Paris Hilton had been best friends with Nicole Richie since the age of two – and yet did not attend the wedding of she and Joel Madden. Was Paris dying, finally, of some horrid communicable disease?

Was she otherwise busy finding the cure for her inevitable bevy of STDs? Was she washing her hair? Was she heck!

The wedding of Nicole was attended by celebrities lower on the food chain than former-best friend, Paris. There was friend, and companion on her bachelorrette party, Samantha Ronson, and Gwen Stefani, and Khloe Kardashian-Odom.

The latter two of whom only seemed to have tentative links to the pair and were probably there more for the publicity. Any dissolving friendship probably means less than magazine cover sales – so we’re going to blithely assume names were cut out of People magazine and put into a hat, and weren’t taken from Richie’s address book. That’s pretty much the assertion of some American outlets, who are speculating wildly as to why Paris didn’t bother turning up to last Saturday’s ceremony.

E! Online suggests Paris was too busy being Paris to tear herself away from… herself, ‘Paris was shooting her Oxygen reality series in Vegas this weekend, where one of her cast mates was celebrating [a] birthday.’ A dash of ‘Really?’ and a pinch of ‘Sounds about right.’ We’ll bite.

Us Weekly joins in, clarifying why such famewhoring is so offensive to Nicole’s delicate sensibilities.

“Nicole knew very well that having Paris involved would have inevitably turned a special night into being about their friendship,” a source tells UsMagazine.com. “Nicole’s life is completely different now.” In fact, Richie didn’t even bother to invite Hilton, her best friend since the age of 2, to attend the winter-themed ceremony. And though Richie’s pals Khloe Kardashian and Samantha Ronson made the final guest list, a source close to Hilton tells Us that the 29-year-old socialite “isn’t dwelling on it too much.”

“She and Nicole aren’t close anymore, but there are no hard feelings there,” the insider explains. “They just grew up and apart.”

Precious Nicole, and her precious babies, and precious husband didn’t want Paris’s petri dish pants infecting their ceremony and making the day all about her.

Oh, wait.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so lets have a massive street party in her honour!

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Celebrity bulimia-fancier and professional good-for-nothing has recently taken the completely understandable step of banning her father, Lionel from playing at her wedding. hecklerspray understands that her fiancé Joel Madden would have enjoyed booking the ‘Hello’ singer to give them a couple of numbers at the wedding.

Unfortunately for Mr Madden (lead singer of the inexplicably successful Good Charlotte), Ms Richie has claimed that she’s “not down with that”.

Of course, her not being “down with that” is no reason why Madden shouldn’t ask his father-in-law-to-be to come along and play a few songs. After all, it’s his wedding day and we very much doubt he wants to get up on stage and belt out some watered-down versions of ‘Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous’ and a myriad collection of Good Charlotte’s other hits*.

hecklerspray is led to believe that the reasons for Nicole’s lack of downward direction regarding her father stems from the previously mentioned fact that he has had a successful career in the music industry (until the Walker’s Crisps advert) as opposed to a ‘socialite’ only known in the public eye for her father and once debating the origins of the universe with a glass of water on live television.

Nicole is said to be so unbearably jealous of anyone that isn’t famous for being a less-whorish Paris Hilton that she instead invited Paris Hilton herself to play at the wedding, asking her to cover Chris De Burgh’s classic ‘Lady in Red’ for their first mosh.

Joel was said to have been delighted as Chris De Burgh “shits all over that blind-chasing bastard Lionel”.

So- for now- the wedding of the year is safe from show-stealing fathers and it will be left for Nicole to take centre-stage as the main focus of the day; a feeling she is unlikely to ever experience again.

At least she will be until Madden’s estranged father hobbles in to belt out an out-of-tune rendition of ‘Don’t Stop Believin”.

*If they have any.

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Nothing makes us happier than a happy couple – especially a happy couple who we forgot existed for a few years.

