If you were looking forward to the new season of Dancing With The Stars because of Jewel, we have bad news.

You’re a disgrace to humanity. Really, Jewel? You like Jewel? What do you like about her, her rubbish poetry or the fact that she’s named after a shiny pebble? Honestly, people like you make us sick. Why don’t you grow up, yeah? Grow up and stop liking rubbish singers with stupid one-word names, yeah? You moron.

Oh, and also Jewel has pulled out of Dancing With The Stars because of injury. That was probably our original point, in retrospect.

These bloody celebrities, eh? They don’t know they’re born these days. Just look at Dancing With The Stars – in the past contestants have managed to take part despite having serious heart complaints, or being octogenarians, or having a fanny growing inside their guts or even, in the case of Heather Mills, only having one leg.

True, we get the feeling that Heather Mills would cake herself in animal dung and punch a horse in the face in the middle of a shopping centre if it meant she’d get someone’s attention for even a second, but that’s beside the point.

The point is that Dancing With The Stars contestants can usually manage to at least make it onto the show before knackering their bodies up beyond repair. But clearly that’s not the case this year, because Jewel and Nancy O’Dell have both decided to drop out due to injury. MSNBC reports:

Singer-songwriter Jewel and Access Hollywood host Nancy O’Dell will not compete in season 8 of ABC’s Dancing With the Stars. Jewel suffered tibia fractures in both of her legs, while O’Dell’s torn meniscus will require knee surgery. Both women will appear Monday night on DWTS’ season premiere, during which casting changes will be announced.

Both Jewel and Nacy O’Dell have expressed their profound disappointment at not being able to compete in Dancing With The Stars, but we truly believe that neither of them are as disappointed as us. Partly because we were keen to see which Jewel would be participating – the folksy hippy Jewel who lives in a van or the weird Britney Spears/ Terminator hybrid Jewel who nobody really liked much – but mostly because we would have enjoyed discovering who Nancy O’Dell actually is.

But still, Dancing With The Stars isn’t going to be a total failure just because Nancy O’Dell and Jewel aren’t in it any more – let’s not forget that this is the Dancing With The Stars season that’ll feature Denise Richards and Steve-O, for crying out loud. It’s almost as if every episode is guaranteed to end with someone weeping in the foetal position in the middle of the stage. Who wouldn’t want to watch that?

And anyway, if rumours are to be believed, one of the celebrities drafted in to replace Nancy and Jewel is Holly Madison - the Playboy playmate whose last two conquests have been Hugh Hefner and Criss Angel. If this is true then, given Holly’s fondness for weird-looking old men, Len Goodman had better do each show dressed as an icehockey goalkeeper for protection.

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As good as Dancing With The Stars is, we’ve often felt that it hasn’t teetered on the brink of emotional breakdown enough.

But lucky old us. The Dancing With The Stars producers have listened to our unspoken wishes and signed such a bewilderingly diverse array of celebrities for its new season that we’re honestly convinced that Len Goodman will end the final with a broken nose, several deep gashes to his face and a kitchen knife poking out the back of his skull.

How scary is the new Dancing With The Stars? Steve-O scary. Lil’ Kim scary. Jewel scary. Scary.

Look, Dancing With The Stars is mental enough already. Just thinking about Dancing With The Stars conjures up visions of tiny screeching incoherent Italian homosexuals, one-legged backflippers, frail old shuffling zombies, members of the Osmonds falling over for no reason and Steve Guttenberg – in short, the kind of visions we tend to save for our most terrifyingly anxious fever-dreams.

But whereas before Dancing With The Stars seemed like it had accidentally blundered into weirdness by accident, this year the show seems intent to dive headfirst into the abyss. Honestly, we’re not kidding. This year’s Dancing With The Stars is going to be like a more-spangly version of Dante’s Inferno.

Why? Because, dear lord, here are this year’s Dancing With The Stars contestants. May God have mercy on us all:

Denise Richards – The woman who was professionally naked until she got too old, then threw a computer at a wheelchair-bound pensioners head and made a reality TV show featuring nothing but her twitching and blinking. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 9

Belinda Carlisle – The woman who believes that heaven is a place on Earth. She’s wrong. It’s Devon. Devon is place on Earth. Idiot. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 6

Shawn Johnson – A 17-year-old professional gymnast. So, as if Shawn doesn’t get bullied enough for titting around in a leotard all day, he’s now going to learn how to samba? This one’s a loose cannon. He’s not even a boy. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 8

Lawrence Taylor – A former NFL footballer. That’s right, just like OJ Simpson. And what did OJ Simpson end up doing? THAT’S RIGHT. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 9

Lil’ Kim - Ex-jailbird midget rapper whose songs include Suck My Dick and Fuck You. But, other than that, we hear she’s just lovely. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 6

Steve-O – The man who used to make a good living from stapling his testicles to his thigh in front of crowds of people, before he took all the drugs in the world, went legitimately mad and got sectioned. In short, he’s just a little bit less mad than Denise Richards. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 8.5

Steve Wozniak – He co-founded Apple, which isn’t crazy at all. But Apple created the 1998hockey puck mouse, and that’s downright certifiable. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 8.5

David Alan Grier – A black comedian who can apparently do a passable Leonard Nimoy impersonation. Not crazy at all. We don’t know what he’s doing here. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 1

Gilles Marini – Has been in every single American drama show exactly once. One of them was Ugly Betty. Cuckoo. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 5

Nancy O’Dell – We can’t say with any real certainty who Nancy O’Dell is, but anyone who thinks that tanning herself that much is normal clearly isn’t the full ticket. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 7

Chuck Wicks – Never trust a man whose name is a command. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 12

Ty Murray – A professional rodeo rider who – hold the phone! – married Jewel. Clearly has deep self-loathing issues. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 8

Jewel – Come on, she’s Jewel for crying out loud. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 43

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