Articles tagged with: Joe Jonas
Sorry Everyone On Earth, The Jonas Brothers Aren’t Splitting Up
Sorry. You were probably having quite a good day, weren't you? And now we've come along and trampled all over it. Or worse. Maybe you were having a terrible day. And maybe the news that The Jonas Brothers aren't splitting up will be the last straw for you. Maybe hearing this will be what finally pushes you to climb that clocktower so you can start systematically blasting away at strangers with a sniper rifle until you're inevitably taken out by a police helicopter. Either way, The Jonas Brothers aren't splitting up. In fact, The Jonas Brothers are so not splitting up that they've gone to the trouble of actually telling people that they're not splitting up. Sorry.
Sorry. You were probably having quite a good day, weren't you? And now we've come along and trampled all over it. Or worse. Maybe you were having a terrible day. And maybe the news that The Jonas Brothers aren't splitting up will be the last straw for you. Maybe hearing this will be what finally pushes you to climb that clocktower so you can start systematically blasting away at strangers with a sniper rifle until you're inevitably taken out by a police helicopter. Either way, The Jonas Brothers aren't splitting up. In fact, The Jonas Brothers are so not splitting up that they've gone to the trouble of actually telling people that they're not splitting up. Sorry.
Joe Jonas Splits With Camilla Belle, Sobs Like An Actual Baby
Like everyone else, we were praying that Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle would get married and have kids. We don't want to see them happy, you understand. No, it's because Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle have both got massive eyebrows and so their offspring would end up freakishly hairy, and we'd be allowed to chase it into the forest with pitchforks and torches as a result. But that dream is over - Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle have split up. Still, Joe Jonas took the news like a man - a man who openly weeps at his own concerts. Video? Oh yes.
Like everyone else, we were praying that Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle would get married and have kids. We don't want to see them happy, you understand. No, it's because Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle have both got massive eyebrows and so their offspring would end up freakishly hairy, and we'd be allowed to chase it into the forest with pitchforks and torches as a result. But that dream is over - Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle have split up. Still, Joe Jonas took the news like a man - a man who openly weeps at his own concerts. Video? Oh yes.
Taylor Swift Gets All Screechy About ‘Cheaty’ Camilla Belle
You may not have known who she was until yesterday, but Camilla Belle is basically a giganto-browed Angelina Jolie lite. This is because the Joe Jonas/ Taylor Swift/ Camilla Belle triangle of pointlessness echoes the Jolie/ Pitt/ Aniston saga fairly closely. Admittedly this theory doesn't hold up to scrutiny that well, because if Camilla Belle is Angelina Jolie then that makes her new boyfriend Joe Jonas Brad Pitt, and we all know that Joe Jonas looks too much like an anime lesbian for that to work. However, Taylor Swift is definitely Jennifer Aniston in all of this, because she's been gripped by a compulsion to publicly discuss her split from Joe Jonas as much as humanly possible. You see, Taylor Swift says that Camilla Belle stole Joe Jonas from her, and that he'd been cheating on her for months. Is it true? If we find one person who even slightly cares we swear we'll tear off both our kneecaps.
You may not have known who she was until yesterday, but Camilla Belle is basically a giganto-browed Angelina Jolie lite. This is because the Joe Jonas/ Taylor Swift/ Camilla Belle triangle of pointlessness echoes the Jolie/ Pitt/ Aniston saga fairly closely. Admittedly this theory doesn't hold up to scrutiny that well, because if Camilla Belle is Angelina Jolie then that makes her new boyfriend Joe Jonas Brad Pitt, and we all know that Joe Jonas looks too much like an anime lesbian for that to work. However, Taylor Swift is definitely Jennifer Aniston in all of this, because she's been gripped by a compulsion to publicly discuss her split from Joe Jonas as much as humanly possible. You see, Taylor Swift says that Camilla Belle stole Joe Jonas from her, and that he'd been cheating on her for months. Is it true? If we find one person who even slightly cares we swear we'll tear off both our kneecaps.
Joe Jonas Now Not Having Sex With Some Other Girl
For a boy who looks like a mutant hybrid between Sylar from Heroes and a drawing of a puppy, Joe Jonas seems to be a bit of a cad. Just last week, country singer Taylor Swift was rushing around telling anyone who'd listen about what a git Joe Jonas was for dumping her during a 25-second phonecall. But already Joe Jonas has decided to move on and sow his wild oats elsewhere. We mean that literally, too. Joe Jonas literally went out, bought a packet of wild oats and buried it in the ground. We didn't mean 'sow his wild oats' in a sexual way. Joe Jonas is a virgin, remember. A virgin. Oh, and also, Joe Jonas might be banging that girl from 10,000 BC.
For a boy who looks like a mutant hybrid between Sylar from Heroes and a drawing of a puppy, Joe Jonas seems to be a bit of a cad. Just last week, country singer Taylor Swift was rushing around telling anyone who'd listen about what a git Joe Jonas was for dumping her during a 25-second phonecall. But already Joe Jonas has decided to move on and sow his wild oats elsewhere. We mean that literally, too. Joe Jonas literally went out, bought a packet of wild oats and buried it in the ground. We didn't mean 'sow his wild oats' in a sexual way. Joe Jonas is a virgin, remember. A virgin. Oh, and also, Joe Jonas might be banging that girl from 10,000 BC.
Taylor Swift Gets Mean When Virgins Dump Her
Not having been dumped by a Jonas brother, we'd assume that it'd be a giant relief - because then we'd get to move onto someone who's not a toddler. However, Taylor Swift doesn't quite see it like that. Taylor was dumped by a Jonas brother last month, and she's reacted as any normal 18-year-old girl would - by making an internet video that slags him off, by doing radio interviews that slag him off and by sort of claiming that all the angry songs on her new album are about what a turd he is. Joe Jonas - for those of you who are able to distinguish between the Jonas Brothers and happen to inexplicably care enough to need to know which one dumped Taylor Swift, who we're presuming you know as well - has yet to respond to Taylor Swift's vitriol yet. Or maybe he has. To be honest we don't care enough to find out.
Not having been dumped by a Jonas brother, we'd assume that it'd be a giant relief - because then we'd get to move onto someone who's not a toddler. However, Taylor Swift doesn't quite see it like that. Taylor was dumped by a Jonas brother last month, and she's reacted as any normal 18-year-old girl would - by making an internet video that slags him off, by doing radio interviews that slag him off and by sort of claiming that all the angry songs on her new album are about what a turd he is. Joe Jonas - for those of you who are able to distinguish between the Jonas Brothers and happen to inexplicably care enough to need to know which one dumped Taylor Swift, who we're presuming you know as well - has yet to respond to Taylor Swift's vitriol yet. Or maybe he has. To be honest we don't care enough to find out.
