Namely – like the jumped-up little Veruca Salts we are – we pointed out that listening to John Sergeant try and musically channel the spirit of Christmas for three minutes would be about as festive as carbon monoxide poisoning. But we were wrong.

We know this because regular hecklerspray reader Kenton Hall co-wrote the bloody thing, and he helpfully informed us that John Sergeant only faintly appears in the chorus. So, thankfully, does Adrian Chiles. In fact, the bulk of the singing on Let’s Not Fight This Christmas is done by Chris Difford out of Squeeze.

So, by way of an apology to Kenton, and partly out of sheer relief that we won’t have to hear a Christmas song performed by a man who looks like Santa’s gout-ridden cousin, not only are giving you the video to Let’s Not Fight This Christmas to watch, but also some links to where you can buy the song from iTunes and Amazon and HMV.

If that’s not enough to convince you, know that the song’s been released to raise money for Children In Need. And if that’s still not enough, know that YouTube user simpsondudes has called it “the best sond i hav heard in ages, lol”. Enough said, really.

And, now that the big hoo-hah about his resignation from Strictly Come Dancing has finally died down, the world of slightly tawdry opportunities has been opened to him. John Sergeant can now do whatever he likes – he can release a lazily-ghostwritten autobiography about his time on Strictly Come Dancing, he can take Kerry Katona’s place as the face of Iceland, he can even bring out his own perfume if he likes. But only if he decides to call it Gout by John Sergeant. That’s a dealbreaker.

But, no, John Sergeant is far too classy to try anything so shallo… what? John Sergeant isn’t too classy for any of that? In fact John Sergeant has such an inherent lack of class that he’s bringing out a Christmas single? And it’s a duet with Adrian Chiles from The One Show? Here’s a challenge – you’ve got all day to think of a worse idea than that. You won’t be able to.

As everyone knows, the traditional figurehead of Christmas is a jolly old fat bloke who can just about manage a single day’s worth of strenuous activity a year before needing to take several months off afterwards to recuperate. Everyone loves him, even though he looks like he’s enjoyed so much free booze and food in his life that he could keel over clutching his chest any minute.

But enough about John Sergeant, Christmas is also about Santa Claus, too.

John Sergeant’s talent for dancing like a hobbled pensioner trying to discharge himself from hospital without anyone noticing meant that he quickly became the people’s champion on Strictly Come Dancing. Or at least he was before he decided that he didn’t like lady Scousers with faces like sunken bread dough being nasty to him and resigned from the show in a flounce a couple of weeks ago.

But that happened a couple of weeks ago – a lifetime in reality TV shows. Now the people’s champion is Martina Navratilova or that bloke from Dollar or any number of the utterly interchangeable WAGs on I’m Not A Celebrity But I Still Expect You To Care About Me, and that leaves John Sergeant in something of a pickle.

With all the public goodwill towards him evaporating at a devastating rate, John Sergeant knows that he has to make a bold move to stem the tide; an all or nothing roll of the dice that will either consolidate his fame for years to come or see him wheeled out to the dustbin like a pile of broken-veined rubbish. So that’s what he’s done. And, as the News Of The World reports, the result literally doesn’t make any sense at all:

Strictly hero John Sergeant has swapped Cha Cha Cha for La La La – and recorded a SONG in a bid to be the Christmas No1. We can reveal that the flat-footed political journalist has teamed up with Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley of The One Show to make the charity single. An insider said: “John is such hot property right now and The One Show is delighted to have him involved. As for whether his singing is better than his dancing, the great British public will ultimately decide that.”

Oh, brilliant – a Christmas single. A Christmas single performed by the dreary-voiced man who used to be on the news and the dreary-voiced man who does the pointless show that comes after The Apprentice that reminds everyone exactly what happened on the episode of The Apprentice that they were just watching. Singing a song that reminds people about human suffering. Sounds like a winner to us.

Actually that’s slightly unfair of us – we haven’t heard this Adrian Chiles/ John Sergeant Christmas song yet, so for all we know it might be brilliant. To be fair, the primary reason we haven’t heard this Adrian Chiles/ John Sergeant Christmas song yet is because it almost certainly won’t be brilliant and we’ll end up wanting to hang ourselves by the start of the second verse, but still. Christmas, eh?

