Great work, Kate Gosselin – your plan to appear on Dancing With The Stars and rehabilitate your image is going great guns.
Let’s have a recap. Kate Gosselin’s Dancing With The Stars partner hates her. The Dancing With The Stars judges hate her. The majority of the Dancing With The Stars viewers hate her. And Jon Gosselin… well obviously Jon Gosselin hates Kate Gosselin, but now he hates her enough to sue her for full custody of their children.
According to Jon Gosselin, by appearing on Dancing With The Stars Kate Gosselin has made herself an absentee parent and can’t care for the kids as well as he could – even though he’s now a professional layabout who lives in a two-bedroom apartment. Maybe they can reach a compromise and give custody of the children to a better-equipped third-party, like a rabid bear or the Stanley Tucci character from The Lovely Bones or something.
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Do you wish the Tiger Woods divorce story had less money, glamour, points of interest and endearing characters?
Oh, what’s that? You do? Then do you also wish that the Tiger Woods divorce story had more bad clothes, hairplugs, ill-advised man-jewellery, demonstrably bad haircuts and children who will almost certainly grow up to be psychologically crippled destructive little monsters? You wish that too? Well then have we got some wonderful news for you.
Jon and Kate Gosselin are likely to have their divorce finalised this weekend, pending a judge’s solitary signature. You know what? This is going to be the best Christmas EVER.
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We’re thrilled to announce that this might just be the last thing we ever write about Jon and Kate Gosselin.
The signs are certainly good. The last episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 is broadcast tonight. Jon and Kate Gosselin have thrashed out a surprisingly amicable divorce settlement. That’s it. Now both Jon and Kate can fade into the background and we’ll never hear from them again.
That is, unless one of Jon Gosselin’s sexual partners sells their story to the press, or Kate Gosselin’s relentless desire for attention culminates in her taking out strangers from a clock tower with a sniper rifle. Both of which are quite likely to happen. This isn’t the last we’ve heard of Jon and Kate Gosselin at all, is it? Bollocks.
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Gosselin birthdays are fun. True, there’s just as much shrieking anguish as there is every other day.
But sometimes they get to wear funny hats. Yesterday marked the ninth birthdays of Gosselin twins Mady and Cara, and so Jon and Kate Gosselin decided to give them the greatest gift of all. No, not a promise to stop making Jon & Kate Plus 8. No, not a course of hypnotherapy to help them regain the childhood that their parents snatched from them. Jon and Kate gave the twins an afternoon of no fighting.
And a birthday cake that couldn’t spell their names right. Obviously.
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Remember when Jon & Kate Plus 8 was fun? No, of course you don’t – it’s only either been tedious or depressing.
And now it’s both. But somehow even more so. But still, at least the personal lives of Jon and Kate Gosselin are hilariously tragic, so that’s something. Both Jon and Kate have been whining to the media over the last few days – Kate because she’s lonely and Jon because he hates Jon & Kate Plus 8. It’s sad.
No, wait, not sad – what’s the word for when you want to start cutting yourself because someone won’t shut up? Anyway, it’s that.
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Despite all the headlines it’s been generating, people always forget one thing about Jon & Kate Plus 8.
It’s boring. Really boring. Have you ever tried to sit through an entire episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8? No? Well don’t. It’s rubbish. Ooh, some kids are baking some cakes. Ooh, some kids are going to the zoo. The only people who could truly enjoy Jon & Kate Plus 8 are heavily sedated pederasts, and even they wouldn’t love it.
TLC could spice up the show by making Jon Gosselin‘s alleged mistress a central character. But TLC says it won’t. TLC is rubbish.
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Jon & Kate Plus 8 is heartbreaking, isn’t it? Truly heartbreaking. Their divorce announcement just came out of the blue.
Well, alright, not quite out of the blue – thanks to every single magazine in the world banging on about all the affairs that Jon and Kate Gosselin have allegedly been having all the time, you don’t have to be a genius to see that their marriage has been in trouble for a few weeks now.
Well, alright, not quite a few weeks – according to divorce papers, Jon and Kate Gosselin have been separated for two entire years. Oh, divorce is hilarious.
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Oh boy, we didn’t see this coming. Remember when Jon and Kate Gosselin said they were making an announcement? Well, they’ve made it.
In our office Jon & Kate Plus 8 sweepstake, we put money on the announcement being about a new recipe for gooseberry jam. But no – in a move that literally nobody on Earth could have possibly seen coming, Jon and Kate Gosselin have stunningly revealed that they’re to split.
That’s split as in divorce, by the way, not split as in split open their kids’ skulls with a hammer if they answer back. Although that’s probably feasible too.
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