You people have lost heart – after ironically keeping John Sergeant on Strictly Come Dancing forever, you couldn’t even do the same for Jodie Kidd.

Last night Jodie Kidd became the latest contestant to be eliminated from Strictly Come Dancing. Her jive to Great Balls Of Fire was filled with strangulation, piggybacks and enough lyric-mouthing to fill a million soul-destroying YouTube video, but that couldn’t stop it looking like either the climax to Godzilla Vs King Kong or a wildly malfunctioning piece of construction machinery. Still, Strictly Come Dancing‘s loss is the world of drug dealing’s gain. Allegedly.

But now Jodie Kidd is out of Strictly Come Dancing, who’ll win? Here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Lisa Snowdon…

Lisa Snowdon – Amid all the kerfuffle about John Sergeant, last week’s Strictly Come Dancing quietly proved one other small fact – that the British public doesn’t love Lisa Snowdon nearly as much as Lisa Snowdon loves Lisa Snowdon. But being in the Strictly Come Dancing dance-off only spurred Lisa on to do better at her routine on Saturday – a Quickstep to a mind-bogglingly bad song that sounded like it should have been on the soundtrack to a third division straight to DVD Steve Guttenberg movie from 1986. Was the dance OK? Yes it was. But only OK – for a quickstep it was sort of slow and soft, but that didn’t stop the Strictly Come Dancing judges from doing their traditional dance-off praise overcompensation, by saying “You need to keep a lovely posture, with a lot going on below… and they managed it beautifully. Very, very good.” What’s far more interesting than any of that, though, is that Lisa Snowdon’s nan left a video message of support for Lisa during training, and it made Lisa Snowdon cry. Why did it make you cry, Lisa? Is it because you never visit your nan? Is it because you’re too busy dressing up a mentally-distressed circus clown and trying to get your hands back down George Clooney‘s pants? Is it? Bad Lisa Snowdon. Bad! Strictly Come Dancing score – 35

Tomorrow: the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Christine Bleakley.

Highs and lows.

Folded:

• Knife coat hooks (ideal for rented accommodation. Flat inspection coming up? Put ‘em everywhere!)
• Call of Duty: World at War (already?! When did this come out? Is it any good?)
• ‘Ample’ Jodie Kidd (recently accused of selling the white stuff, now looks as though she’d rather sell you a homemade apple pie instead. Winner)
• Special Forces Heroes on Five (a bit ‘boys own adventure’, but a well researched, if politically light series nonetheless. Ooh, hark at us!)
• The Bow Street Runners game (anyone remember City of Vice from ten months back? Would you like it to come back for a second series? Play this game on the Channel 4 website and show those producers you care)

Creased:

• Namyslow Plum Beer (if you just can’t take your real ale then buy this instead. It looks like the real thing but tastes of jam sarnies)
• Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (why do they keep putting this tripe on TV? It’s so shite it actually stinks up your living room)
• Not voting for Daniel on X Factor (where’s everybody’s sense of humour gone? Just vote for the ASBO druggie then, see if we care)
• The fella with too much money who bought this (pilchard)
• Peter Jones rocking out to his band Hamfatter on Dragon’s Den: The Peter Jones Story (puts us in mind of Alan Partridge, “Come back on, ELO, and carry on playing”)

Oh great, now we’re in for another week of bitching about John Sergeant – Cherie Lunghi’s out of Strictly Come Dancing.

Cherie was voted out of Strictly Come Dancing because her Cha Cha Cha to Play That Funky Music was a little bit hit and miss – for the first time in ages Cherie got her legs, and therefore her knickers, out in the dance, but it was let down by the way she just lurched from one pedestrian pose to another without anything in between. And in yesterday’s dance-off, the Strictly Come Dancing judges told her that they wanted to “see little bit more Wild Cherry coming out”. We’re pleased she didn’t oblige, because we’re pretty sure they meant her clitoris.

