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JK Rowling

Harry Potter Case: JK Rowling Goes Out With A Bang

by Stuart Heritage

The copyright lawsuit between JK Rowling and The Harry Potter Lexicon finished yesterday, but don’t think you can go back to not giving a stuff about it again.

As you remember, JK Rowling claims that The Harry Potter Lexicon unfairly and illegally plagiarises the Harry Potter novels, while the makers of The Harry Potter Lexicon just claim that it’s nothing more than a reference book. And now the case has concluded.

However, we won’t know if JK Rowling or The Harry Potter Lexicon author Steven Vander Ark will win yet, because the judge needs to go away and think about it. And he won’t do that until both JK Rowling and Steven Vander Ark have submitted written summations of their arguments to him. We’re just guessing here, but we’d assume that Vander Ark’s summation is going to be identical to Rowling’s, but with a couple of words changed and cheaper-looking artwork.

The copyright lawsuit between JK Rowling and The Harry Potter Lexicon finished yesterday, but don't think you can go back to not giving a stuff about it again. As you remember, JK Rowling claims that The Harry Potter Lexicon unfairly and illegally plagiarises the Harry Potter novels, while the makers of The Harry Potter Lexicon just claim that it's nothing more than a reference book. And now the case has concluded. However, we won't know if JK Rowling or The Harry Potter Lexicon author Steven Vander Ark will win yet, because the judge needs to go away and think about it. And he won't do that until both JK Rowling and Steven Vander Ark have submitted written summations of their arguments to him. We're just guessing here, but we'd assume that Vander Ark's summation is going to be identical to Rowling's, but with a couple of words changed and cheaper-looking artwork.
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JK Rowling: That Unauthorised Harry Potter Book Is ‘Theft’

by Stuart Heritage

As if yesterday’s thrilling installment of That Court Case Where JK Rowling Gets Upset Because Someone Else Wrote A Harry Potter Book wasn’t enthralling enough, there’s more.

That’s because yesterday JK Rowling made it into court to speak about her outrage that a third-party Harry Potter reference book, The Lexicon Of Harry Potter, was being published without her say-so.

“We all know I’ve made enough money. That’s absolutely not why I’m here,” JK Rowling told the courtroom. And that sounds fair – quite often the mega-wealthy lose the thrill of making money and replace it with a new interest. Bill Gates has his epic philanthropic organisation, for example, and JK Rowling now has crushing the dreams of people who aren’t as rich as her.

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JK Rowling Vs Harry Potter Book: Let The Dull Legal Battle Commence!

by Stuart Heritage

JK Rowling knows everything there is about Harry Potter – her brain is literally a soggy, pulsating Harry Potter encyclopedia.

And JK Rowling wants to pass on her unbeatable knowledge of Harry Potter to the fans by cutting the top of her skull off, smooshing her brain into a billion tiny globs and selling them on to Harry Potter fans for a million pounds each. Or she wants to write a Harry Potter encyclopedia and sell that instead. We forget which.

Anyway, a new third party Harry Potter encyclopedia that’s coming out soon has got JK Rowling worried – not only will it scupper sales of the official JK Rowling-written encyclopedia, but it’ll also be an inferior product because it won’t make JK Rowling any money. Anyway, JK Rowling’s great big lawsuit has begun. And it’s either really exciting or quite dull. We forget which.

JK Rowling knows everything there is about Harry Potter - her brain is literally a soggy, pulsating Harry Potter encyclopedia. And JK Rowling wants to pass on her unbeatable knowledge of Harry Potter to the fans by cutting the top of her skull off, smooshing her brain into a billion tiny globs and selling them on to Harry Potter fans for a million pounds each. Or she wants to write a Harry Potter encyclopedia and sell that instead. We forget which. Anyway, a new third party Harry Potter encyclopedia that's coming out soon has got JK Rowling worried - not only will it scupper sales of the official JK Rowling-written encyclopedia, but it'll also be an inferior product because it won't make JK Rowling any money. Anyway, JK Rowling's great big lawsuit has begun. And it's either really exciting or quite dull. We forget which.
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JK Rowling Almost Sort Of Briefly Thought About Suicide Once

by Stuart Heritage

The Harry Potter books are irritating and twee and ‘wouldn’t it be a wonderful wheeze to buy a midnight feast from the tuck shop’, aren’t they.

No. No they’re not. They can’t be because the woman who wrote the Harry Potter books, JK Rowling, has admitted that she’s suffered from depression and battled suicidal thoughts before.

Of course, this all happened before Harry Potter got successful and JK Rowling got preposterously rich and stuff. Now any time JK Rowling gets a bit sad she’ll go to a poor person’s house, buy their furniture and pets for a tenner and set it all on fire in front of them until she’s happy again. Works every time.

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JK Rowling All Narky About Other Harry Potter Books

by Stuart Heritage

Harry Potter has made JK Rowling richer than her wildest dreams – but if you try to make money out of Harry Potter, JK Rowling will crush you in her mighty fist.

Harry Potter fan Steven Vander Ark is slowly coming to realise this, because he’s trying to publish a third-party Harry Potter reference book, Harry Potter Lexicon, and JK Rowling is doing her best to sue his balls off about it.

