Poor Lindsay Lohan. She doesn’t seem to have a friend in the world apart from that bottle of beer that constantly encourages her to take of its lid and slurp down its tasty goodness.

Of course, a pending spell in prison will seriously throw anyone’s career into doubt. Still, at least she didn’t pick the incriminating threat route like Mel Gibson.

However, having a career is a necessity to prolonging your ability to stay in the limelight. Somehow, Lindsay Lohan has done this by having such mega hits as Mean Girls behind her. Surely becoming an overnight lesbian and modern day Laurel and Hardy with girlfriend Samantha Ronson wouldn’t end in tears? Oh, wait it did. But that hasn’t stopped Samantha Ronson from defending poor Lindsay against all the haters, especially nasty Joan Rivers.

After the news of Lohan’s 90-day prison sentence, where she’ll share a cell with cross-eyed Brenda and one-boobed Margaret, everyone pretty much reacted the same. Did we sob for Lindsay Lohan because she wouldn’t be able to sleep in her bed with pillows made from beaver fur? No, we all had a giggle and wondered how any lawyer would get out of the mess she drunkenly drove herself into.

The online community took well to the news, with everyone voicing their opinions on Lohan’s situation. A quick flick through Twitter indicated that people still weren’t feeling sorry for her. Of course, people connected to Lindsay Lohan will have felt some sorrow about her plight. There’ll now be a distinct rise in the number of socialists who can’t leach onto Lindsay Lohan in order to get in a club for free.

Mark Ronson’s sister Sam is one of the few people who was actually upset by the imminent departure of Lohan. Now her career will focus solely on her DJing and not reports of rows/splits/rekindlements with her on and off girlfriend. Randomly taking to Twitter, Sam Ronson took particular dislike at multiple tweets from Joan Rivers, which included:

“Lindsay Lohan is so dumb. Her idea of being sworn in is cursing at the judge.”

“Lindsay Lohan said she wouldn’t mind being under oath because she thought Oath was a Norwegian ski instructor.”

“I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 Proof.”

As a comedian whose been performing for decades, Joan Rivers has probably never had an easier time when it comes to writing material. On the other hand, Sam Ronson hasn’t quite perfected her craft at making snipey remarks that are funny and make sense. She replied by tweeting:

“You have collagen older than Lindsay, pick on someone your own age, oh wait I guess people that old can’t hear.”

Erm… yeah! You go Sam Ronson; show everyone who’s boss with retorts that a twelve-year-old girl would shriek. How did Joan Rivers ever sleep that night knowing that she’d just been given a verbal slap? Not very well probably, she’d be choking on laughter from Ronson’s tweet.

Just remember kids, there’s another Lohan to potentially come. And if history repeats itself with the Spears Sisters, it could all get very messy.

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What is the one thing The Apprentice has taught us? That’s right, that emotion has no place in the business environment.

And that’s probably why Joan Rivers won Celebrity Apprentice last night – thanks to all the plastic surgery she’s had, the only emotion she can ever properly display is a kind of constant resigned shock. But let’s stick to the point here – Joan Rivers won Celebrity Apprentice last night.

So congratulations, Joan Rivers – you’re now officially as good as Piers Morgan. Please celebrate this fact in the appropriate way, by which we mean either sobbing relentlessly or haplessly attempting suicide.

We get the feeling that this season of the British Apprentice has already peaked – especially now that the self-satisfied bellend with the voice like The Futureheads has been fired – but even if it hadn’t peaked, it would still have some way to go to top the heady heights of last night’s live three-hour Celebrity Apprentice finale in America.

Yes, you read that right. Three hours. Three full hours of watching Donald Trump‘s contorted pink face bellow and puff in a series of ever-more disturbing ways beneath that ridiculous orange pube-bale that he tries to pass off as a haircut.

And live, too, so anything could happen, so long as by ‘anything’ you mean ‘developing deep-vein thrombosis in your arse while praying that the sleeping pills you desperately shovelled into your face at the midway point hurry up and kick in’.

Anyway, the eventual winner of Celebrity Apprentice was Joan Rivers. If anything, winning Celebrity Apprentice was Joan River’s reward for utilising her impressively diverse arsenal of business tactics throughout the show, from hardline straight-talking to fiery diva fits to intimidating would-be customers with her terrifying shiny frightmask of a face. BuddyTV reports on the Celebrity Apprentice finale, which saw Joan Rivers pitted against poker player Annie Duke:

The finale challenge–which had the remaining two contenders raise money by selling Cirque du Soleil tickets and providing a pre-show VIP party–saw Annie way ahead in earnings than Joan. While Annie also won props for integrating her charity well with the challenge, Joan took home points for attracting bigger celebrities and integrating another sponsor, Kodak, into the fore better.

So whether Joan Rivers deserved to win Celebrity Apprentice is still up for contention, but you still have to hand it to her for the tenacity she showed by beating all those other people we’ve never heard of. Her success is proof that 75-year-old women can still succeed in this world, but only so long as they’ve spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on having a number of age-defying surgical procedures on their faces to a varying degree of success and are especially bitter about everything.

But what did Joan Rivers win? This was Celebrity Apprentice, remember, so the prize wasn’t going to be a job with Donald Trump. Instead, Joan Rivers won some money for a charity and, if there’s any justice in the world, a bout of Trump-sex so overwhelmingly nightmarish that your eyes would fall out if you even gave it any serious thought.

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For the unemployed of the land or students suffering a hangover from the night before, you will have seen Loose Women.

No, it’s not a programme on prostitutes or any other sort of muckiness, it's in fact an hour of programming aimed at the ladies of the land. No knitting or cooking tips are passed on, instead it's four middle-aged hags bleating on about how crap men are and disturbing incites in to their own personal lives.

It’s a pretty boring show, but live TV is always made better when someone swears. Especially when it comes from a loudmouth American. And what better person to fit this description than Joan Rivers. Despite being told the show was live, she still gave her opinion on Gladiator Russell Crowe.

You can thank us for one minute and eight seconds you’ve just wasted from watching this clip.