We’d be honoured to have John McCain use any of of our songs – like Look At My Stubby Little Arms or Eghhh (EGHHH) – in his election campaign.

But sadly John McCain isn’t having any of it. Instead, he’d rather use My Hero by Foo Fighters which – while probably a better election song that Eghhh (EGHHH) because it doesn’t have a seven-minute death-jazz intermission played on a contraceptive diaphragm – has annoyed Foo Fighters no end.

John McCain’s use of My Hero has enraged Foo Fighters so much that they’ve launched a furious rock n roll riposte – they’ve written a really bloody strongly worded letter about it. In fact, Foo Fighters have really laid the law down – if John McCain plays My Hero one more time, they’re going to call the flipping council about it or something. Just you watch them!

When a person runs for office in America, it’s important that they pick a campaign song. The song helps to set the tone of the campaign, plus it means there isn’t an awkward two-minute period while the politician shuffles to the podium in the middle of the stage in deathly silence. Would Hitler have lost the war if he’d picked something like Ooh Baby I Love Your Way (Every Day) by Big Mountain as his campaign song? Doubtful.

However, one person who’s been having trouble picking a good campaign song is Republican presidential nominee John McCain. Well, actually that’s a lie – John McCain has found loads of brilliant songs for his campaign, but the trouble is the bands who recorded them get super shitty every time he uses them.

So far, both Heart and Jackson Browne have asked John McCain and his running mate Sarah Palin to stop playing their songs on the campaign trail, but now John McCain has met his biggest foe yet – Foo Fighters.

You see, because John McCain is such a hero that he basically single-handedly inspired the flashback scenes from Rambo he decided that the only appropriate song to use is My Hero by Foo Fighters. After all, that’s about, um, a heroin addict blowing his chops off with a shotgun, and that’s, um, sort of, um, appropriate?

Anyway, Foo Fighters aren’t taking this lying down – they’ve issued a statement explaining exactly why John McCain using My Hero in the election is jolly well not on. BBC News reports:

The band said in a statement: “The saddest thing about this is that My Hero was written as a celebration of the common man and his extraordinary potential. To have it appropriated without our knowledge and used in a manner that perverts the original sentiment of the lyric just tarnishes the song.”

These poor Republicans can’t catch a break, can they? First everyone from Diddy to Madonna has lined up to bash Sarah Palin, and now Kurt Cobain‘s beardy drummer has decided that he doesn’t like John McCain? No wonder he looks like he’ll lose the election now.

Anyway, the best way for John McCain to steer clear of any more trouble like this is to only use songs by people who haven’t complained about him yet. So, in that respect, we think that leaves McCain with a choice between My Old Man’s A Dustman, I Am Woman Hear Me Roar by Helen Reddy and the theme-tune to The Benny Hill Show.

We know which one we’d pick – all three.

Madonna may not be savvy when it comes to making albums, movies or a 100% kernel sweeping bite down any given piece of corn on the cob, but when it comes to political opinion she is a shining beacon shooting her vibrant rays through the midst of a turbulent sea.

Yes, America needs her, which is ironic since she hasn’t been American since she made that one video and got chased out of the country by a mob of very angry evangelicals. Now she’s British or something, and lives in a land where she is free to practise her religious views of making love to sacred statues.

She’s like a pilgrim that way.

You see, stateside the people are on the brink of a vital decision. Without Madonna’s intervention the masses may go to the ballot-box and blindly check that accursed Republican box. That’s the same ticket Hitler ran on, if her recent concert footage is accurate.

If recent information that hecklerspray has received turns out to be true, Madonna’s boy Rocco was actually conceived when she did it with a Buddha statue. If other information is true, Republican presidential nominee John McCain is personally responsible for ruthlessly slaughtering six million Jews during WWII for no reason other than ethnicity.

He was also the one-man brain-trust behind the murder of pretty much the entire Ndebele tribe deep in the wilds of Zimbabwe. Also, he intentionally caused Hurricane Katrina with a strategically placed leaf blower deep in the Mexican Gulf. The bottom line here is that McCain is clearly a Satanist, and if he gets elected it’ll cause a worldwide goat, chicken and cat shortage.

This would be quite detrimental to smaller countries with economies based on those three things. Like Canada.

Madonna offers concrete evidence of every single one of those allegations. The New York Post sums things up:

Madonna kicked off her Sticky & Sweet Tour on Saturday night at Millennium Stadium in Cardiff, Wales. The BBC reported that the two-hour show took a political turn when, in a lead-in to a remixed version of Like a Prayer, a video sequence showed flashing images of destruction followed by pictures of Hitler, Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe and then Senator John McCain.

