Does anyone remember Charlie Sheen? We’ve not heard much from him since he starred in Hot Shots Part Deux. Is he alright? He’s not getting up to mischief is he? Of course he is. He’s currently the world’s most successful berk.

When Sheeno is not punching furniture, hoovering up bad drugs up his rapidly eroding nose holes, frightening women to tears in wardrobes and making outlandish claims about winning, he’s been the star of the very, very ordinary Two and a Half Men.

He got the chop from that after he called his old boss some lame names and everyone stared at him, effectively waiting for him to die while sandwiched between to listless porn actresses who were playing along with Sheen and enjoying the fleeting fame. And now, as the world yawns at each snippet of devalued gossip, it appears Charlie may be making a return to the sitcom.

That’s right! The in-no-way-tedious-news is that he could well be getting his Two And A Half Men job back, despite his increasingly forced odd behaviour and public slap fight with show executive Chuck Lorre.

Jeff Rossen of NBC News, who is obviously a man who knows absolutely everything (seriously, tweet him any question and he’ll answer it, no matter how ridiculous), reckons that Sheen will be offered his old job back by CBS who, presumably, are delighted at the amount of times the show’s name has been mention while everyone is on Sheen Deathwatch.

Writing at Twitter.com/jeffrossen:

“Sources close to Charlie Sheen tell NBC News, CBS has offered him his job back. Discussions ongoing. Not a done deal.”

“Per my sources: CBS is happy to to have Charlie Sheen back on show… if Warner Bros, Chuck Lorre and Sheen can settle differences.”

That’s an easy one to swing. Give him a suitcase full of coke, a machine to restart his heart and a couple of women with destroyed baby holes and he’ll sign up.

Betcha.

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The transfer season may well be over, but the biggest football transfer of the year has just taken place. That’s right, after having their contracts terminated by Sky Sports, public whipping boys Richard Keys and Andy Gray have signed for conference side talkSPORT, in a deal said to be worth roughly the price of a few Fray Bentos pies.

Gray and Keys, or to give them their proper names, Tweedle-Chimp (have you seen how hairy Keys’ hands are? They’re not HD friendly, that’s for sure) and Tweedle-Chump, are to host a new show every weekday from 10am until 1pm.

Presumably the show will primarily involve Gray and Keys explaining the off-side rule to female callers.

A Sky Sports mole, who wished to remain nameless, described news of the signing as, “unbelievable, Jeff.”

We’re not quite sure who Jeff is, but we let the rambling idiot continue, despite the fact he seemed oblivious to the fact Gray and Keys had left. “Really… are they gone?” the mole continued, “I must’ve missed that. I saw them go off but I thought they were bringing a sub on.”

Reports we just made up also state that Gray and Keys’ new show will feature a variety of special guests, which come in the form of legends of the game as well as respected football pundits.

Keys himself did hint at the fact some guests feature more regularly than others, he was heard to exclaim that during rehearsals for the new show, “you could have gone round there any night and found Redknapp hanging out the back of it.”

Gray has found the transition from TV to radio hard though. He’s become paranoid that, without being able to draw a mess of incomprehensible lines across the screen, his analysis of key match points will degrade into a series of strange grunting sounds and attempts to put the microphone down his trousers (with or without the assistance of the nearest female colleague).

With Gray, Keys and Stan Collymore all working for talkSPORT, you’ve got to wonder how scared both the female talkSPORT employees are getting.

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If there’s one thing this nation needs more of, its smug gits in business attire spunking away money that isn’t theirs whilst being rewarded with lavish amounts of champagne and opportunities to stab those who have irked them squarely between the shoulders.

Yes, that’s right, it’s week 9 of The Apprentice!

This week everyone’s favourite job applicants have the task of buying 10 rare items with a budget of £1500. Whoever spent the least won the task. Simples. There were obviously fines for failing to procure all the items or for not turning up to the boardroom on time, just in case anyone fancied playing fast and loose with the rules.

Sir Alan/Lord Sugar/The A-Train also decided to return to a boys versus girls format, so be prepared for lots of bitching and over the top macho posturing! HOORAY!

Synergy hit the ground running, project manager and world smirking champion Jamie took off on his own, leaving Chris, “all the personality of an investment banker,” Bates and Stuart, “Iceland own-brand,” Baggs to duke it out for the title of Britain’s dullest man.

Apollo, meanwhile, took the time to call ahead, finding out what their products were and where they could find them. When they finally did hit the road, they were able to get straight to their suppliers and bagged all 10 of their items with relative ease.

