Remember when Mel Gibson was a Beaverless actor who wasn’t thought of as a racist, woman slapping basket case? Remember those days? Everyone liked him and he was the only famous Australian in the world.

Sadly for Mel, there’s loads of famous Australians who don’t terrify women and have buck-toothed rodents welded onto their arms now, leaving him looking pretty daft indeed.

And this is all thanks to his very public and incredibly messy split with Oksana Grigorieva. She’s so hurt by Gibbo’s fall from grace that she wants $500,000 for the trauma it has caused. Not her though. She’s fine. It’s the trauma caused to her 14-year-old son Sasha who everyone is mercilessly bullying thanks to being associated with two humans who give us all incredible amounts of ammunition, mercifully.

Naturally, like any divorce starring a wealthy human, there’s an incredibly expensive custody settlement being fought over, which involves the pair’s daughter Lucia. She’s a baby and hopefully doesn’t know that her parents are a tagteam of berks yet.

Oksana, who Gibson confessed to giving a right hander to, has made it pretty clear that she’ll need a lot of money to go away.

One of the reasons is that she’s claiming that Mel traumatised the boy during an impressively nasty fight in January, which ALLEGEDLY ended in violence. Oksana claims Gibson knocked two of her teeth out, while Mel says he slapped her because she was out of control and was endangering their baby.

It’s obvious that Gibson’s new partner – a plush Beaver – is responsible for the friction caused between the two, whispering sinister instructions into the actor’s ear, such as Gibson’s apparent wish for his ex wife to be “raped by a pack of niggers.”

Beaver experts have long stated that the tree chewing rat/table tennis bat hybrids are the most racist creatures on the planet.

Perhaps the beaver was responsible for Oksana’s claims that Gibbo was so horrifyingly abusive to Alexander that he would often hide under the bed, crying. Or indeed, the beaver could be behind the allegation that Mel once threw her son onto a table, quite possibly as a makeshift land-dam.

We should point out, so that lawyers with no sense of humour who may be sniffing around us (again), that Gibson has pleaded no-contest to a charge of battery against Oksana Grigorieva and is currently undergoing a year-long course in anger management and domestic violence counselling.

The beaver, meanwhile, is not, as they are not answerable to American law.

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Would you believe it! The new Mel Gibson movie, The Beaver, isn’t getting too great a reception, taking in a paltry £64,000 at the box office. Seriously. Charlie Sheen spends that on coke before he’s even had his breakfast.

And the producer of the film, Jodie Foster, can’t quite fathom what is to blame for the lukewarm response.

Could it be something to do with the fact that the public’s general consensus of Gibson is that he’s a wife-slapping, Jew-hating, N-bomb dropping nutter who is thoroughly dislikeable in every single way and that, perhaps she may have had more joy if she’d cast Robert Mugabe in the lead role? Well, this totally isn’t the case if you ask Foster.

Jodie says:

“[The Beaver]‘s designed to do something different. And very often Americans are not comfortable with [that].”

Aaaah! So it is the fault of American cinema audiences! It seems pretty obvious now! America really doesn’t like experimental film making do they? Like The Blair Witch Project. Like Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind. Like Memento.*

Americans HATED those films didn’t they?

Of course, Foster expects The Beaver to get a nicer reception from European audiences. Well, we are hugely xenophobic and knock our spouses about, so we don’t hate Gibson like those good, upstanding Americans do.

This comes on the back of Jodie’s mealy-mouthed reasons for casting Gibson in the first place.

“I think the first order of business is to say who’s the right actor for the role. And especially at this point I can’t think of anybody else but Mel. He was definitely the first on my list. He’s somebody that really understands how to handle humour and the lightness and the charm of the character, but also has a deep understanding of the struggles and that he would keep his feet firmly placed in the drama.”

Yes, yes, yes, but what about Mel’s personal problems (aka, him being more mental than a laughing haddock)? Unbelievably, Foster says that she had “no inkling” of these problems while they were shooting her movie, which means that Jodie Foster can now add the skill of being able to stick her entire head up her colon for months on end to her CV.

Well done you.