Senator Barack Obama popped up in another video interlude, but his montage included Gandhi, John Lennon and Al Gore.”

In a courtroom, with all of that properly presented, McCain would already be serving a life sentence. Of course that courtroom would have to be in Salem, Massachusetts several hundred years ago, but you see what we mean.

Thank you Madonna. Also, thanks for reminding us that Al Gore is akin unto Gandhi. All this time we thought the similarities ended with the loin cloths.

The race for US presidency isn’t something we’re likely to cover very much on these pages – it’s too divisive even for us. Plus we’re British-based, so we’re legally not allowed an opinion.

Non-partisan as hecklerspray may be though (you vote for who you actually want to vote for), we can’t help but feel something of an affinity with Barack Obama after his presidential rival John McCain compared the Democrat to both Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.

That’s the kind of politician we could get on board with!

You may be confused – why would we support those likened to Hilton and Spears, she of limited values and she of limited mental wellness? It’s alright; McCain is not saying Obama is a hot little philly to be adored by men and idolised by young women. No, the Republican is getting on board with the hecklerspray way of thinking, seeing Spears and Hilton as vapid wastes of space, sucking up valuable air and not being worth the paper they’re printed on.

What do you mean they’re not actually made of paper? It’s certainly how they come across.

But is McCain alluding to the possibility of Obama having severe mental issues? Is he stating through his campaign ads – in which the comparisons are made – that Barack is likely to lose his kids and have to give them up to Kevin Federline? Because frankly, that’s just harsh. That’s below the belt. That’s downright dirty.

But the question we need to know the answer to – the one that has been keeping us awake for these last few… errm… hours – is this: is Senator John McCain of the Republican party, presidential candidate and genuine Old Man claiming, in a roundabout way probably too subtle for the masses to understand, that he is in possession of a porn film starring Barack Obama?

Is that why he’s equating the Democrat to Paris Hilton? We need to know.

The questions raised by McCain’s political broadcast are sure to get the US talking about the race for the presidency more than ever before. Surely all Obama has to do now is make an appearance on the VMAs and his reign at the helm of the most powerful nation in the world will be guaranteed.

Rick Davis, campaign manager for McCain, let the world in on this fact-nugget:

“I don’t know Paris Hilton and Britney Spears but they are international celebrities, so, you know, apples to apples.”

No, we have no idea either. It’s just a funny quote when you take it out of context.

Check out the video for yourselves, see if you can picture Barack Obama miming to ‘Toxic’ in a bikini top and tight-fitting PVC pants. Because that’s the image it conjures up over here…

Got a spare £20? Then go and bet on John McCain becoming the next president of America when voting season rolls round on November 4.

After God knows how many months, the Democrat party has been finally chosen Barack Obama over Bill Clinton’s wife as their candidate. And Obama has received some support from celebrity land.

Now, in the 2004 American election, when the world witnessed George W Bush and John F Kerry wrestle for the chance to sit in a big, white house, we all saw celebrities show their support.

The majority of film, sports, music and TV stars said George W Bush was a silly head and shouldn’t get your vote. We all know how much of a success that was when the American public stupidly voted Calamity George back into power.

It’s becoming a case of déjà vu as hip and trendy people like Bono tell us to vote Barack Obama and not John McCain.

Well, Stevie Wonder has just praised the Barack Obama and fucked his chances a little bit more.

Now, you may think that Hecklerspray is going to do one of two things:

1 – Make a cheap joke about Mr Wonder’s lack of vision.

2 – Quote lots of Stevie Wonder lyrics and say “Stevie just called Obama to say he loved him” and wish him good luck in the election.

No, for a change we won’t. Option one did tempt us, but after the angry outburst from Lee Ryan fans, we didn’t want to make a joke about a singer whose fanbase will attack us.

And we respect Stevie Wonder a lot more then Lee Ryan. One has talent, while the other runs off reality TV programs.

We’ll cut straight to the chase. At a press conference to promote his European tour [something Lee Ryan knows nothing about], a question was asked if Stevie supported the Democratic nominee.

He replied:

He’s a combination of JFK (former U.S. President John F. Kennedy), and Martin Luther King (Jr.). With that he can’t lose.

As we’ll agree, both of these are men were hugely influential leaders of their time for various reasons. However, they do have the following in common.

They both got shot.

