Guitarists are all idiots. Every single one of them. They’re the ones who think they’re the heart of a band, resentful that the singer gets all the sex, the bassist gets all the cool fans and envious of the drummer because… okay, they’re not jealous of drummers at all.

Of course, as writers are prone to making pointless lists, Rolling Stone magazine have decided that the world needs another Greatest Guitarists Ever list.

As ever, there isn’t one name in the top 10 that will surprise you because these lists are always gleaned from the same old axe-wielding losers. Naturally, we’ll be proffering people who are far more worthy.

With insulting predictability, Jimi Hendrix has been proclaimed the “Greatest Guitarist of All Time” by a panel of clearly catholic musicians put together by Rolling Stone Magazine. That’d be Jimi Hendrix who was only really very good when he reigned it in and made 2 minute pop songs, as opposed to all those dreary, dreary jams.

One rock bore, Tom Morello from Rage Against The Machine, says in Friday’s issue:

“His playing was effortless. There’s not one minute of his recorded career that feels like he’s working hard at it — it feels like it’s all flowing through him.”

The rest of the Top 5 is made up of the usual clowns: Eric Clapton (2), Jimmy Page (3), Keith Richards (4) and Jeff Beck (5).

Elsewhere, B.B. King features (6), alongside Chuck Berry (7), Eddie Van Halen (8),  Duane Allman (9) and Pete Townshend (10).

Naturally, there was absolutely no space for anything other than the usual rock pedlars in the Top 10. What about those great country pedal steel players? How about jazz? Could you argue against Django Reinhardt’s inclusion, especially given that he could play all of the chosen Top 10 off any stage AND, crucially, do it with a hand that only had two working figures!

Of course, jazz if filled with astonishing guitarists and Django may be something of an obvious choice… but seriously, unless someone shows us a guitarist who can play that great with one finger, we’re not budging. Away from jazz, there’s a whole load of brain-meltingly good folkies too.

John Renbourn, of Pentangle fame, was a supreme show-off, but more crucially, able to paint entire pictures with six strings where Hendrix et al simply noodled down their shafts and grunted over 12 bars. While there’s no denying the tweeness of this next video, likewise, you can knock it for craftsmanship.

It’s worth pointing out that skill isn’t the only factor that should be looked at. Think of all the hugely influential and brilliant noise guitarists out there! Ron Asheton of The Stooges couldn’t play for shit, but was awesome at, to paraphrase Iggy Pop, tellin’ ‘em how we all felt.

Kurt Cobain (who is probably on the Rolling Stone list somewhere) was a fine exponent of noise (go listen to Endless Nameless) as was Kevin Shields from My Bloody Valentine. He could make a guitar sound like anything he wanted – most of the time, it seemed like his whole objective was to make his guitar sound like anything but a guitar. That, as the next clip will testify, he simply wanted to make it suffer and throw-up.

And how about those who resided in the funk? Chic’s Nile Rodger’s is one of the best innovators who ever lived, pipped perhaps by Jimmy Nolen who sat in with James Brown’s band (when they were at their finest). Nolen developed the “chicken scratch” guitar sound which influenced the whole of soul music and, of course, through sampling, the whole of hip hop.

Earth Wind and Fire, George Clinton and a whole load more took note of Nolen in cuts like ‘Papas Got a Brand New Bag’, ‘I Got You (I Feel Good)’, ‘It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World’, ‘Cold Sweat’, ‘Funky Drummer’, ‘The Boss and… need we go on?

Alas, the problem with Best Guitarists Ever lists is that they focus way too heavily on rock, rock ‘n’ roll and metal. And that’s boring.

Next week, tune in as we complain about magazines that rely too heavily on lists made up entirely of things about The Beatles.

Jimi Hendrix’s death has long been one of the few rock demises to lack a well-publicised conspiracy theory.

Over the years his death has been overshadowed by tinfoil-hatted conspiracies attached to the deaths of the likes of Elvis Presley, The Rolling Stones’ Brian Jones and Jim Morrison of The Doors.

