One of the most famous authors of all time, JK Rowling, is set to dust off her fingers one more time to write a new book. Not just any book but a book for adults. It’s suddenly become acceptable to read JK Rowling on the tube. Huzzah.
The writer, estimated to be worth the same as three African countries and a large portion of Australia, decided to shake what her mother gave her and pop out another book before blasting out another bambino.
Although nothing massive has been confirmed by Rowling’s literary agent, The Blair Partnership, Rowling herself decided to spill the beans to the entire World by releasing a statement.
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There are a lot of people who really, really, really love JK Rowling’s Harry Potter tales. In fairness, there’s millions of flies that like swarming around dung piles, so numbers don’t necessarily account for taste, right? That said, as one hecklerspray reader pointed out, “there’s no such thing as a bad story”. Unless you count the plethora of really bad stories out there.
Either way, Rowling has been wildly successful with Potter, watching her daft little books become gigantic blockbuster movies.
However, some claimed that JK Rowling (real name, Jamiroquai Rowling) had copied a load of ideas from a book that features Willy The Wizard. Sounds amazing doesn’t it? (No).
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Despite being written for children who are just about able to grasp English, millions of adults have gone mental for Harry Potter.
After what seems like the decades of guff about Harry making magic potions, going through the stages of puberty and making his own magic sap, the epic adventure is coming to an end.
With one more film to go, JK Rowing has now got so much money that she’ll be able to buy the entire human race if she wants. But her evil plans might be thwarted. She’s being sued by British author Adrian Jacobs, who claims she might have pinched a few ideas.
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The Adventures Of Willy The Wizard No 1: Livid Land is a wonderful book wherein the protagonist possibly vanquishes evil by rubbing it incessantly with his magical buttock.
Since Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire basically has the exact same plot, sentence structure, verb-to-noun ratio and pie graphs, the heirs of the Willy Wizard estate have recognised it as unapologetic plagiarism. As such they are now suing JK Rowling either until she agrees to show them the exact location of Hogwarts, and to allow Willy Wizard a full seven-book scholarship there, or for 813 million dollars.
We honestly don’t remember which.
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We’re not heroin addicts, but if we were – and heroin was made of books about rubbish schoolboy wizards – we’d be screwed.
Because if that was true, then JK Rowling would be our dealer. And Rowling is a mean dealer, too – she’s been withholding our supply, probably until we break down and agree to let her become our pimp or something – but yesterday JK Rowling threw us a lifeline.
Because yesterday JK Rowling released her new book The Tales Of Beedle The Bard – kind of like the methadone to Harry Potter’s hardcore skag – and somewhat predictably it instantly became a bestseller.
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Ever since the last Harry Potter book came out, there’s been a lack of shamefaced adults reading kid’s books on the tube.
And that’s because now everyone’s reading Twilight instead, despite the fact that reading a staunchly conservative abstinence manifesto dressed up as a slushy emo romance fantasy in front of other adults is far worse than reading Harry Potter.
So hooray for JK Rowling, who tomorrow releases her new Harry Potter spin-off book The Tales of Beedle the Bard, either for charity or to help us identify idiots more easily on the tube. Merry Christmas to you too, JK!
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You know that time you had a protracted two-hour argument with your girlfriend about the hoovering? JK Rowling earnt £36,000 during that.
And you know that poo you did this morning? The one you bit off prematurely because you were in a rush? JK Rowling earnt enough money to buy two Playstations and a week in a Greek villa during that. It’s just been announced, you see, that JK Rowling is the richest author on the planet, earning £5 a second.
So even just then, when you recoiled in disgust at our graphic description of chopping a poo in half with your sphincter, JK Rowling probably made enough money to go on a three-hour shopping spree at Primark. A shopping spree that ironically would earn JK Rowling enough money to but a nice eight-berth yacht that, if she took on a two-week cruise, would earn her enough money to buy your entire family forever, basically.
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Reading a newspaper doesn’t seem to be as fun as it used to be. Whilst sniggering at the Page 3 girls’ outlook on life, these enlightening comments have now turned to something much more shocking.
Death! Fear! Famine! Terror! Bono! Knives! Guns! They all make for happy and pleasant reading on the way in to work. All before you’re charged £1.80 for a piss weak cup of coffee in the local café.
If the thought of being stabbed to death isn’t great enough to reduce you to a nervous wreck who only watches Jeremy Kyle, we’ve got a new crisis. Apparently, all the banks in the world who rape us via bank charges have run out of money or something. Subsequently, everything is going to cost more and limit us to only seven Starbucks trips a day. With Gordon Brown taking the hit for messing up the country, there seems to have been no help or even a cuddle anywhere. Well that is until JK Rowling came along and donated £1,000,000 of her own money to help him out.
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