But now that Cherie Lunghi is no longer a part of Strictly Come Dancing, who’s going to win? Here’s part one of our Strictly Come Dancing recap for the week, for Jodie Kidd and Lisa Snowdon…

Jodie Kidd – Now that Strictly Come Dancing has shed most of its chaff, Jodie Kidd has never looked so precarious. That’s mainly because she’s started referring to herself in the third person – not as ‘Jodie’ but as ‘Jodes’. Honestly, animal torture would have probably endeared her to the public more than that. But as for her Strictly Come Dancing routine, Jodie Kidd performed a Quicktime to Big Bad Voodoo Daddy on Saturday. Since Jodie is so tall, the potential for massive audience-maiming limbflail was gigantic – but somehow Jodie Kidd pulled it off. The dance was fast and dynamic and fluid – even though she was wearing a dress so long you couldn’t really tell how quick her steps actually were – and the Strictly Come Dancing judges fell in love with her all over again, describing the dance as “Bright and light, like skipping across hot coals.” However, next week Jodie will probably have to perform a Latin dance, and then she’ll probably just thwack about like a baby deer on an ice rink until she gets sent home. Strictly Come Dancing score – 33

Lisa Snowdon – After riding so high in the Strictly Come Dancing rankings over the last few week, Lisa Snowdon had to slip up at some point, and that point came on Saturday. Lisa’s Strictly Come Dancing performance was a Samba to Rock The Boat, and she wasn’t getting it during training. Cue Lisa’s sisters barging into the studio covered in balloons and feathers, which was a mistake. We know that the Samba is supposed to be a party dance, but not necessarily a hen night party that ends in vomiting and a fistfight in a Wetherspoons car park, which is how the Snowdon sisters apparently interpreted it. And this bled through to Lisa Snowdon’s performance on Saturday, which just wasn’t particularly convincing. “There’s a tension inside of you, and you didn’t go with the flow,” the Strictly Come Dancing judges told her, and we can see their point. Lisa Snowdon undoubtedly lost marks because she couldn’t clomp around like a dead-eyed cyborg in the Samba, and that’s possibly what she’s best at. Strictly Come Dancing score – 30

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Christine Bleakley and Austin Healey…

It took four dance-offs, but it finally happened – last night Heather Small was finally booted off Strictly Come Dancing.

Due to something that’s either racism or an intense hatred of M People, depending on if you ask News Of The World or us, Heather Small’s Strictly Come Dancing Tango to Rebel Rebel just couldn’t cut the mustard with the viewers. Ironically, this was despite it being less offensively porny than her routine from last week, but admittedly that’s not hard – actual porn is less offensively porny than Heather Small was last week.

But now Heather Small is gone, who’s going to win Strictly Come Dancing? here’s part one of this week’s Strictly Come Dancing recaps, for Tom Chambers and Jodie Kidd…

Tom Chambers – If you read the newspapers last week, you could be forgiven for assuming that Tom Chambers smashed his skull into jelly on a brick wall during training for Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing Quickstep to A Town Called Malice, However, it turns out that all the froth-mouthed reporting was slightly off. Rather than an exploded head, all Tom Chambers ended up with was a scratch on his arm and enough concussion to make him pull an impressive array of hopelessly unsuitable faces during his routine. Although most of it was sweeping and dynamic, Tom was allowed his own little solo moments at the start and finish of his performance, in which he took the opportunity to spanner around like a kid off his face on blue Smarties. The Strictly Come Dancing judges told him that “it was like watching jumping jack flash. So on the timing – unbelievable.” Sadly they meant the 1986 Whoopi Goldberg movie Jumpin’ Jack Flash, which absolutely isn’t a compliment at all. Strictly Come Dancing score – 36

Jodie Kidd – If there’s one undeniable truth about Jodie Kidd – other than the fact she’s an unbearably posh idiot who got caught dealing cocaine once – it’s that on Strictly Come Dancing she’s good at slow dances and crap at fast ones. And, on this week’s Strictly Come Dancing, Jodie Kidd danced the Samba to an old Tom Jones song. And, as you would have guessed, it was crap. Jodie and her partner deserve some credit for trying to disguise how crap it was by lobbing gimmicks into the routine like crazy – we were particularly fond of the pretend maracas and the bit where Jodie’s partner thrashed furiously at her dress with his hands like he’d lost a contact lens in her minge – but in reality it was drab and halfhearted and the Strictly Come Dancing judges concurred, adding “you crucified that Samba, no real bounce action… limp.. very sticky rolls.” Strictly Come Dancing score – 23

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Austin Healey and Cherie Lunghi.