Congratulations Nicole and Joel! According to reports, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden have decided to get engaged. You know what this means – it means that Nicole Richie and Joel Madden are now the Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz of couples made of pointless female celebrities and members of awful bands who give their children ridiculous names!

Oh, hang on, no. Ashlee Simpson and Peter Wentz are still the Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz of couples made of pointless female celebrities and members of awful bands who give their children ridiculous names, aren’t they? Our mistake. Nicole Richie and Joel Madden probably deserve to come second, though. Or third. Or fifth.

Oh Joel Madden, you sly old prankster. You always get the last laugh, don’t you? The blogs and celebrity magazines are all busy frothing about the fact that you’ve just got engaged to Nicole Richie after three years and two babies together, noting that you broke the news during a taping of David Letterman and that Nicole couldn’t stop telling people how happy she was during a meal afterwards, but you kept an ace up your sleeve.

You see, Joel Madden and Nicole Richie have actually been engaged for ages! The joke’s on us! That’s why last night Joel Madden tweeted:

“Yep. i’m engaged. Very happy. Yeah we’ve been engaged for a while so your all kind of late on that. But Thanks for the hooplah all the same. P.s. thats why i love my family and friends. None of them are sources. All good tight lipped people who let us enjoy it! Thanks everybody.”

You cheeky monkey! You sure got the upper hand on us by doing something that nobody could possibly care about and then managing to keep it secret until you felt compelled to blab it across the television because you’re so needy that you can’t do anything without public validation, didn’t you? You’re an arch-trickster and a supervillain-level genius, Joel Madden. We are nothing compared to you.

But this is just sour grapes on our part. We’re just jealous that Nicole Richie and Joel Madden managed to keep their engagement a secret for so long. But, hey, you know what’d really show us? If Nicole Richie and Joel Madden managed to keep their wedding a secret, too. And their honeymoon. And any other babies that they ever have. And their divorce. And any new musical ventures that Joel Madden decides to embark upon. And anything else either of them ever do for the entirety of their natural lives. Especially that one.

Please?

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Admit it – when Nicole Richie called her last baby Harlow, you were worried. Harlow’s a good crappy name, but not a great crappy name.

But, Nicole Richie, welcome back to the table. You were on the ropes for a while – because calling a baby Harlow is almost like calling it Emma or another dirty civilian name. But, God bless you Nicole Richie, you weren’t deterred by your failure. Instead you got pregnant again and promised to give your next baby the stupidest name possible.

Ladies and gentlemen, may we introduce you to Sparrow James Midnight Madden. For crying out loud.

For celebrities, naming babies is a bit like taking drugs. Sure, at first it might seem a bit edgy and cool to call your baby Maddox, because you think that you can control it. But you can’t. Soon you start chasing that first high by calling your next baby Bluebell Madonna. Suddenly you’re in the grip of addiction, and only patently ridiculous names like Bronx Mowgli can give you the satisfaction that you crave. The next thing you know you’re red-eyed and crawling through back-alley dustbins, screaming gibberish like “Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa!” at the moon.

Why are we telling you this? Because we’re trying to get through to Nicole Richie, and we know that horrific baby names and irresponsible drug use are the two things she like most of all.

You see, Nicole Richie has just given birth to her second baby with Joel Madden, just over 18 months since giving birth to her last baby. For now, let’s see the statement written on Nicole Richie’s website about the birth:

In the middle of night, the very early hours of September 9, 2009 Sparrow James Midnight Madden was born to Nicole Richie and Joel Madden. He weighs 7lbs 14oz. Nicole, Joel, Harlow and Sparrow are all doing well. Thank you for all of your good wishes.

Aw, that’s so… HANG ON! SPARROW? Where the hell did Sparrow come from? We can only assume that a) Nicole Richie and Joel Madden like Pirates Of The Caribbean and wanted to call their baby after its perpetually drunk lead character, or b) Nicole Richie and Joel Madden like birds and wanted to name their baby after a bird, just not a bird that’s pretty or cool or has a nice-sounding name. We totally get it.