Read more:

Top Of The Chops – News Of The World

9 - X Factor winner to sing a song you used to like – Holy Moly

8 - Texas Chainsaw Massacre in 30 seconds. With rabbits - I Am Bored

7 - 10 reasons why George Lucas has a stupid face, or something – Retardzone

6 - The last word on John Sergeant. Hopefully - LonelyIsland

5 - What is literally the last thing you’d want to hear Jordan talking about? - Popsugar

4 - Someone’s making a Serge Gainsbourg biopic. It’s going to be called Serge, and Beyonce is going to play the lead. Ahem – AVClub

3 - Want to make applesauce? OK! – Instructables

2 - Cloned woolly mammoths. This is what killed Crichton, you know – Environmentalgraffiti

1 - Ace Ventura Jr: the movie you never expected. Or wanted. Or asked for. Or ever thought would be anything other than a lousy idea. Coming soon. Or out now. Basically it exists – Best Week Ever

Although yesterday John’s resignation may have felt like a punch to the stomach for everyone who enjoys looking at Bruce Forsyth’s anguished face, we need to face the facts. In the cold light of day, all that’s happened is a fat man has left a TV show about dancing. That’s all. Besides, ironic voters shouldn’t be too upset – there’s still Jodie Kidd.

Anyway, this is a sort of vaguely obituary-themed set of Strictly Come Dancing betting odds, for John Sergeant and Tom Chambers, who nobody really cares about today…

John Sergeant – Even though he left Strictly Come Dancing, there’s no doubting the intelligence that he showed on Saturday’s show. Over the last few weeks, John managed to lower public expectation of him to the extent that if he actually managed to string two or three steps together in the right order, he’d look like a bloody genius. And, during Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing American Smooth to True Love Ways, that’s exactly what he did. It was a return to the old charming, lovely, slightly touching John Sergeant of the first Strictly Come Dancing, and that seemed to confuse everyone. Not least the Strictly Come Dancing judges, who could only blurt out “For the first time tonight, John, I really got what other people see in you. It was quite endearing,” in something approximating astonishment. But let’s not mourn John Sergeant too much. He was shit, wasn’t he? Strictly Come Dancing score – 25

Tom Chambers – Tom Chambers has his sights set so firmly on the Strictly Come Dancing prize that he’s become that most despised of characters – the efficient professional. Take Saturday’s dance, for example – Tom danced the Salsa to Pa Goza Con Fruko and so, in training, got some Salsa experts in to teach him. The training worked and the performance was fast and intricate and convincing and, even though he tried to liven things up with an arse-slap or two and a shimmy that made him look a bit like one of Harry Enfield’s scousers, ultimately it was a nice, good, brutally neat performance. The Strictly Come Dancing judges thought it was good, too, but not enough to make them say anything particularly memorable, and he went safely through to next week’s show. Feh. Strictly Come Dancing score – 35

Next week: More Strictly Come Dancing recaps. Woo.

And that’s because he’s old, fat, sweats a lot and when he dances he looks like a man who’s been dipped him in chip fat, plonked on an ice rink and had bullets fired at his shins. But regardless of that, John Sergeant had secured the public Strictly Come Dancing vote, much to the dismay of the judges and his fellow dancers.

But now John Sergeant has decided to fall on his sword. Not literally – although if you did give John Sergeant a sword and tell him to perform a dance with it he’d probably fall on it by accident and end up squirting pints of his guts into Tess Daly’s eye. What we mean is that John Sergeant has chosen to resign from Strictly Come Dancing.

We’re not completely sure why, but reality shows have gone a bit berserk this year. First there was Big Brother, which was won by a girl so overwhelmingly devoid of charisma that her own mother now tends to greet her by saying “Oh, I know you. You’re, oh…” and clicking her fingers for 15 full minutes until she incorrectly guesses that maybe she was on Hollyoaks once. And now there’s X Factor and Strictly Come Dancing.

X Factor’s elimination of Laura White last week prompted thousands of complaints from idiots who will have completely forgotten that Laura ever existed by the time she finally gets round to releasing her first badly-selling record sometime next year. And on Strictly Come Dancing there’s dear old John Sergeant.

