Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
In a?controversial new video on Funny Or Die, Jim Carrey takes a shot at gun control opponents with a?clever song called “Cold Dead Hand.”
The?video has provoked considerable attention for lyrics?suggesting that former?president of the National Rifle Association, Charlton Heston, didn’t get into heaven because of his assholish views on gun control, and?that?men with?penchants for large weaponry are compensating for small dicks.
Remember when Slash was in a band? Then he wimped off because he was getting picked on by a man in cycling shorts, preferring to job it as a guitar slag for hire? Well, in addition to ‘guitar solo for hire’, he’s now?Jim Carrey’s relationship advisor!
No, honestly he is.
Carrey got all?heartbroken following the breakdown of a relationship, so for seemingly no reason at all, Slash decided he was the man to cheer him up, all the while, wearing his Papa Lazaru top-hat and afro combo! Awww!
Jim Carey?s daughter Jane Carrey revealed on American Idol how she's spent the past 24 years living in the lap of luxury, and riding golden ponies, all paid for by daddy?s money. Wait: we mean the exact opposite of that?
?He's definitely not the most extravagant celebrity,? the daughter of rubber-faced comic Jim Carrey told American Idol viewers, adding that she's a single mother whose been waiting tables for the last six years.
Ummm? what? There's a difference between not being ?extravagant? and letting your daughter clean-up other people?s gobbed-out food for minimum wage.
Jim Carrey?s gurning ways don't quite hold the same box office potential that they once did. The once elastomug has had to put the teeth aside in recent years.
Make no mistake, I Love You Phillip Morris is not a return of the Funster. Carrey plays Steven Russell, a policeman, Christian and a doting? husband to a more than perfect wife. It's an idyllic lifestyle, one that has a couple of minor snags.
Mainly that Steven is a raving homosexual. It's something that he doesn't fully embrace until a car crash, giving him a new lease of life. His epiphany: breaking the law to support a super-luxurious lifestyle. You go girl!
It’s hard (titter), but put yourself in Tiger Woods’s position (titter) right now.
You’ve cheated on your wife. You’ve lost a few million dollars in sponsorship. You’ve lost the next few years of your kids’ lives. You’re going to spend the rest of your own life surrounded by red-faced men in manmade fibres who’d very much like to talk to you about shafts and balls (again: titter). Perhaps worst of all: despite the fact that you’ve got the world calling you ‘Tiger’, you still have to sign checks as ‘Eldrick Tont Woods‘.
So, which bungee-jawed Hollywood fametart could possibly make things worse by claiming that your wife made your penis go off chasing all those girls?
Oh. Right, yeah that makes perfect sense: Jim Carrey, the man who condenses the personalities of 12 schizophrenics, 15 four-year-olds and one pub-bore into a head which is the exact physical embodiment of the emotion ‘Oh, christ, what’s this tossy little prick going to do now?’.
Imagine all the fun you’d have living with Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy. No really, try to imagine it.
It’d be awful, wouldn’t it? You’d be sitting there trying to quietly read the newspaper, and if Jim Carrey wasn’t trying to distract you by bellowing another imaginary conversation out loud to himself in 30 different madcap voices an inch from your face, then Jenny McCarthy would be flopping around like the world’s most inebriated attention-seeking circus clown. Or, worse still, they’d corner you and start lecturing you about spirituality and the dangers of modern vaccines. Ugh. Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy are the worst couple on Earth.
Or at least they were. According to their respective Twitter feeds, Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy have ended their five-year relationship. Good.
Actually, that headline hasn’t been proved – Yes Man could have topped the weekend box office for any reason – but we’re just being logical.
Actually, come to think of it again, we do know why Yes Man topped the weekend box office – nostalgia. A movie where Jim Carrey isn’t blatantly gunning for an Oscar or playing a cackheaded number-obsessed maniac is a throwback to his golden age.
That means the weekend box office success of Yes Man sends a clear message to Jim Carrey – that message is ‘Dance, monkey-boy, dance! Pull a funny face! Ha ha, look at stupid monkey-boy Jim Carrey’s funny face!’
There are several ways to realise that Britney Spears has been in a bad way lately – one of them is to have eyes and/or ears.
Another way is to read the news today. You see, Britney Spears turned up at a charity party at Jim Carrey’s house this weekend not looking as if she’d spent the last month wide awake and screaming at the ceiling. And that’s a news story, apparently.
Of course it is – we all care about Britney Spears, so it goes without saying that everything she does should be held up as a shining example of what other mentally unwell, legally unfit mothers can be capable of with a nice dress, some expensive hair and make-up and a brief appearance at a movie star’s fancy charity party.
The early ’90s, eh?
Who can forget those heady days of Global Hypercolour t-shirts, Monster In My Pocket collectible figurines and Channel 4’s Red Light Zone? Jesus – who on Earth can forget Channel 4’s Red Light Zone? Certainly not anyone who was entering adolescence and had a portable TV set in their room, that’s for sure.
Why are we waffling on about the early ’90s so much? Because that’s where this here clip originates from. It’s the first in a new feature called Hecklerspray Oddities (original working title: Clips That We Quite Like But Couldn’t Really Find Any Other Way Of Linking To Them On The Site), in which we present to you a series of clips that we quite like but couldn’t really find any other way of linking to them on the site.
Imagine how awesome it’d be if Jim Carrey was your dad. Wait, did we say ‘awesome’? We meant ‘soul-draining’.
We’d imagine that Jim Carrey would be the sort of parent who makes your friends say “Wow, your dad is so cool!” forcing you to explain to them that waking up every morning knowing that you’re about to be subjected to a tedious 45-minute comic improvisational display involving a spoon and pair of slippers has made your life a sheer unrelenting hell on earth.
Anyway, Jim Carrey does have a son – a six-year-old autistic boy called Evan. And even though Evan isn’t his and he’s not married to the woman who gave birth to Evan, Jim Carrey’s just gone on a march and told a magazine that Evan has ‘taught him how to love’, something that must bring tears of joy to the eyes of Jim Carrey’s 20-year-old biological daughter.
