World Cup excitement has reached fever pitch. Fever pitch. That was a joke; see how easily they come to us? Fantastic…

We’ve all watched a lot of football recently. We’ve all watched a lot of football adverts recently as well. Here are the four worst World Cup ads, the four that make us wish we were North Korean goalkeepers about to die in mysterious circumstances…

Ladbrokes have employed possibly the two biggest dickheads the game has ever seen for their “let’s rinse those scumbag poor people out of some more while the World Cup is on, sorry we mean, ‘why not have a cheeky fiver on Rooney, eh?’” campaign. Thirty seconds of watching Ian fucking Wright and Chris Ka-fucking-mara poncing about a white studio like the pillocks they are is thirty seconds too long. In fact, one second is thirty seconds too long.

‘Oooh, but they’re legends, hecklerspray, legends! Leg-ends! Wa-hey! Du-der-du-der-du-du-du-du-der!’

Balls to that (balls, yeah? Like footballs? See? Amazing…).

Apparently the pair of them are supposed to represent all that is English in this ad – irritating idiots, incapable of coherent speech, dressed up like extras from a Channel Five remake of A Clockwork Orange and driving Mini Coopers. That’s what M&C Saatchi think of English people.

COME ON ENGLAND!

Even more unbelievably, McDonald’s think they can flog us more of their ‘food’ by getting Graham Taylor to drone faux-poetry over pictures of burgers and berks. I mean for the love of God, here’s an example:

“And the IT bods
with taps and prods
eating a Big Mac
while writing their blogs
were just passing by.”

Yeah, that was me, Graham. That was me ‘just passing by’ while writing this blog here, passing right by – on the way to a proper fucking restaurant. Do I not like you, you helmet. You thought you were hard done by after Euro 92? Well we would have superimposed your face onto a bell-end here at hecklerspray, not a turnip, Graham. A bell-end.

EN-GER-LAND…!

Former England managers and internationals haven’t finished debasing themselves for handfuls of change quite yet though.

What should have been the lowest point of John Barnes’s career – that dreadful World in Motion rap – has been recycled for Mars. JB is either so desperate for cash that he’ll do anything, or worse still (and more likely), he’s thinks he’s cool. He actually thinks he’s cool.

ENGLAND ‘TIL I DIE! I’M ENGLAND ‘TIL I DIE! I KNOW I AM, I SAY I AM, I’M ENGLAND ‘TIL I DIE!’

Now look at this…

If you’re English and can watch this ad for The Sun newspaper right through to the end without renouncing your British citizenship in its entirety, then we have nothing in common. Maybe you should start seeing another website.

DEUTSCHLAND, DEUTSCHLAND ÜBER ALLES!

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Sooner or later the Strictly Come Dancing contestants are going to have to learn that anyone who throws an on-camera strop will get voted out – just like Dominic Littlewood and, on Saturday’s show, John Barnes.

John Barnes: brilliant when he’s asked to do a Strictly Come Dancing latin dance, but useless if he’s asked to do a Strictly Come Dancing ballroom dance. Everyone knows that. But that theory took a beating on Saturday, when John’s Samba to Sir Juke was all flabby and out of shape. Sure, he wiggled his hips around like he was trying to loosen up a colon-impacted turd, but nothing more. And as well as the technique being a bit out, John Barnes also made the routine look roughly as fun as regrouting a mid-sized bathroom. And then threw a wobbly when he got crap scores. No wonder he got eliminated.