Actually we’re being unfairly cruel here. We happen to quite like the sound of Sparrow James Midnight Madden, and we predict that this ‘weird name/ normal name/ weird name’ trick is one that’s catch on. For instance, we plan on calling our first-born child Armchair Jonathan Rhinoceros Henry Bucket Simon Rhombus Nigel.

God knows what we’ll call it if it’s a boy, though.

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Are you a fan of Nicole Richie and a fan of the band Good Charlotte? Then have we got some news for you!

You like bad music and you’re an idiot. There. Oh, and also Nicole Richie’s pregnant again. We probably should have done that bit of news first, in retrospect.

But anyway, Nicole Ritchie has announced that she’s pregnant with her second baby by Joel Madden. We don’t know if this pregnancy was planned or accidental, but rumour has it that pregnancy is the only way that Joel Madden can stop Nicole Richie from disappearing when she turns sideways.

Motherhood has changed Nicole Richie. Before she had her first baby just over a year ago Nicole Richie was famous for being professionally stupid, whether she was gonking around on TV shows with Paris Hilton or driving into oncoming motorway traffic while blasted on drugs.

But now Nicole Richie doesn’t have the time to be professionally stupid any more, because she’s too busy passing on the fruits of her innate stupidity to her baby daughter Harlow. And now it looks like she’ll have to work twice as hard, because Nicole Richie’s boyfriend Joel Madden has just announced that he’s knocked her up again. On his blog, Joel Madden wrote:

What’s better than winning an Oscar? I am so happy to tell everyone that Harlow is going to be a big sister! God has truly blessed my family. Hope your all feeling as good as i am right now…

We’re thrilled for Nicole Richie and Joel Madden, really, although we have to pick Joel up on one teensy thing – having a baby isn’t better than winning an Oscar. For instance, Oscars don’t crap everywhere. Also, you can’t really sell a baby on Ebay to stop you house being repossessed by the mortgage company. And, while it’s easy to melt an Oscar down to make a crown for yourself, if you try doing that with an actual baby you’re going to get in an awful lot of trouble. Trust us, this is experience speaking here.

But, no, we’re happy that Nicole Richie is pregnant. Because when she had her last baby, Nicole Richie went from being fairly famous to not famous at all, so logic dictates that her new baby will take her from not famous at all to something even less than that. That’s right – once this baby pops out, Nicole Richie is going to turn into Lee Ryan.

But there’s no time to waste here – if a baby’s on the way, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden need to start preparing now. For instance, they have to think of an even crappier British town than Harlow to name their baby after – the smart money’s on either Ramsgate or Sandy Balls – plus they have to baby-proof their house all over again. But it’s OK – there’s a one-year-old in the house now, so maybe it can teach its mother how to work the clip on the toilet this time.

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Good Charlotte were an awful band, right? We weren't just imagining that, were we?

Because for a gang of pointless sub Blink 182 pop-punk gormloids, Good Charlotte members have managed to score themselves some fairly high profile girlfriends. Joel Madden from the band famously got Nicole Richie pregnant, and now his brother Benji has wound up dating Paris Hilton.

We know. We're just two small marriages away from Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie becoming related. And we're fairly sure that'll bring about the end of the world in Ghostbusters Gatekeeper/ Keymaster scenario. Nicole being Rick Moranis, obviously.

There was a time when Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie were inseparable. On their TV show The Simple Life Paris and Nicole would bimble about America failing to do tasks that even a lobotomised stoat would find a little on the easy side. It's not an overstatement to say that Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie were the Thelma And Louise of shagging men on the internet and driving backwards up a motorway blasted on drugs respectively. 

Sadly, like most friendships involving Paris Hilton, Paris and Nicole fell out, and it was traumatic. There were claims of mutual practical jokes and petty pranks that threatened to tear The Simple Life apart, putting the livelihoods of the world's confused-sounding fiddle sound effect producers in serious jeopardy.