Indeed the popular perception of Hendrix’s demise seems to be that when he accidentally inhaled his own toxic vomit and passed away in 1970 at the age of 27, everyone just kind of murmered “woah, that’s heavy”, dropped a quaalude, and then continued tie-dyeing their kaftans.

But there have always been disagreements about how Jimi Hendrix popped his psychedelic clogs, and now an ex-roadie of his – who just happens to have a book to pimp – is claiming that the guitar genius had pills n’booze shoved down his gullet by his own bloody manager

James “Tappy” Wright writes in his startlingly-titled tome Rock Roadie that Jimi Hendrix’s manager, Michael Jeffrey, once confessed to having offed the star. The motivation? He stood to collect $2 million in insurance if Jimi died.

Michael Jeffrey himself died in a plane crash in 1973, meaning his alleged confession is now over 35 years old, but that does not apparently diminish the author’s ability to quote him:

I was in London the night of Jimi’s death and together with some old friends … we went round to Monika’s hotel room, got a handful of pills and stuffed them into his mouth … then poured a few bottles of red wine deep into his windpipe.

A few bottles? Down his windpipe? Yeah, that’d do it.

Impressive powers of recall from James “Tappy” Wright, then. One can’t help wondering, however, if the credibility of his claim may be harmed somewhat by the fact that he’s kept it to himself for over a quarter of a century, wheeling it out only as his book prepares to hit the shelves.

And let’s not forget this guy was a roadie, and his book’s about being a roadie – it’s probably fair to imagine that the remainder of the pages revolve around:

a) lugging amps

b) lugging instruments

c) lugging staging and lighting rigs

d) lugging the back of his jeans up to hide his arse cleavage

Oh, I’m sure there’s at least one story about taking advantage of a young Foxy Lady who hoped she’d get close to Jimi Hendrix if she flashed the hairy old guy with the tool belt. But the chances of Tappy coming up with an autobiography as interesting or entertainingly depraved as the many rock biographies that have gone before him must surely be slim.

The sequel, however, could be an altogether more fascinating read, telling the story of an ageing accessory to Jimi Hendrix’s murder as he lumbers across the globe attempting to escape the clutches of the police.

This was a guest blog by Stuart Waterman from the wonderful My Chemical Toilet. It’s wonderful.

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Bad news – if you want to see what Jimi Hendrix looks like having sex, you’ll either need a time machine or a shovel and some puppet strings.

Because, we’re sad to report, the much-vaunted Jimi Hendrix sex tape has been exposed as a lie. True, the man having sex looks a whole lot like Jimi Hendrix, but Experience Hendrix – the company which controls Jimi Hendrix’s rights – is now claiming that the tape is a fraud.

And if Experience Hendrix says that the Jimi Hendrix sex tape is a fake, then that’s the truth. It should know better than anyone because it’s made up of members of the Hendrix family. All families have the moral obligation to exactly memorise what their long-dead relatives looked like during sex for this precise reason. We have – have you?

Now, we know you’re bound to be disappointed here, because we all love watching undignified 40-year-old memory-desecrating videos of long-dead people schtupping each other, but the massively-hyped Jimi Hendrix sex tape might just be a fake.

We know, we know, we’re sad as well. After the crushing disappointment we felt when the Marilyn Monroe sex tape was locked away forever, we were hoping that the Jimi Hendrix sex tape would be our once in a lifetime chance to combine ghoulish masturbation with uncomfortable besmirching of the dead, but it’s not to be – at least not until the Princess Diana sex tape gets released.

Anyway, prepare to be let down – according to the Jimi Hendrix rights company Experience Hendrix, the Jimi Hendrix sex tape is nothing more that a filthy lie, as Reuters reports:

“We strongly dispute the claimed authenticity of the tape,” Experience Hendrix said in a statement. “We view the release as nothing more than a callous attempt to trade on the image and reputation of a deceased artist who is unable to defend himself against such an outrageous and baseless assertion,” the Seattle-based company added.

