It’s obvious that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie pick their childrens’ names via a complex system of shuffled Scrabble tiles, darts and fevered Glossolalia.

Although it has plus sides – like the way that it gives Brad and Angelina a bit more of the attention that they so obviously crave – giving their children a variety of stupid names was always going to come back and kick Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie up the bum. And now it has.

You see, Brad Pitt says that Shiloh Nouvel – the oldest biological Jolie-Pitt – has decided that Shiloh is a stupid name for a child. So now she’ll only answer to the name John. We can only pray that this trend ends now – while John is still a funny name because of the gender issue, all it’ll take is for Pax Thien to decide he wants to be called Alan and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will be laughed out of the Hollywood elite.

You’d think that, having been married to one crazed self-publicist and then fathering the children of another, Brad Pitt would be a little better at promoting movies. But recent events have shown he has so much to learn.

Where Angelina Jolie markets movies by arming her children ahead of what we can only assume to be a biological vs adopted West Side Story-style offspring gangfight, and Jennifer Aniston markets movies by tearing open old wounds and forcing everyone to stare at them, Brad Pitt’s lagging a little bit.

While we can’t say we blame him – if we were asked to try and make Troy attractive to people we’d probably end up throwing ourselves under a train – at least Brad Pitt is slowly starting to make a bit of an effort. He might not share the same talent for controversy-stoking as any of the women in his life, but when pushed he can at least fall back on the old adorable kid angle when needed.

Or, to be more accurate, the old gender-confused, ashamed-of-their-own-name kid angle, which is what he did on Oprah recently to help promote The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button. As Fox reports, Brad Pitt’s two-year-old daughter Shiloh will only respond to the name ‘John’:

“She only wants to be called John. John or Peter. So it’s a Peter Pan thing,” Pitt says. “So we’ve got to call her John. ‘Shi, do you want …’ – ‘John. I’m John.’ And then I’ll say, ‘John, would you like some orange juice?’ And she goes, ‘No!’ So, you know, it’s just that kind of stuff that’s cute to parents, and it’s probably really obnoxious to other people.”

Now we know that seems like a disarmingly sweet tale for Brad Pitt to tell about his child but, trust us, it has a much darker subtext. What Brad Pitt is effectively saying is that because Shiloh Nouvel deliberately chose to rebel against the ridiculous name that he and Angelina Jolie carefully picked out for her, he’s going to punish her by appearing on a big TV show and mocking her for wanting to be a man, in a clip that will no doubt be endlessly replayed throughout Shiloh Nouvel’s adolescence, much to her horror.

The message to the other Jolie-Pitt kids is clear – you do not mess with your chosen names ever. Zahara, if you ever decide you’d rather be called Louise then Brad Pitt will go on as many TV shows as he can to tell the world about the time he caught you trying to push Lego up your bottom. And Maddox, you’d better make sure your name stays the same, because Angelina Jolie doesn’t want to go on Larry King to reveal your hobby of tucking your penis between your legs and singing a song about being a pretty princess. She doesn’t want to, but she will.

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Jennifer Aniston is a girl after our own heart – she knows that the only way to keep a man is to get pregnant and guilt them into commitment.

Allegedly. Allegedly Jennifer Aniston has something growing in her stomach, and for once it’s not the burning desire to be the centre of attention or a little voice going “Feeeed meee! I’m so hungryyy!” Allegedly, you see, Jennifer Aniston is pregnant with John Mayer‘s baby. Oh, and they’re getting married as well. Allegedly.

If this is true, we can’t help feeling that this is a mistake. If Jennifer Aniston wants to get her revenge on Angelina Jolie so much, then she shouldn’t be getting pregnant from a pasty white American like John Mayer – she should be getting pregnant from a Cambodian. And an Ethiopian. And a bloke from Vietnam. And probably a couple of Indians and a some Chinese men. All at once. On the internet. It’s the only way.

We’re eternal optimists here, which is why we refuse to believe that Jennifer Aniston is unlucky in love. We prefer to think of her as really lucky at living her increasingly desperate-seeming life out on the cover of magazines regardless of how emotionally needy it makes her look as a person. See? That’s much better.

But now, after fruitless relationships with Brad Pitt and Vince Vaughn and that man who looked a bit like Brad Pitt if you got drunk, held a piece of gauze over your eyes, squinted and tilted your head to a very precise angle, it looks like Jennifer Aniston has found lasting happiness with John Mayer – a man she went out with briefly, then got dumped by, then sort of got back together with and has now possibly got pregnant by. If that’s not a recipe for lasting happiness, we just don’t know what is.

