Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
When we heard that John Sergeant from Strictly Come Dancing was releasing a song called Let’s Not Fight This Christmas as a single for The One Show, we responded in time-honoured fashion.
Namely – like the jumped-up little Veruca Salts we are – we pointed out that listening to John Sergeant try and musically channel the spirit of Christmas for three minutes would be about as festive as carbon monoxide poisoning. But we were wrong.
Thanks to his talent for shuffling around on a shiny floor, panting and wheezing like a saggy weeble having a coronary, John Sergeant has never been more popular.
And, now that the big hoo-hah about his resignation from Strictly Come Dancing has finally died down, the world of slightly tawdry opportunities has been opened to him. John Sergeant can now do whatever he likes – he can release a lazily-ghostwritten autobiography about his time on Strictly Come Dancing, he can take Kerry Katona‘s place as the face of Iceland, he can even bring out his own perfume if he likes. But only if he decides to call it Gout by John Sergeant. That’s a dealbreaker.
But, no, John Sergeant is far too classy to try anything so shallo… what? John Sergeant isn’t too classy for any of that? In fact John Sergeant has such an inherent lack of class that he’s bringing out a Christmas single? And it’s a duet with Adrian Chiles from The One Show? Here’s a challenge – you’ve got all day to think of a worse idea than that. You won’t be able to.
10 – Get ready for the biggest emotional rollercoaster of your lives. It’s adorable! No, it’s hilarious! No, it’s… it’s MY GOD WOMAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
9 – X Factor winner to sing a song you used to like – Holy Moly
8 – Texas Chainsaw Massacre in 30 seconds. With rabbits – I Am Bored
7 – 10 reasons why George Lucas has a stupid face, or something – Retardzone
6 – The last word on John Sergeant. Hopefully – LonelyIsland
5 – What is literally the last thing you’d want to hear Jordan talking about? – Popsugar
So as you’ve all heard, John Sergeant has left Strictly Come Dancing of his own accord – but don’t be sad.
Although yesterday John’s resignation may have felt like a punch to the stomach for everyone who enjoys looking at Bruce Forsyth‘s anguished face, we need to face the facts. In the cold light of day, all that’s happened is a fat man has left a TV show about dancing. That’s all. Besides, ironic voters shouldn’t be too upset – there’s still Jodie Kidd.
Anyway, this is a sort of vaguely obituary-themed set of Strictly Come Dancing betting odds, for John Sergeant and Tom Chambers, who nobody really cares about today…
For weeks now, the British public have been keeping John Sergeant in Strictly Come Dancing for one reason and one reason alone.
And that’s because he’s old, fat, sweats a lot and when he dances he looks like a man who’s been dipped him in chip fat, plonked on an ice rink and had bullets fired at his shins. But regardless of that, John Sergeant had secured the public Strictly Come Dancing vote, much to the dismay of the judges and his fellow dancers.
But now John Sergeant has decided to fall on his sword. Not literally – although if you did give John Sergeant a sword and tell him to perform a dance with it he’d probably fall on it by accident and end up squirting pints of his guts into Tess Daly‘s eye. What we mean is that John Sergeant has chosen to resign from Strictly Come Dancing.
Strictly Come Dancing recaps? Yes. Here. What of it?
You know, we’ve been thinking. Why doesn’t a respected man like John Sergeant admit that enough’s enough and his continued progress through Strictly Come Dancing is hurting more talented dancers? And now we know – it’s only Strictly Come Dancing that’s stopping him being a full-time Dave employee. No wonder he looks so desperate.
Anyway, here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Rachel Stevens…
Oh great, now we’re in for another week of bitching about John Sergeant – Cherie Lunghi’s out of Strictly Come Dancing.
Cherie was voted out of Strictly Come Dancing because her Cha Cha Cha to Play That Funky Music was a little bit hit and miss – for the first time in ages Cherie got her legs, and therefore her knickers, out in the dance, but it was let down by the way she just lurched from one pedestrian pose to another without anything in between. And in yesterday’s dance-off, the Strictly Come Dancing judges told her that they wanted to “see little bit more Wild Cherry coming out”. We’re pleased she didn’t oblige, because we’re pretty sure they meant her clitoris.
But now that Cherie Lunghi is no longer a part of Strictly Come Dancing, who’s going to win? Here’s part one of our Strictly Come Dancing recap for the week, for Jodie Kidd and Lisa Snowdon…
It’s the final day of our Strictly Come Dancing recaps for the week.
And that means, in all honesty, it’s probably the final time we’ll get to write about John Sergeant as a properly-functioning contestant on Strictly Come Dancing. As the judges proved last week, they’re willing to get as nasty as possible if it gets him out, and it looks like they might be swaying public opinion, too. You don’t want them to win, do you? At least one of them has a face like a wet verruca. Vote John.
And, funnily enough, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for John Sergeant and Lisa Snowdon…
Here it comes, another blast of Strictly Come Dancing recaps. You’ll miss them when they’ve gone, you know.
But first, let’s take another look at how close Len Goodman is getting to his full-scale nervous breakdown. This week, we’ve noticed that it doesn’t matter how much he slags off the dancers, he never gives them a score below six. Our bet is that at some point soon, the two warring sides of Len’s personality will break loose of each other, causing him to open a spooky hotel and kill everyone. We’ve seen Psycho. We know how it works.
Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Cherie Lunghi, John Sergeant and Tom Chambers…
Here we are, the last of our Strictly Come Dancing recaps for the week. Exciting, huh?
Not as exciting as this Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, because this week each of the celebrities will be doing a different dance. Lisa Snowdon‘s going to do a Tango, Christine Bleakley‘s going to do an American Smooth and rumour has it that Andrew Castle‘s going to do an epileptic fit. Seriously, watch it on Saturday and you’ll see.
But now, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for John Sergeant, Rachel Stevens and Jodie Kidd…
