Joaquin Phoenix - HecklerSpray

Lindsay Lohan’s Alleged Bang List has Been Revealed

March 13th, 2014 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

For the record, the word “alleged” would not be in the title of this blog post if this was 2004, because in 2004 Lindsay Lohan could 100% bang every major hunk in Hollywood. But it’s not 2004, so the word stays. In Touch magazine (if Us Weekly is Walmart then In Touch is like…Zellers or K Mart) is saying that back in January 30, 2013 Lindsay Lohan downed a bunch of cocktails at the Beverly Hills Hotel with her girlfriends and decided to make a list of all the people she’s banged.

First of all, I’m calling bullshit on this for a lot of reasons. 1) I don’t trust In Touch magazine because not even a Kardashian would sell them a story, 2) the list says she’s only banged 36 people which is nowhere near how many people I personally have seen her make out with (if you publicly make out with someone than you’re sleeping with them, right?), and 3) when you see the people who were on the list you are going to eye roll yourself into oblivion.

The Man Bun was the Real Star of the Golden Globes

January 14th, 2014 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

glamor

The Golden Globes are my favorite Hollywood awards show because it’s way less stuffy than the Oscars (everyone is drunk and has a sense of humor) and it mixes my favorite film and television stars, which is cool. As my lovely fellow blogger, Megan, discussed in her blog, there was many gems at this years awards ceremony, but there was one breakout star that can not be ignored: the man bun.

As a woman who does not feel like she has much talent when it comes to rocking up-dos (I either look like I’ve given up on life or a 12-year-old when I wear my hair up), I was green with envy Sunday night when I saw so many beautiful men rocking so many glamorous up-dos.

Joaquin Phoenix Faked Being A Rapping Nutter Says Director Of I’m Still Here

September 17th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Oooh. Joaquin Phoenix went mental didn’t he? He went from being a Stars In Their Eyes Johnny Cash to rambling bum almost overnight. Except, of course, that it was clearly a big con. It was all some Andy Kaufman style performance that waded straight into the theatre of squirmitude.

Naturally, all that surrounded the actor muttered about how this was all very real and that he really was being seriously with his terrible rapping and generally falling off stages.

And now, to put us all out of our misery, Casey Affleck has finally admitted in an interview with the New York Times that,. I’m Still Here is a mockumentary of Joaquin Phoenix’s descent from famed to mumbling tit. In short, they’ve been having some of you on.

Joaquin Phoenix To Star In Foot Fetish Film After Deciding That Being The World’s Worst Rapper Wasn’t For Him

September 10th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Remember Joaquin Phoenix? He’s the man you’d willingly kiss on the funny lip after he did his good impression of Johnny Cash! He’s the man that was a really good actor before he decided to become a rubbish rapper and bumbling mess on Letterman!

Yep, Phoenix announced in 2008 that he would be retiring from Hollywood to focus on his music career, but now, surprise-surprise, Mr Phoenix could be about to return to acting after presumably remembering what it was that paid his bills all those years.

But what is he going to star in? It isn’t as simple as that.

The Most Magnificent Celebrity Makeovers

May 6th, 2009 By Josh Burt

Ever since Plain Jane the Superbrain took off her glasses, smeared some slutty red lipstick around her mouth, and rubbed ice cubes on her stupid nipples, the celebrity makeover has been a must for anyone hoping to increase their fame.

For those unaware, the whole Plain Jane thing happened in the Australian drama serial, Neighbours. She went from geek to whore in a matter of moments.

It was astonishing. Completely astonishing. And it got us to thinking about what the greatest celebrity makeovers of all time might be. We narrowed it down to this small bunch.

Joaquin Phoenix In ‘Does Something Odd’ Shock

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Were Joaquin Phoenix to sit down, have a nice cup of tea and speak a full, clear sentence it’d be front page news.

But he hasn’t. Instead Joaquin Phoenix has decided to do something weird. You know, for a change. However, Joaquin Phoenix knows that dishevelled incoherency can only get you so far, so he’s added an extra layer to his shtick – possible violence.

Joaquin Phoenix decided to end a show in Miami last night by flinging himself into the crowd and possibly thumping an audience member. We never knew “please put me out of my misery” was such an effective heckle.

Director Takes Blame For Joaquin Phoenix’s Unravelling Mind

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

If you’re looking for a cause for Joaquin Phoenix’s erratic behaviour – other than Joaquin Phoenix’s innate dickery – then you could be in luck.

That’s because James Gray – the director of Joaquin Phoenix’s new film – says that he feels responsible for Joaquin Phoenix quitting acting, growing a beard like a French lady’s armpit, becoming a rapper and having a completely cuckoo loopy meltdown.

We’re still not convinced that Joaquin Phoenix isn’t hoaxing everyone, but James Gray makes a convincing point – if you spent six months staring at Gwyneth Paltrow‘s bare breasts, you’d be lucky to escape with all your marbles, too.

Joaquin Phoenix Goes On Letterman, Is Odd (Video)

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

It’s fair to say that Joaquin Phoenix is either a) playing an elaborate hoax on the world or b) a ludicrous whackjob.

Which one is it? Nobody can say, although it’s almost definitely the first one. So far, Joaquin Phoenix has quit acting for hip-hop, let Casey Affleck make a documentary about it, fallen offstage during a show – and now he’s just done a berserk, incomprehensible interview on Letterman too.

Of course, if this is all a hoax, we’re sure that it’ll have a very important point. Right now we’d guess that the point is ‘Joaquin Phoenix is a turd’.

Joaquin Phoenix Isn’t Taking The Piss, And That’s A Promise

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Joaquin Phoenix is living the dream – specifically a cheese-informed fever dream that makes no sense whatsoever.

But a dream nonetheless. How many of us have wanted to quit our jobs, grow a gigantic Unabomber beard and become a rapper under Diddy‘s tutelage? That’s right, none of us. And that’s why, from all logical perspectives, Joaquin Phoenix’s behaviour has to be part of a giant Borat-style prank on the world.

Except it isn’t. Despite recent reports suggesting that Joaquin Phoenix and Casey Affleck are making a spoof documentary about this together, Joaquin insists it’s completely real. We’ve never been so scared.

VIDEO: Joaquin Phoenix’s Rap Show Doesn’t Disappoint Anyone

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Joaquin Phoenix, we knew you wouldn’t let us down. Some may have dismissed your new rap career as a joke, but not us.

We know exactly what you’re capable of, and your debut show on Friday night in Las Vegas did us proud. But then again, Joaquin Phoenix rapping onstage after a career tutorial by Diddy couldn’t really be anything other than spectacular.

And the result – a bearded man shouting incomprehensible rubbish like a homeless tramp screaming at his own reflection and then falling off the stage – was the dictionary definition of spectacular. Joaquin Phoenix, you’re our hero. Video? Yes, there’s video.