Jim Carey’s daughter Jane Carrey revealed on American Idol how she’s spent the past 24 years living in the lap of luxury, and riding golden ponies, all paid for by daddy’s money. Wait: we mean the exact opposite of that…

“He’s definitely not the most extravagant celebrity,” the daughter of rubber-faced comic Jim Carrey told American Idol viewers, adding that she’s a single mother whose been waiting tables for the last six years.

Ummm… what? There’s a difference between not being ‘extravagant’ and letting your daughter clean-up other people’s gobbed-out food for minimum wage.

Jim’s got it all wrong. For a start, ‘Jane Carrey’ – what’s up with that? The guy didn’t even have the decency to name her after a fruit or a space missile. People are just going to have to GUESS at where she was conceived as he couldn’t even be bothered to call her after the town.

What kind of start in life is that?

Unlike most celebrity spawn with a Jesus complex – famous because of their dad’s good work – Jane Carrey is rumoured to actually be able to sing, and hasn’t yet flashed her noo-noo at any paps. So what if she looks like Miley Cyrus who been covered in tar then rolled around in Primark.

There’s still hope for her yet. American Idol’s female contestants tend to be fat and crazy – like an army of bald-era Britneys. Plus, Pa Carrey is rumoured to be a Scientologist – a religion that would make more sense if it were based on the texts messages your drunk grandma sent the first time she used an iPhone.

Anyway. Here’s the video because that’s what you all came for:

Jim Carrey’s gurning ways don’t quite hold the same box office potential that they once did. The once elastomug has had to put the teeth aside in recent years.

Make no mistake, I Love You Phillip Morris is not a return of the Funster. Carrey plays Steven Russell, a policeman, Christian and a doting  husband to a more than perfect wife. It’s an idyllic lifestyle, one that has a couple of minor snags.

Mainly that Steven is a raving homosexual. It’s something that he doesn’t fully embrace until a car crash, giving him a new lease of life. His epiphany: breaking the law to support a super-luxurious lifestyle. You go girl!

While Steven has been building up an unhealthy portfolio of cons, it all catches up with him, leading to his unfortunate incarceration. In prison he meets Phillip Morris (Ewan McGregor), a gentle soul and the two fall in love through prison bars, beatings and bunk sharing.

It’s an offbeat comedy, not full of laugh-out-loud escapades, the gayness itself isn’t so much of a tool of ridicule, just an unconventional aspect of a messed-up love story. McGregor and Carrey actually have a surprising amount of chemistry, making for a tangible touchstone in an otherwise outlandish, unbelievable true story.

It’s a story that would probably amuse more in the trivia section of a lads rag but the directional duo of Glenn Ficarra and John Requa have downplayed most of the laughs in the film. It doesn’t quite fit in with Carrey’s style but gives it an edge, a darkness that imbued the debut director’s previous screenplay for Bad Santa.

It’s not that the story doesn’t have potential; most of the scenarios could be adapted into features of their own. It’s all ripe for comedy but it only amuses, making most of the impact by the notion of this being some bizarre non-fiction.

Underplaying to the extreme, it often feels unsure of what it wants to be. Is it an unconventional love story; an outlandish comedy-con caper; or another crowd-pleasing Carrey comedy vehicle? Russell’s time in prison is the only area where the balance manages to maintain, especially in one sequence of slow-dancing, flippant expletives and prison beating.

There’s much to like, though, quick, breezy, never resting on one con or situation for too long and by the end of the film you’re left spurring the central coupling on to happiness. Perhaps in a heavier hand this could have been a zany outlet for Carrey’s old charms or another director could have steered this into more subtle territory. As it is, a slightly uneven, unconventional tale that has enough twists to make this engaging.

‘Spray Rating: 3.5/5

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It’s hard (titter), but put yourself in Tiger Woods’s position (titter) right now.

You’ve cheated on your wife. You’ve lost a few million dollars in sponsorship. You’ve lost the next few years of your kids’ lives. You’re going to spend the rest of your own life surrounded by red-faced men in manmade fibres who’d very much like to talk to you about shafts and balls (again: titter). Perhaps worst of all: despite the fact that you’ve got the world calling you ‘Tiger’, you still have to sign checks as ‘Eldrick Tont Woods‘.

So, which bungee-jawed Hollywood fametart could possibly make things worse by claiming that your wife made your penis go off chasing all those girls?