No, seriously. Things have apparently got so serious between Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer that Mayer has allegedly knocked Aniston up. And, what’s more, Jennifer Aniston is supposed to have proposed to John Mayer as well. You hear that noise? That’s the sound of planet Earth sliding into hell. According to Showbiz Spy:

Jennifer Aniston has proposed to John Mayer, according to tabloid reports. The pair recently rekindled their relationship after finding out Aniston was pregnant. And now, a source tells Star, “John sent Jennifer a series of romantic emails – but she said she would only take him back if they got married, and he agreed. “They both know this is it. She wants to settle down, and finally, so does he.

Personally we’re not going to believe a sniff of this until we see actual, lasting physical proof. We’re not going to believe that Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are getting married until their wedding photos have been ruthlessly sold to as many tabloid magazines as they can possibly manage. And we’re certainly not going to believe that Jennifer Aniston is pregnant until we see a baby.

And even then we’re not going to fully believe that the baby was fathered by John Mayer. Not until we have total unquestionable proof that the baby is half Aniston and half Mayer. That’s right, we want it to have a big pointy chin, stupid girly hair and a singing voice that makes us want to kick our own mouths off. Sure, it’ll probably set the progress of humanity back a generation or two, but at least we’ll know.

Okay, so maybe we’re just reacting to Paris Hilton’s new advert as many of our readers react to the sarcasm on these pages – by taking things at face value.

But it would appear that Paris Hilton is indeed running for the presidency of the United States of America. In a video statement released to political hardline site Funny or Die, Hilton responded to the recent campaign ad from John McCain and the Republican party with her own brand of politics.

In the original ad, Paris was likened to Democratic Senator Barack Obama – popular, but ultimately vacuous and easily forgotten (or maybe it was the other way round). It would seem that young miss Hilton didn’t take too kindly to these words and has launched something of a war on the Republican Party, vowing to bring them down if it’s the last thing she does.

Okay, so maybe we’re going a bit overboard – even told a couple of porkie pies. She isn’t trying to bring down the Republican Party. She isn’t actually running for presidency. And Funny or Die isn’t technically a political hardline site.

But she has been involved in a video response, so it’s not all bad news laced with lies.

The video, produced as a direct response to the Republican campaign advert, stars young Paris – and she’s hardly even naked at all, meaning we live in some bizarre world where she can manage to make something that both isn’t a sex tape and is funny. No, instead of committing lewd acts then releasing the video footage for profit, the Simple Life star simply lazes on a sun lounger and puts forth her views on today’s US politics.

Of course, her words come across as if they were completely, totally and utterly written by no one but Paris Hilton herself. No help involved here. No sireee, not with this mastermind at the helm. Definitely. We’d be willing to bet on that.

Alright, so we’re back to lying again.

Nevertheless, the video is quite funny and Paris doesn’t make herself into a complete tit throughout. Frankly, this is nothing short of a genuine miracle, when you take into account the above-mentioned fact that this isn’t even a sex tape. Paris’ credentials for the presidency aren’t that bad either – she is the perfect wife after all and she’s a genius, though she may run some of her voters over if she isn’t careful.

In all honesty though, we at hecklerspray are still waiting for the Britney Spears response to hit the web. Who knows – maybe a career in politics is just the kind of low-stress job Miss Spears needs, as soon as she’s free to roam again? And the combination of high profile work and actual responsibility could put her in good stead to get her kids back from that prat Kevin Federline. Hey – it’s just a thought.

Or maybe it’ll just get ignored and the whole event will be taken exactly as it’s ‘supposed’ to, with people watching, laughing and forgetting. Bah. Watch the video below:

Chelsea and England football captain John Terry has been caught red-handed parking in a disabled bay.

According to The Sun, John Terry (Grandma Hecklerspray always said to never trust man with two first names) parked his Bentley (Grandma Hecklerspray always said that people who drove Bentley's were nob-heads) illegally outside Pizza Express in Esher, Surrey, for about two whole hours.

So while he and his 'holier-than-disabled' family perused the menu, a cavalcade of disabled drivers drove endlessly around and around the streets of Esher desperately looking for a place to park, crying tears of disabled despair.

One of these drivers, Mungo, 32, from Bexhill-on-Sea, was so enraged that he choked to death on his own foam. Mungo was later found resurrected and fictitious.

When Terry finished his meal he no doubt had a poo, before returning to find a £60 fine left under the wiper-blade of his car by one of Britain's heroic traffic wardens. He didn't even have the common decency to feign a limp or an epi on the way.

According to reports, Terry dropped his trousers and pants, placed his penis into the palm of his hand and pissed £60 pound into it. He then wheel-span away with the most evil laugh he could muster and flipped the bird at a nearby Scope.

You see, Terry makes a reported £135,000 a week. That's £135,000-a-week. The man is a walking advert for the moral decline inevitable in a capitalist society. Stalin would never had let this happen, that's all we're saying.

Last night an aide said Terry was sorry and pledged never to do it again. Tell it to Mungo, Terry. Tell it to Mungo's grieving family.

