Joe Jackson - HecklerSpray

Michael Jacksons Impending Perfume Stinks (And Not Of Rotting Corpses)

June 13th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Remarkably, there have been bucket loads of Michael Jackson branded merchandise flying around since his sudden death in 2009. You might go as far as saying that some people are attempting to cash in on his name, not forgetting obvious tie-ins like unreleased tunes, which feature songs deemed not good enough to make original album cuts at the time.

But who are making these decisions that make Jackson a brand? His children are too young and it wouldn't be Janet Jackson, she's too busy trying to forge a successful career.

Digging a little further, it seems that Joe Jackson is the driving force making all the killer deals that see Michael Jackson appear on mugs and t-shirts. Though we've yet to see an image of his face on a packet of syringes or prescription meds. It seems however, that one imminent deal is looking dodgy; Michael Jackson fans will be dismayed to hear that the chance to smell like their idol has come into difficulty.

Joe Jackson Gets Cold Shouldered By Michael Jackson’s Estate

October 27th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

We live in a world where you can’t mentally and physically abuse one of your children without getting crossed off the will. Frankly, it’s unfair. If it wasn’t for those constant ass-whuppings, Michael Jackson would never have sung so good in the Jackson 5, right?

And now, poor ol’ Joe has seen all that hard work he put into absolutely terrifying his son half to death, thrown back in his face. All those long, gruelling hours threatening to kill him and tear Michael a new arse with the buckle end of the belt, now mean nothing.

That’s right. A mere 24 hours after Michael Jackson was crowned as the top-earning corpse celebrity, a California appeals court rejected a bid by Joe Jackson to challenge the administration of his son’s estate.

Michael Jackson’s Dad Clearly Wants Loads of Money From The Pockets of Michael Jackson’s Cadaver

September 3rd, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Michael Jackson fans love us writing about their favourite popstar. We pull their noses and they get to try and outdo each other with hyperbolic claims of infatuation and true fandom. We all prop each other up, like recovering drunks in a day centre.

Someone who loves Michael Jackson more than any of us is his dad Joe. Or, more accurately, Joe really loves those pennies that MJ earned in his life.

As such, Joe Jackson is now going through the courts to get his mitts on the moolah.

The Marriage Of Katherine & Joe Jackson Is Deader Than Their Cold & Clammy Son

August 21st, 2010 By Shawn Lindseth

Well that’s it. The one true Hollywood love story is coming to a close.

Also Katherine & Joe Jackson are calling it quits after 60 years of marriage. As we understand it the last straw was when Katherine caught Joe belt-whipping Michael’s corpse and telling it to rot better. Because that’s supposed to be what he did while the boys would dance – get it? See what we did there?

The elder Jackson marriage is reportedly so done that even Dr. Conrad Murray wouldn’t be able to resuscitate it. Not that he’d try, mind you.

Joe Jackson Blames Michael Jackson’s Death On His Wife

June 14th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

As shocking and sad as Michael Jackson’s death obviously was, at least one good thing has emerged from it.

Joe Jackson. Barmy old mad-eyed Joe Jackson. He’s just exceptional value as a human being. Whether he’s skulking around in the immediate aftermath of Michael Jackson’s death trying to promote CDs to the nearest camera crew or claiming that Michael’s estate needs to pay him $20,000 a month to cover his food and rent outgoings, Joe Jackson has been nothing less than a shining model of everything that’s brilliant about humanity.

Obviously since there’s just over a week to go until the first anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death, Joe Jackson will no doubt keep himself to himself for the foreseeable… oh, no, our mistake – he’s just said that Michael’s death was all the fault of his wife Katherine Jackson. Whoops.

Joe Jackson Needs Some Pocket Money From His Dead Son

November 9th, 2009 By Matthew Laidlow

Parents, we all have them. And we all have memories of them.

From the time you crapped yourself in a busy shopping centre to when your father started using swearwords in full conversation. Face it, we've all been there. Well that's unless you're a weird test-tube child and you were grown for scientific amusement.

Sadly, not all relationships between parents and their offspring can go smoothly. There can be a variety of reasons of this. In the case of Michael Jackson he objected to his dad Joe Jackson whipping the stuffing out of him. But time heals all and love conquers emotions. Or, if your son has raked in as much posthumous money as Michael Jackson, then time means that daddy gets an easy payday.

Michael Jackson Will Never Ever Be Buried

August 21st, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

Michael Jackson did not want to be buried. Everybody knows this – plus there’s no plot of ground that could possibly hold his greatness anyway.

On top of that – it’s common knowledge that in a 1987 Esquire magazine interview he clearly stated that upon death, in place of burial he wished his skeleton to be disassembled and turned into the world’s smallest roller coaster. As we understand it, his jaw bone was to be the car, and he envisioned mostly mice riding it.

Well whatever happens to his body – it’s not happening on his birthday. His funeral’s been pushed back again.

Michael Jackson: Joe Jackson Sadly Refuses To Violently Raise Kids

August 5th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

If one positive has come from Michael Jackson’s death, it’s probably the fact that it’s made Joe Jackson famous again.

Because, unequivocally, that man is a hero. Joe Jackson proved that, armed with little more than steely focus and a refreshing openness to emotional and physical torment, any normal child can transform into a quivering, tragic, drug-addicted megastar. And after Katherine Jackson was awarded custody of Michael Jackson’s children, everyone secretly hoped that Joe Jackson would work his magic on them, too.

But it’s not to be. Joe Jackson has promised to only intermittently visit and/or terrify the children. Spoilsport.

Michael Jackson’s Family Get Stuck Into His Will

July 22nd, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

They say that losing a child is the worst thing that can happen to a parent, but that’s clearly rubbish.

Look at Michael Jackson‘s parents. They’re living proof that the worst thing that can happen to a parent is losing a millionaire child who wrote you out of his will because you used to mercilessly beat him all the time. But Katherine and Joe Jackson aren’t going to let a little thing like the dying wishes of their beloved son stop them from getting rich, so they’re contesting Michael Jackson’s will.

They waited for 27 days, for anyone running office sweepstakes.

Joe Jackson Enslaves His Dancing Orphan Grandkids Or Whatever

July 14th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

As far as we can tell the only good thing to come out of Michael Jackson’s death is that he could now remake the zombie part of his Thriller video with a much smaller portion of budget allotted to the makeup department.

The choreography might be a touch less fluid, but still. In that context this whole unfortunate death thing is a Hollywood financier’s dream.

Joe Jackson, allegedly, thinks some other lemonade can be made from the whole mess. He’s trying hard to convince MJ’s three kids to take to the stage in a worldwide tour sort of way.