The only exception was Liz and Joanna’s late return to the boardroom, which was caused by them trying to haggle with a man who moved so slowly that, upon reflection, he may have actually been dead.

Apollo’s organisation and efficiency looked like a solid plan, which naturally meant they would go on to lose the task to Synergy, with their plan of randomly walking up and down streets in central London the vain hope that they just happen upon one of the items on their list, despite the fact they often had no idea what they were looking for.

Another key component of Synergy’s plan seemed to be the acting ability of Chris. Jamie asked his team to have a story ready to sell to suppliers that would allow them to get the best price and boy did Chris take this advice on board. Our lovable investment banker started making up bizarre stories about how he’d left items in Nottingham, or was going to a wedding in Scotland with his Nan whilst also bleating about how he had no money left.

There were only 2 problems with these stories. Firstly, none of them made any sense. Secondly, Chris was a sharply dressed man, accompanied by another sharply dressed man AND A CAMERA CREW. There was no way anyone was actually buying these stories, they just wanted to get him and his lively, investment-banker personality out of their shops before he made their heads explode with his ridiculous monotone lies.

When we got to the boardroom it was announced that the boys, despite failing to get all 10 items, had won the task. Which shocked Jamie so much he actually continued to apologise for his performance despite winning. Cue VT that sees the boys spend the weekend in Paris, frolicking in parks whilst wearing berets, oversized sunglasses and turtle neck sweaters.  It made you want to reach through the TV and throttle them until the twitching stopped.

That’s right, the boys got rewarded for their failure. The Apprentice has now officially become a bizarre hybrid parody of the banking sector.

The girls, looking like a bizarre corporate girl-band, tried to ditch Stella faster than Girls Aloud tried to ditch the Ginger one by subtly editing her out of their videos. But eventually it was 22 year old rah and professional glass ceiling dropper, Laura, that bit the bullet.

Let this be a lesson to you, if all you’re really good for is looking a bit like a horse and crying a lot, then an angry old man probably won’t hire you to be his assistant. Unless he’s a pervert.

BEST MOMENT: Tie between the surprise on everyone’s face when Synergy won and the audible groan when both Stella and Liz walked back in to the house.

WORST MOMENT: Liz trying to grab a pen out of an old man’s hand because he was taking too long to write a receipt. Classy.

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Fact: you have been told lies all your life.

From ‘why, your home cooking is delicious’ to ‘no, seriously, season four of The Upper Hand on DVD is exactly what I wanted for my birthday’, fibs and fabrications have a habit of springing up like poppies on an abandoned battlefield.

Want to know the worst lie ever, though? The time a kindly teacher told you to work hard at school, with the encouraging lines ‘if you study well and get good grades, you’ll be able to do whatever you like in the future! Like get a job you really enjoy!’

Well – guess what? That’s a big bag of monkey bollocks. Chances are that your forays into the world of employment will be depressing, unfulfilling and humiliating ordeals interspersed only with the nightly wolfing-down of TV dinners and the tearful doomed-to-repeat-forever collapse onto your lonely, lonely pillow.

Oh – unless you’re these guys, of course. They, like, totally bucked the system.

What true American heroes.

Rappers are often strong, bold men with a ghetto-earned prowess and a serious set of skills when it comes to rhyming various words with other various words.

They are forged in the harsh fires of the slums, where, before their big breaks, they are forced into lives of crime to support themselves and sometimes their over two dozen children. A former penchant for illegal drug sales is a popular topic they often thrown into verse.

Also, many of them often sing about a strong desire to enforce laws along side the man, and move inmates from cell block A to cell block B. In one case this appears to actually be true.

Rick Ross, an extraordinary rapper that we have never before heard of, used to be a prison guard. A photo of him in uniform has leaked – and he is denying absolutely everything.

Hecklerspray worked in a prison for almost a year and a half. We’d help the inmates bathe, we’d stand-guard over them while they slept, and occasionally we’d jump out of their underwear drawers first thing in the morning just to see their stunned faces. None of that was technically in our job description, but we love making murderers, rapists and various ethnic gang leaders smile.

Rick Ross knows the joys of working in a prison. He did it starting at around age 19, and pictures of him in uniform have just surfaced. This may have some serious implications for his music career, as much of his song content included details of a past criminal-infused life style.