But who’s going to win Strictly Come Dancing if John Barnes isn’t? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Gethin Jones, Letitia Dean and Kelly Brook, with help from Paddy Power…

Gethin Jones – Now then, Gethin Jones might only be as expressively sexy as a month-old Pot Noodle, but you can’t deny that he isn’t clever. After weeks and weeks of getting a hammering by the Strictly Come Dancing judges for not being sexy enough, on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing he chose to do a Quickstep to You’re The Top – a dance where all romance is flung out in favour of hoofing around like Bambi with epilepsy all the time. However, even though the only emotion the dance allowed him to express was a sort of exhausted bewilderment, Gethin Jones still got it in the neck from the Strictly Come Dancing judges for not showing enough personality, saying that he should have shown “a bit more gaiety or fun.” And they’ve got a point – we’ve seen balsa wood sculptures of gravel with more personality than Gethin Jones when he’s dancing. SCORE – 34; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 8/1

Letitia Dean – Letitia Dean has two kinds of dance-modes; the one where she looks all graceful and serene, and the one that finishes with Letitia looking like she’s been chased up a mountain by a pack of hungry dogs that’ve mistaken her for a sausage. And on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, Letitia Dean managed to combine the two – she did a nimble Viennese Waltz to She’s Always A Woman and got so out of breath in the process that she could barely speak. Best of all, Letitia Dean managed to complete the dance with the sort of perfectly fixed, lobotomised rictus grin that not even a harrowing humanitarian atrocity could shift from her face. That was what the Strictly Come Dancing judges must have wanted, though, because they told Letitia that “Altogether, I thought it was absolutely fantastic.” By and large, Letitia Dean is the best improved dancer since the first show, which officially makes her Strictly Come Dancing‘s Leon Jackson. And, no, we don’t think that’s such a great plaudit either. SCORE – 32; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 28/1

Kelly Brook – Kelly’s whole week had a celebratory theme to it prior to Saturday’s Samba to Staying Alive. For a start it was her birthday, so she had a party that Billy Zane conspicuously didn’t attend, and then she followed it up by making her dance routine so universally wedding receptiony that it only really needed a crying girl, a drunken punch-up and a disappointing meal to complete the illusion. Once the routine was over – something signalled by Brendan Cole dropping Kelly on the back of her skull – the Strictly Come Dancing judges let rip: “My high expectations have fallen as hard as a lead balloon,” they ranted, and we think we have to agree – unless Kelly perks up her ideas, her chances of winning Strictly Come Dancing are all but over. Not that Kelly Brook will be too upset by that – at least it’ll mean she can add ‘failed dancer’ to the ‘failed TV presenter’ and ‘failed actress’ that’s already on her CV. SCORE – 29; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 6/1

Tomorrow – Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Kenny Logan, Matt Di Angelo and Alesha Dixon. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Strictly Come Dancing betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

It’s a weird thought, that Strictly Come Dancing will happen tomorrow without Kate Garraway plonking around like a woman without any knees – it’s almost like the Strictly Come Dancing judges are winning.

We can’t let this happen. It’s a little-known fact that when a bad dancer is voted off Strictly Come Dancing, a fairy dies. And is that what you want? Is it? Dead fairies all over the place? No, of course not. That’s why it’s imperative that you keep Kenny Logan in Strictly Come Dancing tomorrow. Yes, the judges will all go bright purple if he isn’t voted out and, yes, he’s very obviously useless at dancing. But Kenny Logan represents the underdog in all of us, and to vote him out would be to succumb to the bullies, to the bosses, to everyone who’s ever held you back in life. Plus he dances like an idiot and it’s funny.

Who’s going to win Strictly Come Dancing this year? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Gethin Jones, John Barnes, Alesha Dixon and Matt Di Angelo, with betting odds from Paddy Power…

Gethin Jones – All through Strictly Come Dancing Gethin Jones has had problems expressing passion; although he’s roughly as passionate as a box of three-week-old sawdust, his partner and the Strictly Come Dancing judges all want him to be able to break hymens on sight. Could he manage this with his Rumba to Lost on Saturday’s show? Nope – even though he had an untied bowtie around his neck, all Gethin could manage was a small amount of forehead-touching. That’s a slight improvement on last week’s wink, so there’s still hope for Gethin yet – maybe in about a million years he’ll actually be ready for full sex. The Strictly Come Dancing judges were disappointed too, and marked the dance like a bunch of pensioners who’d misplaced their viagra, telling Gethin that “That was well executed, everything was there, but it lacked the lady killer instinct.” So that’s what Gethin needs to do – murder more ladies. SCORE – 31; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 6/1

