she who was on that there Roseanne programme has gone and vented her spleen about the king and queen of celebritydom, starting out on estranged grandpappy Jon Voight but soon moving on to Brad and Angie, slating them for their adoption practices, their charity donations and their political opinions – or lack thereof.

Oh, and she’s only gone and included a passage that very much stands out as something a hecklerspray writer would be proud to unleash on the world.

On the other hand, it does make Roseanne seem utterly, utterly mad and throws the whole matter into question. If it were a reasoned and generally normal person making this post then maybe there would be more credibility behind it, but as it stands, it’s a mad old woman being a bit mad and old.

But who cares? It’s a funny rant! And it went a little something like this:

“jon voight your evil spawn angelina jolie and her vacuous hubby brad pitt make about forty million dollars a year in violent psychopathic movies and give away three of it to starving children”

Take into account this is printed verbatim, warts, lack of punctuation and all. But Rosey went on and unleashed this beaut, which has to go down as one of the finest sentences a comedian in the decline of her career has said about two top-of-their-game A listers:

“trying to look as if they give a crap about humanity as they spit out more dunces that will consume more than their fair share and wreck the earth even more. (just sayin’).”

It’s got venom, it’s got righteous fury and – best of all – it’s got a half-arsed, abbreviated semi-withdrawal at the end of it. That’s a sentence of kings, really. It demands respect while spitting out fury. But did it stop there? Did it bollocks. The ex-fake wife of John Goodman was obviously just hitting her (typing) stride:

“do you not know that the african daughter you hold in every picture had parents who suffered and died because of the republican party’s worldwide economic assault on africa over the last few decades since reagan?”

Obviously she went on even more, confusing us just as much as she made us splutter our Coco Pops all over our fancy new keyboard, but the choicest pick has to come from how she signs the post off:

“Ps….it might be good for your asian and african children’s self esteem to know you support a brown man for the leader of the free world.”

We can’t help but be conflicted about the whole thing. On one hand it’s utterly hilarious, on the other she does need to take a step back to take another look, calm herself down and probably have a nap, as she seems a bit cranky.

Either way, Roseanne Barr has amused hecklerspray for the first time in our life – marrying Tom Arnold didn’t count, that was a cheap shot – and that’s got to be worth at least something.

Read the Rest of it Here:

Roseanne’s blog

Since Angelina Jolie is the only woman in the history of time itself to have ever given birth, it’s only right that people want in.

Ever since Angelina’s twins Knox and Vivienne were born this weekend, they’ve had to battle for attention with all kinds of blithering nonentities determined to spout of about what they think of them. And that even includes Angelina Jolie’s dad, Jon Voight.

Even though he’s been estranged from Angelina Jolie for the best part of a decade, Jon Voight has still felt the need to rush off and tell the nearest media organisation how happy he is about the twins on the off-chance that Angelina will let him see them. Sounds heartbreaking, we know, but don’t be fooled – Jon Voight stars in the National Treasure movies, so it’s only natural that Angelina wants to keep the kids as far away from Nicolas Cage as possible.

Have you noticed how nobody just has a baby any more? It’s not like the old days where you could just thump out a baby, remain emotionally distant from it for 40 years and then die right before it turns into a hateful unloved sociopath.

No, now you have to announce the baby several months before it’s even born, sell pictures of the baby to magazines for millions of dollars once it is born – which, shudder, might even involve having to look at it – and then sit back while other people try and bumrush your moment of glory.

The latter is what happened to poor old Camila Alves – who strained and strained for her baby only for Matthew MConaughey to take all the credit for the birth – and it’s happening with Angelina Jolie as well.

You’ll remember on Saturday that Angelina Jolie managed to give birth to twins. That was momentous enough as it was, at least until the mayor of Nice decided that only he could make the birth official. And now Jon Voight’s wading in as well.

That’s fair enough, you might think – Jon Voight is Angelina Jolie’s father after all, and if a new baby’s grandfather can’t tell the world how happy he is, then he should be allowed to.

Or at least he would be, had Jon Voight not been estranged from Angelina Jolie ever since she broke up with Billy Bob Thornton and he said she was mentally ill in public. Because that does pretty much rule out the chances of him ever seeing them, to be fair.

But, hey ho, Jon Voight’s happy and that’s all that matters. ITN reports:

“All I can say is, just like any other father, you are very very excited – I mean, it’s the most exciting thing to have new souls coming in, you know. There isn’t anything more exciting than that, and that they are Angie’s babies and Brad’s.”

It’ll be interesting to see how this goes down in the Jolie camp. These public professions of love for his daughter and her kids tend not to do that well – as demonstrated by the faintly heartbreaking time he was reduced to wishing Maddox Jolie-Pitt happy birthday into a news camera at a red carpet event before accidentally referring to his sister Zahara as ‘Shakira’.

Still, who can blame Angelina Jolie for not wanting to give her father time with his grandchildren. She’s only just named one of them after her mother, for God’s sake, and if she patches things up with her dad then she’ll be obliged to call her next one Jon. Imagine the bullying a baby called Jon would get from all the other crazy-named celebrity tots. It doesn’t bear thinking about.

Sometimes you really have to ask what the hell is going on?

First, hit show 24 becomes ‘26’. Then it casts Jon Voight as a terrorist. The 69-year-old Oscar-winning actor was recently signed on to be Jack Bauer’s nemesis for the upcoming seventh series.

After the shambles of the sixth series, 24 have pulled out the chequebook in an attempt to win back falling viewing figures.

But don’t you think casting Angelina Jolie’s frail father as the super villain is going a little too far – even by 24’s ridiculous standards.

Now, we know they have used Hollywood A-listers before. But at least Dennis Hopper is a nutter. He is not the kind of guy you want to piss about with, while Jon Voight is the kind of kindly gentleman you buy sweets from at the local cornershop.

Just think about it: Jon Voight, a terrorist? Doesn’t quite fit, does it? I mean, what is Hollywood playing at?

They have spent years building up a handy photo-fit of what a terrorist looks like, just so we can point them out in the street – and then they pull a stunt like this.

They are just messing with our minds. Next they’ll be saying he’s American, doesn’t have an AK47 and doesn’t wear a turban.

Don’t get us wrong, we like Jon Voight. Like many boys and girls, we bawled our eyes out to the end of The Champ, even if the kid was really annoying in it.

But is he really a credible threat to Jack Bauer? What’s he going to do? Cough on him? Bore him to death talking about the 60s?

Anyway, Jon Voight will be introduced during 24’s two-hour Season 7 prequel alongside Robert Carlyle due to be aired in November 23.

He will also feature heavily in the latter part of the series, which is expected to start at the beginning of next year. Not really a shock, seeing though he is the bad guy.

Voight said:

“I am thrilled and excited about being invited to be part of my favourite show 24. I’m hoping to bring my very best to it.”

First of all, glad he’s bringing his best to it. There was us thinking he would just turn up to go through the motions.

Secondly, two-hour sequel!? Are we the only ones annoyed by this? The whole premise of 24 is that it’s set in 24 hours – not 26!!!

I know the sixth series was a bag of shit, but that is no reason to throw the whole format away.

The world truly is a scarier place these days.