Posts tagged as:

jesus

Quite Why Demi Lovato And Ashley Greene Fought Over Joe Jonas Is A Mystery, But Bitchy Emails Were Exchanged

by Mof Gimmers

It doesn’t matter if you’re a vaguely famous human, you’re still a human. That means you’re still prone to being an unreasonable, ratty, snarky prick. Take troubled Disney star (we’re legally obliged to say that every time we mention her name) Demi Lovato for example. She’s been acting like a tool after being dumped by [...]

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We Will Pay Good Money For Demi Lovato Sex Tape Which Doesn’t Exist

by Mof Gimmers

Demi Lovato is something of a troubled star. For a kick-off, she’s religious. Secondly, she went out with one of the Jonas Brothers. It is little wonder that she ended up getting treatment for ‘emotional and physical issues’. A god-fearing woman who dry-humped with one of the most boring humans ever to walk the Earth. [...]

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Elton John Thinks Jesus Was A Big Homosexual

by Matthew Laidlow

Religion. Is it really the work of a few select individuals who carefully recorded what their various prophets said? Or did the subsequent writings which form The Bible, The Quran and The Torah come as a result from a binge on hallucinogenic mushrooms? We couldn’t possibly comment, but we do know that some Christians don’t [...]

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Awesome or Off-Putting: The Chronovisor, A Time Travelling TV-ish Thingy

by Shawn Lindseth

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable. The trouble with time travel is that if you go to the past and step on a butterfly, that butterfly’s family will [...]

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Madonna May Be Considering Marrying 22-Year-Old Jesus

by Amy Grindhouse

Madonna is said to be considering getting married to her 22-year-old partner, Jesus Luz. Yes, you heard us. In a series of rather comical coincidences – that you could not make up unless you were hell-bent on being labelled a heathen – the queen of the baby-snatchers is rumoured to wish to marry her child [...]

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Michael Jackson Is Exactly Like Jesus, Says Speech Debelle

by hecklerspray staff

It’s good when C-list celebrities share their political views isn’t it? Like the time Lee Ryan Out Of Blue told America to stop harping on about 9/11 because an elephant had just died somewhere. Or words to that effect. What’s even better than C-list celebrities sharing their political opinions is Z-list celebrities espousing their theological [...]

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Kanye West Charged With Being A Stroppy Little Airport Turd

by Stuart Heritage

Kanye West often refers to himself as the son of God – it’s a perfectly acceptable statement for him to make.

No really, it is. If you’ve read the Bible, you’ll remember the passage describing Jesus’s decision to make an album about how miserable he is with loads of Autotune on it. And we believe it was Mark 3:11 that went “And, lo, Jesus was charged with three misdemeanors for acting like a cock in an airport.”

And now Kanye West has been charged with three misdemeanors for that time he acted like a cock in an airport too. Oh, holy symmetry.

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WEBTHUMP! Friday 13 March 2009

by Stuart Heritage

10 – The most gruesome thing you’ll read, possibly ever – Best Week Ever

9 – How to sleep better (unwritten lesson – stop watching YouTube videos of octopuses, because you know they’ll only scare you) – Toiletpaperentrepreneur

8 – Kiefer Sutherland, smart or casual? YOU DECIDE – Popsugar

7 – That bloody Jesus, he’s everywhere – I Am Bored

6 – Want to build a granite fireplace? OK! – Instructables

5 – A Korean draws lots of English things – Flickr

4 – Sexy action figures. No, we’re not making this list up – Manofest

3 – Do you work with people? Does your computer have sound? They’ll love this – Najle

2 – Oh, go on then, here’s a gallery of horrific tumours – Oddee

1 – Once again, a gold star to the Japanese…

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WEBTHUMP! Wednesday 4 March 2009

by Stuart Heritage

10 – Oh, by the way, Jesus is back – Theage

9 – Not interested? OK, here’s a dog doing a stand-up weewee instead – Bestweekever

8 – No? A dog running into a wall? – Break

7 – Things happening in slow motion? – YouTube

6 – A CAT IN A BONG! – Breitbart

5 – Men with ponytails: a gallery – Spike

4 – 20 ways to take less crappy photos – Digitalphotographyschool

3 – This just in: food is delicious – Manofest

2 – Some unusual couples. The last one is berserk – Theirtoys

1 – Proof, if proof is needed, that policemen HATE socks…

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Sir David Attenborough: ‘Celebrity Culture Is Ghastly’

by Paul Sorrenti

Hecklerspray doesn’t believe much in Jesus but, if we did, we imagine he’d resemble something like Sir David Attenborough, only less accomplished, less heart-warming and far less beautiful.

David Attenborough is a man who, in a better world, would have been made dictator of the earth a few weeks after his birth. Alas, it wasn’t to be and six million Jews, 90 million Chinamen, a whole bunch of wildlife and the planet itself suffered for it terribly.

His thirst for knowledge, his elegance in communication, his unparalleled integrity – it all amounts to a man with the cosmic value of a billion yous. If only he didn’t accept his knighthood, we can safely assume he’d have been the first perfect ape in existence.

But, as we all know, all good things must come to an end and, unfortunately for David, he has ended his life long before death even got the chance too, for he has declared – like some sort of maniac – that celebrity culture is ‘ghastly’.

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