Oooh. Joaquin Phoenix went mental didn’t he? He went from being a Stars In Their Eyes Johnny Cash to rambling bum almost overnight. Except, of course, that it was clearly a big con. It was all some Andy Kaufman style performance that waded straight into the theatre of squirmitude.
Naturally, all that surrounded the actor muttered about how this was all very real and that he really was being seriously with his terrible rapping and generally falling off stages.
And now, to put us all out of our misery, Casey Affleck has finally admitted in an interview with the New York Times that,. I’m Still Here is a mockumentary of Joaquin Phoenix’s descent from famed to mumbling tit. In short, they’ve been having some of you on. Read More >>>
Remember Joaquin Phoenix? He’s the man you’d willingly kiss on the funny lip after he did his good impression of Johnny Cash! He’s the man that was a really good actor before he decided to become a rubbish rapper and bumbling mess on Letterman!
Yep, Phoenix announced in 2008 that he would be retiring from Hollywood to focus on his music career, but now, surprise-surprise, Mr Phoenix could be about to return to acting after presumably remembering what it was that paid his bills all those years.
But what is he going to star in? It isn’t as simple as that. Read More >>>
Ever since Plain Jane the Superbrain took off her glasses, smeared some slutty red lipstick around her mouth, and rubbed ice cubes on her stupid nipples, the celebrity makeover has been a must for anyone hoping to increase their fame.
For those unaware, the whole Plain Jane thing happened in the Australian drama serial, Neighbours. She went from geek to whore in a matter of moments.
It was astonishing. Completely astonishing. And it got us to thinking about what the greatest celebrity makeovers of all time might be. We narrowed it down to this small bunch.
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Were Joaquin Phoenix to sit down, have a nice cup of tea and speak a full, clear sentence it’d be front page news.
But he hasn’t. Instead Joaquin Phoenix has decided to do something weird. You know, for a change. However, Joaquin Phoenix knows that dishevelled incoherency can only get you so far, so he’s added an extra layer to his shtick – possible violence.
Joaquin Phoenix decided to end a show in Miami last night by flinging himself into the crowd and possibly thumping an audience member. We never knew “please put me out of my misery” was such an effective heckle.
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If you’re looking for a cause for Joaquin Phoenix’s erratic behaviour – other than Joaquin Phoenix’s innate dickery – then you could be in luck.
That’s because James Gray – the director of Joaquin Phoenix’s new film – says that he feels responsible for Joaquin Phoenix quitting acting, growing a beard like a French lady’s armpit, becoming a rapper and having a completely cuckoo loopy meltdown.
We’re still not convinced that Joaquin Phoenix isn’t hoaxing everyone, but James Gray makes a convincing point – if you spent six months staring at Gwyneth Paltrow‘s bare breasts, you’d be lucky to escape with all your marbles, too.
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It’s fair to say that Joaquin Phoenix is either a) playing an elaborate hoax on the world or b) a ludicrous whackjob.
Which one is it? Nobody can say, although it’s almost definitely the first one. So far, Joaquin Phoenix has quit acting for hip-hop, let Casey Affleck make a documentary about it, fallen offstage during a show – and now he’s just done a berserk, incomprehensible interview on Letterman too.
Of course, if this is all a hoax, we’re sure that it’ll have a very important point. Right now we’d guess that the point is ‘Joaquin Phoenix is a turd’.
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Joaquin Phoenix is living the dream – specifically a cheese-informed fever dream that makes no sense whatsoever.
But a dream nonetheless. How many of us have wanted to quit our jobs, grow a gigantic Unabomber beard and become a rapper under Diddy‘s tutelage? That’s right, none of us. And that’s why, from all logical perspectives, Joaquin Phoenix’s behaviour has to be part of a giant Borat-style prank on the world.
Except it isn’t. Despite recent reports suggesting that Joaquin Phoenix and Casey Affleck are making a spoof documentary about this together, Joaquin insists it’s completely real. We’ve never been so scared.
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Joaquin Phoenix, we knew you wouldn’t let us down. Some may have dismissed your new rap career as a joke, but not us.
We know exactly what you’re capable of, and your debut show on Friday night in Las Vegas did us proud. But then again, Joaquin Phoenix rapping onstage after a career tutorial by Diddy couldn’t really be anything other than spectacular.
And the result – a bearded man shouting incomprehensible rubbish like a homeless tramp screaming at his own reflection and then falling off the stage – was the dictionary definition of spectacular. Joaquin Phoenix, you’re our hero. Video? Yes, there’s video.
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