Oh. Right, yeah that makes perfect sense: Jim Carrey, the man who condenses the personalities of 12 schizophrenics, 15 four-year-olds and one pub-bore into a head which is the exact physical embodiment of the emotion ‘Oh, christ, what’s this tossy little prick going to do now?’.

The original story – you may have heard something about it – was that golf player Tiger Woods had it away with approximately fourteen thousand plastic-bosomed blonde women, possibly because his cock was addicted to the feel of spray-on tan. It’s mutated into a web-encompassing gossip free-for-all, in which the internet has accused Tiger of being a manslut, of deserting his kids, and of wanting to make his loveladies hurt quite a lot.

But one of Tiger’s celebrity friends has come galloping to the rescue of his reputation. Okay, it’s only Jim Carrey, but, hey: at this point, Tiger would take a character reference from Frankie Boyle on meow-meow.

So, what’s the gibbering comedy lightweight done to help? Well, here’s one of his recent tweets on the Twitter:

No wife is blind enough to miss that much infidelity. Elin had 2 b a willing participant on the ride 4 whatever reason. kids/lifestyle ;^

We ran this past a 13-year old, who translated as follows: “Tiger Woods copped off with a load of chicks. But it wasn’t all his fault, because his gold-digging wife knew about it, and made him do it, and probably watched and everything. Ugh, gross.”.

Oh, Jim Carrey, with your unerring sense of… well, not humour exactly… bald-faced self-promotion? Yes, that’s it.

Oh, Jim Carrey, with your unerring sense of bald-faced self-promotion: surely you retracted this obnoxious, misogynistic tweet with a full apology and admission that you were a very silly boy. Didn’t you?

My people called and said I might have to tame my tweets a little. So here goes… I’m going to make a sandwich now. Peanut butter. (sigh)

Imagine all the fun you’d have living with Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy. No really, try to imagine it.

It’d be awful, wouldn’t it? You’d be sitting there trying to quietly read the newspaper, and if Jim Carrey wasn’t trying to distract you by bellowing another imaginary conversation out loud to himself in 30 different madcap voices an inch from your face, then Jenny McCarthy would be flopping around like the world’s most inebriated attention-seeking circus clown. Or, worse still, they’d corner you and start lecturing you about spirituality and the dangers of modern vaccines. Ugh. Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy are the worst couple on Earth.

Or at least they were. According to their respective Twitter feeds, Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy have ended their five-year relationship. Good.

Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy have split up, so it’s time for us all to form one of several queues. Those of us who find Jim Carrey’s zany persona, jarring real-life over-sincerity and floppy hair sexually irresistible should line up outside his house. Those of us who wish that more slightly obnoxious big-breasted blondes would drone on about vaccines all the sodding time should line up outside Jenny McCarthy’s house. The rest of us should line up outside the furnace that we plan to hurl ourselves into in case either Jim Carrey or Jenny McCarthy beat the odds and somehow manage to latch onto us.

Oh, we’re being unnecessarily cruel. This is obviously a sad day for both Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy. They were together for five years, and they just seemed so right for each other. They’re both madcap performers with a string of underwhelming films under their respective belts. They both want desperately to be taken seriously, McCarthy as a campaigner for autism causes and Carrey as the star of scary films about spooky numbers. And, most importantly, they loved each other.

For Valentine’s Day, Jim Carrey hired a sky-writer to tell the world how in love he was. A fortnight ago he was using Twitter to misappropriate John Lennon lyrics in order to declare his love for Jenny McCarthy. At the same time she was using Twitter to say how proud she was of Jim Carrey’s website. Their romance was going to last forever.

Except it wasn’t, and yesterday both Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy used Twitter to announce their split. Jim first:

Jenny and I have just ended our 5yr relationship. I’m grateful 4 the many blessings we’ve shared and I wish her the very best! S’okay! ?;^>

And now Jenny:

Im so grateful for the years Jim and I had together. I will stay committed to Jane and will always keep Jim as a leading man in my heart.

It’s so great that celebrities like Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy can keep their fans abreast of their relationship status with Twitter, isn’t it? We’re looking forward to seeing what they write next. We especially can’t wait for Jim Carrey’s “I spent 4hrs staring at myself in the mirror last night. I saw nothing but a pit of seething, lonely despair ?;^>”. That can’t be too far off, surely.

