Jon Gosselin - HecklerSpray

The Gosselin Twins Just Lost Dinner Privileges For A Week

January 17th, 2014 By Megan Leitch

In the world of stage mom villains, Kate Gosselin is like Mother Goethal, locking her kids away and just using them for her own benefit.? In an effort to try and prove to the world that years of starring on reality television and having to look at their mom’s mullet all day did not permanently do damage to their psyche, Gosselin dragged twins Mady and Cary out for an interview.

Instead of coming off like a loving maternal figure, Kate just reminded everyone just how horrible and pushy she is.? Between her ex husband Jon starring in my current favorite train wreck, Couples Therapy, and now Kate showing up again to get her hair extension money, I am feeling eerily back in 2009.?? I just hope this doesn’t mean harem pants are going to try and reappear too. Blech.

Michael Lohan Gets Engaged, Puts Everyone Off Their Food

April 8th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

We’d like to sincerely apologise to Michael Lohan. In the past we’ve mocked him for discussing Lindsay Lohan’s personal life.

And we’re sorry. We’re truly sorry. Michael Lohan, if you’re reading this, we’d like you to keep revealing aspects of Lindsay Lohan’s personal life to the press, in as minuscule detail as you can possibly manage. Because now we’ve seen what the alternative is, and it’s several times worse.

The alternative to Michael Lohan talking about Lindsay Lohan’s personal life, you see, is Michael Lohan talking about his own personal life. Specifically, talking about how many times he gets to have sex with his new fiance every night. And – given that even thinking about Michael Lohan’s pink, jail-worn penis for even a second is enough to induce waves of feverish vomiting – we’d happily go back to hearing him bang on about how close to death Lindsay Lohan is at any given point in time. Happily.

Jon Gosselin Wants Custody Of His Dance-Abandoned Kids

April 7th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Great work, Kate Gosselin – your plan to appear on Dancing With The Stars and rehabilitate your image is going great guns.

Let’s have a recap. Kate Gosselin’s Dancing With The Stars partner hates her. The Dancing With The Stars judges hate her. The majority of the Dancing With The Stars viewers hate her. And Jon Gosselin… well obviously Jon Gosselin hates Kate Gosselin, but now he hates her enough to sue her for full custody of their children.

According to Jon Gosselin, by appearing on Dancing With The Stars Kate Gosselin has made herself an absentee parent and can’t care for the kids as well as he could – even though he’s now a professional layabout who lives in a two-bedroom apartment. Maybe they can reach a compromise and give custody of the children to a better-equipped third-party, like a rabid bear or the Stanley Tucci character from The Lovely Bones or something.

Jon Gosselin Settles TLC Lawsuit, Will Hopefully Disappear Now

February 18th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

It was the lawsuit that had literally everyone gripped. The biggest lawsuit of all time. It was monumental.

Yes, the McDonalds hot coffee lawsuit was huge. In other news, Jon Gosselin and TLC have been trying to sue each other lately, probably because Jon Gosselin is a dumpy, balding, badly-dressed, money-hungry narcissist who has never done a single worthwhile thing in the entire duration of his life and TLC is responsible for some of the worst television ever created. Probably.

But at least it’s all over now. Jon Gosselin and TLC have announced that they’ve finally reached a settlement. Hopefully this news will allow Jon Gosselin and TLC to put all this nastiness behind them and get on with their lives. But only so long as ‘getting on with their lives’ is code for ‘going away forever’. Otherwise we’re not really that interested.

BIG NEWS! Kate Gosselin Gets (Another) New (Rubbish) Haircut!

January 7th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Stop what you’re doing. Stop what you’re doing right now and take a look around. This is incredibly important.

We’re not kidding around. One day, in several years to come, your grandchildren will turn to you and ask “What were you doing on the day that Kate Gosselin put in some hair extensions to mask the fact that her real hair looked like a cross between a bad Manga cartoon and the grubby, static-charged pubic merkin that Mickey Rourke kept in his pants during the production of The Wrestler and it somehow became newsworthy?”

And now you’ll know. Now you’ll be able to look down upon their adorable little faces and say “I was despairing for the future of humanity, kids. I was despairing for the future of humanity.”

And Now The Good News: Gosselins Almost Divorced, Too

December 18th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Do you wish the Tiger Woods divorce story had less money, glamour, points of interest and endearing characters?

Oh, what’s that? You do? Then do you also wish that the Tiger Woods divorce story had more bad clothes, hairplugs, ill-advised man-jewellery, demonstrably bad haircuts and children who will almost certainly grow up to be psychologically crippled destructive little monsters? You wish that too? Well then have we got some wonderful news for you.

Jon and Kate Gosselin are likely to have their divorce finalised this weekend, pending a judge’s solitary signature. You know what? This is going to be the best Christmas EVER.

Jon Gosselin’s Stupid Face Gets Banned From TV

December 11th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Have you noticed that everyone seems to have more of a joyous, carefree spring in their step today?

It’s all down to Jon Gosselin. Actually, that’s a lie. It’s all down to Montgomery County Circuit Judge Michael D. Mason – a man who, with no exaggeration whatsoever, has made our year. He’s hit Jon Gosselin with an injunction banning him from appearing in the media. And unless we’re wrong, this injunction lasts until April. We’ve got close to five blissful Gosselin-free months ahead of us. We’ve never been so happy.

Now, if only another judge would rule that Kate Gosselin had to be dropped into the middle of the desert with no food or water, we could die happy.

Jon Gosselin: Nope, Still Not Going Away

November 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Right. Look. We know that just a few days ago we said that we’d written our final story about Jon and Kate Gosselin.

Clearly that turned out to be a lie. But you’ve got to believe that we wanted it to be our final story about Jon and Kate Gosselin. Their divorce settlement was finalised, their show had been taken off air – everything about them seemed like it was all tied up. But still we’re back here again. So what went wrong?

We underestimated Jon Gosselin’s relentless capacity for stupidity, that’s what. A taped phone call has emerged. It’s allegedly between Jon Gosselin and Michael Lohan. Jon complains about paedophiles at one point. We know, alright? We’re upset as you are.

Jon & Kate Gosselin Still Exist, Apparently

November 23rd, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

We’re thrilled to announce that this might just be the last thing we ever write about Jon and Kate Gosselin.

The signs are certainly good. The last episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 is broadcast tonight. Jon and Kate Gosselin have thrashed out a surprisingly amicable divorce settlement. That’s it. Now both Jon and Kate can fade into the background and we’ll never hear from them again.

That is, unless one of Jon Gosselin’s sexual partners sells their story to the press, or Kate Gosselin’s relentless desire for attention culminates in her taking out strangers from a clock tower with a sniper rifle. Both of which are quite likely to happen. This isn’t the last we’ve heard of Jon and Kate Gosselin at all, is it? Bollocks.

Now Kate Gosselin Is Sorry For Everything As Well, Honest

November 3rd, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Aside from depressing the world silly, there’s nothing that Jon and Kate Gosselin like more than a good old competition.

Remember when Jon and Kate split up? They had a competition to see who was the biggest underdog. And then that somehow gave way to their competition to see who could come off as the most genuinely abhorrent. And now they’re having a competition to see who can be more sorry for their behaviour.

On Sunday Jon Gosselin told a Jewish Centre that he was sorry for everything, but Kate’s not taking that sitting down – she’s appeared on TV to tell the world that she’s so sorry for every single thing she’s ever done in her entire life that it sometimes makes her poo blood. Or something.