Jon & Kate Plus 8. It’s the show that nobody knew existed until it was in some magazines and crap, and now everybody loves.

And thanks to the tedious allegations of infidelity that have been rocking the Gosselin family since, oh, let’s say the dawn of time, the first episode of the new Jon & Kate Plus 8 season has drawn in record viewers for its network TLC.

In total, 9.8 million rubberneckers tuned into Jon & Kate Plus 8. That’s 9.7 million higher than TLC’s record – an episode of Mystery Diagnosis about a woman who thought she was being followed around by a goat.

If there’s one thing we know, it’s that misery sells. It’s why people wouldn’t have gone to see The Dark Knight if it was called Mr Flopsy’s Enchanted Rainbow, it’s why people have suddenly remembered that Jordan and Peter Andre are still alive, and it’s why everybody tuned into the season premiere of Jon & Kate Plus 8 on Monday night.

You know the Jon & Kate Plus 8 story by now. It goes like this – boy meets girl, boy knocks girl up more times than is really necessary, boy and girl spend two years making interminable TV shows about their stupid family that nobody cares about, boy possibly sleeps with someone else, girl literally turns into a monster, everybody starts watching their show. It’s a good story, really. No, wait, did we say good? We meant awful. Our mistake.

But because everyone cares about Jon & Kate Plus 8 all of a sudden – partially because they’ve been on the front cover of every single magazine in America over the last month pulling a succession of more and more harrowing facial expressions, and partially because Kate Gosselin has yet to grasp the irony of complaining about media intrusion when you’re the star of a reality show – a total of 9.8 million people saw the first episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 season five on Monday, approximately double the amount who saw the season four finale.

And what happened in Jon & Kate Plus 8? Not a lot. Some kids had a birthday party and Kate looked a bit sad briefly. But that didn’t stop Jon and Kate Gosselin from releasing this statement directly after it finished:

“As many couples do, we are navigating a very difficult time. Our current situation brings us together around the children and some times sets us apart. We keep our faith that we will make the right decisions for our family.”

A joint statement full of bland words that barely mean anything? Oh no, this means that Jon and Kate might have put their trouble behind them! This is going to be terrible for the Jon & Kate Plus 8 ratings. Quick, kids, it’s time to break out that emergency misery procedure we discussed! Kid 2, start smoking! Kid 7, accidentally drown yourself in a pond! Kid 5, catch meningitis! The rest of you, self-harm! For the love of God, self-harm for everything you’re worth! We need these numbers!

But let’s say that Jon and Kate Gosselin do manage to move on from their relationship woes. It’s not the end of the world – we can always move on to one of TLC’s other reality shows about exceptionally large families, like Table For 12 or 18 Kids And Counting or I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant or I Literally Just Shat Out A Baby, Just Now, Right Out Of My Arse, And Oh God Here Comes Another One.

See? There are plenty of options.

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