Read more: Footie Ace Parks In Disabled Bay – The Sun

Tonight’s the last night of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack, so it’s bound to be a sad moment for the 12 remaining people who actually watch the sodding thing.

But who’ll win the prize of £50,000 and a lifetime of only being recognised as Wotsit Off Big Brother? Emilia, Nathan, John, Anthony, Jeremy and Amy all remain in the house, and one of them has to win, even though it’d probably be fairer on humanity if they let a massive robot into the house and let it trample them all to death instead. But who’ll win?

Here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Emilia, John, Anthony and Amy, with help from Paddy Power…

Emilia – Even though the odds said Latoya was bound to go, we were still a little surprised when Emilia didn’t get evicted from the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house on Wednesday night, purely because of what an infuriating little twit she is.

She has a boyfriend, but she complains about him. She has a brother, but she complains about him. She has a romantic interest in Jeremy, but all she does is bicker with him. There’s no doubt in our mind that Emilia is in the shortlist for Worst Girlfriend Ever because of this attitude.

Or at least she would be if she couldn’t put her arse on her head. Still, that’s not enough to let her win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack. Is it? Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 10/1

John – We’ve been backwards and forwards with John since Big Brother Celebrity Hijack began – we thought he should win because the stuff he did with Matt Lucas was quite funny, then we thought he should lose because he’s such an oversensitive, condescending pissbag.

Then we thought he should win again because the only reason that he’s so oversensitive and condescending is because the others are dicks to him. So now we’re not sure. And by the time we go to bed tonight we won’t care. And that time can’t come soon enough. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 5/1

Anthony - We’re so convinced that Anthony will win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack that we’ve already written tomorrow’s ‘Anthony Wins Big Brother’ article. We’re so convinced that Anthony will win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack that we’ve printed up a bunch of ‘Anthony Is A Knockout’ T-shirts that we’ll be selling out the boot of our car first thing tomorrow morning.

We’re so convinced that Anthony will win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack that we’ve registered as many websites with his name in them as we could think of and used them to host disgusting porn. We’re so convinced that Anthony will win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack that we’re not even going to watch the Big Brother final tonight. So it’s a pisser that Anthony’s probably not going to win, then. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 5/2

Amy – In a fair and just world, Amy should probably win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack. She’s got strength of mind by the bucketload, she’s able to use reason and sense to talk the other housemates out of flipping out and she’s been remarkably quick to see through all of Big Brother’s dimwitted machinations when the others haven’t.

And now, after weeks of being second-favourite, it looks like Amy’s going to win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack tonight. And since all the teenage girls voting for the show will want Anthony to win, this is quite the achievement. Especially as Amy looks more and more like Dave Gorman with each passing day. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 11/8

Tomorrow: We haven’t got a titting clue, to be honest. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Last night the time came to dispose of yet another Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemate – and it was poor old Latoya who bit the dust.

But forget that silly old tramp, because Big Brother Celebrity Hijack is almost over and the house is still over-run with self-satisfied twerps. So that’s why the housemates all nominated again, right after Latoya left, into each others’ faces. And everyone is up for Big Brother Celebrity Hijack eviction apart from Anthony and John. And two are going tomorrow. If you want those betting odds you can have them tomorrow.

So meanwhile here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds to win – for John, Amy and Anthony – with help from Paddy Power…

John – Make no mistake, John’s only in the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds top three because of the opening night shenanigans where he won a free pass to the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack finals. If that hadn’t have happened, John would be floating around the middle at best because, lordy, is John ever a mardy twit. It doesn’t take much to send John into a spiral of self-pitying naval-gazing (and a naval that size takes a lot of gazing) or, worse, a high-minded lecture full of such overserious advice that we’re surprised that nobody’s smacked him in the mouth for being a condescending git yet. Right now there’s honestly no way that we can see John winning Big Brother Celebrity Hijack. No way at all. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 6/1

Amy – Amy’s come out of nowhere to become Anthony’s only real challenger for the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack crown. She’s probably the most intelligent of the housemates, but not to such an extent that you want to cause her physical harm. Just about all the boys in the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house have a tiny crush on Amy, but she’s so steadfastly loyal to her boyfriend that she doesn’t appear to be ready to do anything about it. And she withstood a military interrogation without being all vegetablised like Jack Bauer‘s girlfriend from the last series of 24. Whadda gal! If her top lip didn’t hook up in such an offputting way, Amy would almost be perfect. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 3/1

Anthony – Anthony is the scientific opposite of Amy, mind you, and he’s so far ahead of the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack pack that he could probably stomp on a kitten and still come out the winner. And we think we have a theory why this is – where all the other housemates’ talent seems to rely on their brains one way or another, Anthony’s only talent relies on punching other men until they fall over. And because Anthony can’t demonstrate this talent in the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house – although we wish he had while Victor was still a housemate – he’s become the lovely everyman counterpoint to everything else. Or something. Look, all you need to know is that Anthony is going to win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack and there’s nothing you can do about it. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 4/6

Tomorrow: God knows, something or other. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Big Brother Celebrity Hijack has just lined up another four schmucks for eviction – Victor, Jeremy, Emilia and Liam.