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We’re now halfway through Strictly Come Dancing 2008, which seems slightly absurd.

Have we really been watching Strictly Come Dancing for seven weeks? It’s seemed like so much longer than that. But at least now we’re on the home stretch – the part where the judges start pleading with the public to ditch John Sergeant and Austin Healey wins and ends up fulfilling his life dream as a result – appearing on A Question Of Sport slightly more often than usual.

But until then, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps of Saturday’s show, for Jodie Kidd and Lisa Snowdon…

Jodie Kidd – As a rah-rah posho, the thing that Jodie Kidd has most trouble getting a handle on is basic human emotion – it seems like the nearest she’s ever got to romance in her entire life is rubbing a horse while staring off mournfully into the middle distance. And since on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing Jodie Kidd had to have a go at a waltz, an attempt at romance was unavoidable. So to train her up, Jodie’s Strictly Come Dancing partner devised a Pride & Prejudice theme for the dance. While we figured that meant the dance was going to be over-long and boring enough to inspire thoughts of suicide in the Strictly Come Dancing audience, it really meant that it was going to be stuffed full of romance. Sadly it wasn’t – it was heavyhanded and gooey, and one Strictly Come Dancing judge compared it to a Mills & Boon book. In truth it wasn’t even that – at least in Mills & Boon you’re guaranteed some sex two-thirds of the way through to make up for the rest of it being so dreary. Strictly Come Dancing score – 31

Lisa Snowdon – Look, forget about the fact that Lisa Snowdon performed a Tango to La Cumparsita on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing. Forget about the fact that since the dance asked for nothing more than a lot of cocky glowering, it suited Lisa and Brendan down to the ground. And forget that the Strictly Come Dancing judges called the routine “A Tango of classic purity and beauty – truly irresistible.” Because we’ve noticed something really quite disturbing. In training for Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, Lisa Snowdon’s dad popped in for a bit of moral support. And he looks exactly like George Clooney, the man who Lisa spent a couple of years having sex with. Exactly like him. Ick. No, really. Ick. Strictly Come Dancing score – 35

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Cherie Lunghi, John Sergeant and Tom Chambers.

Here we are, the last of our Strictly Come Dancing recaps for the week. Exciting, huh?

Not as exciting as this Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, because this week each of the celebrities will be doing a different dance. Lisa Snowdon‘s going to do a Tango, Christine Bleakley‘s going to do an American Smooth and rumour has it that Andrew Castle‘s going to do an epileptic fit. Seriously, watch it on Saturday and you’ll see.

But now, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for John Sergeant, Rachel Stevens and Jodie Kidd…

John Sergeant – He might look like a big cuddly clump of mashed potato, but on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing John Sergeant had to perform a Paso Doble to the Rodrigo Guitar Concerto, so he had to drop the niceness and become a furious hardass for the evening. He fell a little sort of that target and ended up looking more either a) a little boy who’d just been told he couldn’t have any more pudding or b) a horse being attacked by some flies. The dance itself was a little odd – it had all the fiery drama you’d expect from a 64-year-old man who’s spent most of his life talking to politicians about the minutia of trade policies – but he did manage the impossible at the end, when he picked up his partner by her ankles and wrists and swung her around off the ground. The Strictly Come Dancing judges had to say something nice about, right? Well, um… “After all that marching Sergeant, you should be demoted to a private”. Let’s take that as a no. Strictly Come Dancing score – 21

Rachel Stevens - An apology. Last week we suggested that Rachel Stevens wasn’t very clever, but we take that all back. On Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, despite all her sulky boohoos in training, Rachel seemed to suddenly learn that for a girl to get a good score at a ballroom dance, all she needs to do is sigh a lot and look a bit vulnerable. Because, in her Viennese Waltz to Everybody Hurts, that’s exactly what she did. Rachel tucked her head into her partner’s chest and gazed her bloody legs off and, despite the routine itself being a bit perfunctory and flat, she managed to get a pretty good response from the Strictly Come Dancing judges, who told her that she was “wistful, sweet and charming.” As a result, Rachel Stevens got one of the highest scores of the night, but we don’t like to think it was for her dancing – we like to think it was because of all the awkward shots of Rachel’s gormless hairy-faced fiance not knowing what to make of all the unfettered romance going on right in front of his nose. Strictly Come Dancing score – 32

