John - HecklerSpray

Brad Pitt’s Own Children Now More Sensible Than Brad Pitt

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

It’s obvious that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie pick their childrens’ names via a complex system of shuffled Scrabble tiles, darts and fevered Glossolalia.

Although it has plus sides – like the way that it gives Brad and Angelina a bit more of the attention that they so obviously crave – giving their children a variety of stupid names was always going to come back and kick Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie up the bum. And now it has.

You see, Brad Pitt says that Shiloh Nouvel – the oldest biological Jolie-Pitt – has decided that Shiloh is a stupid name for a child. So now she’ll only answer to the name John. We can only pray that this trend ends now – while John is still a funny name because of the gender issue, all it’ll take is for Pax Thien to decide he wants to be called Alan and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will be laughed out of the Hollywood elite.

Dear God, Is Jennifer Aniston Pregnant Now?

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Jennifer Aniston is a girl after our own heart – she knows that the only way to keep a man is to get pregnant and guilt them into commitment.

Allegedly. Allegedly Jennifer Aniston has something growing in her stomach, and for once it’s not the burning desire to be the centre of attention or a little voice going “Feeeed meee! I’m so hungryyy!” Allegedly, you see, Jennifer Aniston is pregnant with John Mayer‘s baby. Oh, and they’re getting married as well. Allegedly.

If this is true, we can’t help feeling that this is a mistake. If Jennifer Aniston wants to get her revenge on Angelina Jolie so much, then she shouldn’t be getting pregnant from a pasty white American like John Mayer – she should be getting pregnant from a Cambodian. And an Ethiopian. And a bloke from Vietnam. And probably a couple of Indians and a some Chinese men. All at once. On the internet. It’s the only way.

Paris Hilton Makes a New Video. One That Doesn’t Involve Sex.

March 24th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

Okay, so maybe we’re just reacting to Paris Hilton’s new advert as many of our readers react to the sarcasm on these pages – by taking things at face value.

But it would appear that Paris Hilton is indeed running for the presidency of the United States of America. In a video statement released to political hardline site Funny or Die, Hilton responded to the recent campaign ad from John McCain and the Republican party with her own brand of politics.

In the original ad, Paris was likened to Democratic Senator Barack Obama – popular, but ultimately vacuous and easily forgotten (or maybe it was the other way round). It would seem that young miss Hilton didn’t take too kindly to these words and has launched something of a war on the Republican Party, vowing to bring them down if it’s the last thing she does.

Okay, so maybe we’re going a bit overboard – even told a couple of porkie pies. She isn’t trying to bring down the Republican Party. She isn’t actually running for presidency. And Funny or Die isn’t technically a political hardline site.

But she has been involved in a video response, so it’s not all bad news laced with lies.

John Terry Doesn’t Care About The Disabled

March 25th, 2009 By Paul Sorrenti

Chelsea and England football captain John Terry has been caught red-handed parking in a disabled bay.

According to The Sun, John Terry (Grandma Hecklerspray always said to never trust man with two first names) parked his Bentley (Grandma Hecklerspray always said that people who drove Bentley's were nob-heads) illegally outside Pizza Express in Esher, Surrey, for about two whole hours.

So while he and his 'holier-than-disabled' family perused the menu, a cavalcade of disabled drivers drove endlessly around and around the streets of Esher desperately looking for a place to park, crying tears of disabled despair.

Big Brother Celebrity Hijack Betting Odds: Will Amy Win Tonight?

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Tonight’s the last night of Big Brother Celebrity Hijack, so it’s bound to be a sad moment for the 12 remaining people who actually watch the sodding thing.

But who’ll win the prize of £50,000 and a lifetime of only being recognised as Wotsit Off Big Brother? Emilia, Nathan, John, Anthony, Jeremy and Amy all remain in the house, and one of them has to win, even though it’d probably be fairer on humanity if they let a massive robot into the house and let it trample them all to death instead. But who’ll win?

Here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Emilia, John, Anthony and Amy, with help from Paddy Power…

Big Brother Celebrity Hijack: Latoya Out, Almost Everyone Else Up

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Last night the time came to dispose of yet another Big Brother Celebrity Hijack housemate – and it was poor old Latoya who bit the dust.

But forget that silly old tramp, because Big Brother Celebrity Hijack is almost over and the house is still over-run with self-satisfied twerps. So that’s why the housemates all nominated again, right after Latoya left, into each others’ faces. And everyone is up for Big Brother Celebrity Hijack eviction apart from Anthony and John. And two are going tomorrow. If you want those betting odds you can have them tomorrow.

So meanwhile here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds to win – for John, Amy and Anthony – with help from Paddy Power…

Big Brother Celebrity Hijack Betting Odds: 4 Up, Anthony To Win?

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Big Brother Celebrity Hijack has just lined up another four schmucks for eviction – Victor, Jeremy, Emilia and Liam.

Come Friday, one of those poor kids will be out of the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house. But who? Bendy girl? Her idiot brother? The monotone racing driver? Liam? Liam, obviously, but we’ll come to that tomorrow.

But who’ll win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? Here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Nathan, John and Anthony, with help from Paddy Power…

Big Brother Celebrity Hijack Betting Odds: Can John Win?

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Tensions are rising in the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack house as Jade, Victor and Jeremy all face eviction oblivious to the fact that hardly anyone on the outside world is watching.

We’ll have the eviction betting odds tomorrow, but let’s not forget what’s going on inside the Big Brother house right now. After the double body-blow of that bloke from The 11 O’Clock Show titting about in their garden and John McCririck spending all of yesterday bellowing nonsense at them, it’s a wonder that they all haven’t keeled over in a big messy puddle yet.

Who’ll win Big Brother Celebrity Hijack? Here are the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack betting odds for Nathan, Anthony and John, with help from Paddy Power…