Part news reporter and part shop-damaged Moomin doll, John Sergeant never quite got the hang of Strictly Come Dancing – his routines were jumbled and his performances were bewilderingly bad – and yet the British public kept voting John through regardless. There are main three theories as to why this happened:

1 - John Sergeant’s inherent charm couldn’t help but win the viewers over.

2 - The viewers wanted to deliberately upset the Strictly Come Dancing judges.

3 - John Sergeant’s Strictly Come Dancing partner has got quite big tits.

In retrospect, it was probably the third one. Initially John Sergeant encouraged the public’s decision to keep him in Strictly Come Dancing above more proficient dancers, but as the weeks wore on John faced a growing backlash – first from the judges and then from his fellow contestants, who all knew that a Strictly Come Dancing victory was all that was standing between them and a career comeback in the form of an ITV2 reality series about funny milkmen or something.

And today it all got too much for John Sergeant to take, so he resigned from Strictly Come Dancing with this statement:

“I am sorry to say I have decided to leave Strictly Come Dancing. It was always my intention to have fun on the show and I was hoping to stay in as long as possible. The trouble is that there is now a real danger that I might win the competition. Even for me that would be a joke too far. I would like to thank Kristina and all those viewers who have been rooting for me through the series.”

John will return to Strictly Come Dancing this Saturday for a special farewell dance, but then he’ll be gone forever, at which point Strictly Come Dancing will become a shameless showcase for Lisa Snowdon’s Blue Steel facial expression and little more.

Nobody know what’ll happen to Strictly Come Dancing now that John Sergeant’s gone – some viewers will feel alienated because the dancer they chose to support was pressured to resign and stop watching, while others will be dismayed at the serious turn that an otherwise frilly Saturday teatime show was decided to adopt. Maybe it’s even ruined Strictly Come Dancing’s credibility for good. Who knows?

But the important thing is that we cherish all the fond memories that John Sergeant gave to us during Strictly Come Dancing, like that time he dawdled backwards and forwards on the dancefloor, or the other time he dawdled backwards and forwards on the dancefloor. Or the time separate from the other two times where he dawdled backwards and forwards on the dancefloor. Or… no, actually that’s it.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

You know, we’ve been thinking. Why doesn’t a respected man like John Sergeant admit that enough’s enough and his continued progress through Strictly Come Dancing is hurting more talented dancers? And now we know – it’s only Strictly Come Dancing that’s stopping him being a full-time Dave employee. No wonder he looks so desperate.

Anyway, here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Rachel Stevens…

Rachel Stevens - Despite being near the top of the Strictly Come Dancing leaderboard, Rachel Stevens was put into the dance-off last week – something that made her cry just about every molecule of moisture out of her body about – and that guaranteed two things for Saturday’s Rumba to You Do Something To Me. Firstly, it meant that Rachel was going to pull out all the stops to avoid it happening again, and that meant that she’d dress in the tightest, skimpiest scrap of cloth she could find and wriggle around like a itchy-minged stripper in heat who feeds off male erections. Secondly it meant that the Strictly Come Dancing judges would go slightly overboard in their praise for her to make sure she didn’t get put into the dance-off again this week. Since they told her that “If you’re in the bottom two tonight, I will dance naked. I thought it was fabulous,” and then gave her the highest score of Strictly Come Dancing this year, we’ll assume that happened. Fingers crossed that the others don’t start following her formula – the last thing we want to see is John Sergeant in a spangly unitard doing pelvic thrusts in Bruce Forsyth’s direction. Strictly Come Dancing score – 39

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for John Sergeant and Tom Chambers.

Cherie was voted out of Strictly Come Dancing because her Cha Cha Cha to Play That Funky Music was a little bit hit and miss – for the first time in ages Cherie got her legs, and therefore her knickers, out in the dance, but it was let down by the way she just lurched from one pedestrian pose to another without anything in between. And in yesterday’s dance-off, the Strictly Come Dancing judges told her that they wanted to “see little bit more Wild Cherry coming out”. We’re pleased she didn’t oblige, because we’re pretty sure they meant her clitoris.

