Jon & Kate Plus 8 - HecklerSpray

Jon Gosselin Settles TLC Lawsuit, Will Hopefully Disappear Now

February 18th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

It was the lawsuit that had literally everyone gripped. The biggest lawsuit of all time. It was monumental.

Yes, the McDonalds hot coffee lawsuit was huge. In other news, Jon Gosselin and TLC have been trying to sue each other lately, probably because Jon Gosselin is a dumpy, balding, badly-dressed, money-hungry narcissist who has never done a single worthwhile thing in the entire duration of his life and TLC is responsible for some of the worst television ever created. Probably.

But at least it’s all over now. Jon Gosselin and TLC have announced that they’ve finally reached a settlement. Hopefully this news will allow Jon Gosselin and TLC to put all this nastiness behind them and get on with their lives. But only so long as ‘getting on with their lives’ is code for ‘going away forever’. Otherwise we’re not really that interested.

Some Moron Gives Kate Gosselin Her Own Show

January 15th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Now that she’s got divorced and Jon & Kate Plus 8 is no more, Kate Gosselin has the time to do what she loves best.

Raise her children. Wait, no, that’s not right – we mean shove herself in our faces. Or refuse to understand the concept of a dignified exit. Or consistently demonstrate a staggering lack of self-awareness. Either one of those will do.

You see, even though Jon & Kate Plus 8 turned her into one of the most disliked people on Earth, Kate Gosselin has refused to get the message, and has been given a new show where she’ll learn a variety of new jobs. We’re especially looking forward to the episode where she learns how to become a mother. That’ll be hilarious.

BIG NEWS! Kate Gosselin Gets (Another) New (Rubbish) Haircut!

January 7th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Stop what you’re doing. Stop what you’re doing right now and take a look around. This is incredibly important.

We’re not kidding around. One day, in several years to come, your grandchildren will turn to you and ask “What were you doing on the day that Kate Gosselin put in some hair extensions to mask the fact that her real hair looked like a cross between a bad Manga cartoon and the grubby, static-charged pubic merkin that Mickey Rourke kept in his pants during the production of The Wrestler and it somehow became newsworthy?”

And now you’ll know. Now you’ll be able to look down upon their adorable little faces and say “I was despairing for the future of humanity, kids. I was despairing for the future of humanity.”

And Now The Good News: Gosselins Almost Divorced, Too

December 18th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Do you wish the Tiger Woods divorce story had less money, glamour, points of interest and endearing characters?

Oh, what’s that? You do? Then do you also wish that the Tiger Woods divorce story had more bad clothes, hairplugs, ill-advised man-jewellery, demonstrably bad haircuts and children who will almost certainly grow up to be psychologically crippled destructive little monsters? You wish that too? Well then have we got some wonderful news for you.

Jon and Kate Gosselin are likely to have their divorce finalised this weekend, pending a judge’s solitary signature. You know what? This is going to be the best Christmas EVER.

Jon Gosselin’s Stupid Face Gets Banned From TV

December 11th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Have you noticed that everyone seems to have more of a joyous, carefree spring in their step today?

It’s all down to Jon Gosselin. Actually, that’s a lie. It’s all down to Montgomery County Circuit Judge Michael D. Mason – a man who, with no exaggeration whatsoever, has made our year. He’s hit Jon Gosselin with an injunction banning him from appearing in the media. And unless we’re wrong, this injunction lasts until April. We’ve got close to five blissful Gosselin-free months ahead of us. We’ve never been so happy.

Now, if only another judge would rule that Kate Gosselin had to be dropped into the middle of the desert with no food or water, we could die happy.

Jon Gosselin: Nope, Still Not Going Away

November 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Right. Look. We know that just a few days ago we said that we’d written our final story about Jon and Kate Gosselin.

Clearly that turned out to be a lie. But you’ve got to believe that we wanted it to be our final story about Jon and Kate Gosselin. Their divorce settlement was finalised, their show had been taken off air – everything about them seemed like it was all tied up. But still we’re back here again. So what went wrong?

We underestimated Jon Gosselin’s relentless capacity for stupidity, that’s what. A taped phone call has emerged. It’s allegedly between Jon Gosselin and Michael Lohan. Jon complains about paedophiles at one point. We know, alright? We’re upset as you are.

Jon & Kate Gosselin Still Exist, Apparently

November 23rd, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

We’re thrilled to announce that this might just be the last thing we ever write about Jon and Kate Gosselin.

The signs are certainly good. The last episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 is broadcast tonight. Jon and Kate Gosselin have thrashed out a surprisingly amicable divorce settlement. That’s it. Now both Jon and Kate can fade into the background and we’ll never hear from them again.

That is, unless one of Jon Gosselin’s sexual partners sells their story to the press, or Kate Gosselin’s relentless desire for attention culminates in her taking out strangers from a clock tower with a sniper rifle. Both of which are quite likely to happen. This isn’t the last we’ve heard of Jon and Kate Gosselin at all, is it? Bollocks.

Now Kate Gosselin Is Sorry For Everything As Well, Honest

November 3rd, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Aside from depressing the world silly, there’s nothing that Jon and Kate Gosselin like more than a good old competition.

Remember when Jon and Kate split up? They had a competition to see who was the biggest underdog. And then that somehow gave way to their competition to see who could come off as the most genuinely abhorrent. And now they’re having a competition to see who can be more sorry for their behaviour.

On Sunday Jon Gosselin told a Jewish Centre that he was sorry for everything, but Kate’s not taking that sitting down – she’s appeared on TV to tell the world that she’s so sorry for every single thing she’s ever done in her entire life that it sometimes makes her poo blood. Or something.

Jon Gosselin Admits That He’s A Galactic Mimsy

November 2nd, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Jon Gosselin has had an epiphany. And, no, epiphany isn’t the name of a new experimental hair-replacement procedure.

He’s had a real epiphany. Whisper it, but Jon Gosselin might have worked out what an unstoppable bellend he is. Yesterday at the Manhattan West Side Jewish Centre, Jon plucked up the courage to tell all and sundry that his ‘moral compass’ has been all out of whack.

And it seems genuine. Jon Gosselin seems truly sorry for everything he’s done. And we’re sure he’ll continue to explain exactly how sorry he is in his new book, TV show, range of ornamental ceramics and any other method he think of to stop him getting a real job.

Even Jon Gosselin’s Girlfriend Hates Jon Gosselin

October 30th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

This week Jon & Kate Plus 8 featured a You Ask, Kate Answers special. And it felt like a wasted opportunity.

You know what would have been better? You Ask, Jon Emotionally Abuses. It would have been awesome – after being presented with some viewer questions, Jon Gosselin would shriek for 25 minutes about what a victim he is and how it’s all your fault. And then he’d burst into tears and clumsily attempt to kiss the camera with tongues. It would have been AWESOME.

Because Jon Gosselin is quite good at emotional abuse, apparently. His own girlfriend said it. To a TV show. Why won’t any of this stop?