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Actually, that headline hasn’t been proved – Yes Man could have topped the weekend box office for any reason – but we’re just being logical.

Actually, come to think of it again, we do know why Yes Man topped the weekend box office – nostalgia. A movie where Jim Carrey isn’t blatantly gunning for an Oscar or playing a cackheaded number-obsessed maniac is a throwback to his golden age.

That means the weekend box office success of Yes Man sends a clear message to Jim Carrey – that message is ‘Dance, monkey-boy, dance! Pull a funny face! Ha ha, look at stupid monkey-boy Jim Carrey’s funny face!’

The box office success of Yes Man, we’ll admit, is a bit of a shock. This is for two reasons: 1) Will Smith had a new film out this weekend, and Will Smith films always enter the weekend box office at number one and 2) we didn’t expect that anyone would want to see Yes Man because you can pick up Liar Liar for pennies in the bargain bins of most DVD stores now and it’s THE EXACT SAME FILM.

But, still, if watery remakes of his former glories are what people want, then watery remakes of his former glories are exactly what Jim Carrey’s going to give them, starting next year with The Number 73, a remake of The Number 23 where Jim Carrey becomes obsessed with the mid-1980s Sandi Toksvig-hosted ITV Saturday morning kid’s TV show and goes on a stab rampage. And it’ll be all your fault. Here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 – Yes Man (Aside from being Jim Carrey’s biggest hit in forever, Yes Man also marks the start of Danny Wallace‘s tenure as Hollywood hot property. We can now look forward to seeing the movie adaptations of his other books, such as Join Me, Random Acts Of Kindness and Other Arbitrarily-Chosen Sunday Newspaper Magazine Feature Ideas Padded Out To Fill An Entire Godforsaken Paperback Stocking Filler) $18,160,000

2 - Seven Pounds (Look at this – Will Smith’s first flop movie for as long as we can remember. What could have caused this? The vague premise? The way the title steals from 21 Grams in an obscenely shameless way? Will Smith’s recent links with the Church Of Scientology? No. It’s the fact that Will Smith doesn’t rap the theme-tune. Will, if you’re reading, you have time to change this before the European release. And remember, ‘Seven Pounds’ rhymes perfectly with both ‘release the hounds’ and ‘I want to hump your sexy mounds.’ Bill us accordingly, Will) $16,000,000

3 - The Tale Of Despereaux (‘Despereaux’ is, of course, the French for ‘Desperately ripping off Ratatouille‘) $10,507,000

4 - The Day The Earth Stood Still (Slipping down the weekend box office because, gee, standing still is so boring. The Day The Earth Did A Bodypop While Catching Peanuts In Its Mouth? Now that’s a hit!) $10,150,000

5 - Four Christmases (Humbug) $7,745,000

Read more:

Weekend Box Office – Box Office Mojo

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There are several ways to realise that Britney Spears has been in a bad way lately – one of them is to have eyes and/or ears.

Another way is to read the news today. You see, Britney Spears turned up at a charity party at Jim Carrey’s house this weekend not looking as if she’d spent the last month wide awake and screaming at the ceiling. And that’s a news story, apparently.

Of course it is – we all care about Britney Spears, so it goes without saying that everything she does should be held up as a shining example of what other mentally unwell, legally unfit mothers can be capable of with a nice dress, some expensive hair and make-up and a brief appearance at a movie star’s fancy charity party.

One of the most heartening things about 2008 has been Britney Spears’ gradual rehabilitation. It was just a few short months ago, remember, that Britney got naked and held her son hostage in a locked bathroom until the authorities came and wheeled her away to a psychiatric hospital for urgent treatment. But now everything’s just rosy.

True, Britney Spears has just lost custody of her children forever, her last CD bombed and she still can’t be trusted to spend any of her money without her father’s permission, but it’s a long hard road. With a lot of time, hard work and dedication, we might even be able to see the old Britney Spears again before long – you know, the Britney who vomited up a lot and thought she was the devil. They were golden times.

Things certainly look good for Britney Spears, because last weekend she attended a party at Jim Carrey’s house to raise funds for the child autism charity he’s so heavily involved with. What’s more, she was wearing all her clothes the right way round and didn’t once try and smash anything up with an umbrella. The Telegraph reports:

“She looked great and seemed really happy,” a guest told a US magazine at the party held at the actor Jim Carrey’s home in California. He said she kept close to her assistant and didn’t speak to other guests, but seemed happy and relaxed. “She smiled and clapped during the video about autism,” he added.

