jewel thief - HecklerSpray

Lindsay Lohan To Appear As Herself On Glee (Tragic)

March 28th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

After getting in trouble with her mental dad, God, drugs, the law and a jewellers, Lindsay Lohan has been doing her darnedest to get back into everyone’s good books. Then she nearly ran someone over in her Porsche.

At some point in all this, she thought she’d have a crack at comedy, appearing on Saturday Night Live. However, she got a royal kicking there, which surely left her weighing up a drink and drugs binge. Why bother getting good if you’re just going to get slapped around?

Well, in what could potentially be Last Chance Saloon for LiLo, she’s going to try and put her SNL fiasco behind her and appear on?Glee. As herself. Does that mean shagging pornstars and crying onto an ankle tag? God we hope so.

Michael Says God Will Judge Lindsay Lohan (Psst – God Doesn’t Exist)

March 22nd, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Lindsay Lohan’s father, Michael, looks like a massive lunatic from where we’re sat. And we’re in no position to judge. That’s how wretchedly awful he seems. And he’s saying that LiLo should forget the judge, because it’s God who will want to kick her ass.

Michael wants to make sure she’s made things right with God, or else!

Of course, the neat thing here is that God doesn’t exist, meaning that Lindsay can sin and sin and sin, which is great for plebs like us who like to write about her and suppress our sexual feelings toward her.

Lindsay Lohan Apparently Has It Off With Skydiving Porn No-Mark

May 31st, 2013 By Mof Gimmers

Lindsay Lohan is once again gracing our pages, this time, apparently having it off with a porn star. And the best thing about it is that she is supposed to have taken wang while her father slept in a room upstairs.

And the man who claims he put the tip into LiLo is someone we’ve covered before on these pages.

Do you remember Alex Torres, who goes by the screen name Voodoo? Well, he’s the bloke who made a skydiving bongo flick. That’s right. Its the guy who grimaced unconvincingly into a woman while hurtling through the sky. He’s ‘done’ Lohan as well. Possibly for money.

Pitbull Says That Lindsay Lohan Shouldn’t Sue Him (She Should Try Killing Him Instead)

March 19th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Pitbull’s fame, like David Guetta’s, is absolutely mystifying. They’ve featured on every single record made in the past three years and continued to be powerful movers-and-shakers, despite an obvious absence of talent or charisma. There can be only one logical explanation for their influence.

They clearly own TMZ and have so much dirt on the celebrity world that anyone who refuses their collaborations will be met with the most scurrilous rumours in print and leaked nude photographs.

One person who is about to be ruined is Lindsay Lohan who has decided to take Pitbull on, quite possibly, in a court of law.

Lindsay Lohan: Hit And Run, Police Involvement And Hurray She’s Back!

March 14th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Jewel thief. Drunk. Druggie. Violent. Broken. Ankle tagged. Rehabber. Corpse worker. Oh, and actress. Lindsay Lohan has had a colourful life hasn’t she? Then, she looked like she was going to straighten-up and go all Christian.

Then she remembered who she was.

And so, after drinking and getting her boobs out in Playboy, LiLo is back in the game, this time, running over someone in her car and fleeing the scene! Hurray! HURRAY! Bloodshed and tears! That’s what we want!

Lindsay Lohan Isn’t Boozing And Isn’t Having Sex In Petrol Stations

February 2nd, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Lindsay Lohan used to be loads of fun. She was always in trouble or having sex with someone. She had set the controls for the heart of self-destruct and we all had ringside seats for an early death. And then she went and spoiled it all by looking after herself.

Git.

And now, after getting her freckled neck hoiked by the police a few too many times, she’s laying off the sauce – the same sauce that is a attributable to so much of her success (in getting column inches at least). While trouble may not have left her, she’s angry that people are saying she’s been getting stuck in to that lovely, lovely booze (the only real replacement for love).

Lindsay Lohan Ran A Woman Over And ‘Anguish’ Ensued! Hurray!

January 26th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Aah! Lindsay Lohan is the perfect hecklerspray celebrity. She takes one-step forward, or one step back, and she’s in trouble. It doesn’t matter where she is, or who she’s with – she’s always on the brink of being in some kind of bother.

Now, after a couple of years of jewel thievery, alleged assault, drug and drink problems and hanging around morgues, LiLo is back in trouble! HUZZAH! We should thank our stars she hasn’t found God and become a giganto-bore.

So what’s she done this time? Well, it involves a woman called?Nubia Del Carmen Preza, a high performance sports vehicle and a whole lotta anguish. Splendid.

Lindsay Lohan: Still Hanging Around The Morgue

January 16th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Lindsay Lohan isn’t as much fun as she used to be. Remember when she was constantly full of drink and drugs, having sex with everyone, stealing jewels and getting accused of assault and battery? Those were good days.

Sadly, she seems to have straightened herself out… BUT WAIT!

See, LiLo has been doing her community service, hauling her speckled self around a morgue! Ostensibly, Judge Stephanie Sautner wants her to fix herself by warping her mind with dead bodies. Get the feeling that we’ll be seeing good ol’ Insane Lohan again in the future?

Paparazzi Photographer To Sue Lindsay Lohan For Running Him Over In A Car She Wasn’t Driving

January 11th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Where there’s blame, there’s a claim… right? Well, in the case of paparazzi photographer and presumed harassing scum-ventricle, Grigor Baylan, he’s suing Lindsay Lohan for something she didn’t actually do for once.

Our papping chum is taking legal action against the actress after he found himself being run over? by a motor car that was trying to get away from… you guessed it! The paparazzo.

And the best bit is – LiLo wasn’t even driving the car!

Lindsay Lohan Gets Tattoo That Shows A Lovely Lack Of Self-Awareness

January 10th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Lindsay Lohan wants you to know that she's a moron. That's the only possible reason why she emerged from a tattoo parlour this week permanently marked with the phrase: Live Without Regrets.

The ~~starlet~~ drunken car crash is said to have told pals that she's ?at a great point in her life and wanted to do something she’d always remember’.

Who wouldn't want to remember the ~~first second~~ third time they got their vag out for the public? At least this time it was sponsored by Playboy and not 12 Jagerbombs and an hour in the powder rooms