But now that Cherie Lunghi is no longer a part of Strictly Come Dancing, who’s going to win? Here’s part one of our Strictly Come Dancing recap for the week, for Jodie Kidd and Lisa Snowdon…

Jodie Kidd – Now that Strictly Come Dancing has shed most of its chaff, Jodie Kidd has never looked so precarious. That’s mainly because she’s started referring to herself in the third person – not as ‘Jodie’ but as ‘Jodes’. Honestly, animal torture would have probably endeared her to the public more than that. But as for her Strictly Come Dancing routine, Jodie Kidd performed a Quicktime to Big Bad Voodoo Daddy on Saturday. Since Jodie is so tall, the potential for massive audience-maiming limbflail was gigantic – but somehow Jodie Kidd pulled it off. The dance was fast and dynamic and fluid – even though she was wearing a dress so long you couldn’t really tell how quick her steps actually were – and the Strictly Come Dancing judges fell in love with her all over again, describing the dance as “Bright and light, like skipping across hot coals.” However, next week Jodie will probably have to perform a Latin dance, and then she’ll probably just thwack about like a baby deer on an ice rink until she gets sent home. Strictly Come Dancing score – 33

Lisa Snowdon – After riding so high in the Strictly Come Dancing rankings over the last few week, Lisa Snowdon had to slip up at some point, and that point came on Saturday. Lisa’s Strictly Come Dancing performance was a Samba to Rock The Boat, and she wasn’t getting it during training. Cue Lisa’s sisters barging into the studio covered in balloons and feathers, which was a mistake. We know that the Samba is supposed to be a party dance, but not necessarily a hen night party that ends in vomiting and a fistfight in a Wetherspoons car park, which is how the Snowdon sisters apparently interpreted it. And this bled through to Lisa Snowdon’s performance on Saturday, which just wasn’t particularly convincing. “There’s a tension inside of you, and you didn’t go with the flow,” the Strictly Come Dancing judges told her, and we can see their point. Lisa Snowdon undoubtedly lost marks because she couldn’t clomp around like a dead-eyed cyborg in the Samba, and that’s possibly what she’s best at. Strictly Come Dancing score – 30

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Christine Bleakley and Austin Healey…

And that means, in all honesty, it’s probably the final time we’ll get to write about John Sergeant as a properly-functioning contestant on Strictly Come Dancing. As the judges proved last week, they’re willing to get as nasty as possible if it gets him out, and it looks like they might be swaying public opinion, too. You don’t want them to win, do you? At least one of them has a face like a wet verruca. Vote John.

And, funnily enough, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for John Sergeant and Lisa Snowdon…

John Sergeant – John Sergeant must have been anticipating this week for ages – infuriated that he’s still a part of Strictly Come Dancing despite being almost completely awful, the Strictly Come Dancing judges laid into him with almost everything they had. “That dance had nothing to say and neither do I,” “It was terrible,” “Your dancing stinks!” and “Disaster” were among the comments he received. At one point, even John Sergeant’s own Strictly Come Dancing partner laid into him for his lack of ability, which is probably unheard of. But we have to commend John Sergeant’s ingenuity – to save him from just doing the exact same dance that he’s been doing since day one again, John decided to spend about a minute of his Cha Cha Cha to Twist And Shout sitting down and having a telephone conversation with his own hand. That’s a level of genius that just scares the hell out of us. Strictly Come Dancing score – 12

Lisa Snowdon – Remember earlier in the week we told you how happy we were that Austin Healey finally had an off night? Well, we wish we could say the same thing about Lisa Snowdon. In recent week’s she’s become so overwhelmingly obsessed with winning Strictly Come Dancing that it’s been impossible to mock her for anything, and that hold true for Saturday’s Viennese Waltz to Bed Of Roses. It was good, the Strictly Come Dancing judges thought it was good – telling her “from week one you are the most improved dancer of this series” – and the viewers obviously thought it was good as well. Honestly, sometimes we wish that Lisa Snowdon wasn’t such a hard-faced humourless Terminator, because then we might actually have something to say about her. Strictly Come Dancing score – 36

Next week: Yes. This again.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

But first, let’s take another look at how close Len Goodman is getting to his full-scale nervous breakdown. This week, we’ve noticed that it doesn’t matter how much he slags off the dancers, he never gives them a score below six. Our bet is that at some point soon, the two warring sides of Len’s personality will break loose of each other, causing him to open a spooky hotel and kill everyone. We’ve seen Psycho. We know how it works.

Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Cherie Lunghi, John Sergeant and Tom Chambers…

Cherie Lunghi – After she nearly toppled over during her dance last week, Cherie Lunghi had it all to play for on Saturday with her Salsa to Oye Mi Canto. However, the Salsa is a young person’s dance and Cherie Lunghi is nothing like a young person. So Cherie built the routine from the ground up using some impeccable logic. The Salsa is a sexy dance. And cats are sexy animals. So to tap into the Salsa, Cherie Lunghi had to dance like a cat. And what do cats do? That’s right, they cough up hairballs. Which explains why, for the most part of her routine, Cherie Lunghi seemed to be doing some very theatrical dry-heaves. Apart from all the mock-vomiting, though, Cherie gave all the symptoms of a woman past her prime – the dancing was wet, insipid and hesitant, prompting the Strictly Come Dancing judges to say “it was exasperatingly underpowered – it wasn’t sexy or sassy or naughty, all things I’m sure you can be.” So expect Cherie to up the old HRT for next week, then. Strictly Come Dancing score – 26

John Sergeant – As dumpy and hopeless as he might be, John Sergeant is emerging as something of a public hero – something demonstrated on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing by the brief montage of taxi drivers all bellowing things like “John Sergeant? Ee’s faaacking bwillyent!” It’s just as well that people like him because, as a dancer, John Sergeant is terrible. His Foxtrot to I Want To Be Loved By You was the exact same dance as he’s been doing since the start of the competition, and the Strictly Come Dancing judges told him “it’s the old fox running out of tricks. She [Kristina] covers for you so well!” And speaking of Kristina – it’s OK, we get it, you think you look like Marilyn Monroe. So, you know, dancing to a Marilyn Monroe song seems a bit like overkill. What are you going to do next week? Have it off with a Kennedy and then kill yourself? Strictly Come Dancing score – 20

Tom Chambers – He might have been away with fairies last week following his wedding, but for Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing Paso Doble to I Just Died In Your Arms, Tom Chambers had to knuckle down to business. He certainly seemed like a married man during the performance – he was throwing himself into work to avoid going home and it doesn’t look like he can be bothered to shave any more – but that appeared to work for him. Aside from the fight he started within the Strictly Come Dancing judges by waggling a cape around – it was either brilliant or “like putting the cover on a duvet” depending on who you asked, the routine was surprisingly good. It was dramatic, dynamic and – best of all – Tom and his partner have inherited Don Warrington’s mantle of Strictly Come Dancing’s barmy-faced weirdos. During the dance, Tom looked pulled a face like a French waiter serving a tramp and his partner channelled the spirit of a shark trying to eat a ghost perfectly. More like this please. Strictly Come Dancing score – 34

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Christine Bleakley and Rachel Stevens.

Not as exciting as this Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, because this week each of the celebrities will be doing a different dance. Lisa Snowdon’s going to do a Tango, Christine Bleakley’s going to do an American Smooth and rumour has it that Andrew Castle’s going to do an epileptic fit. Seriously, watch it on Saturday and you’ll see.

But now, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for John Sergeant, Rachel Stevens and Jodie Kidd…

John Sergeant – He might look like a big cuddly clump of mashed potato, but on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing John Sergeant had to perform a Paso Doble to the Rodrigo Guitar Concerto, so he had to drop the niceness and become a furious hardass for the evening. He fell a little sort of that target and ended up looking more either a) a little boy who’d just been told he couldn’t have any more pudding or b) a horse being attacked by some flies. The dance itself was a little odd – it had all the fiery drama you’d expect from a 64-year-old man who’s spent most of his life talking to politicians about the minutia of trade policies – but he did manage the impossible at the end, when he picked up his partner by her ankles and wrists and swung her around off the ground. The Strictly Come Dancing judges had to say something nice about, right? Well, um… “After all that marching Sergeant, you should be demoted to a private”. Let’s take that as a no. Strictly Come Dancing score – 21

