Apple geeks around the world were united in grief last week when Apple announced that Steve Jobs had suffered a fatal 404 error and couldn’t be restarted. Whilst a replacement for Steve Jobs had already been secured so Apple can dominate the market with sleek and flashy products that’ll require a replacement six months later, we don’t care about that.

It’s all about tie-in movie deals that are coming soon thanks to Sony snapping up the rights.

Total Film published a list of actors who they thought could play the billionaire tech lord throughout his reign at the helm of Appple. After Justin Timberlake successfully played Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and won countless awards due to his uncanny resemblance to everyone’s favorite social network poster boy, we figured we’d think about those who should really play Jobsy.

A biopic of Steve Jobs is screaming out for high profile actors to play him in multiple life stages. But surely they’d all be busy on other projects and unable to make the movie set. Bearing that in mind, these are the people we’d cast, surely securing us an Oscar.

Michael Stipe

Some word argue that Michael Stipe made a career out of penning feelgood indie hit with Muppets. But in actual fact, he resembles a decaying onion who panics when the sun shines for too long and when a gust a wind threatens to blow off a layer of his skin. This is the real reason why REM broke up. Basically, they look EXACTLY THE SAME.

Michael Jackson

Following a semi-successful music career, coming second to his sibling Latoya, Michael took a turn for the worst following the day Pepsi set him on fire. If there’s a bigger reason not to get hooked on drugs, the image of a once proud man was reverted to that of someone who needed his nose stapled to his face on a daily basis. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.

Mr Burns

Steve Jobs came over as a kind and caring boss who’d personally hug all his employees when they clocked off at the shift. But behind closed doors, we imagine he’d threaten to kill staff members partners if they didn’t churn out the blueprints for a brand new iToaster that contained 400GB of memory and was so small that you could only fit specially baked Apple bread inside. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME. (Also, Jobs could come back as iMogul in the same way Burnsy became a cyborg looking for Bo Bo).

C3PO

Perhaps one for the biopic’s closing credits as we take a look in to what the future of Steve Jobs had in store. Due to Apple physically being unable to make a thinner or faster product, Jobs took it upon himself to become the first iHuman. Proving he can wear more than a black turtle-neck jumper and dodgy jeans, it’s time for Jobs to camp it up with a space age gold suit equipped with gadgets we can’t comprehend. He’s just trying to seduce R2D2 who looks like an Apple product anyway. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.

Danny Dyer

When not talking about cutting up ex-girlfriends faces in magazines or meeting the world’s deadliest men, he’ll take any film work going. Usually, playing a comedy gangster, it seems about time for Danny to take on a serious role. Essentially, our cockney friend can’t lose as he’ll crack the American market and gain future roles in films such as American Pie 743: Urgh Is That What It Really Looks Like? BASICALLY, THEY…ER, NEVER MIND.

Jet Li

Watching Steve Jobs slowly wilt away was an awful thing to witness. Especially when he could have gone to the App store and downloaded a guide on combating fatal illnesses. In the film’s flashback scene which sees Jobs fully functioning, people deserve to see a man who could dispose of a gang of Microsoft ninjas who’d attempt to invade the Apple offices and steal secrets about product that make the average Apple customer even smugger. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.

Mr Moneybags

Penetrated the African market? Excellent, go collect a trillion dollars of pure profit from vastly overpriced products that do the same as every other computer on the market. But because Apple release white and shiny items, consumers become part of a strange cult who whoop and cheer whenever a new software download comes out. Steve Jobs must have spent time masturbating over piles of cash in his office. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.

Morgan Freeman

Steve Jobs was considered cool, a rarity really as anyone who works with computers and technology is deemed to be a friendless nerd who gets aroused by a sexy line of binary code. It’s fact that Morgan Freeman is the ultimate image of cool and everyone wants to be him. He’d get the narration job on this movie without having to turn up to auditions. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Never let it be said that we of hecklerspray are ever anything but right all the time. ALL THE TIME*.

Just as we say, non-stop, that Hollywood has run out of ideas – reporting on the Goonies sequel, The Smurfs movie (Lindsay Lohan‘s role as ‘Big Lesbian Smurf’ still unconfirmed) and the fear we all felt when the Friends movie was rumoured – they come and do it again. This time it’s the turn of Lethal Weapon 5, where they really, really will be too old for this shizzle.

Or they might be too drunk, who knows?

The rumours of a fourth film in the trilogy became a reality in 1998, with the imaginatively titled Lethal Weapon 4 showing most of us Jet Li for the first time – that bit where he dismantles the gun and the bit where he does a ridiculous kick over his head are easily the best ones.

Unlike these days when everything he makes involves him flying through trees with a bamboo cane up his arse for eight hours while the most basic of stories is made out to be the most thought-provoking and intelligent social commentary in a post-modern society to date.

He was good in Lethal Weapon 4 though. One of the few good things about it, actually.

But that’s not going to stop the gravy train now, is it? Oh no – your memories have to be purged for old ideas and your pleasant nostalgia for a series has to be used against you in order to make Lethal Weapon 5 a box office hit. Or at least a box office ‘we made our money back on it’.

The writer of the original Lethal Weapon, Shane Black, has apparently written a script for a new adventure for Riggs and Murtaugh. In one of the most unsurprising plots of all time, the movie will see Riggs, about to quit the force, pull Murtaugh out of retirement to solve one last case. Probably involving Johnny Foreigner somewhere along the way.

There are no definites yet, but Mel Gibson and Danny Glover are apparently in talks to reprise their roles. No word on Chris Rock though, thankfully.

Please don’t let him be in it again – it would be one step too far.

But the questions have to be asked – do you really want to go and watch Danny Glover shout “Riiiiiiiiiggggggggsssssss!” thirty-two times per minute at Mel Gibson? And do you want to see Mel Gibson hate the je… oops… we mean, do you want to see him fix his arm after he’s dislocated it again? Or do you want to see Joe Pesci being even older and even more annoying than ever before?

And does anyone want to see Chris Rock acting, at all, ever?

If the answer is yes to any of those questions, then watch the first two, half watch the third then only pay attention when Jet Li is on the fourth. There you go – satisfaction guaranteed.

No word on any kind of release date, but it can’t be too far in the future. Too old for this shit, and all that.

*Not all of the time. Hush down.