John Barnes – Give John Barnes some latin rhythms to dance to and he’ll jolt about like someone’s replaced his lower spine with an electric whisk, but make him do a ballroom dance and he’s rubbish. On Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, John Barnes did a ballroom dance – a Tango to Dance With Me – so you can probably guess how it went. Apparently the secret to the Tango is all about performance, and anyone who remembers John Barnes’ 1990 advert for Lucozade Sport knows that performance isn’t his strong suit. This was amply reinforced during his routine, where John was concentrating so hard on stopping his hip from spazzing out that all trace of personality was beaten to the ground. The Strictly Come Dancing judges were equally unimpressed, saying “I felt nothing when you did this dance.” Poor lambs. SCORE – 28; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 40/1

Alesha Dixon – It’s getting harder and harder to remember that Alesha Dixon was once in a vaguely urbanish girlgroup who released an album that – we think – was all about how much they liked deviant sexual practises involving tongues and anuses, because on Strictly Come Dancing Alesha Dixon is near-perfect week after week after week. On Saturday, Alesha’s Waltz to A Time For Us was typically flawless and she managed to nail it both technically and emotionally, getting an impossibly high score and leaving the Strictly Come Dancing judges almost speechless: “Floaty, fluid, flawless – I was carried away and I forgot where I was” they said. Alesha Dixon is far and away the favourite to walk off with the Strictly Come Dancing title this year, and that’s the way it’ll stay unless she decides to revisit her arse-tonguing past onstage in the coming weeks. SCORE – 38; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 8/15

Matt Di Angelo – Having barely survived the Strictly Come Dancing dance-off in the previous show, Matt Di Angelo knew he had it all to play for on Saturday’s show, which is why he chose to do an eye-meltingly complicated Quickstep to Is You Is Or Is You Ain’t My Baby. Leaping about like a gazelle having its hooves shot at by a grizzled old cowboy, Matt somehow overcame the impossible and managed to pull off the whole routine without getting his legs caught around his neck and choking himself to death. And because he didn’t end up kicking himself in the eye, Matt was justly rewarded by the Strictly Come Dancing judges, who told him that “That was the most difficult and complex choreography we’ve ever seen on show.” More than that, being in a dance-off also forced Matt to add some humility to the routine, which is why, for the first time, we didn’t want to slap him in his silly little face during the dance. We know. We’re sorry. SCORE – 34; Current Strictly Come Dancing – 5/1

Next week – X Factor betting odds. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Strictly Come Dancing betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

This season of Strictly Come Dancing is turning up all kinds of surprises, as Saturday’s shock elimination of Penny Lancaster proved only too well.

So far that’s two potential winners gone in Penny Lancaster and Gabby Logan, while Kate Garraway and Kenny Logan – a spam-footed embarrassment and a graceless thumping monster – are still in the running. Despite what the Strictly Come Dancing judges say, this is absolutely the right way to go. With anything luck, if this keeps happening, Kate Garraway will be crowned as the Strictly Come Dancing champion by Christmas. And that means a) anyone who took advantage of Kate Garraway’s long betting odds will be richer than they could ever imagine and b) Bruno Tonioli‘s face will explode.

Who’s going to win Strictly Come Dancing? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Kenny Logan, John Barnes, Kelly Brook and Alesha Dixon, with help from Paddy Power…

Kenny Logan - Maybe our expectations of Kenny Logan are too high, but in our entire lives we haven’t experienced disappointment on a scale that we experienced watching Kenny doing a Viennese Waltz to Flower Of Scotland on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing. We were expecting all the things we’ve come to love from Kenny Logan’s dancing – borderline-obscene outfits, a fire-eyed look of fury, an impressive refusal to even attempt to dance to the music and an unsettling impersonation of a rapist committing a hate crime – but set to bagpipe music. And while the rehearsals looked promising – with Kenny Logan becoming so furious that he started battering his own face at one point – the actual Strictly Come Dancing routine itself was a let-down. Kenny was smooth, Kenny was graceful, Kenny – frankly – did a decent job. The Strictly Come Dancing judges even went as far as to tell Kenny that “You came out and you dominated that floor. No question, your best dance so far.” We feel sick. SCORE – 26; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 80/1