*Feel free to show yourself to be the hideous movie nerd that you are by disagreeing with the choices of films and proffering others which are more successful and out-there.

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Mel Gibson. It’s the measure of a man’s charm when you can behave as badly as he has and still be quite so popular. On the one alleged hand you have alleged infidelity, alleged domestic abuse, alleged anti-semitism, alleged alcoholism, and the first mainstream S&M film to claim the moral high ground.

On the other hand you have Mad Max 2 and drunkenly calling a cop ‘sugar tits’, which whilst being morally repugnant, was comedically pleasing.

Go on admit it. You’d like a call a policewoman ‘sugar tits’ wouldn’t you? Consequences and a century of feminist progression be damned!

Anyway the reason we have an excuse to talk Gibson again is that he has landed a role in The Hangover 2. How do we know this?

Because Jodie Foster told us.

Well she told someone and then eventually we found out. So what can we learn from this? Firstly, that they’re making a sequel to The Hangover, a film whose popularity bemused us since it was ‘quite funny’, but everyone else seemed to think it was ‘hilarious’.

Secondly, that Jodie Foster must also think calling someone ‘sugar tits’ is quite funny too, and she is an incredible woman on a lot of different levels.

According to Agent Starling, Gibson is “the most loved man in the film business” which would seem a bit of a stretch even taking into consideration his gift for introducing inventive breast-related insults into the common lexicon.

Tom Hanks must be smarting a little, surely? What’s a man got to do to achieve Gibson-like popularity? Perhaps he’s actually been doing a Joaquin Phoenix-style art prank the whole time (albeit one that wasn’t a complete waste of time). He’s certainly more convincing- he didn’t just grow a beard and get fucked up.

He grew a beard, got fucked up and made a movie in Mayan for god’s sake.

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Right, everyone needs to calm down. Get a nice sweet tea, run yourself a hot bath, sprinkle rose petals around the house. Allow your clothes to slide gently from your body, and dab sprinkles of baby oil onto your thighs. That’s it. Mmm, feel the soft breeze leaping and dancing around your underpants.

Now put on that Best of Alexander O’Neal compilation that was specifically designed to soothe you. And relax. Relaxed? Then listen carefully – there isn’t an Oscar curse. That’s right. Shhhhh…

Yes, it’s true that Sandra Bullock’s wholesome life partner MIGHT have spent a few long evenings smearing his podgy sausage hands all over a woman with tatts on her bosoms, but this could have been going on for AGES. Even during Sandra’s period in the desert when she was just another non-Oscar winner. A nobody.

As for the others – Halle Berry, Reese Witherspoon, Julia Roberts, the one who was a boy in that film about being confused – they were all probably just terrible wives.

Now wake the hell up, because here’s something really uplifting! It’s a handful of beautiful thespians who still have husbands/lesbian partners, despite winning an Oscar! See? There’s no hex! You’re so SWEET with your silly craziness.

Helen Mirren

Helen Mirren has been married since 1997, and she’s still married, even though she won an Oscar for pretending to be the Queen. Ahh, she was great in that film, she really caught the Queen’s hilarious mannerisms. Great performance. Just wonderful. Really really wonderful. Look, we’ll be honest, we haven’t seen The Queen, alright.

Frances McDormand

Despite having her marriage to Joel Coen (of Coen Brothers fame) severely tested when Frances McDormand won the Best Actress Oscar for her role as the police officer in Fargo, the pair managed to come through it all unscathed. So much so that they have a little boy called Pedro Coen.

Jodie Foster

Jodie Foster has won a couple of Oscars, and no one seems to be going on about how she was then forced to somehow navigate a bitter divorce from her husband. Granted, this might be because Jodie Foster is a lesbian. But still.

Meryl Streep

If any woman’s name is synonymous with the Best Actress Oscar, it’s Meryl Streep’s. She’s been nominated 53 times. And yet, in all that time, she has continued to enjoy a wonderful sexual union/marriage with a sculptor called Don Gummer. Even when she actually won one, in the early 1980s, the pair somehow managed to not get divorced.