Despite this, the pair of them have managed to keep a few things in common. They've both been to prison, for example, and while Nicole Richie had a baby, Paris Hilton managed to maintain her IQ score slightly lower than that of an average newborn baby. Plus they're banging a set of brothers, which helps. 

While Nicole Richie is shacked up with Joel Madden from Good Charlotte, it looks as if his brother Benji Madden has started doing it with Paris Hilton. People reports:

Less than two weeks after Benji Madden split from fiancée Sophie Monk, the rocker is stepping out with another blonde bombshell. The new woman in his life? None other than Paris Hilton. "Yes, they are dating. It's pretty serious," a source confirms of the couple, who have been spotted together all over town – make that all over the country! In just the past few days, they have partied at Home nightclub in suburban St. Louis, shopped (while holding hands) at Hollywood's Fred Segal, and even grabbed lunch with Madden's mom.

OK, so Paris Hilton holding hands with a boy who's just a fortnight out of an engagement means that it's obviously not a serious relationship, especially since she hasn't even bothered to release an internet video of him boning her yet. But still, consider the consequences of what'd happen if things did turn serious and Paris Hilton really did get married to Benji Madden while Nicole Richie got married to Joel Madden.

We'll tell you the consequences – really shit Boxing Day family get-togethers, that's what. We can barely imagine.

Read more:

Suddenly Inseparable: Paris Hilton & Benji Madden - People 

While a lot of fuss has been made about Christina Aguilera's baby, let's not forget that Nicole Richie also had a baby this weekend.

In fact, the birth of Nicole Richie's baby daughter was probably even more spectacular than the Aguilera birth because, by pushing six pounds and seven ounces out her body all at once, Nicole Richie managed to lose three fifths of her bodyweight almost instantly.

And, oh yeah, the father of the baby says that it looks like Nicole Richie. That was going to be our original point.

This is definitely the year of having babies. Yes, we know an hour ago we said it was the year of not having babies, but times change, OK? Think fast, you've got to keep up.

We're saying that this is the year of having babies because Christina Aguilera and Nicole Richie have just had babies and we always copy everything they do, which explains our pierced clitoris and tendency to drive into oncoming traffic on drugs.

Anyway, Nicole Richie gave birth to a baby girl on Friday night – the oddly-named Harlow Winter. And until Nicole Richie and boyfriend Joel Madden have another baby, which they'll probably end up calling Canvey Island Drizzle or something, little Harlow Winter is the apple of their eye, to such an extent that Joel Madden has gone onto the internet to share his joy.

Before you start criticising his English skills, remember that the most profound thing Joel ever wrote prior to this was "Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money." This is a big step for the poor little lamb:

"ITS A GIRL!!!!!

Well I am finally home with my beautiful girlfriend and our brand new little daughter. Harlow Winter Kate Madden was born on January 11th 2008 at 3:13pm. She weighed in at 6 pounds and 7 ounces. She is 19 inches long and growing everyday already! She really is a wonderful addition to the GC/DCMA/DEADEXEC family.We are so blessed to have this beautiful little baby in our lives.I want to thank everyone for all the love and kind words they’ve sentour way… She looks so much like her mom its crazy! She eats like a little maniac and shes really sweet. She barely ever cries ,even when daddy is changing her diaper, and believe me i suck when it comes to diapers, but im learning! I cant wait to show off some pictures, until then, THANKS!! and GOD BLESS….. Joel"

So congratulations to Nicole Richie and Joel Madden. Well congratulations and a reminder that they still have a couple of years to invent a new story for when Harlow Winter asks why she was born. "Well, you see, I was going to be sent to jail…" is never a good opener to explain to a child. 

And if Nicole Richie is happy about her baby now, just imagine how thrilled she'll be in a couple of months when the baby starts putting on weight. Strangers might even stop confusing the two of them for each other.

Read more:

Madden says baby looks like Richie – RTE