Rachel Stevens - An apology. Last week we suggested that Rachel Stevens wasn’t very clever, but we take that all back. On Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, despite all her sulky boohoos in training, Rachel seemed to suddenly learn that for a girl to get a good score at a ballroom dance, all she needs to do is sigh a lot and look a bit vulnerable. Because, in her Viennese Waltz to Everybody Hurts, that’s exactly what she did. Rachel tucked her head into her partner’s chest and gazed her bloody legs off and, despite the routine itself being a bit perfunctory and flat, she managed to get a pretty good response from the Strictly Come Dancing judges, who told her that she was “wistful, sweet and charming.” As a result, Rachel Stevens got one of the highest scores of the night, but we don’t like to think it was for her dancing – we like to think it was because of all the awkward shots of Rachel’s gormless hairy-faced fiance not knowing what to make of all the unfettered romance going on right in front of his nose. Strictly Come Dancing score – 32

Jodie Kidd – After last week’s surprising comeback, Jodie Kidd tried to take charge of the momentum she built up with a dramatic Paso Doble to Song 2 on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing. And for it, Jodie had to channel up as much anger as she was able to – almost as much anger as you’d have if you just realised that your cocaine-dealing sideline had been exposed by the Sunday newspapers. But in the end that was too much anger, and Jodie Kidd ended up alternating between angry thrashing, ferocious stomping and a weird bit of rudimentary semaphore that seemed to go on for about an hour and a half. It was almost the sort of performance you’d expect from a nutty old hasbeen on cocaine trying to get her career back on track, and the Strictly Come Dancing judges agreed, saying “You went so much for attack, the precision went.” The lesson is clear – Jodie Kidd is only good at slow dances. Or she’s an idiot and deserves to be voted out of Strictly Come Dancing at the earliest opportunity. One or the other, isn’t it. Strictly Come Dancing score – 26

Next week: So many Strictly Come Dancing recaps that you’ll want to cry. Literally cry.

Why is it such a bittersweet time for us? Simple – it’s because we know that on Saturday, although we’ll get to watch several more wonderful Strictly Come Dancing routines, we’ll also have to say goodbye to one of the dancers. And that’s what really hurts. Because, really, just one? Can’t you get rid of all of them so we can get our weekends back?

Anyway, here are the final Strictly Come Dancing recaps of the week, for John Sergeant and Tom Chambers…

John Sergeant – So far, John Sergeant has managed to get this far on Strictly Come Dancing through sheer power of charm, escorting his partner around the dancefloor like a proud father. But on Saturday John had to dance a Samba, which clearly suits him as well as a baseball cap and hoody would. So, to prepare for this assault of Latin passion, John was introduced to hundreds of Brazilian women in peacocky headgear and tiny underwear – an act which left his shirt covered in sweat, the randy old sod. But the dance itself was a bit harder to describe, because rather than an actual samba it was just the same routine that he’d been doing for his ballroom, with the added inclusion of a gruesome wiggly bit in the middle. It was as slow as it was confusing, and about as Latin as a pickled herring, and the Strictly Come Dancing judges gave him what-for for it. “This is supposed to be a party dance. There’s more fun in a party conference.” In all, John Sergeant got the worst Strictly Come Dancing score of the night – even less than the man who nearly smashed his partner’s skull into dust on the floor. That’s something to be weirdly proud of, we think. Strictly Come Dancing score – 16

Tom Chambers – Face it, Tom Chambers could have shat on his partner’s chest on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing and he still wouldn’t have come within a million miles of the dance-off. That’s because Tom Chambers got married on Sunday, and so his entire Strictly Come Dancing intro was all about the wedding and how much he loved his fiance and blah blah ick – which, scientifically, is more likely to win the hearts of all the middle-aged women watching the show that a basket of kittens being held by Cliff Richard in a tuxedo. Nevertheless, Tom Chambers managed to pull off an American Smooth to Chicago that was completely on the money. It was zippy and smooth and snappy and all the other adjectives you’d expect us to use for a successful American Smooth, and the Strictly Come Dancing judges wet themselves over it, saying “I know your goal is to beat Austin. No question tonight, you’ve done it.” Just as well, really because now that he’s married the rest of Tom Chambers’ life is bound to be filled with unquestionable misery. Strictly Come Dancing score – 35

More Strictly Come Dancing recaps next week. Gosh, we can hardly wait.