Jessica Tandy

For those who can’t quite remember, Jessica was the cabbage-faced star of Driving Miss Daisy – the tale of an old biddy learning all about racism from Morgan Freeman. It won her an Oscar, which she somehow managed to accept, without then quietly informing her husband of fifty years that, actually, it’s over. The pair continued to be married right up until she died.

This was a guest post by Josh Burt from Interestment Comedy. Woo.

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All of a sudden everyone’s bisexual, everyone.

The Big Brother people, Megan Fox, the one from Black Eyed Peas – everyone. Unfortunately, we’re not impressed one jot, because, frankly, being bisexual is a doddle. The ones we really look up to are the lesbians. And to prove it, here’s a list of the greatest lesbians walking the earth…

Jodie Foster

Jodie Foster kept us all umming and ahhing for years about the state of her lesbianism, before casually outing herself during an awards ceremony acceptance speech. It was a move akin to OJ Simpson admitting murder at a parent’s evening. She gives lesbians a good name by not conforming to dungareed stereotypes, and having an air about her that suggests bisexuality is totally out of the question. Women only for this chick, fellas.

Martina Navratilova

Of course, now we all know that at least fifty per cent of women tennis players are actually married or going out with one another, but it took Martina to open our eyes to the sexual side of the lady’s tour. In amongst the drippy young things with their fluttering eyes and puff ball skirts, there she was, steely eyed, and cock out. Metaphorically speaking.

Cynthia Nixon

Otherwise known as the ginger one from Sex in The City, Cynthia was probably fourth choice to most regular viewers. Unless, of course, you happen to be a lesbian, in which case she probably topped the list. Why? Because she’s a bloody great big lesbian, just like you are. Although she’s a ginger one.

Alex Parks

For those who can’t remember, Alex was the foghorn voiced lesbian who won Fame Academy a few years ago. She is a fine example of a lesbian who managed to break free from the shackles of her youth, and shine like a bright lesbian star. Unfortunately, that star has totally faded, and now she’s just another washed up lesbian who could have had it all, but has nothing. Just her lesbian friends, and her own lesbianism.

Sinead O’Connor

The lesbian jury is still out on the extent of Sinead O’Connor’s lesbianism. She’s been married more than once to BLOODY MEN, she’s had something like four kids. But in an interview in 2000, she said “I actually am a lesbian.” Would a non-lesbian say that? Would they? We’re not sure.

Portia de Rossi

Even though she’s got blonde hair and a great body, Portia de Rossi isn’t just being lesbian to turn her boyfriend on, she actually is a lesbian! In fact she’s so lesbian that she decided to gay marry Ellen DeGeneres, who is a famous American lesbian. Two lesbians. Married.

Lindsay Lohan

Child star, drugs, then lesbian. That’s your Lindsay Lohan.

To hear more from Josh visit interestment.co.uk

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Stalkers, it's time to raise your game – boxes of dead flowers and jizz-covered photos just won't cut it anymore, not now that Jodie Foster's stalker wants to blow up some airports.

OK, before we get too ahead of ourselves, let's make it clear that the man in question is only Jodie Foster's alleged stalker and that he's only been arrested on suspicion of threatening to blow up just one airport in a handwritten letter.

But either way, Jodie Foster gets all the luck, doesn't she. Never mind blowing up an airports, we'd be happy enough if someone just wanted to trump in a monkey's eye to prove their love for us.

Sometimes you just need Jodie Foster to show you how things are supposed to be done. Not all things, admittedly, just how to be a lesbian and scoring yourselves some top-grade wicked creepy stalkers. But that's enough for now.

Because in that last field alone Jodie Foster is world-class. Forget about throwing rocks into people's gardens or mailing lavender-coloured sex aids to prove that you like someone, when Jodie Foster gets a stalker they'll literally shoot the president of America in the stomach to prove it. That's what happened in 1981 when John Hinckley Jr tried to assassinate Ronald Regan in a bid to impress Jodie Foster, anyway. Flowers would have probably been more appropriate in hindsight.