John Barnes – OK, we’ll admit that we were wrong. It wasn’t John Barnes’ shrinking frame that was stopping him from doing well at Strictly Come Dancing – it was the fact that he was being made to do dances that didn’t allow him to flail his hips around like a professional hula-hooper with post traumatic stress disorder. Because on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, John Barnes got to dance the Salsa to an unstoppably generic piece of music, and it was easily his most convincing routine of Strictly Come Dancing so far. Throwing his hips around like someone was prodding him in the arse with a cattle brand, John Barnes looked the happiest we’ve seen him since New Order let him do the World In Motion rap instead of Tony Adams, and it showed – the buoyant mood even rubbed off on the Strictly Come Dancing judges who declared that “I was bathing in the ocean of that cuban motion!” Again, we’re not really sure what this means. SCORE – 36; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 18/1

Kelly Brook – By getting picked up more than she was supposed to and waggling a cape around, Kelly Brook’s Strictly Come Dancing journey so far has been tinged with the sort of controversy that only a professional dancing judge could bother giving a shit about, but on Saturday’s show Kelly Brook had the chance that she was a dancer first and a controversy magnet second. And a rubbish actress third. Dancing the Viennese Waltz to Delilah, Kelly Brook really entered into the spirit of the song by repeatedly spurning the sexual advances of Brendan Cole – something that she probably managed to learn how to do by repeatedly spurning the sexual advances of Brendan Cole week after week in real life. And the routine was such a success that, for the first time in weeks, the Strictly Come Dancing judges didn’t just gargle and splutter like outraged pensioners afterwards, either, saying that “beauty and the beast have danced back into the fairytale.” We don’t know what fairytale they were talking about, but it’s probably a shit one. About dancing. SCORE – 36; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 3/1

Alesha Dixon – That’s it. We give in. There’s literally no dance that Alesha Dixon can’t do, aside from the dance that expresses forgiveness to her husband for boning Javine behind her back. Admittedly dancing a Salsa to a Michael Jackson song is closer than usual to her day job – shouting the word “Flava” over and over again while pulling her ‘street’ face, but she still managed to do it extraordinarily well, keeping perfectly in time with her partner and even grinding her bottom on his genitals convincingly, even though he looks a bit like an effeminate blonde Dracula mannequin. And the Strictly Come Dancing judges were so overwhelmed by Alesha’s dancing that they started hurling insults at her under the illusion that they were compliments. “You’ve got more hips than Cuba all put together. Hot hot hot!” is an insult, right? SCORE – 35; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 10/11

Next week: X Factor betting odds again. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Strictly Come Dancing betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

On Saturday tiny wee slaphead Dominic Littlewood was the latest semi-celebrity to get voted off Strictly Come Dancing, which seemed to come as a surprised to nobody except Dominic Littlewood himself.

Dominic Littlewood's stock in trade – apart from his ability to haggle three pence off the price of a new car on daytime TV – is his cheekiness. However, that went on Saturday's Strictly Come Dancing because he was dancing a Paso Doble to El Gato Montez, which apparently called for lots of marching around like a midget Hitler out of time to the music while dressed as a gay Libertine. But, as you may have expected, the most convincing part of Dominic Littlewood's performance came when he had an embittered tantrum about how nobody likes him afterwards. Even Bruce Forsyth started slating Dominic at one point, and his tolerance for awfulness is so high that he counts Jimmy Tarbuck as a friend.