However, Vivid Entertainment – the company distributing the Jimi Hendrix sex tape – isn’t going down without a fight. Vivid says that it’s absolutely Jimi Hendrix in the Jimi Hendrix sex tape because a woman who dunked his cock into a plaster mould once four decades ago says it is. And old lady cock-dunkers are the most honest people on earth. Seriously, we’ve got one as an accountant:

Steven Hirsch, co-chairman of Vivid, said in his own statement on Thursday that Experience Hendrix’s comments were “not in any way a refutation of the authenticity” of the tape. “We are very comfortable this is the real thing,” Hirsch said.

That’s a good argument, but we’re just going to have to go with our guts despite their being no conclusive proof here – we get the feeling that the Jimi Hendrix sex tape is probably fake.

Still, let’s not get too down about it. There’s still the Jimi Hendrix energy drink, and so long as that still contains trace amounts of Jimi Hendrix’s sperm, we’ll be happy. It has got Jimi’s spunk in it, right?

Read more:

Jimi Hendrix company says sex tape not genuine – Reuters

These dead people, honestly, they’re disgusting – and not just because they smell and are dead all the time, either.

It’s because dead people just can’t stop making sex tapes at the moment. Just a few weeks after word of the Marilyn Monroe sex tape got out, it’s now been claimed that the equally dead Jimi Hendrix also made a sex tape with a couple of women. And best of all, the Jimi Hendrix sex tape is actually for sale!

True, most who have actually seen the Jimi Hendrix sex tape seem fairly certain that it’s a fake and that it’s mildly insulting for Jimi Hendrix to be attributed to some pornography just because it stars a black man with an afro and facial hair, but put yourselves in the distributor’s place – a famous face always makes more money, so it was always either going to be the Jimi Hendrix sex tape or the That Bloke Out Of TV On The Radio Sex Tape, and who’d buy that?

Jimi Hendrix may have choked to death on his own vomit 38 years ago, but he’s still as zeitgeisty as ever. Jimi’s take on fashion was iconic, his virtuoso guitar technique is still the high watermark for musicians to aspire to and – boy oh boy – his image-defiling energy drink sure is delicious!

But, more than that, Jimi Hendrix might have also managed to preempt the current fad for celebrity sex tapes. That’s right – if you believe Vivid Entertainment, Jimi Hendrix is now up there with A-listers like Kid Rock, Paris Hilton and that woman from Sex And The City because some alleged footage of him having it away with a couple of women has been unearthed.

And we’ll have none of this Marilyn Monroe sex tape ‘Ooh, let’s hide it and respect the dignity of the dead’ kerfuffle – this time copies of the Jimi Hendrix sex tape will go on sale to the public! Now you finally know what to get your office’s friendless, death-obsessed pervo sickball if his name comes up in the Secret Santa this year! Yay!

However, just because the Jimi Hendrix sex tape is for sale, it doesn’t mean that it actually stars Jimi Hendrix. As Reuters reports, the identity of the sex tape’s star is being contested:

The musician’s longtime girlfriend during the 1960s, Kathy Etchingham, told the New York Times after viewing still photos taken from the footage: “It is not him. His face is too broad and nose and nostrils too wide for Jimi.”… But Vivid said it consulted with several experts to authenticate the footage, including… Cynthia Albritton, better known as Cynthia Plaster Caster, famed for making plaster molds of celebrities’ genitals, including those of Hendrix.

Listen, it is Jimi Hendrix in the tape, OK? The word of a woman who briefly plunged Jimi Hendrix’s knob into a mould once four decades ago and now dines off that solitary fact on an official website where the menu bar is a stack of ejaculating penises should never be doubted. Never!

So let’s just assume that the Jimi Hendrix sex tape is genuine. And, so soon after the Marilyn Monroe sex tape, too. It seems like there’s a pattern emerging here, doesn’t it? So place your bets now! Which dead celebrity will be the next tawdry sex tape star? Will it be Elvis Presley? James Dean? Grace Kelly? Pope Gregory II? We’re giddy with anticipation!

Read more:

Purported Jimi Hendrix sex tape sold online – Reuters