Why did Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo split up? There are countless possible reasons, too many to list.

But only one of them is hilarious. So let’s go with that. Reports are suggesting that Tomy Romo ran away from Jessica Simpson because of her meddling, breast-fixated father, Joe Simpson. Apparently one of the factors for the split was Joe’s insistence on giving Tony endless advice about how to do his job properly.

It’s such a waste, especially when poor old Pete Wentz is crying out for advice about how to write better songs. And what a decent haircut looks like.

Everybody needs a father like Joe Simpson. That’s scientific fact. Without a Joe Simpson by your side, you’d probably end up stumbling through life making bad decision after bad decision and getting absolutely nowhere.

But with a Joe Simpson by your side, the world is your oyster. Need to turn your marriage to a boyband star into an MTV reality show that’ll make everyone question the integrity of the union and ultimately lead to a messy public divorce? Joe Simpson’s your man. Need to carve yourself a movie career that’ll inevitably crash to a standstill in a flurry of direct-to-DVD releases and one of the worst-performing movies ever made? Joe Simpson’s your man. Want a string of boyfriends who’ll never commit as much as you’d like them to because of your creepy overbearing father constantly breathing down their necks? Joe Simpson is definitely your man.

Because, even though the official reason given for the recent Jessica Simpson/ Tony Romo split was that their schedules keep them apart too much, some sources are saying that it’s all down to Old Man Simpson and his meddlin’ ways. Fox reports:

“At one point Joe was even giving Tony football advice which doesn’t go down well,” said an insider. “Tony was a football superstar before he got mixed up in Hollywood, this move will be probably be good at least for his career.”

It doesn’t seem completely fair to lay the break-up of Jessica Simpson’s relationship with Tony Romo completely at Joe Simpson’s door, though, does it? There could be hundreds of other factors involved – like, say, the way that Jessica Simpson looked quite fat in that pair of trousers that one time, or the way that Jessica Simpson wouldn’t shut up about how fat she looked in those trousers the one time she wore them, or the way that Jessica Simpson got so bloody obsessed with how she sodding looked in those arseing trousers that she ended up making a TV show about the pissing things.

But, admit it, the Joe Simpson story does have an air of plausibility to it. After all, Jessica Simpson is daddy’s little girl – and nobody will ever give her the loving that he does.

No, not like that.

OK, a bit like that. Ugh.

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Saturday’s Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz wedding may have been the wedding of the year, proving forever that this is a lame-ass year.

But maybe you really do think that the Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz wedding was the wedding of the year. Maybe you genuinely believe that the love between Ashlee and Pete is deep and genuine and true and pure and everlasting. Maybe, in other words, you’re an idiot.

If so then you’ll want to read on, because a whole bunch of new Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz wedding secrets have got out. And, somewhat brilliantly, they all seem to involve Ashlee’s overbearing father Joe Simpson, who was so heavily involved in the whole shebang that you can’t help but sense his disappointment that it wasn’t him getting married to his own 23-year-old daughter. Possibly.

It was the wedding that everyone’s been looking forward to since they realised that it would momentarily distract them from their own inevitable death – Saturday’s Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz wedding. Literally, the wedding was an all-time gold standard for weddings between easily-replaceable members of bands we don’t like and women who we only know because they’re related to excavator-jawed reality TV idiots that only take place because of an accidental unplanned pregnancy.

And what a wedding it was – kept top secret until the last minute just to make it seem more important than it actually was, Pete and Ashlee’s wedding had an Alice In Wonderland theme, where all the guests were deliberately induced with psychoactive micropsia just to make the whole blasted thing more bearable.

What did Ashlee Simpson wear to her wedding? Truth be told we don’t care. Did either Ashlee Simpson or Pete Wentz have the joyful newlywed look about them at any point? We don’t care about that either. We don’t care because it turns out that Joe Simpson, Ashlee Simpson’s father and our new favourite person in the whole world, somehow made the entire wedding about him.

How? E! Online tells you how:

“It was magical and beautiful,” says the guest, who termed the whole affair “The Joe Simpson Show.” After escorting Ashlee down the aisle, Joe Simpson regaled the 100-plus guests with funny and touching stories of his daughter before performing the brief ceremony himself. The elder Simpson got choked up throughout the ceremony, as did Ashlee and Jessica. “They were all crying,” says the source. “It was very moving.”

Genius. Joe Simpson escorted Ashlee Simpson down the aisle, then rushed around and actually performed the wedding ceremony, which was held in his own backyard. Presumably there was a father of the bride speech as well, and we hear that the entire wedding reception entertainment consisted of Joe Simpson muttering to himself through a microphone in a corner.

Of course, we should have seen this coming – word has it that the wedding invites read ‘Joe Simpson presents Joe Simpson and the Joe Simpson family inviting you to the wedding of Joe Simpson’s daughter and Joe Simpson’s future son-in-law. Brought to you in association with Joe Simpson Joe Simpson Joe Simpson fear me fear me (ceremony conducted by Joe Simpson)’.

Joe Simpson’s having quite the time of it lately – not only has has been accused of splitting up Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo but he’s also been the main man at his youngest daughter’s wedding too. Truly, Ashlee Simpson’s wedding has to rank among the happiest days of Joe Simpson’s life, at least until science uncovers a way to create a exact female replica of Joe Simpson that Joe Simpson can marry in front of a congregation of alarmingly-aroused Joe Simpson clones in a church that’s an exact scale replica of Joe Simpson’s own rotating face. But this’ll do until then.

Read more:

Inside Ashlee and Pete’s Wedding – E! Online