For the last decade, music-lovers up and down the country have been looking at their CD collections and smiled delightedly that they don’t contain any CDs by populist indie band “Razorlight”.

Johnny Borrell’s boys have been flying off on a tangental point of mainstream popularity for the last few years but have finally announced their comeback with a brand new line-up and- apparently- a blind stylist into the bargain.

One of the most important things for a mainstream rock band looking to take their music in a new direction is to make sure that they release a good press shot that really makes a statement of intent for the upcoming tour/album/book/accompanying chat-show tour.

On the strength of that reasoning this press shot would suggest that Razorlight’s next LP will be a concept album based on the theme of a pornographic Spaghetti Western.

With heroin.

Borrell, famous for not being a very good singer/songwriter, has managed to drive away three of the band’s line-up over the last two years with Andy Burrows (the band’s original drummer) leaving to join the significantly less irritating ‘We Are Scientists’ leaving acclaimed egotist Borrell to find an entirely new line-up for the band.

Luckily, the muskateer brother of Hollywood actor Josh Hartnett, along with withered clones of Johnny Depp and Radiohead’s Thom Yorke were available to join the group after being released from the laboratory.

Gaunt git Borrell is said to be itching to get new material out to the people and showcase a new direction for the band. hecklerspray can exclusively reveal that the band will be covering Ennio Morricone’s “The Good, The Bad & The Ugly” on glockenspiels and will end with Borrell audibly ejaculating into the microphone. Exciting times for the music-buying public and the NME who will likely hail this uncomfortable moment as the turning point in modern rock music.

For the rest of us there may be no escape from Razorlight’s return to the airwaves and the only option that sane music-lovers may have is to flock to the nearest beach and bury our heads in it until the whole thing blows over.

As we speak hecklerspray overlord Mof Gimmers is importing 17 tons of sand into the ‘spray bedsit for our own personal use.

Money well spent.

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If it’s not soaring petrol costs, immigrants stealing all the crap jobs that no-one wants or obesity, then there’s always one story on TV – bloody global warming and our apparently massive carbon footprint.

While the USA, China, India and other big fuck off countries do nothing to force their citizens into any vague ecological action, it’s the UK that suffers. Rubbish pop stars and crap celebrities rally round to try and make us believe they give a shit and shake off any twatty image they may have.

How do they do this? That’s right, by song. Which is why indie twig Johnny Borrell is going to environmentally gig it up with a band made up of MPs. Maybe they’ll cover the cost by putting it on their expenses.

What’s this? Could Johnny Borrell really be sacking everyone in Razorlight to join a rock band made of politicians? If it’s true, angry speak from fans like IloVEu4EvErJoHNe on the Razorlight fan forum will go along the lines of “omg I hope you’re not replacing the band with these dad rockerz. Wot ave u done?”

But wait -  before outraged Razorlight fans rally everyone round to start a huge fire and probably emit more carbon gases, we are sadly informed to tell you that Razorlight is intact. This is all just some awful malformed charity gig.

Yup, Johnny Borrell wants to play some happy clappy tunes with the people who brainwash us into thinking that sausages give us cancer and that we’re all single handily breaking the planet. You know the planet – the thing that’s been around for a few billion years and ain’t split in half just yet.

In order to raise some money for climate change and definitely not to use as money for down the pub, Johnny Borrell has enlisted some powerful friends to help him out. As the NME reports:

“The five politicians, including Lembit Opik, will perform a rendition of John Denver‘s ‘Leaving On A Jet Plane’ in the museum’s Aviation Room to highlight the campaign’s main point. As well as Opik, the band of cross-party MPs dubbing themselves The Aviators features the SNP‘s Peter Wishart, Conservative Anne Milton and Labour‘s Emily Thornberry and Ian Cawsey.”

Yeah, that’ll stop global warming – an indie twat and five nondescript politicians singing a John Denver song in a museum. Take that, slowing Atlantic thermoelastic circulation! Seriously, who are these people? No, really, we don’t know who any of them are.

We aren’t too familiar with politicians. Maybe if they printed up some MP stickers we’d be a bit more familiar with them. Honestly, it would be like a grown-up version of football stickers. We’re sure The Financial Times could give away a pack everyday and you could spend your precious lunch hour swapping Gordon Brown for that elusive Alistair Darling shiny.

Lembit Opik is the only person we know from Borrell’s all-star line up. And that’s only because he has a name that sounds like something that would be served with a curry. And also because he’s married to a Cheeky Girl. Or as she calls him, “a ticket to a UK passport.”

Read more:

Razorlight’s Johnny Borrell to perform with Lembit Opik – NME

Good news, people: the world’s second biggest twat, otherwise known as Jonathan Edward Borrell, is to be murdered.

OK, OK, yeahyeahyeah, it’s only going to happen in a movie, but sometimes life imitates art, right? Right? Right. We can but hope. Our fingers remain firmly crossed.