Jodie Kidd – After last week’s surprising comeback, Jodie Kidd tried to take charge of the momentum she built up with a dramatic Paso Doble to Song 2 on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing. And for it, Jodie had to channel up as much anger as she was able to – almost as much anger as you’d have if you just realised that your cocaine-dealing sideline had been exposed by the Sunday newspapers. But in the end that was too much anger, and Jodie Kidd ended up alternating between angry thrashing, ferocious stomping and a weird bit of rudimentary semaphore that seemed to go on for about an hour and a half. It was almost the sort of performance you’d expect from a nutty old hasbeen on cocaine trying to get her career back on track, and the Strictly Come Dancing judges agreed, saying “You went so much for attack, the precision went.” The lesson is clear – Jodie Kidd is only good at slow dances. Or she’s an idiot and deserves to be voted out of Strictly Come Dancing at the earliest opportunity. One or the other, isn’t it. Strictly Come Dancing score – 26

Next week: So many Strictly Come Dancing recaps that you’ll want to cry. Literally cry.

How great it is that the male and female celebrities can now all dance during the same episode of Strictly Come Dancing.

It’s wonderful. Not only does it mean that we get to form a clear picture of what the all the dancers are like in comparison with one another, but it also means that we don’t have to put up with any more Strictly Come Dancing group dances. Because, honestly, we’ve seen more coordination in a washing machine full of hamsters.

Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Andrew Castle, Christine Bleakley and Jodie Kidd…

Andrew Castle - The thing about Andrew Castle is that his dance partner is so unstoppably booby that he’s bound to get through to the latter stages of Strictly Come Dancing. He’d have to do something really stupid for that not to happen. Something unbelievably stupid, like almost dropping his dance partner on the head or something. Which, funnily enough, is what Andrew Castle actually did on Saturday night’s Strictly Come Dancing – his American Smooth to You Know I’m No Good was just bewilderingly bad. That was mostly for the usual reasons – it was all raggedy and clumsy and Andrew Castle’s attempt at a smooth face is pretty much everyone else’s definition of a jail-rape face – but at the end, Andrew tried to pick his partner up, failed, and came thrillingly close to dropping her right on her nose. It could have been punishment for her relentless screeching at him during training, but either way the Strictly Come Dancing judges weren’t impressed in the slightest, saying that it was “More dazed and confused than American Smooth.” First headbanging and now a near drop? Next week’s bound to be awesome – we hear that Andrew Castle’s actually going to go on a stabbing rampage. Strictly Come Dancing score – 17

Christine Bleakley – Christine Bleakley probably works harder than any of the other Strictly Come Dancing contestants, because she trains all day and then has to go and present The One Show every evening. And, by God, we know that if we had to discuss cloud formations with Giles Brandreth every night we’d hardly have the get up and go to do anything but sob about the state of our life. But Christine’s heavy workload hasn’t had too much of an effect on her Strictly Come Dancing performances yet, despite moments of her Samba to Baila Baila Conmigo. Her partner was literally dancing at twice the speed she was, for example, and Christine was ginning so much that she looked like she had a handful of love-eggs stuffed up her chuff. But none of that affected her Strictly Come Dancing score, with the judges telling her that “Your smile lights up the floor, you make everybody want to get up and join in, and that’s a Samba!” But, hey, if you can smile sitting next to Adrien Chiles every day, you can smile at anything. Strictly Come Dancing score – 30

Jodie Kidd – During her previous go at Strictly Come Dancing, Jodie Kidd attempted to be sexy and failed to such an extent that most men would probably be able to bring themselves to completion thinking about the little girl from the ‘If you hit me at 40mph’ advert. But that all changed on Saturday when, despite being in possession of more square footage of limb than most people have in their entire street, Jodie Kidd managed to pull off a surprisingly elegant American Smooth to Witchcraft. It looked a lot more effortless and, for the first time maybe ever, we could understand why Jodie Kidd got paid to be a model. Of course, ballroom dancing should be exactly her thing, since she’s such a bloody rah rah posho-type, but the Strictly Come Dancing judges were effusive with their praise anyway, saying “That was absolutely your best dance.” The bloody posho. Strictly Come Dancing score – 30

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for John Sergeant and Mark Chambers.

