Even though she’s got a body like the underside of a giant tortoise’s varnished stomach, Jodie Marsh is very happy with her new bodybuilder look. Very happy. Very, very happy.

In fact, Jodie ‘Oh Jesus Christ, It’s Like The Cuprinol Man Came To Life!’ Marsh is saying… with a completely straight face… that she’s feeling more attractive than ever.

Yes really.

Seeing as Jodie used to be a glamour model (now a woman clearly broken by the battle with Jordan/Katie Price/The Woman Who Made Peter Andre Cry), we should take note of her views on beauty. If anyone knows about all that, then it’s Jodie ‘Looks Like A Condom Full Of Conkers’ Marsh.

So now, we’ll all be wanting to look just like her, right?

Well, to achieve this look, we must follow her diet of egg whites and protein shakes while hitting the gymnasium, constantly.

Soon, we will all look like broken sideboards!

Says Jodie, with her massively muscular lower mandible:

‘I’m the prettiest I’ve ever looked’

‘If you’re not in the bodybuilding world it is scary, but to me it’s normal.

‘I think I still look really feminine.’

Jodie Marsh there, with her penis waggling around. And she’s going to keep this up. This isn’t some flight of fancy. Nosireebob!

‘I feel proud when I look in the mirror’

‘I still can’t believe it’s my body. Like, when I look at my abs, I’m just like, f*cking hell, I love it so much!’

Hands up if you can’t believe it either.

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That Amanda Knox lass and her apparently non murdering ways have grabbed all the headlines this week. Which is a shame as this whole murder in Perugia fiasco has completely overshadowed the return of Jodie Marsh.

Some new photos of Jodie, the suspected inspiration for BBC 3 smash Snog, Marry, Avoid, have surfaced that show the former glam… OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?!

Seriously. Click over the jump for the fright of your life.

That’s right.

Jodie Marsh has gone from a back alley slag with too much fake tan and her knickers around her ankles to…

…well…

…the incredible hulk with too much fake tan and her knickers around her ankles.

Jodie’s apparently been lifting weights for a while in a bid to shed the pounds, but has taken it to the extreme so that she could compete in the Natural Physique Association British Championships.

Although we can’t help but notice that there are two very obvious parts of her physique that aren’t natural.

As ridiculous as she may look now, we can’t help but admire Jodie for her determination to lose weight and get fit for absolutely no prof…

Oh, she’s got a new show out called Jodie Marsh: Bodybuilder? Of course she has, at least it’s better than that time she tried got get married on MTV.

As you were.

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Ladies and gentlemen, may we present Josh Burt from the staggeringly good Interestment.co.uk…

Whilst the legal implications are slight, everyone knows that copycatting is disgusting, an insult to humanity – and yet it goes completely unpunished. Every day, you probably stroll past two, perhaps three, copycats on a simple trip to a local shop for some condoms.

Well, enough is enough. We have scoured the history books, and discovered the four most despicable copycatting crimes of the last fifty years…

1 – The Rolling Stones, 1967

1967 was considered by many to be The Beatles‘ finest hour. They’d spent the preceding months going on zany psychedelic trips to find the most far-out sounds in the stratosphere, and emerged brandishing the Sergeant Pepper album. The world went totally bananas. That was July. By December, the Rolling Stones had unleashed their floppy imitation, Their Satanic Majesties Request, which came complete with songs about rainbows, and a picture on the sleeve of the bandmembers done up like Grand Wizards in the KKK sitting in a weird fairy tale kingdom. As accurate an interpretation of the hippy era as putting on a fedora and insisting you’re a cowboy.

Interestingly, it was the only album they ever produced themselves.

2 - Rocky II, 1979

On the back of the success of the first Rocky came this – exactly the same film. The first one found the moronic beefcake, played to perfection by Sly Stallone, go the distance with Apollo Creed, against the odds. At the end he loses, but he’s a winner because he tried. He starts bellowing “Adrian” from the corner of his mouth. In this one, against the odds he goes the distance against Apollo Creed, but WINS, and starts yelling something to Adrian from the corner of his mouth. By the last one, Adrian was dead. Of shame perhaps?

3 – Fame Academy, 2002

A year behind Pop Idol, and yet almost exactly the same, the BBC tried to fool everyone that Fame Academy was actually classier, because it had the word Academy in the title. And, look, it’s set in some kind of mansion. Oh, and our contestants aren’t contestants at all – they’re students. Students living in a mansion. Students who included series one winner smarmy David Sneddon, and series two winner Alex Parks, a diminutive lesbian who triumphed despite sounding precisely like a foghorn talking to a trumpet. Lemar aside, this had no redeeming features, while Pop Idol was never anything short of totally brilliant. Hang your head, so-called Mr BBC.

4 – Jodie Marsh, 1978 -

It’s hard to know where Jodie Marsh begins and ends, she is a walking amalgamation of some of the worst celebrities ever churned from the conveyor belt. She has spent years copycatting the most vile UK celebs, and has now morphed into a freakish fusion of Danielle Lloyd, Jordan, Jade Goody, and, most recently, Amy Winehouse with her sudden lust for tattoos. Only in Jodie’s case, the tatts were seemingly penned by a nervous asthmatic, working hurriedly from his garage. They’re completely awful.

Like that, did you? Then go over to Interestment immediately. Josh has got this sort of stuff coming out the wazoo.

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In what can only be described as another attempt to gain some publicity and prove she’s still relevant to society, Jodie Marsh has decided to become a lesbian. No, we don’t really care either.

But wait! The craziness of Jodie Marsh gets even, er… better. The woman shaved her lover’s initials into her scalp. Now the whole world knows how much of a loved-up dyke she is! But, really, is that the best you can do, Jodie? Sculpting the letters into her pubes would have caused us to maybe bat our eyelids for a few seconds at least.

But without a man around, who will open her jars of mustard or change her lightbulbs? No-one, that’s who. Girls can’t do those sorts of things. Nor can they get themselves pregnant. That’s why Jodie is calling upon all bloke/perverts to masturbate furiously into a baked bean tin and send the results to her in the post.

Don’t get us wrong, we love to help people when we can. Just the other day a woman asked us if we thought she looked fat in a dress. Not wanting to lie and be cast in eternal sin, we simply told the truth and said “Yes, it looks like you’ve nicked the curtains from someone’s front room. Best give them back before the owners notice and burglars see what they’ve got in their front room.” Oddly, this response didn’t go down too well. One slapped face later, we learnt a harsh lesson in life – there’s the ‘truth’ and then there’s the truth that all women want to believe.

So why has Jodie Marsh, the poor man’s Jordan, got all upset with men and decided to give lady-love a bash? It seems strange, as only a year ago she happily starred in a show for MTV called Jodie Marsh: Who’ll Take Her Up The Aisle? You probably won’t remember it – it was utter gash – but she used the show to audition men to marry her. A process that went disastrously wrong for her, because no sane people wanted to take up the offer. Just tramps and dirty old men in trench coats.

According to Digital Spy, her decision to become a rug-muncher isn’t down to her own wishful thinking. In typical fashion, it’s the fault of every man in the world. So, let us take this chance to apologise for every bloke on the planet – even for Danny Dyer – and say sorry. Jodie said to someone who probably didn’t care:

“I can see why women turn lesbian, because you get to the point where you’re sick of hearing so much f***ing bull***t, so you start to look elsewhere.”

So Jodie Marsh is a lesbian. But why she wants sperm sent to her remains unanswered. We assume she’ll be using a turkey baster to make some sort of hideous offspring, but we can’t be entirely sure. Maybe deep underground her Essex mansion she plans to create an army of creatures that will enslave all mankind.