Fact: you have been told lies all your life.

From ‘why, your home cooking is delicious’ to ‘no, seriously, season four of The Upper Hand on DVD is exactly what I wanted for my birthday’, fibs and fabrications have a habit of springing up like poppies on an abandoned battlefield.

Want to know the worst lie ever, though? The time a kindly teacher told you to work hard at school, with the encouraging lines ‘if you study well and get good grades, you’ll be able to do whatever you like in the future! Like get a job you really enjoy!’

Well – guess what? That’s a big bag of monkey bollocks. Chances are that your forays into the world of employment will be depressing, unfulfilling and humiliating ordeals interspersed only with the nightly wolfing-down of TV dinners and the tearful doomed-to-repeat-forever collapse onto your lonely, lonely pillow.

Oh – unless you’re these guys, of course. They, like, totally bucked the system.

What true American heroes.

They are forged in the harsh fires of the slums, where, before their big breaks, they are forced into lives of crime to support themselves and sometimes their over two dozen children. A former penchant for illegal drug sales is a popular topic they often thrown into verse.

Also, many of them often sing about a strong desire to enforce laws along side the man, and move inmates from cell block A to cell block B. In one case this appears to actually be true.

Rick Ross, an extraordinary rapper that we have never before heard of, used to be a prison guard. A photo of him in uniform has leaked – and he is denying absolutely everything.

Hecklerspray worked in a prison for almost a year and a half. We’d help the inmates bathe, we’d stand-guard over them while they slept, and occasionally we’d jump out of their underwear drawers first thing in the morning just to see their stunned faces. None of that was technically in our job description, but we love making murderers, rapists and various ethnic gang leaders smile.

Rick Ross knows the joys of working in a prison. He did it starting at around age 19, and pictures of him in uniform have just surfaced. This may have some serious implications for his music career, as much of his song content included details of a past criminal-infused life style.

According to the Smoking Gun:

“Apparently desperate to distance himself from any affiliation with law enforcement, the rapper Rick Ross has recently denounced as fake photos purporting to show him in a former career as a Florida prison guard. But Department of Corrections (DoC) records show that Ross, whose raps detail the Miami gangster lifestyle and his supposed days trafficking cocaine, did, in fact, work as a correctional officer for 18 months. Ross (real name: William Leonard Roberts) was appointed a prison guard in December 1995 at a salary of $22,913.54, according to the below personnel record, which was provided to TSG by Jo Ellyn Rackleff, a DoC spokesperson. The rapper’s social security number is identical to that of the jail guard.”

It seems like there’s a definite pattern recently of big tough rappers falling from ghetto-grace. Young Buck cried all over his telephone, and he wasn’t even holding a gun when he did so. His sissiness was completely un-canceled-out. Akon’s been proven prison-less recently too. Also, we heard he was only able to throw that one fan into the crowd with the help of wires and very small hydrolics.

Ross explains his dilemma away by saying somebody photo-shopped his teenage face onto a prison guard’s body. Look at the pic though – ain’t nothing photo-shopped about it.

We wouldn’t worry about it, Ross. Technically you can still sing about having been in prison. You can mention ‘cell bars’ in your songs, Just don’t mention what side you were standing on. For instance, maybe you can use something like this for your next album:

“As I stand here, looking through the bars, my gaze falls sweetly on the distance. Hark – a butterfly! Tis freedom’s emissary! Beckoning me heavenward!”

Well that doesn’t really rhyme or anything, but fill it with enough passion and nobody will notice. Also, maybe you could sing about the snack machine in the prison guard break room and the time you hit E-11, and the thing kept your money but didn’t drop your Fritos.

Kids love songs about Fritos. That’s gold, we tell you.

Trust us, it works like a charm. Just look at Lindsay Lohan. She couldn't get an acting job for toffee after she had all that rehab, so she decided to get her norks out in a magazine instead and – bammo – Lindsay Lohan's scored her first post-rehab acting gig, playing Charles Manson's sidekick in a movie by the producer of Barb Wire.

OK, so that first sentence should have read ' the best way to star in a film that nobody's likely to ever watch is to whap your boobies out' but it's too late to change it now.

Competitive place, Hollywood. One minute you can be on top of the world making film after film about ginger girls who wink at magical cars a lot, and then the next minute you've been arrested with cocaine in your trousers and thrown in rehab for about a year. Then what do you do? After all, even when you're a cocaine-ravaged mess there's always a younger, hotter cocaine-ravaged mess waiting to take your place.

Lindsay Lohan's got the right idea – the second she left rehab Lindsay Lohan knew that the only way she'd ever get work again was to stay in the public eye. She didn't care how that happened, Lindsay was game for anything. Endless non-revelatory interviews about herself, naked photoshoots masquerading as art, tawdry internet sex tapes – anything that kept her name in producers' minds. And we'll be blowed if this tactic hasn't paid off for Lindsay Lohan.

Even though it was widely assumed that Lindsay Lohan would never get another acting job because people were scared that if they insured her she'd fall down drunk in a puddle or start frenzidly rutting a tripod on the first day of shooting, Lindsay Lohan has apparently got her first role since leaving rehab, as one of Charles Manson's pals. E! Online reports:

E! News has learned exclusively that Lindsay Lohan has signed on to star as Nancy Pitman, once a loyal member of Charles Manson's not-so-merry band, in the movie Manson Girls. The film's producer, Brad Wyman of Junction Films, confirmed the casting coup. "Yes, I am doing it with Lindsay," he tells E! News. A source familiar with the deal says that despite the fact that Lohan has had some recent brushes with the law and just completed rehab, "the production company is insuring her for the film."

If Lindsay Lohan playing the friend of a notorious murdery weirdo sounds familiar, then that might be because this Charles Manson film sounds a lot like that Bobby Kennedy movie of hers that nobody watched or the Mark Chapman film of hers that's just been released in America to horrible reviews. 

But don't worry if you think that, by making yet another drearily unpopular-sounding movie about a real life murder, Lindsay Lohan is just adding more nails to her acting coffin, because her Charles Manson film is bound to be more successful than her mark Chapman movie. It hasn't got Jared Leto in it, for a start – and that's usually a good gauge of a film not being completely awful.

Read more:

Lindsay Lines Up for Manson Girls - E! Online