But before we get to that, we’d just like to point out Bruce Forsyth’s new Strictly Come Dancing catchphrase of “I am not doddery, doddery I am not.” Yes, it’s very clever and all Bruce, but it’d probably have a little bit more weight behind it if you didn’t constantly stare out into the distance with the confused look of someone who’s just been pushed out of a helicopter into a forest. You know, we’re just saying.

But back to the Strictly Come Dancing recap. Here’s what we thought about John Sergeant and Andrew Castle…

John Sergeant - On his first Strictly Come Dancing outing, John Sergeant managed to be the surprise hit of the episode, conducting his Waltz with all the charm and pride of a father dancing at his daughter’s wedding. However, this week John Sergeant had to adapt his skills to a Tango to Boulevard Of Broken Dreams. But he didn’t, and ended up twirling his partner round the stage in the exact same way he did before. Given the slightly sexual nature of the Tango, though, this made John look like a father dancing at his daughter’s wedding who knew he’d rigged up hidden cameras inside their honeymoon hotel room and was planning to have a cheeky wank to the footage later. It was a little bit creepy to watch but, John being John, there was still an element of charm in the routine as the Strictly Come Dancing judges pointed out, telling him he was “far too nice for the dance.” Our advice to John – stop thinking of your partner as a loving relative, and more like the mail order bride you plan to kill and bury in your garden. That’s how we’ve got this far. Strictly Come Dancing score – 22

Andrew Castle – Like Gary Rhodes before him, Andrew Castle spent a week in training whining like a girl about how difficult dancing is. He needn’t have, though. Not because he possesses a natural gift for dance or anything – he really doesn’t – but because he should know that he could spend the entire duration of his routine strangling domestic animals and he’d still go through because his partner’s got quite big boobs. At the start of his Strictly Come Dancing Tango to 20th Century Boy, Andrew Castle seemed to realise this – all he did was stand perfectly still while his partner effectively used him as a makeshift stripper’s pole, which was ingenious. However, Andrew then attempted to actually dance and things unspooled all over the shop. His face didn’t help – he sort of looked like a part-man part-eagle Terminator – but it was probably the headbanging that did him in. Andrew Castle literally stopped dancing altogether at one point and then banged his head so furiously that it looked more like an uncomfortable scene of domestic abuse than a gentile Saturday teatime dance routine. Unsurprisingly, the Strictly Come Dancing judges picked up on this: “I’ve never seen headbanging in a Tango before,” they cooed. And we know why, too – because it’s cack. Strictly Come Dancing score – 22

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Don Warrington and Tom Chambers.

But before we do that, we’ve got just enough time to look forward to the upcoming Strictly Come Dancing, which is an all-female special. We don’t know what’s more exciting – the thought of using up three hours of our weekend watching Strictly Come Dancing, or the glum realisation that Jessie Wallace will probably be wearing something inappropriately revealing during it. Sigh.

Anyway, here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for John Sergeant…

John Sergeant – Everyone knew who John Sergeant would be on Strictly Come Dancing – the fat clown of the show who can’t dance and gets thrown off within a fortnight. He’d basically be this year’s Kate Garraway except with slightly bigger boobs. The thing is, though, John Sergeant’s obviously an intelligent man, so what the hell was he doing on Strictly Come Dancing? As it happens, maybe he knew after all. John’s debut waltz on the show was to Come Away With Me, and it was staggeringly lovely. Not technically great – as if we’d know – John managed to look charming and warm and relaxed all the way through it – apart from right at the end where he started to bob up and down like an egg in a pan of boiling water. It was a graceful, dignified start to Strictly Come Dancing for John Sergeant, but it’ll all be pissed up a wall next week when he has to do a Quickstep to Come To Daddy by Aphex Twin. Strictly Come Dancing score – 22

Tomorrow: Our Strictly Come Dancing recap for Andrew Castle.