Johnny Robinson - HecklerSpray

X Factor Review Week 12: Review Disco Bullous Impetigo

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

Have a nice time at the fireworks, did you? Ate a potato and wrote the F word with a sparkler, did we? Well ? that's quite enough satire for one day, guys. It's a double elimination on the X Factor, and in a few weeks we're going to have a professional musician on our hands, so best we save all that horseplay for the weekends, don't you think?

This weekend, we had a DOUBLE Elimination. No-one was safe apart from the four X Factor contestants who haven't contracted mildly unpleasant yeast infections yet.

And of course, Kelly Rowland was back and not ill anymore. Unlike last week, where she was really ill, in bed with illness, caused by ILL. Thank god she made it through.

The X Factor Week 10 Review: A Million Rocks Songs Later And Here I Am

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

So, what IS rock music? Well guys, “rock” was a musical movement invented by Simon Cowell in the mid-2000s. A genre that was ostensibly about dancing but was in fact a thinly-veiled allusion to sex culminating from 50s blues riffs and a 4/4 beat utilizing a verse chorus form.

To further delve into this cultural phenomenon, please refer to minutes 1.26 to 1.36 of the following?video.

It's hard to pinpoint exactly when ?rock music? properly settled in Western culture specifically, but hecklerspray?s investigations have come up with a couple of answers. It could be argued for instance, that the first fleeting moments of the genre came to a head all the way back in 2002, ?with??Sam from Barnsley?s‘ original interpretation of local Wigan barbershop quartet Bon Jovi’s classic love song ?Always? on Pop Idol 2. You may have been confused by it's unique rawr rawr guitarry kind of noises, risqu? use of ?real emotion?, and omitting the g?s on the end of words that usually have g?s at the time. You may still be. So remember all of that, because that may be important later.

X Factor Week 9 Review: You Can’t Hurry Love-Themed 2 Hour X Factor Programmes

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

Hey guys. The X Factor?s still on. But that's totally cool because the 100 Year War ran over a couple of decades too, and that was just as important, so not to worry. Those House of the Plantagenet dudes probably had issues connecting their own personal stresses in life to Lighthouse Family lyrics too. Oh, life.

But as Virginia Woolf once said, ?When Frankie Cocozza had those girl?s names cauterized into his sigmoid colon, he was probably just a bit tipsy.?

The theme for this week was of course LOVE AND HARMONY. So, in celebration of that, we're going to get off our ivory towers, and ride our high horses back down to Planet Earth and be nice about The X Factor for a change. Because All You Need is Love, as The Beatles once said, which is true. But they also said ?We all live in a yellow submarine?, which isn't technically accurate, and that ?Happiness is a warm gun?, when in fact ? quite hilariously ? happiness is actually an abstract concept brought on by endogenous opioid peptides that adopt temporary feelings of exhilaration! Haha! God, those guys and their heroin, eh?

X Factor Week 8 Review: American Weird Stuff in London

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

Before we begin, we just want to say one thing. we're sorry. ?No, listen. WE’RE sorry. Remember how you watched The X Factor for 2 and a half hours on Saturday? Well we're going to tell you about that in quite an unnecessary amount of detail now.

And what's more, you're going to like it. Yeah, in a sexually testing sort of way. Yep. Yeah, you're going to feel vulnerable and alone afterwards. No, we don't do cuddles, that's how people get attached. You kind of knew what you got yourself into when you turned on ITV1 on the 20th?of August 2011.

Or when you then subsequently googled ?Kelly Rowland’, followed by ‘The point of anything in the universe at all? with mild curiosity. So, in a way – you deserve what is about to happen to you.

X Factor Week 7 Review, Part 2, 120 Days of Sodom

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

Right, you lot ? no messing about. We know that we all like to have a bit of ?fun? every now and then on here, and have a bit of a harmless chuckle at the expense of these poor hard-working musicians, but Sunday?s episode of the X Factor was the most emotionally draining and traumatic piece of television we've ever seen, and now we feel all vulnerable and weird, so let's just get on with it shall we?

Because we don't want to talk about it.

Yes, this is the penultimate show before we hit the lives next week where we find out who’s going to be putting the hip in rohypnol in the fight for that incredibly?irrelevant?record contract, and who is not.

X Factor Week 7, Part 1 – The One With All The Postmodernism At The Judges Houses

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

Good weekend, was it? Had some enjoyable sandwich fillings and simulated some erogenous zones, did you? Yeah. Yeah. Us neither.

Never mind, because The X Factor was on too, and if that wasn?t amazing enough it was a 2 hour special Judges Houses special as part of a special exclusive double X Factor weekend special. Which is pretty, amazingly special when you think about it.

But, that's the X Factor for you. Always fulfilling our dreams, always making Pinnochio look lacklustre. So what was in store? As if you didn't know. As if you didn't Sky Plus it at your X Factor party with custom made flags. Actually, that sounds like a pretty wild night, you probably do need reminding. All those Pringle cans to clean up and all that psychological torment. We?ll sort you out. Come here. It'll stop bleeding eventually, we promise.

X Factor Week 6 Review, Part 1: BOOT CAMP! THIS MEANS EVERYTHING TO US!

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

God, it's been an exciting week, hasn't it? All that meth and all those Curly Wurlys you've been eating. Your excitement has literally burnt through your eyes so you can fully necessitate new levels of awesome and amazingness and degenerative myopia.

Now to top it all off, it's Boot Camp on the X Factor. It’s like all those wars and murders and hurricanes never really happened, when you think about it.

And hey! All that pesky retrograde amnesia we all happen to suffer from can be such a bother sometimes, can’t it? Thank the stars for ITV1, that they cater to our whims and remind us about what happened on every single X Factor episode (except for anything that could prove the continued existence of Kate Thornton) at the start of every new show. It's just ever so helpful, because nothing really solves a problem like Maria brain trauma like an X Factor double bill as we always say.

X Factor Review, Episode 2: The One Where They All Did The Singing Again

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

And here we are again. You all look so incredibly tired.

So before we begin, let's really think to ourselves ? what do we really WANT from episode 2 of The X Factor 2011? Because so far, nobody has really got what they want, have they? Nobody really voluntarily asks for Kelly Rowland, for example. Nobody really wants Gary Barlow to be angry to them before 9pm.

Hopefully this week, things will change for the better. We would like to see integrity. We would like to see a jazz singer sing an ironic version of She Wolf. We would like to see at least three testicles. But most importantly, we would like X Factor to bring us a window of entertainment that preceeds an ENTIRE EVENING with Will Young, preferably singing low-key versions of his amazing selection of pop hits, preferably in a tuxedo. Hey. What can we say? We dare to dream.