And if one deranged stalker wasn't enough, it looks as if Jodie Foster has got another one. A man named Michael Smegal was yesterday arrested and charged with mailing a bomb threat – he too once had a thing for Jodie Foster as eFluxMedia reports:

Smegal had sent a hand-written letter to Van Nuys Airport and other local airports containing bomb threats, as well as references to Academy Award-winning actress Jodie Foster. Federal prosecutors said it was very similar to about 100 other letters mailed to people in the Los Angeles area since September 2007.  According to an affidavit by Boston FBI agent Joseph H. Altman, the letter that led to Smegal’s arrest yesterday had been addressed to Van Nuys Airport on Dec. 6; a single sheet of paper was found in the envelope which bore no return address, with the hand-written message “Jodie Foster S” and “going to be a gas bomb this building,” the Globe reports.

Why did Michael Smegal want to blow up an airport? Simple, according to an alleged confession it was because he though that the Screen Actors Guild had offices there, and he wanted to punish it for disparaging remarks it had apparently made about Jodie Foster. 

Now he's been arrested, though, Michael Smegal faces 10 years in jail. It's thought that threatening to bomb an airport only carries a maximum sentence of 18 months in jail, but having more than a small amount of passing professional respect for Jodie Foster carries and eight and a half-year sentence, so it all adds up.

But, really, who knew that Jodie Foster had such a furiously obsessive fanbase? To be honest we're a little scared of posting anything disparaging about Jodie Foster now, in case she has a secret third nutty stalker stashed away somewhere. So, for the record, we liked Jodie Foster in Silence Of The Lambs. And Panic Room. And Inside Man. And The Br… The Bra.. The Br… no, we can't do it. The Brave One was a bag of old cocks. Please don't bomb us, loopy Jodie Foster fans.

Read more:

Alleged Stalker of Jodie Foster Arrested for Bomb Threat – eFluxMedia 

You know Jodie Foster, that actress who you've always presumed to be a lesbian even though she's never explicitly stated as much in public?

Yeah, turns out she's a lesbian. At the Hollywood Reporter's Women in Entertainment Power 100 breakfast earlier this week, Jodie Foster decided that the time was right to bravely step out of the closet and admit her homosexuality to the world by dedicating an award to her same-sex partner of close to two decades. And Jodie Foster's lesbian announcement sent ripples of shock throughout the planet, or at least throughout the one remaining partially-blind pensioner from the remotest part of rural Tajikistan who'd never been able to work out why that lovely Jodie Foster girl had avoided settling down with a nice man for so long.

People always act surprised when actors reveal their hidden homosexuality, and really there's no reason to – hopefully by now we live in an age when we can accept that some of the people we see prancing around doing funny voices and pretending to be other people in movies with their faces caked in make-up might be a little bit on the gay side.

And yet it still takes some big stars years to admit their homosexuality. It's alright for Lance Bass or that bloke from Savage Garden to come out because they barely count as famous at all any more, but what if you're a genuine star? Wouldn't being gay hurt your reputation?

Jodie Foster doesn't seem to think so, because Jodie Foster has finally decided to publicly admit her 20-year lesbian relationship to Cydney Bernard. True, in most people's eyes Jodie Foster already had a bit of a lesbiany reputation, but she's always closely guarded her private life. Besides, after deciding to publicly support Mel Gibson after his Sugartits rant, Jodie Foster probably didn't think she had a lot to lose.

And that's why, at the breathtakingly-titled Hollywood Reporter's Women in Entertainment Power 100 breakfast this week – where she was the guest of honour – Jodie Foster decided to finally admit that she's a lesbian by dedicating her award to her same-sex life partner, thanking:

"my beautiful Cydney who sticks with me through all the rotten and the bliss."

At least we assume that Jodie Foster was thanking Cydney Bernard. She might have been referring to the Australian city of Sydney, or Sidney Poitier, or the regionally-brewed real ale Sid's Knee, the effects of which we assume she was feeling when she signed up to star in The Brave One.

But at least now Jodie Foster has publicly confirmed that she's a lesbian – and to a pleasantly indifferent reaction – she'll be able to carry on as normal. And that will be reflected in her new movie, a Panic Room-style thriller about a woman who can't stop crying because someone took her doggy-woggy away.

Read more:

Jodie Foster Reveals Her Lesbian Lover – News.com.au