Guitarists are all idiots. Every single one of them. They’re the ones who think they’re the heart of a band, resentful that the singer gets all the sex, the bassist gets all the cool fans and envious of the drummer because… okay, they’re not jealous of drummers at all.

Of course, as writers are prone to making pointless lists, Rolling Stone magazine have decided that the world needs another Greatest Guitarists Ever list.

As ever, there isn’t one name in the top 10 that will surprise you because these lists are always gleaned from the same old axe-wielding losers. Naturally, we’ll be proffering people who are far more worthy.

With insulting predictability, Jimi Hendrix has been proclaimed the “Greatest Guitarist of All Time” by a panel of clearly catholic musicians put together by Rolling Stone Magazine. That’d be Jimi Hendrix who was only really very good when he reigned it in and made 2 minute pop songs, as opposed to all those dreary, dreary jams.

One rock bore, Tom Morello from Rage Against The Machine, says in Friday’s issue:

“His playing was effortless. There’s not one minute of his recorded career that feels like he’s working hard at it — it feels like it’s all flowing through him.”

The rest of the Top 5 is made up of the usual clowns: Eric Clapton (2), Jimmy Page (3), Keith Richards (4) and Jeff Beck (5).

Elsewhere, B.B. King features (6), alongside Chuck Berry (7), Eddie Van Halen (8),  Duane Allman (9) and Pete Townshend (10).

Naturally, there was absolutely no space for anything other than the usual rock pedlars in the Top 10. What about those great country pedal steel players? How about jazz? Could you argue against Django Reinhardt’s inclusion, especially given that he could play all of the chosen Top 10 off any stage AND, crucially, do it with a hand that only had two working figures!

Of course, jazz if filled with astonishing guitarists and Django may be something of an obvious choice… but seriously, unless someone shows us a guitarist who can play that great with one finger, we’re not budging. Away from jazz, there’s a whole load of brain-meltingly good folkies too.

John Renbourn, of Pentangle fame, was a supreme show-off, but more crucially, able to paint entire pictures with six strings where Hendrix et al simply noodled down their shafts and grunted over 12 bars. While there’s no denying the tweeness of this next video, likewise, you can knock it for craftsmanship.

It’s worth pointing out that skill isn’t the only factor that should be looked at. Think of all the hugely influential and brilliant noise guitarists out there! Ron Asheton of The Stooges couldn’t play for shit, but was awesome at, to paraphrase Iggy Pop, tellin’ ‘em how we all felt.

Kurt Cobain (who is probably on the Rolling Stone list somewhere) was a fine exponent of noise (go listen to Endless Nameless) as was Kevin Shields from My Bloody Valentine. He could make a guitar sound like anything he wanted – most of the time, it seemed like his whole objective was to make his guitar sound like anything but a guitar. That, as the next clip will testify, he simply wanted to make it suffer and throw-up.

And how about those who resided in the funk? Chic’s Nile Rodger’s is one of the best innovators who ever lived, pipped perhaps by Jimmy Nolen who sat in with James Brown’s band (when they were at their finest). Nolen developed the “chicken scratch” guitar sound which influenced the whole of soul music and, of course, through sampling, the whole of hip hop.

Earth Wind and Fire, George Clinton and a whole load more took note of Nolen in cuts like ‘Papas Got a Brand New Bag’, ‘I Got You (I Feel Good)’, ‘It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World’, ‘Cold Sweat’, ‘Funky Drummer’, ‘The Boss and… need we go on?

Alas, the problem with Best Guitarists Ever lists is that they focus way too heavily on rock, rock ‘n’ roll and metal. And that’s boring.

Next week, tune in as we complain about magazines that rely too heavily on lists made up entirely of things about The Beatles.

Nobody wants to hear the old hits when a band reforms – they want to hear an album of new songs, all written by some millionaire pensioners.

Better still, they want that album to feature the guitarist, the bassist and the dead drummer’s son with no singer in sight, right? Because nothing rocks harder than an album of instrumentals containing lengthy bass solos as performed by some painfully old men. Right?

Good, because that seems to be what Led Zeppelin are cooking up. It must be true, because the dead drummer’s son said so.

When Led Zeppelin reformed at the O2 stadium last year, some people got a little bit excited. It was just like the old days, they said, except that the member of the band seemed to be aging faster than the Nazi at the end of Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade. It was like The Beatles reforming, they said, but only if someone had shot Ringo instead of John Lennon.

Following their show, Led Zeppelin could have toured the world a hundred times over and got rich enough to shove ten mudsharks up the fannies of every woman on the planet. But it wasn’t to be, because Robert Plant wanted to tour his fiddle-di-dee country album instead.

Maybe Led Leppelin will go on tour at some point, but don’t worry because Jimmy Page apparently has a two-part interim plan that goes as follows:

1) Introduce the British Olympics to the world by playing Whole Lotta Love with a girl off a talent show while pulling a face that makes it look as you’re being sucked off by a giant snail.

2) Record a new Led Zeppelin album.