It just goes to show that JK Rowling won’t allow any unauthorised Harry Potter merchandise to hit the shops. But, hey, that doesn’t mean you have to tell her about that container of shoddy Far-Eastern lead-painted Dobby The House Elf choking aids that we’ve just had shipped into the country, OK?

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JK Rowling Wants To Write One More Harry Potter Book

by Stuart Heritage

Ever since Harry Potter was conceived, JK Rowling has insisted that his story was only seven books long – except that now it’s over she’s starting to wonder if it could stretch to eight.

By writing the final Harry Potter book at some point over the last 12 months, JK Rowling scored herself a runner-up spot on the Time Person of The Year List – she would have come first if it wasn’t for that bloody Vladimir Putin – and that seems to have made her wonder out loud about writing another Harry Potter book. Don’t get too excited, though, because the new Harry Potter book is at least a decade away – coming after the final Harry Potter movie, the opening of the Harry Potter theme park, the Harry Potter On Ice tour and the vastly unsuccessful Harry Potter Sings Julio Iglesias CD of Spanish language seduction ballads planned for March 2014.

Ever since Harry Potter was conceived, JK Rowling has insisted that his story was only seven books long - except that now it's over she's starting to wonder if it could stretch to eight. By writing the final Harry Potter book at some point over the last 12 months, JK Rowling scored herself a runner-up spot on the Time Person of The Year List - she would have come first if it wasn't for that bloody Vladimir Putin - and that seems to have made her wonder out loud about writing another Harry Potter book. Don't get too excited, though, because the new Harry Potter book is at least a decade away - coming after the final Harry Potter movie, the opening of the Harry Potter theme park, the Harry Potter On Ice tour and the vastly unsuccessful Harry Potter Sings Julio Iglesias CD of Spanish language seduction ballads planned for March 2014.
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Harry Potter’s Birth Makes JK Rowling Cry

by Stuart Heritage

As much as Christmas is about baby Jesus and playing your new Nintendo Wii until you can’t bend your arm any more, it’s also about something more – watching billionaires cry about wizards and stuff.

At some point between Christmas and the new year, there’s going to be an ITV documentary broadcast entitled JK Rowling … A Year in the Life, all about Harry Potter creator JK Rowling and her adventures completing Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows. But the documentary also shows what JK Rowling gets up to in her spare time which – in between posing for giant statues of herself made from one giant diamond and offering the poor £50 to spend a week as JK’s Dancing Monkey Slave – mainly involves going to places where she used to live and crying a lot.

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New JK Rowling Book Bought With More Money Than Sense

by Matthew Laidlow

Because it’s Christmas time, it’s time to wander around the high street like everyone else to try and buy presents for your cherished loved ones.

Well that’s a lie – actually you have to purchase stuff for relatives you see once every three years who still call you Jimmy by mistake and who keep on getting you a Now compilation CD because they think its “cool”. Anyhow, at the end of December your bank balance is as dry as the turkey your mum serves up on Christmas day and you don’t have any money to go out on New Years Eve even though everything is overpriced and generally shit anyway. However, somebody out there has too much money. Instead of lending us a tenner so we can do better than buying supermarket-brand aftershave for our dad, they’ve only gone out and spent $4 million dollars on the JK Rowling book.

Because it's Christmas time, it's time to wander around the high street like everyone else to try and buy presents for your cherished loved ones. Well that’s a lie - actually you have to purchase stuff for relatives you see once every three years who still call you Jimmy by mistake and who keep on getting you a Now compilation CD because they think its “cool”. Anyhow, at the end of December your bank balance is as dry as the turkey your mum serves up on Christmas day and you don’t have any money to go out on New Years Eve even though everything is overpriced and generally shit anyway. However, somebody out there has too much money. Instead of lending us a tenner so we can do better than buying supermarket-brand aftershave for our dad, they’ve only gone out and spent $4 million dollars on the JK Rowling book.
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JK Rowling Still Not Done Churning Out Harry Potter Books

by Stuart Heritage

Aside from outing wizards and rolling around naked in a in a dump-truck full of money cackling at God, JK Rowling hasn’t found a whole lot to do with her time since she put the finishing touches to Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows.

Actually that’s not strictly true – since Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows was completed, JK Rowling has written a set of fairytales. But these are fairytales with a difference, because a) they’ve been hand-written by JK Rowling, b) they were mentioned in Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows and c) instead of being published they’re going to be given away and auctioned off for charity. And they’ll be the absolute last word on Harry Potter, except for the last two films, the merchandise, the theme park and the forthcoming sculpture of Harry Potter that JK Rowling is having carved into the moon along with the legend “I’m a lot richer than you, you know. Love JK” written in Garamond – the fanciest font.

Aside from outing wizards and rolling around naked in a in a dump-truck full of money cackling at God, JK Rowling hasn't found a whole lot to do with her time since she put the finishing touches to Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows. Actually that's not strictly true - since Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows was completed, JK Rowling has written a set of fairytales. But these are fairytales with a difference, because a) they've been hand-written by JK Rowling, b) they were mentioned in Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows and c) instead of being published they're going to be given away and auctioned off for charity. And they'll be the absolute last word on Harry Potter, except for the last two films, the merchandise, the theme park and the forthcoming sculpture of Harry Potter that JK Rowling is having carved into the moon along with the legend "I'm a lot richer than you, you know. Love JK" written in Garamond - the fanciest font.
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