Jon & Kate Plus 8. Not the name of a horrific-sounding midget-porn movie. It’s the reality show that everyone is talking about.

Alright, not everyone. We haven’t been talking about Jon & Kate Plus 8. But that’s because we’ve only figured out what it is. It’s a show about a couple plagued by the fact that the woman keeps machinegunning babies out of her vagina and one of them hit the milkman in the eye. Or something.

Anyway, long story short, both Jon and Kate might be shagging other people and they’re bad parents and will go to hell. Again, or something.

You know all this kerfuffle about Jordan and Peter Andre, and how you don’t know if they’re really splitting up or it’s just an act, and how you can’t be bothered to find out because wasting even a fraction of your brainpower on those bright orange clueless dicksplats would make you just as bad as them and you’d feel duty-bound to fling yourself under an industrial threshing machine as penance? You do? Good.

Because in America a similar saga is unfolding, and it too revolves around a couple who’ve inexplicably been given a reality show. Jon & Kate Plus 8 is a show based on two facts: 1) Jon and Kate Gosselin have eight children, and 2) the word ‘Kate’ rhymes with the word ‘eight’. One suspects that if Kate were ever to have another child, a shady network executive would urge her to put it in a binbag with a brick and drop it down a well. But this is just a horrifying tangent.

The reason why Jon & Kate Plus 8 is such a hot topic is because it might all be a sham. It’s been claimed that Jon has a string of mistresses, that Kate had an affair with her bodyguard and that Baby Number Six is actually a shaved Ewok with a catastrophic heroin addiction. Or something.

Anyway, all this media intrusion is wrecking Kate Gosselin’s personal life, as the reality show star told every magazine in the world to promote the new season of her reality show that’s about her personal life and nothing more. According to Seattle PI:

Kate Gosselin says being stalked by paparazzi is “hell,” and she feels the pain of celebrities who deal with it constantly. “It’s so scary. It’s like one of those movies where you have to change your identity and go underground. I’ve been saying, ‘Let’s find a country where our show doesn’t air, and let’s just go there until this all dies.’ I have to laugh about this, or else I’ll cry. It’s a matter of, when will they stop?”

What’s the point of all this? We think it’s ‘hey, don’t forget to watch the new season of Jon & Kate Plus 8 this coming Monday, only on TLC’. But it might also be ‘stick in there, because these kids are going to be trainwrecks when they grow up, and everybody likes a trainwreck’. Or it might be ‘why hasn’t anybody got anything better to do with their lives than obsess about any of this?’

If we could bring ourselves to care enough, we’d tell you. But, hey, we can’t.

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