Who's going to win Strictly Come Dancing? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Kelly Brook, John Barnes, Letitia Dean, Gethin Jones and Kenny Logan, with help from Paddy Power…

Kelly Brook – After Brendan Cole committed the mortal sin of picking Kelly Brook up three times instead of twice on a previous Strictly Come Dancing, the pair of them have become the resident sequinny rebels, and this is something that Kelly seized upon by deciding that she'd break the rules and dick about with a cape during her Paso Doble to You Give Love A Bad Name, when traditionally it's the job of the man. And predictably the Strictly Come Dancing judges reacted as if Kelly Brook had shat in their tea, yelling things like "Do a proper dance with stuff I can see" at her. We can see why they were angry – while Kelly titted about with the cape it didn't give Brendan much to do aside from waggle his hands around like an end-of-the-pier magician getting ready to pull a dove out of his arse. Disappointing. SCORE – 28; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 3/1

John Barnes – We're honestly worried that John Barnes' talent-sac is kept in his gut because the more weight he loses, the worse he gets at dancing. It's true – although the rehearsals for his Strictly Come Dancing Foxtrot to My Guy saw John Barnes slapping his head and shouting "Come on!" like a mentally ill person trying to get the voices in his head to stop chanting the word "kill" at him over and over again, the actual dance wasn't particularly good. Boring, forgettable, generic, there's a chance that John Barnes is now getting so thin that he's starting to half-vanish like the photos in Back To The Future. The Strictly Come Dancing judges thought so too, calling the routine "laboured." Let's make a pact; to improve John Barnes' Strictly Come Dancing chances, the first person to see him this week has to force-feed him an entire roast chicken. Deal? SCORE – 24; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 40/1

Letitia Dean – Since the Paso Doble is a dramatic dance, Letitia Dean vowed early on in training for Saturday's Strictly Come Dancing that she'd need to use her acting skills for her routine to Live And Let Die. Since we're fully aware that the only acting skill Letitia Dean is capable of involves pouting at Grant Mitchell while looking like she's trying to solve a particularly difficult math equation in her head, we assumed that she'd be screwed come the actual dance. But we were wrong – she performed her routine with all the fire and spit of a spoilt six-year-old demanding that her parents take her to Disneyland. And that's a lot of fire and spit. The Strictly Come Dancing judges loved Letitia's routine too, saying it was "full of attitude, full of authority." But secretly we think they gave her a high score because the dance marked the return of Letitia's 'breathless pervert' face, which they all missed last week. SCORE – 31; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 10/1

Gethin Jones – Gethin Jones has been receiving a lot of stick from the Strictly Come Dancing judges for not sexing his routines up very much. And, fearing that on Saturday we'd see Gethin dressed up as a serial sex-offender with a three-foot veiny codpiece, we were sort of relieved that he mostly ignored their advice to perform a Foxtrot to Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue, the sole hint of sexiness being Gethin's reticent wink at the end. Only sort of relieved, mind you – the routine was still so painfully unspectacular that it would have trouble standing out in a roomful of vapour. But what do we know – the Strictly Come Dancing judges seemed to enjoy it enough, telling Gethin "you did that beautifully." Yet it still wasn't enough to break Gethin out of his mid-table mediocrity. Maybe he really should break the codpiece out next week. SCORE – 31; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 8/1

Kenny Logan – Let's not beat about the bush here, Kenny Logan is the only reason any of us watch Strictly Come Dancing any more, because his dances are so brain-meltingly graceless that they're the single-most entertaining thing about the whole show. Take Kenny Logan's Strictly Come Dancing Paso Doble to Take Me Out, for instance – it's like he'd mistaken read that the entire history of the Paso Doble was based on the story of Kratos from God Of War because at one point Kenny stopped hurling his partner about like a rag doll to – and we swear this is true – summon up power from the heavens. The Strictly Come Dancing judges rolled out the usual criticism you'd expect, saying that it was "too aggressive" and that it lacked finesse, but we don't care about any of that. Also, Kenny Logan was dancing in a sleeveless top and sparkly kilt, too, which made the whole thing look like the deleted rape scene from Starlight Express. SCORE – 21; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 80/1

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Alesha Dixon, Kate Garraway, Matt Di Angelo and Penny Lancaster. But if that's too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Strictly Come Dancing betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.