Since part one has already been dealt with – and by the way, great job Jimmy, you really pulled off the facial expression part perfectly – that just leaves part two. Which is really happening. Or might be happening. Look, it probably isn’t happening, but don’t tell Jason Bonham because it looks as though he’s got his heart set on it. According to BBC News:

Led Zeppelin musicians Jimmy Page, John Paul Jones and Jason Bonham have been working on new material. Drummer Bonham told a radio station in Detroit that the songs could be destined for a new Led Zeppelin album. But lead singer Robert Plant has not been involved in any of the sessions, he added… “When I get there [in the studio] I never ask any questions. If I get a phone call to go and play, I enjoy every moment of it.”

Great, so there might be a new Led Zeppelin album coming out, but there probably won’t be and even if there is it won’t have Robert Plant wailing about Mordor all over it. That sounds excellent. No, really.

But listen. If this album is really happening, it’s incredibly important that you get Robert Plant back in the fold. Because otherwise you’ll have to find another singer to take his place. And you know who’s interested? Paolo Nutini.

No, we didn’t think you’d want that either.

If you were one of the 36 trillion people who tried to get tickets to see the Led Zeppelin comeback show last year, fret not.

That's because Jimmy Page has personally assured the public that Led Zeppelin will definitely tour the world really soon. The whole world. All of it. Even crap countries like Denmark.

And by that we mean that Jimmy Page has mumbled a couple of noncommittal words about Led Zeppelin eventually going on some sort of tour, but not for ages and actually he's not even going to think about it for six months anyway, but that's pretty much the same thing.

Just like people ask "Where were you when JFK was shot?" and "Where were you when Diana died?" people are now asking "Where were you when that old band from the 1970s got back together and played a bunch of really self-indulgent songs about wizards and runes and cobblers like that?" because that's how momentous the Led Zeppelin comeback was.

Even though it was for a few fleeting hours in December, the Led Zeppelin reunion concert had a profound effect on everyone – all the music reviewers in the world had to dig out their big book of ridiculously-overblown metaphors and even little Paolo Nutini wanted to join in, even though it's obvious to all that he'll never be much more than a soggy-knickered spatula.

And, although it was just a one-off show, the fans around the world who weren't able to get tickets for the O2 show all hoped that it'd kickstart a desire within Led Zeppelin to take the show on the road. That was dashed when Robert Plant said he'd prefer to do his fiddle-di-dee solo stuff in the world's greatest barns, and everyone went back to being resigned to a lifetime of watching a taped VHS of Led Zeppelin at Live Aid with a scrunched-up face.

But no! Because Led Zeppelin really are going to go on tour again! All around the world! Probably! Subject to approval from the band members in a meeting that isn't even going to happen until August anyway! The Telegraph reports:

Speaking to promote the band’s Mothership Greatest Hits album in Japan, [Jimmy Page] said: “We did the show and it was great. It was exhilarating, fantastic, every week was a week to look forward to. I can assure you the amount of work that we put into the O2, for ourselves rehearsing and the staging of it, was probably what you put into a world tour.” Chris Goodman, from The Outside Organisation, who look after the band’s PR, said: “Jimmy has said that the band will be meeting up in August to talk about it. “The band meet all the time. There is something in it but I can’t give you any more news at the moment.”

So it's all, um, perfectly… wait a minute, Jimmy Page said the words 'world tour' but not actually in relation to a Led Zeppelin world tour at all. That's a bit rubbish.

Of course, much of the problem in Jimmy Page rushing off and formally announcing a Led Zeppelin reunion lies with Robert Plant, who's thought to be reluctant to go out and sing the same songs over and over again night after night, especially when he's got a folky country album to promote.

But demand is so high for there to be a Led Zeppelin world tour that the band could change whatever they wanted and it'd still all sell out in the blink of an eye, so the financial projections for the proposed tour must be huge. And if there's anything that'll win Robert Plant round to touring, it's the promise that ticket sales will be able to buy him that solid gold one-stringed banjo he's always wanted.

Read more:

Led Zeppelin 'considering world tour' – Telegraph 

Paolo Nutini has said he wants Led Zeppelin's Jimmy Page to produce his next album. Also, Rhydian has said he wants Bob Dylan to produce his first album, and The Krankies are in talks with Keith Richards.

Of course, that last one isn’t true. Not in your wildest dreams is that true. Neither is the Rhydian one. But the Paolo Nutini one is true and on the cards!

As everyone in the universe knows by now, Led Zeppelin have returned to rave reviews, one and all declaring ‘they still got it’, but do they? Do they? The seminal band, famous for writing songs that float complex metaphors over a sea of musical depth and intelligence – often listed as the greatest band of all time – actually allowed the empty vessel that is Paulo Nutini, famous for his stupid pretty face spurting out lyrics that contain the emotional depth of a ten-year-old, to support them in their recent comeback gig.   

Nutini said:

"You have all these people on your wish-list, and Jimmy Page is definitely on mine, getting someone that’s enthusiastic about your music is the main thing. It’s better to have someone like that produce your record than the trendy hitmakers."

Yeah, it’s better to have Jimmy do it than someone like you, eh Paolo?

Like most of us, we haven’t yet heard Zeppelin’s new stuff, but judging by their new mindset, Page and Plant probably should have decided, back in the day, to join Hendrix and Cobain in the 27 club.

Read more:

My Debt To Rock Gods - Daily Star

[story by Paul Sorrenti]