We’d like to sincerely apologise to Michael Lohan. In the past we’ve mocked him for discussing Lindsay Lohan’s personal life.
And we’re sorry. We’re truly sorry. Michael Lohan, if you’re reading this, we’d like you to keep revealing aspects of Lindsay Lohan’s personal life to the press, in as minuscule detail as you can possibly manage. Because now we’ve seen what the alternative is, and it’s several times worse.
The alternative to Michael Lohan talking about Lindsay Lohan’s personal life, you see, is Michael Lohan talking about his own personal life. Specifically, talking about how many times he gets to have sex with his new fiance every night. And – given that even thinking about Michael Lohan’s pink, jail-worn penis for even a second is enough to induce waves of feverish vomiting – we’d happily go back to hearing him bang on about how close to death Lindsay Lohan is at any given point in time. Happily.
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Great work, Kate Gosselin – your plan to appear on Dancing With The Stars and rehabilitate your image is going great guns.
Let’s have a recap. Kate Gosselin’s Dancing With The Stars partner hates her. The Dancing With The Stars judges hate her. The majority of the Dancing With The Stars viewers hate her. And Jon Gosselin… well obviously Jon Gosselin hates Kate Gosselin, but now he hates her enough to sue her for full custody of their children.
According to Jon Gosselin, by appearing on Dancing With The Stars Kate Gosselin has made herself an absentee parent and can’t care for the kids as well as he could – even though he’s now a professional layabout who lives in a two-bedroom apartment. Maybe they can reach a compromise and give custody of the children to a better-equipped third-party, like a rabid bear or the Stanley Tucci character from The Lovely Bones or something.
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It was the lawsuit that had literally everyone gripped. The biggest lawsuit of all time. It was monumental.
Yes, the McDonalds hot coffee lawsuit was huge. In other news, Jon Gosselin and TLC have been trying to sue each other lately, probably because Jon Gosselin is a dumpy, balding, badly-dressed, money-hungry narcissist who has never done a single worthwhile thing in the entire duration of his life and TLC is responsible for some of the worst television ever created. Probably.
But at least it’s all over now. Jon Gosselin and TLC have announced that they’ve finally reached a settlement. Hopefully this news will allow Jon Gosselin and TLC to put all this nastiness behind them and get on with their lives. But only so long as ‘getting on with their lives’ is code for ‘going away forever’. Otherwise we’re not really that interested.
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Stop what you’re doing. Stop what you’re doing right now and take a look around. This is incredibly important.
We’re not kidding around. One day, in several years to come, your grandchildren will turn to you and ask “What were you doing on the day that Kate Gosselin put in some hair extensions to mask the fact that her real hair looked like a cross between a bad Manga cartoon and the grubby, static-charged pubic merkin that Mickey Rourke kept in his pants during the production of The Wrestler and it somehow became newsworthy?”
And now you’ll know. Now you’ll be able to look down upon their adorable little faces and say “I was despairing for the future of humanity, kids. I was despairing for the future of humanity.”
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Do you wish the Tiger Woods divorce story had less money, glamour, points of interest and endearing characters?
Oh, what’s that? You do? Then do you also wish that the Tiger Woods divorce story had more bad clothes, hairplugs, ill-advised man-jewellery, demonstrably bad haircuts and children who will almost certainly grow up to be psychologically crippled destructive little monsters? You wish that too? Well then have we got some wonderful news for you.
Jon and Kate Gosselin are likely to have their divorce finalised this weekend, pending a judge’s solitary signature. You know what? This is going to be the best Christmas EVER.
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Have you noticed that everyone seems to have more of a joyous, carefree spring in their step today?
It’s all down to Jon Gosselin. Actually, that’s a lie. It’s all down to Montgomery County Circuit Judge Michael D. Mason – a man who, with no exaggeration whatsoever, has made our year. He’s hit Jon Gosselin with an injunction banning him from appearing in the media. And unless we’re wrong, this injunction lasts until April. We’ve got close to five blissful Gosselin-free months ahead of us. We’ve never been so happy.
Now, if only another judge would rule that Kate Gosselin had to be dropped into the middle of the desert with no food or water, we could die happy.
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Right. Look. We know that just a few days ago we said that we’d written our final story about Jon and Kate Gosselin.
Clearly that turned out to be a lie. But you’ve got to believe that we wanted it to be our final story about Jon and Kate Gosselin. Their divorce settlement was finalised, their show had been taken off air – everything about them seemed like it was all tied up. But still we’re back here again. So what went wrong?
We underestimated Jon Gosselin’s relentless capacity for stupidity, that’s what. A taped phone call has emerged. It’s allegedly between Jon Gosselin and Michael Lohan. Jon complains about paedophiles at one point. We know, alright? We’re upset as you are.
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We’re thrilled to announce that this might just be the last thing we ever write about Jon and Kate Gosselin.
The signs are certainly good. The last episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 is broadcast tonight. Jon and Kate Gosselin have thrashed out a surprisingly amicable divorce settlement. That’s it. Now both Jon and Kate can fade into the background and we’ll never hear from them again.
That is, unless one of Jon Gosselin’s sexual partners sells their story to the press, or Kate Gosselin’s relentless desire for attention culminates in her taking out strangers from a clock tower with a sniper rifle. Both of which are quite likely to happen. This isn’t the last we’ve heard of Jon and Kate Gosselin at all, is it? Bollocks.
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We’d like to sincerely apologise to Michael Lohan. In the past we’ve mocked him for discussing Lindsay Lohan’s personal life.