JFK on November 22, 1963 and Martin Luther King on the April 4, 1968.

We guess that before comparing Barack Obama to these two men, Stevie Wonder didn’t realise he was doing this. Maybe a lack of vision on his part? D’oh!

Baring in mind that a maniac did prematurely end their lives, we hope Stevie isn’t part of a wacky cult to rid the world of the Democrat hopeful with fellow members Geroge W Bush and John McCain.

Of course not, don’t be silly. That’s like saying Robert Mugabe rigs the Zimbabwean election.

Now that Eurovision has come and gone and depressed all British people, it’s time to look for something else to bet on. Sadly, nothing’s quite as important as Eurovision, so we’ve settled on the next best thing.

That’s right, the US presidential elections. But we’re not going to bother ourselves with any of this ‘Who’ll win?’ malarkey – instead we’re focusing on what the next scandal to hit the candidates will be. None are likely to be as funny as Barack Obama‘s kooky reverend, but if they happen and get confirmed by either Bloomberg, CNN or Fox, you’ll win. Profiting from other people’s misery – what could possibly be sweeter?

Here are the US election betting odds for a shop lifting scandal, with help from Paddy Power…

Shop Lifting – Of all the scandals that could hit the remaining Democratic and Republican presidential candidates next, shop lifting would probably be the most fun to witness. Sure,  shoplifting might not have the dire political implications of, say, campaign financing irregularity or the tabloid newsworthiness of an affair – but it is the funniest scandal, and that’s what’s important. But while a resurfacing scandal about a decades-old shop lifting incident would be funny – just to see a ruddy-faced newsagent accuse Barack Obama of swiping a comic book 30 years ago – it’s not what we want. Admit it – we want to see presidential candidate get caught shop lifting something now. We want to see CCTV footage of John McCain wandering into a supermarket in a big coat and stuffing it full of frozen chickens when the security guard has his back turned. We want to see Hillary Clinton claiming that she accidentally forgot to pay for the eight bottles of red wine that she shoved down her tights. Hand on heart, we’d vote for any candidate who habitually stole minor items from convenience stores just to see if they could. If we were American, that is. Current US Presidential election betting odds – 50/1

Tomorrow – DUI! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power US elections betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

If you’re US presidential candidate John McCain, you probably spend a lot of time strategising your next campaign move. 

You’re also likely to spend even more time strategising your next move in general like, you know, getting up out of a chair and such. The remainder of your time is probably spent watching MTV and keeping up with the latest juice on trashy reality shows like The Hills.  Well, at least that’s what John McCain says he does, sort of. He may just have said something to that effect because one of the characters on The Hills announced her support for John McCain.

And he likes it. He like it good. 

Know what’s great about MTV? Everyone can sit down together and enjoy. The teenagers eager to learn how to be trashy and shallow, the boozy college kids who’ve already mastered being trashy and shallow and wasting their parent’s money on parties and Abercrombie polo shirts, and the geriatric presidential candidates like John McCain. 

You see, Heidi Montag from MTV’s The Hills publicly endorsed John McCain in the US presidential election thingy going on. You have no idea who she is, do you. That's so pathetic. You don't know who she is, but John McCain does. He's cooler than you. John McCain is actually cooler than you. You know, she’s the really shallow, back-stabbing one that got loads of plastic surgery and has the creepy boyfriend. Actually, that really doesn’t help narrow it down, now does it? She’s also whoring her 15 minutes out by releasing singles and music videos. They’re crap, of course. Anyway, she’s supporting John McCain. Woo.  

But look, look everyone! Look how cool and down to earth and in touch with the young folks John McCain is! He, like, is way grateful for her support, and stuff: 

"I am honored to have Heidi’s support and I want to assure her that I never miss an episode of 'The Hills,' especially since the new season started." 

As far as celebrity endorsements go, they’re usually seen as a bit of a blood-letting gash in the side of a candidate’s campaign race. But for John McCain, who has already sealed the Republican candidacy as well as backing from the current president, there’s really no further harm that can be done by somewhat creepily acknowledging a nod from random reality show person.

And it is creepy. It really is. Even if John McCain does watch The Hills (which we all know he doesn't) there is only one reason a man in his seventies would watch a show about beautiful, rich, monumentally stupid twenty-somethings.

It's that Brody Jenner. It's okay, Johnny-boy. We can't get enough of him, either.

Read more:

SWAMPLAND EXCLUSIVE!! McCain Reacts to Heidi Montag Endorsement! - TIME