Come Friday, one of those poor kids will be out of the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house. But who? Bendy girl? Her idiot brother? The monotone racing driver? Liam? Liam, obviously, but we’ll come to that tomorrow.

But who’ll win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? Here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Nathan, John and Anthony, with help from Paddy Power…

Nathan – Well that’s us told; we’ve been reliably informed that Nathan doesn’t say “bup bup bup” when he’s excited – it’s actually “brap brap brap.” We take it all back – obviously “bup bup bup” would just be ridiculous. Anyway, Nathan’s positioning himself as an early Big Brother Celebrity Hijack favourite with his friendly manner and his stillborn romance with Latoya and flirtation with Amy and stuff, but he’s going to need to be careful if he wants to maintain his position. This is because Nathan is slightly bitter that his American strand of R&B has been decimated by grime in recent years and he’s been forced to go on a tawdry reality TV show to boost his profile. And the more he gripes, the more he starts to sound like Les McQueen from The League Of Gentlemen. And that can’t be a good thing, surely. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 7/2

John – Well, who’d have thought it? Ginger, massively overweight Scottish boy John is a tiny bit sensitive. When Paul Garner from The 11 O’Clock Show burst into the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house on Russell Brand‘s orders last week, poor John seemed to think that whole thing was an elaborate set-up to make him look like a fool and sulked for about three days solid. Now, it’s true that John can coast a little because he’s through to the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack final, but actively trying to alienate the viewers by acting like a toddler with a broken rattle won’t help his cause any. And nor will singing Smooth Operator by Sade because he did that to the other day and christ was it terrible. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 10/3

Anthony – Already it’s looking like Anthony will be the clear winner of this year’s Big Brother Celebrity Hijack, because he’s got something for everyone. The girls love him because he’s a handsome chap, the boys root for him because he punches people for a living (something that all men would secretly like to do), the old folks love him because he’s always very polite to the celebrity hijackers and the kids love him because the side of his head looks like one of those maze games you get in children’s activity books. Plus the government intelligent forces love him because he’s really shit at being interrogated. Honestly, compared to, say, Liam, how could Anthony not win? Having said that, Fred West would probably the favourite compared to Liam. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 2/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother Celebrity Hijack eviction betting odds. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Tensions are rising in the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house as Jade, Victor and Jeremy all face eviction oblivious to the fact that hardly anyone on the outside world is watching.

We’ll have the eviction betting odds tomorrow, but let’s not forget what’s going on inside the Big Brother house right now. After the double body-blow of that bloke from The 11 O’Clock Show titting about in their garden and John McCririck spending all of yesterday bellowing nonsense at them, it’s a wonder that they all haven’t keeled over in a big messy puddle yet.

Who’ll win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? Here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Nathan, Anthony and John, with help from Paddy Power…

Anthony – There’s a vast difference between how Anthony presents himself to the world and what he’s actually like. On his entrance into the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house, we knew that a) Anthony was a boxer and b) he had a funny little maze shaved into the side of his head. But in reality Anthony seems fairly down-to-earth, nicely self-deprecating and partially aware that he’s going to be trapped in a house for a month with a bag of bell-ends. Still, it’s early days, and there’s still time for Anthony to wig out, kill Victor by punching him and consign himself to history as Brutal Big Brother Murderer Anthony, so we’ll withhold judgement for now. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 4/1

Nathan – Nathan, of course, has a huge advantage over his Big Brother Celebrity Hijack competitors because, by getting nominated for a MOBO, he’s the only one that anybody’s actually heard of. In fact, when Nathan had to show off his skills recently, many of the other housemates actually sang along to the song he was singing, something that didn’t happen to, say, Calista‘s bimbly nonsense about fannies. Plus, Nathan likes to express happiness by firing an imaginary gun into the air and shouting “Bup bup bup bup bup!” which is the most heartwarming endorsement of gun crime we think we’ve ever seen. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 7/2

John – Now, although these betting odds currently have John as the favourite to win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack, we aren’t so certain. Without a doubt John was the biggest star of the opening night – as Matt Lucas was ordering him through an earpiece to claim that he wrote The Sound Of Music and could Irish dance much to his obvious horror – but that might go against him. Although he’s sure to get to the final, that could well be where John falls down. All the earpiece nonsense means that it’ll be harder for him to push his real personality onto the other housemates and the viewers and, since he’s a politician, there’s every chance that his real personality is a little bit knobbish. Current Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds – 5/2

Tomorrow: Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Jade, Jeremy and Victor. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.