Jessie Wallace has become the latest celebrity to be voted off Strictly Come Dancing because, well, because she was a bit poo.

Jessie Wallace’s Strictly Come Dancing Quickstep to Help was so toe-curlingly tryhard that it was less of a dance and more of a painful retelling of the third act of A Doll’s House. And if that wasn’t bad enough, she had a great big weepy tantrum about it afterwards that left her face looking like either an orange panda or an expressionist painting of a rotted tangerine.We can’t decide which.

But now Jessie Wallace is out of Strictly Come Dancing, who’s going to win? Here’s part one of this week’s Strictly Come Dancing recap, for Christine Bleakley and Jodie Kidd…

Christine Bleakley – The worst thing you can be on Strictly Come Dancing is confident, because chances are it’ll come back and smack you in the face in the from of the squishy Scouse judge screeching bad alliterative insults at you, and that’s what happened to Christine Bleakley on Saturday. She spent the entire week leading up to Saturday’s Quickstep to She’s So Lovely bouncing around all full of herself like Scrappy Doo, only to end up sort of buggering it up. True, it was perky and cheeky and everything, but all her enthusiasm took away from her poise and precision, and the Strictly Come Dancing judges told her that she “didn’t quite have quite the sparkle” that everyone wanted. Having said that, it’s abundantly clear that Christine Bleakley fancies her Strictly Come Dancing partner like mad – so at least it’ll set up a furious man-on-man topless fistfight between him and Adrian Chiles, which is something. Strictly Come Dancing score – 26

Jodie Kidd – On Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, Jodie Kidd decided to go for a Rumba to I Just Can’t Stop Loving You. That’d be good, except for the twin facts that a) Rumbas are sexy dances and b) Jodie Kidd is roughly as sexy as a bucket of offal. That meant that her Strictly Come Dancing routine this weekend was a textbook example of wild overcompensation. Jodie wasn’t so much ‘sexy’ as ‘pissed-up streetwhore’ and that sort of shone through. Our calculations show that, of their whole 90 second routine, Jodie and her partner spent approximately 65 seconds rubbing each other’s faces in a hamfisted approximation of lust, 10 seconds putting everyone off their tea by kissing each other and the remaining 15 seconds just sort of standing around doing the air lasso. The Strictly Come Dancing judges picked up on this, calling the routine “almost pornographic” although, to be fair, they were actually referring to Jodie’s partner’s obscene man-cleavage. Strictly Come Dancing score – 22

Tomorrow - Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Heather Small and Cherie Lunghi.

We’ve just realised – Strictly Come Dancing and Dancing With The Stars are both on at the same time this year.

And Len Goodman and Bruno Tonioli are judges on both shows. That’s brilliant – they’ve got to spend about three months flying backwards and forwards to America every couple of days. You know what this means – by the end of Strictly Come Dancing they’ll both be living in a mindless, timezone-free, complimentary peanut-gorged state of catatonia. Maybe one of them will even go out on the stab. We should keep an eye on this.

Anyway, here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Jodie Kidd…

Jodie Kidd – Weirdly enough, Jodie Kidd’s Strictly Come Dancing intro didn’t feature her saying “I’m probably best known for getting caught dealing cocaine by the News Of The World a couple of years ago.” Instead her intro was more about polo and golf and horses and rah rah rah rah snore. However, being 15 feet tall, Jodie Kidd already has a handicap when it comes to Strictly Come Dancing. Well, a handicap or an iron-clad excuse when she eventually buggers everything up. Anyway, Jodie Kidd’s opening Strictly Come Dancing routine was a Foxtrot to I Got The World On A String that was so completely unremarkable that it barely existed. Honestly, we could have been watching a pile of bricks or a picture of a goose instead. In fact, we might have been. That could explain our confusion, actually. Strictly Come Dancing score – 25

Tomorrow – the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Heather Small and Rachel Stevens.