OK, so maybe Britney hasn’t completely recovered yet – smiling and clapping during a heartrending video presentation about child illness sounds like the work of a very special type of weirdo – but we can still see signs that Britney Spears is definitely getting better.

She didn’t talk to any of the other guests at the party, for example. That’s great news – Britney clearly understands that even 30 seconds of conversation with Jim Carrey when he’s being all over-exaggerated and earnest is enough to send even the most sturdy-minded individual into a shrieking spiral of tormented madness. We should take this as a positive.

The early ’90s, eh?

Who can forget those heady days of Global Hypercolour t-shirts, Monster In My Pocket collectible figurines and Channel 4′s Red Light Zone? Jesus – who on Earth can forget Channel 4′s Red Light Zone? Certainly not anyone who was entering adolescence and had a portable TV set in their room, that’s for sure.

Why are we waffling on about the early ’90s so much? Because that’s where this here clip originates from. It’s the first in a new feature called Hecklerspray Oddities (original working title: Clips That We Quite Like But Couldn’t Really Find Any Other Way Of Linking To Them On The Site), in which we present to you a series of clips that we quite like but couldn’t really find any other way of linking to them on the site.

Enjoy, then, a young Jim Carrey partaking in a spot-on sketch show spoof of The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.

Imagine how awesome it’d be if Jim Carrey was your dad. Wait, did we say ‘awesome’? We meant ‘soul-draining’.

We’d imagine that Jim Carrey would be the sort of parent who makes your friends say “Wow, your dad is so cool!” forcing you to explain to them that waking up every morning knowing that you’re about to be subjected to a tedious 45-minute comic improvisational display involving a spoon and pair of slippers has made your life a sheer unrelenting hell on earth.

Anyway, Jim Carrey does have a son – a six-year-old autistic boy called Evan. And even though Evan isn’t his and he’s not married to the woman who gave birth to Evan, Jim Carrey’s just gone on a march and told a magazine that Evan has ‘taught him how to love’, something that must bring tears of joy to the eyes of Jim Carrey’s 20-year-old biological daughter.

You don’t hear so much from Jim Carrey these days, do you? After every movie he was attached to got scrapped due to a combination of script concerns and fears that Jim Carrey’s huge salaries didn’t justify the days spent filming him self-indulgently riffing through every single shot, he’s been a little bit on the quiet side.

And, as we all know, when a Hollywood actor’s career starts to go south they tend to be left with three choices – voiceover work, Scientology and social activism. We could be wrong, but Jim Carrey’s gone and picked all three, the greedy sod.

Not only did he voice Horton Hears A Who – with a Robert Zemeckis Beowulf-style version of A Christmas Carol in the pipeline – but Jim Carrey has also been hanging round Tom Cruise an awful lot lately. And then there’s the social activism angle – Jim Carrey exercised that yesterday by going on a march to help make vaccines less likely to make kids all autistic and stuff, even if they don’t.

You see, Jim Carrey is romantically involved with – but will be forever unmarried to – Jenny McCarthy, the woman who wrote that film about people slipping around on vaginal blood once. And Jenny McCarthy has a son from a previous relationship who happens to be autistic. And that might be because of a vaccine he had once, even though most doctors say that it isn’t and that Evan might not actually be autistic at all.

But that’s why Jim Carrey has picked up the cause of making vaccines cleaner, because he loves that little boy so very dearly, as People reports:

As he led 8,500 people through the streets of Washington, D.C., Wednesday, hand-in-hand with his daughter, Jane, McCarthy and Evan, the actor led told PEOPLE, “He taught me how to love. And without Evan I might never have seen the greatness of Jenny’s spirit.” Carrey added to the families, lawmakers and other activists gathered to raise awareness about toxins in vaccines that McCarthy is “the source of all that is good” in his life.

Incidentally, Jenny McCarthy now calls Jim Carrey ‘the autism whisperer’ because of the apparently miraculous way that his incessant clowning helped Evan’s recovery. On behalf of all the housewives reading this we say “awww.” And on behalf of everyone else we say “Jim Carrey, if you so much as think of making a Patch Adams-style movie about any of this we’ll come round right now and lock you in a cupboard.”