According to the Smoking Gun:

“Apparently desperate to distance himself from any affiliation with law enforcement, the rapper Rick Ross has recently denounced as fake photos purporting to show him in a former career as a Florida prison guard. But Department of Corrections (DoC) records show that Ross, whose raps detail the Miami gangster lifestyle and his supposed days trafficking cocaine, did, in fact, work as a correctional officer for 18 months. Ross (real name: William Leonard Roberts) was appointed a prison guard in December 1995 at a salary of $22,913.54, according to the below personnel record, which was provided to TSG by Jo Ellyn Rackleff, a DoC spokesperson. The rapper’s social security number is identical to that of the jail guard.”

It seems like there’s a definite pattern recently of big tough rappers falling from ghetto-grace. Young Buck cried all over his telephone, and he wasn’t even holding a gun when he did so. His sissiness was completely un-canceled-out. Akon’s been proven prison-less recently too. Also, we heard he was only able to throw that one fan into the crowd with the help of wires and very small hydrolics.

Ross explains his dilemma away by saying somebody photo-shopped his teenage face onto a prison guard’s body. Look at the pic though – ain’t nothing photo-shopped about it.

We wouldn’t worry about it, Ross. Technically you can still sing about having been in prison. You can mention ‘cell bars’ in your songs, Just don’t mention what side you were standing on. For instance, maybe you can use something like this for your next album:

“As I stand here, looking through the bars, my gaze falls sweetly on the distance. Hark – a butterfly! Tis freedom’s emissary! Beckoning me heavenward!”

Well that doesn’t really rhyme or anything, but fill it with enough passion and nobody will notice. Also, maybe you could sing about the snack machine in the prison guard break room and the time you hit E-11, and the thing kept your money but didn’t drop your Fritos.

Kids love songs about Fritos. That’s gold, we tell you.

Forget what all those recruitment consultants tell you – the best way to stop being unemployed is to whap your boobies out.

Trust us, it works like a charm. Just look at Lindsay Lohan. She couldn't get an acting job for toffee after she had all that rehab, so she decided to get her norks out in a magazine instead and – bammo – Lindsay Lohan's scored her first post-rehab acting gig, playing Charles Manson's sidekick in a movie by the producer of Barb Wire.

OK, so that first sentence should have read ' the best way to star in a film that nobody's likely to ever watch is to whap your boobies out' but it's too late to change it now.

Competitive place, Hollywood. One minute you can be on top of the world making film after film about ginger girls who wink at magical cars a lot, and then the next minute you've been arrested with cocaine in your trousers and thrown in rehab for about a year. Then what do you do? After all, even when you're a cocaine-ravaged mess there's always a younger, hotter cocaine-ravaged mess waiting to take your place.

Lindsay Lohan's got the right idea – the second she left rehab Lindsay Lohan knew that the only way she'd ever get work again was to stay in the public eye. She didn't care how that happened, Lindsay was game for anything. Endless non-revelatory interviews about herself, naked photoshoots masquerading as art, tawdry internet sex tapes – anything that kept her name in producers' minds. And we'll be blowed if this tactic hasn't paid off for Lindsay Lohan.

Even though it was widely assumed that Lindsay Lohan would never get another acting job because people were scared that if they insured her she'd fall down drunk in a puddle or start frenzidly rutting a tripod on the first day of shooting, Lindsay Lohan has apparently got her first role since leaving rehab, as one of Charles Manson's pals. E! Online reports:

E! News has learned exclusively that Lindsay Lohan has signed on to star as Nancy Pitman, once a loyal member of Charles Manson's not-so-merry band, in the movie Manson Girls. The film's producer, Brad Wyman of Junction Films, confirmed the casting coup. "Yes, I am doing it with Lindsay," he tells E! News. A source familiar with the deal says that despite the fact that Lohan has had some recent brushes with the law and just completed rehab, "the production company is insuring her for the film."

If Lindsay Lohan playing the friend of a notorious murdery weirdo sounds familiar, then that might be because this Charles Manson film sounds a lot like that Bobby Kennedy movie of hers that nobody watched or the Mark Chapman film of hers that's just been released in America to horrible reviews. 

But don't worry if you think that, by making yet another drearily unpopular-sounding movie about a real life murder, Lindsay Lohan is just adding more nails to her acting coffin, because her Charles Manson film is bound to be more successful than her mark Chapman movie. It hasn't got Jared Leto in it, for a start – and that's usually a good gauge of a film not being completely awful.

Read more:

Lindsay Lines Up for Manson Girls - E! Online