When Demi Lovato split from Joe Jonas, it all started going wrong. She ended up suicidal, self harming, developing an eating disorder and in rehab. It was pretty gruesome really, seeing as she was only about six years old or something.
We might have that completely wrong. We can’t tell these young stars apart. However, she had one person she could rely on – Colombian footballing legend Carlos Valderrama.
Recent reports noted that the pair were romantically involved, but alas, before we could all thrill at such an amazing union, it’s believed the couple have now ended their relationship.
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Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene have, crushingly, called time on their romance. What will us plebs aspire to now in matters of the heart. For here, we lie jaded, broken and listlessly twitching on our knees, wondering if true love even exists anymore.
It is gone, blown away on a cruel, tender breeze along with our hopes which are fading like the last lingering flickers of the day as the sun sets in all of our hearts.
And Joe Jonas (who may or may not be pictured right, we’ve no idea which clone we’ve featured) is totally not a great big gay. Okay? He’s not. He’s really not a massive gay. Just to clear that up.
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Because Joe Jonas was created by Walt Disney, he’s expected to live in a world that’s free of evil and full of McDonald’s toys.
However, Joe Jonas is in fact an actual human, albeit one brimming with eerily cheesy personal traits, so Disney has had to do its best to protect its creation and ensure that he isn’t led astray.
After singing bland songs to primary school children for years, Joe Jonas eventually had to grow up. He’s got those urges, and not the ones where you sneak biscuits in the middle of the night. But heaven forbid he does the dirty and upsets Mickey Mouse. To fend off women, Joe wears a special ring telling people he won’t blow his load until he gets married. However, it has been claimed that the whiny singer has already been busy in the bedroom. Uh-oh.
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Remember the Jonas Brothers? Of course you do. Giant eyebrows. No sex before marriage. Possible lack of sex organs.
You remember. Anyway, the Jonas Brothers lost some of their mojo when Jonas Brother The Elder decided to get married. And now that his eyes have been opened to the exciting world of monthly, perfunctory, emotionally-distant, missionary-style sexual intercourse, the rest of the band have become a bit of an afterthought.
But at least Joe Jonas – or Middle Jonas as everyone knows him – has still got it. Why, Joe Jonas has just split up with Demi Lovato from Camp Rock. Thank God – maybe this’ll mark a return to the old swinging, carefree, Bacchanalian evenings of absolutely no sex that we’ve come to expect from him.
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The main problem with famous people is that they have such trouble keeping their underpants on. Everyone’s at it these days. It’s all sex here, sex over there, more sex here again. Do an interview, have a bit of sex. Sing a song, then have sex. Go to an awards show, have sex with someone first.
The latest celebrity having sex with people who aren’t his wife is Mark Owen – the cute little gentleman from Take That. The one who looks like the main character in an imaginary film called Hobbits – Lost in Miami.
Only, whilst the funny little people in that movie would just wander around looking confused and overawed by everything – even everyday items like kettles, or ironing boards - in real life Mark has been busily showing strangers his penis.
So, with that in mind, we thought it high time to list some famous people who DEFINITELY would not cheat on you if you got married… Read More >>>
Sorry. You were probably having quite a good day, weren’t you? And now we’ve come along and trampled all over it.
Or worse. Maybe you were having a terrible day. And maybe the news that The Jonas Brothers aren’t splitting up will be the last straw for you. Maybe hearing this will be what finally pushes you to climb that clocktower so you can start systematically blasting away at strangers with a sniper rifle until you’re inevitably taken out by a police helicopter.
Either way, The Jonas Brothers aren’t splitting up. In fact, The Jonas Brothers are so not splitting up that they’ve gone to the trouble of actually telling people that they’re not splitting up. Sorry.
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Like everyone else, we were praying that Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle would get married and have kids.
We don’t want to see them happy, you understand. No, it’s because Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle have both got massive eyebrows and so their offspring would end up freakishly hairy, and we’d be allowed to chase it into the forest with pitchforks and torches as a result. But that dream is over – Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle have split up.
Still, Joe Jonas took the news like a man – a man who openly weeps at his own concerts. Video? Oh yes.
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You may not have known who she was until yesterday, but Camilla Belle is basically a giganto-browed Angelina Jolie lite.
This is because the Joe Jonas/ Taylor Swift/ Camilla Belle triangle of pointlessness echoes the Jolie/ Pitt/ Aniston saga fairly closely. Admittedly this theory doesn’t hold up to scrutiny that well, because if Camilla Belle is Angelina Jolie then that makes her new boyfriend Joe Jonas Brad Pitt, and we all know that Joe Jonas looks too much like an anime lesbian for that to work.
However, Taylor Swift is definitely Jennifer Aniston in all of this, because she’s been gripped by a compulsion to publicly discuss her split from Joe Jonas as much as humanly possible. You see, Taylor Swift says that Camilla Belle stole Joe Jonas from her, and that he’d been cheating on her for months. Is it true? If we find one person who even slightly cares we swear we’ll tear off both our kneecaps.
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