Borrell is to star in the new film by Antonia Bird and Irvine Welsh, named The Meat Trade, and will be killed by two grave robbers, played by Robert Carlyle and Colin Firth. Jonathan Edward told the Daily Star:

"It's going to be so much fun. I love horror and I'm a really big fan of Irvine Welsh's work. I loved Trainspotting."

Oh, it’s horror! There should be lots of blood then. Let’s hope Antonia and Irvine get twat number one, Bono, involved. And Keane. And The Feeling. Oh, please The Feeling. And why not stab Luke Pritchard of The Kooks in the mouth with a rusty screwdriver while you’re at it? Why not?

The film is about two body snatchers snatching bodies in Edinburgh and should be released sometime next year. Hecklerspray waits with baited breath. But how will Borrell die, Irvine?

Hecklerspray likes to think Carlyle and Firth will recruit sometime actor Bob Dylan to do this excellent deed. On the release of his band’s debut, Up All Night, Borrell spouted some awful shit out of his mouth-arsehole which decided it was better than Dylan’s first album proper. Get your own back, Bob. But do it for real like Brandon Lee. Come on. Be a sport.

Or, if Bob can’t be reached for some reason, why not contact Morrissey? Borrell did “feel sorry” for Moz when he somehow didn’t manage to draw as big a crowd at V Festival a few years back. People really are stupid.

You are now officially 87% stupider if you voluntarily listen to Johnny Borrell’s arsehole gibberings with feelings of enjoyment. Really. They’ve done tests and everything. We don’t know who “they” are but we’re sure these tests have been done. Kind of.

Too harsh? Not harsh enough we say.

Release Mark Chapman already.

Read more:

Johnny Borrell To Be Murdered In New Movie – AngryApe 

Emma Watson, who plays Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter films, might be romantically involved with Johnny Borrell from Razorlight.

OK, that was too much too soon. Wipe away the tea, vomit or blood that the above line caused you to splutter all over your monitor and we'll start again.

Emma Watson might be doing it with Johnny Borrell.

What? You spluttered fluid all over your computer again? Fine, wipe it off and then we'll go into greater detail.

Emma Watson, the girl who plays  prissy young Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies, once famously complained that no boys liked her. And that still holds true today. No boys do like Emma Watson – but awful skinny cricket-loving leotard-wearing rah-rah mockney turdholes from shit bands who have unaccountably high opinions of themselves bloody well can't get enough of her.

That's right – it looks frighteningly like Johnny Borrell is after Emma Watson.

According to reports, 17-year-old Emma Watson and 27-year-old Johnny Borrell ran into each other at a Vanity Fair party in London and 'immediately hit it off' before bumbling around London going to various other parties with each other in the same cab. 

Christ alone knows what Emma Watson and Johnny Borrell hit it off about – we're guessing it wasn't a mutual appreciation of each other's work, for the simple fact that Johnny Borrell is in Razorlight and they're about as easy to love as  exploding haemorrhoids.

Anyway, This Is London reports on Emma and Johnny's night of fun:

As Harry Potter's sidekick Hermione Granger, she has little problem defending herself from the most wily of wizards. But actress Emma Watson appeared to fall under the spell of hell-raising rock singer Johnny Borrell when she met him at a London fashion party. The 17-year-old schoolgirl, in flesh-coloured halter neck dress and killer heels, was soon chatting with the star of the group Razorlight… A fellow guest said: "Emma had gone over to speak to Pixie Geldof, who was chatting to Johnny at the time – and Emma and Johnny immediately hit it off. "It was clear they had loads to talk about – even if they don't look like they have much in common."

Fortunately, however, Emma Watson parted ways with Johnny Borrell at the end of the night, so at least we can all breathe a sigh of relief that he didn't put his pee-pee anywhere near her yet.

But, despite this, it's still right to be concerned by these events. Although Emma Watson is now old enough to witness her co-stars' mentally ill penises, it's nothing compared to Johnny Borrell's history with girls. Look at Johnny Borrell and Kirsten Dunst, for example – after they split up she wound up in rehab. Possibly a rehab for people who can't stop scratching at their skin and screaming "I can't believe I ever let him touch me!" but that's just speculation.

Is that what we want to happen to Emma Watson? No, of course not. We want her to follow the tried and true female child-star rule book – which invariably means she will end up in rehab, but only after she's made three successively unpopular mainstream movies and a string of direct to DVD erotic thrillers and before she ends up hosting an early-morning cable children's TV show about a happy pig. We can't let Borrell muddle with the formula.

Anyway, can you see a pattern emerging here – first Johnny Borrell goes out with Kirsten Dunst, an actor who hates acting; and then he sets his sights on Emma Watson, an actor who hates acting. It's perfectly clear that Johnny Borrell has a set type here, and if we were Hugh Grant we'd be bricking it.

Read more:

What would Harry say? 'Hermione' hits the town with bad boy rocker Johnny Borrell – This Is London