Pop scamp Olly Murs has insisted that there’s nothing going on between him and his Xtra Factor co-host Caroline Flack despite there OBVIOUSLY BEING SOMETHING GOING ON BETWEEN HIM AND HIS XTRA FACTOR CO-HOST CAROLINE FLACK.
The Ex-Factor (hur hur) runner up has flatly stated that his flirty relationship with Ms. Flack is just that. Flirty and there is absolutely nothing going on that in any way involved nights of screaming passion where young Olly needs to “hold onto his stupid-looking trilby hat”.
Absolutely nothing.
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This morning, Matt Cardle will have woken up with the worst hangover in the world and a sticky hand after fingering multiple X-Factor backing dancers and groupies. However, we only need to cast our minds back to this time one year ago when we found ourselves in the exact same situation.
Geordie Joe McElderry had been crowned best karaoke singer, minus the manic sexual action.
Forgetting the whole childish Rage Against The Machine campaign, Joe was a dead cert of scoring a Christmas number one. That didn’t happen and for roughly eight months, he disappeared to record debut album Wide Awake. Read More >>>
So. Joe McElderry likes boys. Why people need to mention this is beyond us. We collectively like custard creams. Whatever. Anyway, Master McElderry (McElondonderry for those of a sensitive persuasion) is teaming up with Disney to make, quite possibly, the most sugary sweet thing since a kitten shat candyfloss in the shape of a love heart.
Yep, Britain’s cutesiest wickle croony-woony cherub is going to join the likes of Mickey Mouse, the Lion King, Tinkerbell and… er… Tron… to try and crack America’s big, fat-clogged heart.
What on Earth could they possibly want with him? Isn’t Ke$ha enough or something (the answer is always ‘no’). Read More >>>
Are you a Joe McElderry fan? No? OK, let’s lower our expectations – do you remember who Joe McElderry is?
Toothy kid. Won X Factor. Very obviously gay. That’s him. Anyway, Joe McElderry must still have some fans, because he’s been thanking them for supporting his brave decision to come out as gay, just 11 short months after everyone saw him on TV and thought “Wow, he’s gay”. And so he should – it just goes to show that sexuality is no longer an issue in modern Britain.
What’s more, it’s thought that Joe McElderry’s coming out will also have zero effect on his career. Thank goodness we live in a country where a person can stack shelves at Claire’s Accessories regardless of their sexual orientation.
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Christmas is a time for buying everyone crap presents at the last minute and screaming at the endless plays of that bloody Slade song.
But over the course of the last four years, novelty records have been replaced by the bland and tedious cover versions from the X Factor winner. This year it was Joe McElderry, who got to record the timeless hit The Climb by, erm, Miley Cyrus.
But not everyone wants to see X Factor collect the coveted Christmas number one. They’d much rather it was by some other funky musician like Cliff Richard or the return of Bob The Builder. Or Killing In The Name by Rage Against The Machine. And, as we speak, it’s on course to beat Toothy Joe. Even though all the swearing will make Baby Jesus cry.
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So that’s it. X Factor 2009 is finally over. And in Joe McElderry, we have found a worthy winner. Well, a winner.
Well, a winner by default. In truth, nobody was particularly crazy about Joe McElderry, but at least he’ll now get to realise his dream of always being known for singing a genuinely awful Miley Cyrus ballad, so that’s something. Remember the name Joe McElderry – not because he’s destined to become a megastar, but because it’s bound to eventually be the answer to the pub quiz question ‘What was the name of that funny-looking boy who won X Factor in 2009 and then almost immediately got dropped by his record label?’
Still, we’ve just come out of a gargantuan X Factor weekend, so let’s pick over the bones, shall we?
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So that’s the X Factor final sorted – Danyl Johnson has gone, leaving Olly, Joe and Stacey to duke it out next week.
But, hey, at least Danyl Johnson left X Factor on Michael Jackson night. Why Michael Jackson night? Well, our guess is that Simon Cowell recently watched 2012 and realised that if he could get enough singers to spin in their graves, he’d form a kind of elaborate gyroscope effect and stop the Earth’s poles from shifting like they did in the film. He does love the environment, that Simon Cowell.
But anyway, what you’re after is an X Factor recap. Here you go, then…
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Saturday’s X Factor was quarter-final night, and Lloyd was still in it. Weird, huh? Next week’s X Factor is semi-final night.
And Lloyd won’t be in it, which is clearly either brilliant or terrible, depending on whether you’re a screechy 14-year-old girl or not. Abut anyway, Saturday’s X Factor marked the moment when the contestants started to sing two songs in each episode. That’s excellent, because it means they can show off two sides of their personality – the side that can maul ballads and the side that can maul other songs. Excellent.
Anyway, you’ll be wanting an X Factor recap, won’t you…
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